“You know, the whole thing about perfectionism. That perfectionism is very dangerous, because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything. Because doing anything results in — It’s actually kind of tragic because it means you sacrifice how gorgeous and perfect it is in your head for what it really is. And there were a couple of years where I really struggled with that.
I played serious tennis when I was a child. I played it enough to start to feel like it was beautiful.
You were 17th in the United States Tennis Association Western Section when you were 14 years old…
That sounds very impressive. That’s a regional ranking and it means that I was probably 4,000th in the nation for my age group.
But could you have been better? Was it a matter of choice that you didn’t pursue it?
I perhaps could have been somewhat better. One of the interesting things about playing competitive sports as a child is that you confront your own limitations rather starkly at a certain point. For the first couple of years I was very good and was regarded as promising. And then after I developed for two or three years it became very clear exactly how good I was going to be, which is I could probably be a good college player but that I was never going to have professional potential or anything.
And so you passed up on it?
I didn’t pass up on it. I kept playing. But there’s a difference between training. I mean the people who seriously, seriously play devote their lives to it sort of the way monks do. I mean you don’t date, you go to bed at a certain time, you eat certain ways, you practice 10-12 hours a day. And I mean, the difference between practicing three hours a day and practicing 12 hours a day is everything. And I certainly never— I never trained seriously after the age of 16.
Were you also, at that point, attracted to other things, like writing?
I wasn’t all that attracted to writing originally. I read a great deal. My parents read a great deal. I do know that as my interest in tennis waned, my interest in academics increased. I mean, I started doing my homework in high school and discovering that it was somewhat fun. And then in college I barely even played on the team because just classes were much more interesting.
But then there’s also the drug factor here, which plays a major role in this book…
Yeah.
You know, it’s real interesting. I was a very difficult person to teach when I was a student and I thought I was smarter than my teachers and they told me a lot of things that I thought were retrograde or outdated or B.S.
I’ve learned more teaching in the last three years than I ever learned as a student. And a lot of it is that when you see students work where the point, whether it’s stated or not, is basically that they’re clever, and to try and articulate to the student how empty and frustrating it is for a reader to invest their time and attention in something and to feel that the agenda is basically to show you that the writer is clever.
All the kind of stuff, right, when I’m doing my little onanistic, clever stuff in grad school, that when my professors would talk to me about it, I would go, “Well, they don’t understand. I’m a genius, blah, blah, blah, blah.” Now that I’m the teacher, I’m starting to learn — it’s like the older you get, the smarter your parents get — now I’m starting to learn that they had some smart stuff to tell me.
You’re probably further victimized by all of this because certain kinds of students will gravitate to your class. And those are people who think that they’re kindred spirits.
Yeah, in a certain way. Although the only way that I’m well known at Illinois State is that I am the “grammar Nazi.”
And so any student whose deployment of a semi-colon is not absolutely Mozart-esque knows that they’re going to get a C in my class, and so my classes tend to have like four students in them. It’s really a lot of fun.
The crew reports to a giant room full of simulator holopods, and are greeted by a Pandronian named Shari yn Yem, and gives them a brief motivational speech, before telling them that the crew will enter the pods and be tested in situations that previous Starfleet crews have experienced, and that each test has an amount of points that can be earned. Yem, tells them that to better evaluate the readiness of the crew, the ranks of the crew will be switched around, with the ensigns being tested as high ranked officers, and the senior officers being tested as ensigns. The crew start to enter the pods in excitement, eager to experience what it's like to be in command, as Freeman and her senior officers believe that they will pass their tests easily, since the duties of the lower decks will be very simple.
"Mirror" Mariner
Mariner enters her pod, and is given a scenario in which she finds herself in the mirror universe, and must find her way back home. At first, Mariner gets immersed in her part, but decides to try and deviate from her objectives, hoping to infiltrate the Terran Empire, and dismantle it from the inside. However, as she tries this, the test docks points from her score for deviating
Tendi enters her pod, and is told to assist a paralyzed Klingon in a ritual suicide. Tendi tells the Klingon that she is not allowed to cause any harm, which results in a docking of her score. Seeing this, Tendi pulls out a hypospray, ready to give him a quick and painless death. The Klingon demands for her to use his ceremonial blade, and when she objects, her score is further lowered. The Klingon, furious that she is refusing to honor his culture, tries to take his blade back, but falls off the bed. Two nurses run into sickbay, and ask why the Klingon isn't dead yet, and begin to try and assist him in his death, but the Klingon's backup organs begin to heal him, and they give up, much to the Klingon's dismay. Tendi apologizes as the test ends in failure.
Mariner finds herself in an old west town in her next test, and immediately gets points deducted as she tries to go to the saloon. She looks over and sees her group mounting horses, and she goes over to one. Confident that she can ride it, as she took lessons in the past, she climbs up, but the horse gets agitated and bucks her off, and tramples her, resulting in another failure.
Rutherford's test puts him in the engineering section of a refit Constitution-class starship, where the warp core is in the process of a breach. Rutherford moves to try and enter the core to stop the breach, but the handle of the door burns his hand due to the radiation. Rutherford gets an idea to take his boots off to cover his hands, and open the door that way, and is successful, but unfortunately, he takes too long, and the ship explodes, resulting in his test failing.
Boimler is put in a test in which he must fight off the Borg, and escape a Borg cube. Boimler successfully fights off the Borg drones, and makes his way through the cube, before coming upon a chamber of Borg babies, however he chooses to enter a shaft above the chamber, which leads to a room with a Borg sphere that he uses to escape the cube. The Test ends with him passing, but Boimler is unhappy that he only scored a 79%. Eager to do better, he asks if he can take The Test again, and The Computer warns him that if he gets a failing score, he will be locked out of The Test. Undeterred, Boimler restarts The Test. He fights off the drones, but upon finding the Borg babies, he takes them with him before escaping on the sphere. He once again passes, but scores only 83%, making him want to try again. He retakes the test, and rescues even more babies, along with a couple drones, before escaping on the sphere, resulting in a score of 84%. Boimler, getting frustrated, tells the computer to restart the test.
Mariner is about to start her final test in which the entire crew has been afflicted with polywater intoxication. While she is not enthusiastic about the nature of the mission, she tries to pump herself up, and enters the mess hall to see the crew completely naked, and involved in a huge orgy. Rutherford can be seen, possibly with ensign Castro. Mariner tries to ignore it all, and talk everyone out of their outrageous behavior, but is unsuccessful. She sees Boimler showing off his genitals, causing her to run out of the mess hall to see Steve Stevens spanking Ransom, while holding him on a leash. Shaxs then runs up to her, while T'Ana clings to him. Unable to take the lewd nature of The Test anymore, Mariner runs to an airlock and blows herself and the crew into space, no longer caring about passing the test.
As The Test ends, the ship's average score falls to 37%.
Mariner wonders where Boimler is, and Rutherford replies that he heard he was still taking his test. Mariner speculates that he probably failed like them, and is just too embarrassed to admit it.
(Boimler is still in his drill with the Borg, retaking the test again and again, altering his approach each time, managing to score as high as 94%, placing him in the top 10%, but he's still unsatisfied with the score, and continues to retake the test.)
For the crew's final test, a joint exercise between the senior officers and the lower decks crew will be simulated on the bridge. They are instructed to steal the Cerritos from Spacedock to save Spock from the Genesis planet. Mariner takes the command chair, and has Ransom get them some coffee before instructing Freeman to take them out of spacedock. As they approach the doors, Shaxs gets up and starts to stretch, as his back hurts from sleeping in the cramped quarters of the lower decks. However, as he continues to stretch, Mariner is reminded of how he looked fully naked in her final test, and is visibly disturbed. Freeman speculates that she's remembering her bad experience with the horse, which angers Mariner, and she tries to send Freeman to the brig. The two start to quarrel, and pay no attention to the test, resulting in their ship colliding with the space doors, and ending the test in failure in a record time.
Freeman tries to get the crew to do more drills and improve their score, but since the entire crew has been locked out of the tests due to their failing scores, there is nothing they can do to improve them. She is about to submit the finalized scores, when Mariner notes that one test is still active. Boimler is still in the drill with the Borg, trying to score higher than 98%, and Yem wonders what he's still doing in there, but notes that one passing grade will not save their scores.
Realizing that if the drills aren't finished, the scores cannot be finalized, Mariner contacts Boimler in the holopod.
Boimler is about to finish the drill, having finally achieved a perfect 100% after saving most of the Borg crew, beating the Borg Queen in chess and teaching her empathy. Freeman orders him not to finish the drill, and Mariner tells him that Yem is trying to deliberately fail them, and that as long as he's in The as rill, she cannot finish until he finishes. Understanding, Boimler continues to interact with the drill, despite it lowering his score to 99%, much to his disappointment.
Freeman and Mariner rush to the bridge, as Yem wonders what they're trying to do since they're just delaying her finalized scores, and torturing Boimler in the process. Freeman expresses faith in her crew, noting that despite them being on a smaller and more insignificant ship, the crew is tougher than most. Yem boasts that she's read all about life on a starship and the work in space, and doubts that they are anymore reliable than any other crew she's tested. Freeman notes that Yem has read about it all, but has never really experienced it in person.
Mariner :
Boimler, can you hear me?
FINAL SCORE : 100%
Boimler :
Hey, Mariner, I was just about to close out this drill.
I finally got A Perfect...
Capt. Freeman:
DON’T you finish that drill, Ensign. That's an order!
Boimler :
Captain, but I beat the Borg Queen at chess,
and I taught her Empathy.
Capt. Freeman:
Just stay in that drill!
The crew is counting on you.
Mariner :
Yeah, Shari Bing Bang is trying to screw us,
but she CAN’T until your drill is over.
Just keep Borging!
Boimler :
I'm on it.
DRONE :
Resistance is Futile.
FINAL SCORE : 99%
Boimler :
Aw, man.
Boimler :
Come on, Mariner,
whatever you're doing up there, hurry!
AAH! Borg Queen!
Uh, how-how's The Empathy?
The Borg :
We were able to assimilate it.
FINAL SCORE : 76%
Boimler :
No, no, no, no, no, my SCORE!
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