Showing posts with label Inspector. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspector. Show all posts

Sunday 30 August 2020

A Story






Finch:
You've Information for us?

V:
No, you already have The Information. 
All the names and dates are inside your head. 
What you want, what you really NEED, is A Story.

Finch:
A Story can be True or False.

V:
I leave such Judgments to YOU, Inspector.

 


On the morning of September 11, 2001, 19 men armed with boxcutters directed by a man on dialysis in a cave fortress halfway around the world using a satellite phone and a laptop directed the most sophisticated penetration of the most heavily-defended airspace in The World, overpowering the passengers and the military combat-trained pilots on 4 commercial aircraft before flying those planes wildly off course for over an hour without being molested by a single fighter interceptor.

These 19 hijackers, devout religious fundamentalists who liked to drink alcohol, snort cocaine, and live with pink-haired strippers, managed to knock down 3 buildings with 2 planes in New York, while in Washington a pilot who couldn’t handle a single engine Cessna was able to fly a 757 in an 8,000 foot descending 270 degree corskscrew turn to come exactly level with the ground, hitting the Pentagon in the budget analyst office where DoD staffers were working on the mystery of the 2.3 trillion dollars that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had announced “missing” from the Pentagon’s coffers in a press conference the day before, on September 10, 2001.

Luckily, the news anchors knew who did it within minutes, the pundits knew within hours, the Administration knew within the day, and the evidence literally fell into the FBI’s lap. But for some reason a bunch of crazy conspiracy theorists demanded an investigation into the greatest attack on American soil in history.

The investigation was delayed, underfunded, set up to fail, a conflict of interest and a cover up from start to finish. 

It was based on testimony extracted through torture, the records of which were destroyed. 

It failed to mention the existence of WTC7, Able Danger, Ptech, Sibel Edmonds, OBL and the CIA, and the drills of hijacked aircraft being flown into buildings that were being simulated at the precise same time that those events were actually happening

It was lied to by the Pentagon, the CIA, the Bush Administration and as for Bush and Cheney…well, no one knows what they told it because they testified in secret, off the record, not under oath and behind closed doors. 

It didn’t bother to look at who funded the attacks because that question is of “little practical significance“

Still, the 9/11 Commission did brilliantly, answering all of the questions the public had (except most of the victims’ family members’ questions) and pinned blame on all the people responsible (although no one so much as lost their job), determining the attacks were 
“a failure of imagination” 
because 
“I don’t think anyone could envision flying airplanes into buildings ” 
except the Pentagon and FEMA and NORAD and the NRO.

The DIA destroyed 2.5 TB of data on Able Danger
but that’s OK because it probably wasn’t important.

The SEC destroyed their records on the investigation into the insider trading before the attacks
but that’s OK because destroying the records of the largest investigation in SEC history is just part of routine record keeping.

NIST has classified the data that they used for their model of WTC7’s collapse
but that’s OK because knowing how they made their model of that collapse would “jeopardize public safety“.

The FBI has argued that all material related to their investigation of 9/11 should be kept secret from the public
but that’s OK because the FBI probably has nothing to hide.

This man never existed, nor is anything he had to say worthy of your attention, and if you say otherwise you are a paranoid conspiracy theorist and deserve to be shunned by all of humanity. 

Likewise him, him, him, and her. (and her and her and him).

Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave fortress in the hills of Afghanistan, 
but somehow got away. 

Then he was hiding out in Tora Bora 
but somehow got away. 

Then he lived in Abottabad for years, taunting the most comprehensive intelligence dragnet employing the most sophisticated technology in the history of the world for 10 years, 
Releasing video after video with complete impunity 
(and getting younger and younger as he did so),
Before finally being found in a daring SEAL team raid 
Which wasn’t recorded on video, 
in which he didn’t resist or use his wife as a human shield, 
and in which these crack special forces operatives panicked and killed this unarmed man, supposedly the best source of intelligence about those dastardly terrorists on The Planet.

Then they dumped his body into The Ocean before telling anyone about it. 

Then a couple dozen of that team’s members died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

This is the story of 9/11, brought to you by the media which told you the hard truths about JFK and incubator babies and mobile production facilities and the rescue of Jessica Lynch.

If you have any questions about this story…you are a batshit, paranoid, tinfoil, dog-abusing baby-hater and will be reviled by everyone. 
If you love your country and/or freedom, happiness, rainbows, rock and roll, puppy dogs, apple pie and your grandma, you will never ever express doubts about any part of this story to anyone. Ever.

This has been a public service announcement by: the Friends of the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, SEC, MSM, White House, NIST, and the 9/11 Commission. 

Because Ignorance is Strength.

Tuesday 11 August 2020

All Life's Really Serious Journeys Involve a Railway Terminus



“All life's really serious journeys involve a railway terminus,” remarked Stephen Fry, playing Oscar in the film Wilde and riffing neatly on The Importance of being Earnest.



[After Voldemort kills Harry in The Forest, he is left in Limbo and meets Dumbledore in what looks like King’s Cross Station]

Albus Dumbledore: 
Harry, you wonderful boy.
You brave man. Let us walk.

Harry Potter: 
Professor, what is that?

[A creature that looks like a much smaller version of Voldemort is in the fetal position under a bench]

Albus Dumbledore: 
Something beyond either of our help. 
A part of Voldemort, sent here to die.

Harry Potter: 
And exactly where are we?

Albus Dumbledore: 
I was going to ask you that. 
Where would •you• say that we are?

Harry Potter: 
Well, it looks like King's Cross Station, only cleaner, and without all the trains.

Albus Dumbledore: 
King's Cross, is that right? 
This is, as they say, your party. 
I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than Fate, since that night in Godric's Hollow all those years ago.

Harry Potter: 
So it's True then, isn't it, Sir? 
A part of him lives in me, doesn't it?

Albus Dumbledore: 
Did. It was just destroyed many moments ago by none other than Voldemort himself. 
You were the Horcrux he never meant to make, Harry.

[They sit on a bench]

Harry Potter: 
I have to go back, haven't I?

Albus Dumbledore: 
Oh, that's up to you.

Harry Potter: 
I have a Choice?

Albus Dumbledore: 
Oh, yes. We're in King's Cross, you say? 
I think if you so desired, you'd be able to board A Train.

Harry Potter: 
And where would it take me?

Albus Dumbledore: 
[chuckles] 
On.

[Dumbledore begins walking away]

Harry Potter: 
Voldemort has The Elder Wand.

Albus Dumbledore: 
True.

Harry Potter: 
And The Snake's still alive.

Albus Dumbledore: 
Yes.

Harry Potter: 
And I've nothing to kill it with.

Albus Dumbledore: 
[walks back to Harry] 
Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. 
I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. 
Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of Magick. 
Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it. 

But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: 

"Help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who DESERVE it." 

Do not pity The Dead, Harry. 
Pity The Living.
And above all, those who live without Love.

Harry Potter: 
Professor, my mother's Patronus was a doe, wasn't it? 
It's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think?

Albus Dumbledore: 
Actually, if I think about it, it doesn't seem curious at all. 
I'll be going now, Harry. 
[turns to leave]

Harry Potter: 
Professor? Is this all real? 
Or is it just happening inside my head?

Albus Dumbledore: 
Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. 
Why should that mean that it's Not Real? 
[he fades into The Light]

Harry Potter: 
Professor, what shall I do? Professor?

[Back in The Forest]

Bellatrix Lestrange: 
The Boy... is he dead?

Narcissa Malfoy: 
[Leaning into Harry, her eyes widen as she feels his heart still beating] 
Is he alive? Draco, is he alive?

Narcissa Malfoy: 
[after Harry nods, she stands and faces Voldemort] 
Dead.

At the end of a week or so Niggle tottered out to his shed again. He tried to climb the ladder, but it made his head giddy. He sat and looked at the picture, but there were no patterns of leaves or visions of mountains in his mind that day. He could have painted a far-off view of a sandy desert, but he had not the energy.
Next day he felt a good deal better. He climbed the ladder, and began to paint. He had just begun to get into it again, when there came a knock on the door.
"Damn!" said Niggle. But he might just as well have said "Come in!" politely, for the door opened all the same. This time a very tall man came in, a total stranger.
"This is a private studio," said Niggle. "I am busy. Go away!"
"I am an Inspector of Houses," said the man, holding up his appointment-card, so that Niggle on his ladder could see it. "Oh!" he said.
"Your neighbour's house is not satisfactory at all," said the Inspector.
"I know," said Niggle. "I took a note to the builders a long time ago, but they have never come. Then I have been ill."
"I see," said the Inspector. "But you are not ill now."
"But I'm not a builder. Parish ought to make a complaint to the Town Council, and get help from the Emergency Service."
"They are busy with worse damage than any up here," said the Inspector. "There has been a flood in the valley, and many families are homeless. You should have helped your neighbour to make temporary repairs and prevent the damage from getting more costly to mend than necessary. That is the law. There is plenty of material here: canvas, wood, waterproof paint."
"Where?" asked Niggle indignantly.
"There!" said the Inspector, pointing to the picture.
"My picture!" exclaimed Niggle.
"I dare say it is," said the Inspector. "But houses come first. That is the law."
"But I can't . . ." Niggle said no more, for at that moment another man came in. Very much like the Inspector he was, almost his double: tall, dressed all in black.
"Come along!" he said. "I am the Driver."
Niggle stumbled down from the ladder. His fever seemed to have come on again, and his head was swimming; he felt cold all over.
"Driver? Driver?" he chattered. "Driver of what?"
"You, and your carriage," said the man. "The carriage was ordered long ago. It has come at last. It's waiting. You start today on your journey, you know."
"There now!" said the Inspector. "You'll have to go; but it's a bad way to start on your journey, leaving your jobs undone. Still, we can at least make some use of this canvas now."
"Oh, dear!" said poor Niggle, beginning to weep. "And it's not, not even finished!"
"Not finished?" said the Driver. "Well, it's finished with, as far as you're concerned, at any rate. Come along!"
Niggle went, quite quietly. The Driver gave him no time to pack, saying that he ought to have done that before, and they would miss the train; so all Niggle could do was to grab a little bag in the hall. He found that it contained only a paint-box and a small book of his own sketches: neither food nor clothes. They caught the train all right. Niggle was feeling very tired and sleepy; he was hardly aware of what was going on when they bundled him into his compartment. He did not care much: he had forgotten where he was supposed to be going, or what he was going for. The train ran almost at once into a dark tunnel.
Niggle woke up in a very large, dim railway station. A Porter went along the platform shouting, but he was not shouting the name of the place; he was shouting Niggle!
Niggle got out in a hurry, and found that he had left his little bag behind. He turned back, but the train had gone away.
"Ah, there you are!" said the Porter. "This way! What! No luggage? You will have to go to the Workhouse."
Niggle felt very ill, and fainted on the platform. They put him in an ambulance and took him to the Workhouse Infirmary.
He did not like the treatment at all. The medicine they gave him was bitter. The officials and attendants were unfriendly, silent, and strict; and he never saw anyone else, except a very severe doctor, who visited him occasionally. It was more like being in a prison than in a hospital. He had to work hard, at stated hours: at digging, carpentry, and painting bare boards all one plain colour. He was never allowed outside, and the windows all looked inwards. They kept him in the dark for hours at a stretch, "to do some thinking," they said. He lost count of time. He did not even begin to feel better, not if that could be judged by whether he felt any pleasure in doing anything. He did not, not even in getting into bed.
At first, during the first century or so (I am merely giving his impressions), he used to worry aimlessly about the past. One thing he kept on repeating to himself, as he lay in the dark: "I wish I had called on Parish the first morning after the high winds began. I meant to. The first loose tiles would have been easy to fix. Then Mrs. Parish might never have caught cold. Then I should not have caught cold either. Then I should have had a week longer." But in time he forgot what it was that he had wanted a week longer for. If he worried at all after that, it was about his jobs in the hospital. He planned them out, thinking how quickly he could stop that board creaking, or rehang that door, or mend that table-leg. Probably he really became rather useful, though no one ever told him so. But that, of course, cannot have been the reason why they kept the poor little man so long. They may have been waiting for him to get better, and judging "better" by some odd medical standard of their own.
At any rate, poor Niggle got no pleasure out of life, not what he had been used to call pleasure. He was certainly not amused. But it could not be denied that he began to have a feeling of-well, satisfaction: bread rather than jam. He could take up a task the moment one bell rang, and lay it aside promptly the moment the next one went, all tidy and ready to be continued at the right time. He got through quite a lot in a day, now; he finished small things off neatly. He had no "time of his own" (except alone in his bed-cell), and yet he was becoming master of his time; he began to know just what he could do with it. There was no sense of rush. He was quieter inside now, and at resting-time he could really rest.
Then suddenly they changed all his hours; they hardly let him go to bed at all; they took him off carpentry altogether and kept him at plain digging, day after day. He took it fairly well. It was a long while before he even began to grope in the back of his mind for the curses that he had practically forgotten. He went on digging, till his back seemed broken, his hands were raw, and he felt that he could not manage another spadeful. Nobody thanked him. But the doctor came and looked at him.
"Knock off!" he said. "Complete rest-in the dark."
 
Niggle was lying in the dark, resting completely; so that, as he had not been either feeling or thinking at all, he might have been lying there for hours or for years, as far as he could tell. But now he heard Voices: not voices that he had ever heard before. There seemed to be a Medical Board, or perhaps a Court of Inquiry, going on close at hand, in an adjoining room with the door open, possibly, though he could not see any light.
"Now the Niggle case," said a Voice, a severe voice, more severe than the doctor's.
"What was the matter with him?" said a Second Voice, a voice that you might have called gentle, though it was not soft-it was a voice of authority, and sounded at once hopeful and sad. "What was the matter with Niggle? His heart was in the right place."
"Yes, but it did not function properly," said the First Voice. "And his head was not screwed on tight enough: he hardly ever thought at all. Look at the time he wasted, not even amusing himself! He never got ready for his journey. He was moderately well-off, and yet he arrived here almost destitute, and had to be put in the paupers' wing. A bad case, I am afraid. I think he should stay some time yet."
"It would not do him any harm, perhaps," said the Second Voice. "But, of course, he is only a little man. He was never meant to be anything very much; and he was never very strong. Let us look at the Records. Yes. There are some favourable points, you know."
"Perhaps," said the First Voice; "but very few that will really bear examination."
"Well," said the Second Voice, "there are these. He was a painter by nature. In a minor way, of course; still, a Leaf by Niggle has a charm of its own. He took a great deal of pains with leaves, just for their own sake. But he never thought that that made him important. There is no note in the Records of his pretending, even to himself, that it excused his neglect of things ordered by the law."
"Then he should not have neglected so many," said the First Voice.
"All the same, he did answer a good many Calls."
"A small percentage, mostly of the easier sort, and he called those Interruptions. The Records are full of the word, together with a lot of complaints and silly imprecations."
"True; but they looked like interruptions to him, of course, poor little man. And there is this: he never expected any Return, as so many of his sort call it. There is the Parish case, the one that came in later. He was Niggle's neighbour, never did a stroke for him, and seldom showed any gratitude at all. But there is no note in the Records that Niggle expected Parish's gratitude; he does not seem to have thought about it."
"Yes, that is a point," said the First Voice; "but rather small. I think you will find Niggle often merely forgot. Things he had to do for Parish he put out of his mind as a nuisance he had done with."
"Still, there is this last report," said the Second Voice, "that wet bicycle-ride. I rather lay stress on that. It seems plain that this was a genuine sacrifice: Niggle guessed that he was throwing away his last chance with his picture, and he guessed, too, that Parish was worrying unnecessarily."
"I think you put it too strongly," said the First Voice. "But you have the last word. It is your task, of course, to put the best interpretation on the facts. Sometimes they will bear it. What do you propose?"
"I think it is a case for a little gentle treatment now," said the Second Voice.
Niggle thought that he had never heard anything so generous as that Voice. It made Gentle Treatment sound like a load of rich gifts, and the summons to a King's feast. Then suddenly Niggle felt ashamed. To hear that he was considered a case for Gentle Treatment overwhelmed him, and made him blush in the dark. It was like being publicly praised, when you and all the audience knew that the praise was not deserved. Niggle hid his blushes in the rough blanket.
There was a silence. Then the First Voice spoke to Niggle, quite close. "You have been listening," it said.
"Yes," said Niggle.
"Well, what have you to say?"
"Could you tell me about Parish?" said Niggle. "I should like to see him again. I hope he is not very ill? Can you cure his leg? It used to give him a wretched time. And please don't worry about him and me. He was a very good neighbour, and let me have excellent potatoes very cheap, which saved me a lot of time."
"Did he?" said the First Voice. "I am glad to hear
There was another silence. Niggle heard the Voices receding. "Well, I agree," he heard the First Voice say in the distance. "Let him go on to the next stage. Tomorrow, if you like."
 
Niggle woke up to find that his blinds were drawn, and his little cell was full of sunshine. He got up, and found that some comfortable clothes had been put out for him, not hospital uniform. After breakfast the doctor treated his sore hands, putting some salve on them that healed them at once. He gave Niggle some good advice, and a bottle of tonic (in case he needed it). In the middle of the morning they gave Niggle a biscuit and a glass of wine; and then they gave him a ticket.
"You can go to the railway station now," said the doctor. "The Porter will look after you. Good-bye."
 
Niggle slipped out of the main door, and blinked a little. The sun was very bright. Also he had expected to walk out into a large town, to match the size of the station; but he did not. He was on the top of a hill, green, bare, swept by a keen invigorating wind. Nobody else was about. Away down under the hill he could see the roof of the station shining.
He walked downhill to the station briskly, but without hurry. The Porter spotted him at once.
"This way!" he said, and led Niggle to a bay, in which there was a very pleasant little local train standing: one coach, and a small engine, both very bright, clean, and newly painted. It looked as if this was their first run. Even the track that lay in front of the engine looked new: the rails shone, the chairs were painted green, and the sleepers gave off a delicious smell of fresh tar in the warm sunshine. The coach was empty.
"Where does this train go, Porter?" asked Niggle.
"I don't think they have fixed its name yet," said the Porter. "But you'll find it all right." He shut the door.
The train moved off at once. Niggle lay back in his seat. The little engine puffed along in a deep cutting with high green banks, roofed with blue sky. It did not seem very long before the engine gave a whistle, the brakes were put on, and the train stopped. There was no station, and no signboard, only a flight of steps up the green embankment. At the top of the steps there was a wicket-gate in a trim hedge. By the gate stood his bicycle; at least, it looked like his, and there was a yellow label tied to the bars with niggle written on it in large black letters.

Wednesday 27 November 2019

Laughter is Infectious




 
You've heard of the placebo effect.
But are you aware of the nocebo effect? 
 
 
In which the human body has a negative physical reaction to a suggested harm.
 
This will make you vomit.
This will make you vomit.
This will make you vomit.
 
 Your mind has the power to create its own physical reality.



This will make you vomit.
 


[VOMITING]
[CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
 



Why do we yawn when we see others yawn? 
 
Throughout history, there have been incidents.
 
The Dancing Plague of 1518 
 
The Tanganyika laughter epidemic.
 
The Hindu milk miracle.
 
Psychologists call it 
conversion disorder.
 


In that the body converts a mental stress to a set of physical symptoms.
 
In this case, a tic, or spasm.
 
And, like any disorder, it can be contagious.
 
This kind of collective behavior is not limited to human beings.
 
What we know is that, in certain communities, under specific circumstances, an involuntary physical symptom developed by one person can become viral.
 
 
And spread, from person to person until the entire community is infected.
 
And so, my question to you is, if the idea of illness can become illness, what else about our reality is actually a disorder? 
 
  



 
ANIMATION: 
Cartoon sequence of animated Victorian photos, at the end of which a large pig descends, fatally, on a portrait of a man.
 
Cut to wartime planning room. Two officers are pushing model pigs across the map. A private enters and salutes.
 
Private
Dobson's bought it, sir.
 
 
Officer
Porker, eh?
Swine.
 
Cut to a suburban house in a rather drab street. 
Zoom into upstairs window. 
Serious documentary music. 
 
Interior of a small room. 
A bent figure (Michael) huddles over a table, writing. 
He is surrounded by bits of paper. 
The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.
 
 
Voice Over
This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. 
In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in The World... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.
 
Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.
 
Voice Over
It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...
 
 
 
 
 
The scribbler's mother (Eric) enters. 
She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. 
 
Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and (thinking it is a suicide note - for he has not been doing well for the last thirteen years) picks it up and reads it between her sobs. 
 
Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. 
 
Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.
 
Commentator (reverentially) 
This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. 
 
Sudden ...violent ... comedy. 
 
Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
 
Inspector
I shall enter the house and attempt to remove The Joke.
 
At this point an upstairs window in the house is flung open and a doctor, with stetoscope, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. 
 
The commentator and the inspector look up briefly and sadly,
and then continue as if they are used to such sights this morning.
 
Inspector
I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records,
and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... 
 
(he indicates a little knot of dour-looking policemen standing nearby
 
The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.
 
 
He gives a signal. 
The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. 
The Dead March is heard. 
The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.
 
Commentator
There goes a brave man.
Whether he comes out alive or not,
this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous
and gallant acts in police history.
 
 
The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. 
 
Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.
 
Voice Over
It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. 
 
Under top security, The Joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
 
Cut to door at Ham House:
Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. 
 
(Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) 
 
Dispatch nider rushes in. 
A door opens for him and closes behind him. 
We hear a mighty roar of laughter....
series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. 
Soldier outside does not move a muscle.
 
Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.
Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.
 
Voice Over
Top brass were impressed. 
Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed The Joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.
 
 
 
Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. 
Zoom through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. 
 
He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. 
 
Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
 
Cut in to corporal's face -
registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity. 
 
Man on top of pillbox waves flag.
The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. 
He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. 
 
Two watching generals are very impressed.
 
Generals
Fantastic.
 
 
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
 
Colonel
All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of The Joke.
 
They worked on one word each for greater safety.
 
One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital.
 
But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had The Joke by January,
in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.
 
Cut to a trench in the Ardennes.
Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.
 
Voice Over
So, on July 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...
 
Commanding NCO
Squad! Tell The ... Joke.
 
Joke Brigade (together)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
 
Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is.
There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.
 
Voice Over
It was a fantastic success.
Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...
 
Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper.
 
Voice Over
...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
 
Film of Hitler rally.
Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed. 
 
SUBTITLE
'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
 
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE:
HOW DOES HE SMELL?
 
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE:
AWFUL
 
Voice Over
In action it was deadly.
 
Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest.
Suddenly one of them (a member of the joke squad) sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover.
From the cover of a tree he reads out Joke.
 
Joke Corporal
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
 
Sniper falls laughing out of tree.
 
Joke Brigade (charging)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
 
They chant the joke.
Germans are put to flight laughing, some dropping to ground.
 
Voice Over
The German casualties were appalling.
 
Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
 
Cut to Nazi interrogation room.
An officer from the joke brigade has a light shining in his face.
A Gestapo officer is interrogating him;
another (clearly labelled 'A Gestapo Officer') stands behind him.
 
Nazi
Vott is the big joke?
 
Officer
I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
 
Nazi
That's not funny!
(slaps him)
I vant to know the joke.
 
 
Officer
All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
 
Nazi (momentarily fooled)
I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?
 
Officer
Tread on his corns.
(does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
 
Nazi
Gott in Himmel!
That's not funny!
(mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect)
Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
 
Officer
I can stand physical pain, you know.
 
Nazi
Ah ... you're no fun.
All right, Otto.
 
Otto (Graham) starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.
 
Officer
Oh no - anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you.
 
They stop.
 
Nazi
Quick Otto.
The typewriter.
 
Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly.
The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.
 
Officer
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
 
Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.
 
Nazi
Ach! Zat iss not funny!
 
Bursts into laughter and dies.
A guard (Terry G) bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.
 
Officer (lightning speed)
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
 
The guard reels back and collapses laughing.
British officer makes his escape.
 
Cut to stock film of German scientists working in laboratories.
Voice Over
But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.
 
Cut to interior.
A German general (Terry J) is seated at an imposing desk.
Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'.
Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room.
He clean his throat and reads from card.
 
German Joker
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie.
'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
 
He finishes and looks hopeful.
 
Otto
We let you know.
 
He shoots him.
More stock film of German scientists.
 
Voice Over
But by December their joke was ready,
and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
 
Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.
 
Radio (crackly German voice)
Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse,
and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
 
Radio bursts into 'Deutschland Ãœber Alles'.
The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.
 
Cut to modern BBC 2 interview.
The commentator in a woodland glade.
 
Commentator
In 1945 Peace broke out.
It was the end of The Joke.
Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention,
and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
 
He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:
'To the unknown Joke'.
Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
Patriotic music reaches cresendo.
 
Cut to football referee who blows whistle.
Silence. Blank screen.
CAPTION:
'THE END'
 
The seashore again, with the 'It's' man lying on the beach.