Showing posts with label Eddie Murphey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eddie Murphey. Show all posts

Wednesday 4 August 2021

The Male Ego











I didn’t know what to do, 
because I could act like 
I could fight good. 

I’m an actor, 
I ain’t no fighter. 

You put me in a movie where I’m the star, 
I’ll kick your ass. 
This is real shit. 

He’s going, 
“Come on.” 

I was frozen, man. 

I was standing there, 
My Ego jumped out of my body 
and said, 
“Punch him in the face, Ed.” 

I said, 
“I ain’t punching nobody.” 
My Ego said, 
“Well, give me your hand.” 

Clocked that boy in his eye. 
Boy fell on the deck holding his eye, 
he was all fucked up. 

I looked at my ego, I said: 
“What the fuck you do that for?” 

Ego said, 
“Because you’ve got an image to uphold. 
You kicked the dude’s ass. Relax.” 

The dude was laying there, holding his eye. 

My ego said, 
“Now talk some shit so people know not to mess with you.”


And I was like, 
“Yeah…!
I’m tired of people messing with me.” 

“Now tell them if somebody else move, you gonna kick their ass.” 

“If somebody else move, 
I’m gonna kick their ass?” 

“Do some rhyme with your name. 
That always scares white people.” 

“Because I’m Ed 
and if you mess with Ed, 
you be dead.” 

“That’s all right. 
Just worry about… Shit, you doing fine. 

You just relax, don’t worry. Just be cool. 

Ain’t nobody gonna move after they seen you kick this dude’s ass. 
Just relax and cool out.”

 I start cooling out. 

My ego said: 
“Every now and then 
you gotta whip somebody’s ass, 
let them know 
where you stand.” 

I said, 
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!” 

I ain’t see this dude’s brother standing behind me. 
And he has seen Rocky too. 

And he swung around my back and punched me in the mouth… 
real, real hard. 

Because the punch said: 

And my ego said, 
“What was that?!” 

I said, 
“I don’t know.” 

And my lip said, 
“Hey, fellas!” 

So I’m standing there with my lips hanging down, looking like J.J. from Good Times and shit. 
And I ain’t know what to do, 
so I scream for security. 

I said, 
“Security!” 

And that’s when 
one of my boys jumped over the table 
like Linc Hayes from the Mod Squad 
and grabbed that boy and started going: 
Boy hit the deck. 
My boy jumps up 
and starts fucking this boy up 
and his brother woke up, 
jump on top of my boy 
and started kicking his ass. 

Then somebody says, 
“Fight in the back!” 

And all the people, the bouncers, came and saw two n i g g e r s fighting two white guys. 
They jump on the n i g g e r s. 
“You n i g g e r s have to learn 
to stop fucking up our club. 
Didn’t we let you in here, n i g g e r? 
“We saw you laughing 
while we were dancing. 
We saw you.” 

Then all the brothers saw 40 white guys beating up two black guys, 
“Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.” 
They jump in the fight. 

Then it looked like 40 white guys 
fighting 40 black guys, 
it was a big race war 
and suntan lotion 
and Jheri-curl juices 
shooting all over. 

And at the end of the fight, 
everybody sued me

Everybody claimed 
I whipped their ass. 

I’m 5’10”. 
I weigh 165 pounds. 

I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself. 
Even people that didn’t fight sued me. 

People that watched 
the fight was in court. 

“No, I didn’t actually fight, 
but I was there watching. 
And it was a discotheque 
and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, 
creating a weird effect 
with the mirror 
and I saw this 
and my eyes were sprained, 
the eyes, and I need 12 million 
for my sprained eyes.” 

Brothers sued me
Yo, man, the brothers 
came out and sued. 

I was like, 
“Ain’t no brothers gonna sue me.” 
Brothers sued Ed. 

The brothers went to get paid. 
I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.” 

They was like, “Fuck that. 
I’m getting paid, motherfucker.”

Wednesday 25 July 2018

The Tramp in A Clockwork Orange DOESN'T HAVE A DOG

 Sin? What's all this about sin?


[Alex has the tramp pinned down]

Tramp: 
Well, go on, do me in you bastard cowards! 

I don't want to live anyway, 
not in a Stinking World like this!

Alex: 
Oh..? And what's so stinking about it...?

Tramp: 
It's a Stinking World because there's 
No Law and Order anymore!

It's a Stinking World because it lets 
The Young get on to The Old
like you done. 

Oh, it's No World for An Old Man any longer

What Sort of a World is it at all? 

Men on The MOON....! 
And Men spinning around The Earth
and there's not no attention paid to Earthly Law and Order no more!



[He starts singing another song, and Alex and his droogs proceed to beat him]

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
Cause Rick is incorrigible. 
He shows up at my brother's house, fucked up.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
Nice place, nigger!

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
So he had these dirty cowboy boots on. 
Pushed us out of the way, barged in the house. 
My brother had these brand new couches, they were suede, right? And he gets on the couch and says...

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
ha!

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
And just started grinding mud all into the couch, man.

RICK JAMES: 
Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

OFF SCREEN INTERVIEWER: 
You remember why you did it?

RICK JAMES: 
Cause Eddie could buy another one.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
Fuck your couch, nigger! 
Ha ha! Buy another one, ya rich motherfucker. 
Fuck your couch, nigger. Fuck your couch! 
Darknesses! Darknesses!

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
Cause of my complexion, he used to call me darkness. 
He calls me and my brother darkness. Darkness brothers. See, this was long before Wesley Snipes, back then we was the blackest niggers on the planet according to Rick James.

RICK JAMES: 
Eddie and both of them darkness. Twin brother darkness.

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
And we're standing there looking at him and he's looking right in our eyes as he grinds this mud.

RICK JAMES: 
See, I never just did things just to do them, c'mon I mean, what I'm gonna do just all of the sudden just jump up and grind my feet in somebody's couch like it's something to do? 
Come on, I got a little more sense than that. 
...Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

[REWIND]


RICK JAMES: 
See, I never just did things just to do them, c'mon I mean, what I'm gonna do just all of the sudden just jump up and grind my feet in somebody's couch like it's something to do? Come on, I got a little more sense than that. ...Yeah, I remember grinding my feet into Eddie's couch.

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
But then it was like 
'You know what? Let's handle this' 
We went over there and we held him down and we just wailed on his legs.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
Awwww! You Darkness.!!
You black. Midnight. Evil motherfuckers!!! 
Black magic, darkness. Darkness. Delirious motherfuckers. You are cold as ice.

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
But still, Rick James, even after taking a beating like that.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
Fuck your couch, nigger!

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
This motherfucker's goin out, his legs is like linguine.

CHAPPELLE as RICK: 
I've been kicked out of better homes than this. I'll be back, you black motherfuckers. 
Wide nose having motherfuckers. 
They should've never given you niggers money!!!
 You don't know how to appreciate shit. 

You know you can get another couch. 
But what am I gonna do about legs!

CHARLIE MURPHY: 
My brother, you know, he's a lot more compassioniate than I am. 
He's lookin' and the limo's driving off and he says 
'Wow man, Rick really needs help'. 

I was like 
‘Yo, we just gave him some help!’ 


Busted his fuckin' ass.

'I betcha he won't come over here and disrespect like that again.'

WRONG! WRONG!  
You're talking about Rick James, man.

RICK JAMES: 
Cocaine's a helluva drug.