Women Break Things

DENZIL :

Del, my man! 

 

DEL :

Denzil my son, how are you? 

 

DENZIL :

Come in.

 

DEL : 

Yeah, great.

 

 

DENZIL :

I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been? 

 

DEL :

Well, you know me, here, there and everywhere - ducking and diving.

 

DENZIL :

Rodney, you're looking good! 

RODNEY :

Yeah! 

 

DENZIL :

He's cool, I like it! 

I tell you, if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black! 

 

DEL :

Yeah, he is white ain't he! 

 

DENZIL :

He's the whitest man I've ever seen in all my life! 

 

RODNEY :

I'm not ever so white! 

 

DEL :

You are!

You'd make an albino look bronzed! 

 

DENZIL :

(handing out the Red Stripe)

Here, grab one of these each!

 

DEL :

Oh, here Denzil, 

Corinne ain't about is she? 

 

DENZIL :

No, no, she's round her sister's.

 

DEL :

Oh that's alright

 

DENZIL : 

Hey, you ain't still worried about what happened are you? 

Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now.

Anyway, what brings you round? 

 

DEL :

Just passing through, 

thought we'd call in.

'Ere have you had this place done up? 

 

DENZIL :

No.

 

DEL :

No, I didn't think you had.

 

DENZIL :

We're getting it decorated soon though.

Corinnes' been at me for ages about it,

but I'm no good at that sort of thing so I got The Irishman to do it.

 

DEL :

Oh Brendan? 

Oh well, you can't go far wrong with him Denzil.

He's a good man.

Here, did you hear about that house he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue.

He made a beautiful job of it 

so I hear.

Mind you I only saw it after the fire! 

Who's a pretty boy? 

He's a lovely boy ain't he! 

Is he yours Denzil? 

 

DENZIL :

No, he's Corinne's, she's had him for a few years - what fire? 

You mean the house burnt down? 

 

DEL :

Yeah, but don't get me wrong, it wasn't Brendan's fault! 

I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes who like a couple of pints at dinner time.

And it's very easy to forget where you left your blow-lamp! 

 

DENZIL :

So it was accidental then? 

 

DEL :

Oh yeah! It was an accident, 

even the coroner said so! 

 

DENZIL :

Coroner?? 

 

DEL :

Yeah.

 

DENZIL :

Right, that's it, I'm having no drunken Irishman 

falling about my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp!

No way.

 

DEL :

Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't said nothing now,

oh I feel really bad about this - you know what, with Brendan being a mate an' all! 

Look, never mind Denzil.

Look on the bright side, he might not burn your place down.

 

DENZIL :

Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del, I'm getting somebody else to do the job! 

 

DEL :

Oh well.

Well, it's up to you.

I mean, as I always used to say to my customers

when I was in the painting and decorating game, I used to say

'It's your money, it's your choice.' 

 

DENZIL :

You never told me you used to be a painter and decorator? 

 

DEL :

Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the family trade for generations ain't it Rodney? 

 

RODNEY :

Eh?

Yeah.

 

DEL :

There you are, see.

But demand got too much, we had to give it up in the end.

 

DENZIL :

Listen, couldn't you just do this living room for us? 

 

DEL :

What this? 

Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no, you know, we've given the game up now! 

 

DENZIL :

Oh come on Del!

Corinne's been bending my ear about it for ages.

Just this one room yeah? 

 

DEL :

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

If I do it for you I've got to do it for all the others!

Haven't I? 

 

DENZIL :

Del, for a mate in trouble!

Please!

 

DEL :

Alright, just for you though! 

 

DENZIL :

Cheers Del, you're a pal! 

 

DEL :

I don't know.

I don't know what it is with you.

You manage to twist me right round your little finger, don't you? 

 

DENZIL :

When can you start? 

 

DEL :

First thing in the morning.

A hundred up front, we supply the paint and that's extra.

 

DENZIL :

Done.

 

DEL :

And you will be.

 

DENZIL :

I'll get some more drinks.

 

DEL :

Good, what about that Rodney, eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh? 

 

RODNEY :

I don't think I'm ever so white! 

 

DEL :

You are.

You look like a blood donor who couldn't say no! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Hiya!

Hi hon.

Hello baby, have you missed me?

 

 Denzil!! 

What the hell is he doing in my home?? 

 

DEL :

Hello Corinne, you look as lovely as ever! 

 

DENZIL :

Del just popped in to say hi hon.

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Did he really?

 

'Hello'.

 

There's the door!

'There's the door.' 

 

DEL :

She's a card ain't she! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

And what's he doing? 

 

RODNEY :

I want you to tell me the truth Corinne.

Am I white? 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Denzil - have you and Rodney 

been at the funny fags? 

 

DENZIL :

No, honest hon, we haven't, 

we've just got some drinks that's all.

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

I go round my sister's to see how she is after having the stitches out,

and I come back to find my home full of.... crazy people! 

 

DENZIL :

Oh come on babe, be friendly! 

Del's gonna do the decorating for us! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

He's what?!

 

DENZIL :

Well, I blew the Irishman out, 

I mean I've heard bad things about him! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Denzil, how can you trust this man? 

Every time you meet him 

you end up drunk or out of pocket? 

 

DENZIL :

Yeah I know, but he's a mate! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Would a mate sell you an overcoat like the one he sold you? 

 

DEL :

Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne, 

that was a very nice overcoat,

looked like it was made to measure! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame! 

And what about the time he offered to do the catering or us? 

 

DENZIL :

Oh don't bring that up honey please.

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

That was our wedding Denzil! 

 

What was it we were supposed to have Del? 

Lobster vol-au-vents, game pie, 

kidneys with saffron rice, 

beef and anchovy savouries! 

Philadelphia Truffles! 

 

And what did we end up with? 

Pie 'n' chips all round! 

 

DEL :

Now I explained all that Corinne, didn't I? 

The fridge went on the blink 

and all the goodies went manky! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

And what about our three-tier wedding cake? 

 

DEL :

Yeah, well, that was in the fridge 

with all the other gear! 

I mean the icing melted, 

it dripped everywhere! 

 

RODNEY :

Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne, 

by the end of the week 

it looked like a big candle! 

 

DEL :

I thought you said she'd forgotten about all this! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

How can I forget it? 

I have to live with that wedding album the rest of my life.

How many times have you seen a picture of a bride and groom 

cutting a jam sponge? 

RODNEY :

Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair.

He only got that at the 11th hour, 

otherwise it could have been an eccles cake! 

 

CORINNE,

Wife of Denzil :

You want 'em to do the decorating then you let 'em.

 

But I promise you this Denzil —

 

If anything goes wrong

I'll make you wish your mother had had a headache the night you was conceived! 

 

[crash]

 

[something breaks]

 

DEL :

She's a little Treasure ain't she? 

 

Come on Rodney, let's leave the love-birds alone! 

Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's in the kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the paint fumes.

 

Leave the key under the mat! 

Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes sense!

 

Come on, let's get out of here.

That'll keep us out of trouble for a couple of days! 

 

Men Also Bleed

“If it bleeds, We can Kill it.”

 

Laurence Fishburne suggested that his character remove his sunglasses for the fight with the agent on board the tractor-trailer, to remind the audience of Morpheus' fight with Agent Smith in The Matrix (1999) (during which he wears no sunglasses), and to better express his character's vulnerability.

Rodney :

What are you doing, 

winding him up? 

Del-Boy :

Yeah, yeah, I'm winding him up aren't I.

I'm winding him up! 

Rodney :

Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights, and get himself sorted out!

Del-Boy :

He's a Trotter Rodney.

Rodney :

We're Trotters! 

Del-Boy :

Yes I know, but we 

take after Mum in Nature.

He's from Dad's Side of The Family! 

You know what they're like.

You offer 'em a cup of tea and they think you've adopted 'em.

Look at that time when 

Dad came round here 

he wanted to stay 'one' night! 

Took us nigh on a fortnight 

to get rid of him! 

Rodney :

Uncle Albert might not be like that! 

Del-Boy :

Oh leave it out Rodney! 

You've heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time he came round the Cape of Good Hope, he was three months on the same wave! 

Rodney :

I don't believe you Del, 

I do not believe that you of all people, could! 

Del-Boy :

Where do you think you're going? 

Rodney :

I'm going down the caff, I'm gonna get some grub 

and some better company! 

....I'm gonna put some clothes on first! 

You've changed Del! 

Del-Boy :

Yeah, well it's about time you did, 

come on, we've got to 

go down the market later on.

Rodney :

No, I mean your personality has changed! 

I've seen a side of you I never knew existed! 

Del-Boy :

You don't understand Rodney! 

Rodney :

You're right about that Del! 

I mean, look at you last night, you was laughing you was drinking, I mean, why didn't you just put yer Boney M record on Del, we could have had a good old knees up! 

It was Grandad's—

How could you get over it so easily? 

Del-Boy :

Get over it? 

What a plonker you •really• are Rodney!

Get over it...!!

I ain't even started yet!!! 

Ain't even started bruv! 

And d'you know why? 

Because I don't know how to!!! 

That's why I've survived all 

my life with a smile and a prayer! 

I'm Del Boy ain't I! 

Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! 

'Ere you are pal, what you drinking? 

Go on! Hello darling, 

you have one for luck!!' 

That's me, that's Del Boy innit? 

Nothing ever upsets Del Boy.

I've always played the tough guy! 

I didn't want to, but I had to —

And I've played it for so long now, 

I don't know how to be anything else! 

I don't even know how to—

Oh it don't matter! 

Bloody families! 

I've finished with 'em! 

What Do They Do to You, eh? 

They hold you back, drag you down...... 

and then they break yer bloody heart... 

I'm sorry.

Del-Boy :

Listen to me, Raquel —

Raquel :

No.

You listen to me.

You've got to make contact with reality.

Everything with you is image.

I saw you in the pub.

We're broke and you threw money around like Elton John.

And instead of finding work, you sit in this flat pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.

When we're in the Capri, you have the windows up, even in a heatwave, to make it look like you've got air conditioning! 

Del-Boy :

I know I'm not perfect....

Raquel :

That is the understatement of the year! 

Unless a miracle happens, in ten days' time, my son and I are going to be living in some bed and breakfast in Sodoffsville! 

Del-Boy :

If it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.

I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.

Raquel :

You're a Man, Del! 

You'll never understand.

Just remember, only women bleed.

Del-Boy :

Cor blimey! Only women bleed! Gordon Bennett! 

I am not a Control Freak.

It's just that I have had no choice.

Do you realise that when I was 16, my old man walked out 

and left me and Rodney with our daft old granddad? 

He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.

So I had to take over and I've been doing it ever since 

and I can't get out of the habit.

Raquel :

I'm gonna have a lie-down.

All right? 

Del-Boy :

Yeah.

Fine.

Raquel and I have had a quiet little chat.

Rodney :

Yeah, I heard.

You got somewhere to stay after the auction? 

Del-Boy :

Trigger said I could doss down at his place.

There's not much room, what with all those "X-File" videos and chopsticks.

Oh, dear.

Women.

Do you know what Raquel said? 

Only women bleed.

Blimey! She ought to be outside the Nag's Head 

on a Saturday night.

They reckon they suffer.

They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.

They worry about their PMT.

Us men worry about —

Rodney :

Our MOT? 

Del-Boy :

Yes.

Do they listen to us? 

Rodney :

No, they don't.

Del-Boy :

No, they don't.

She'll never meet another bloke like me, will she? 

Rodney :

No, she won't.

Del-Boy :

That's it, Rodney.

Once the flat is auctioned we'll go our separate ways.

I won't see her again.

Rodney :

Del, don't say that.

Del-Boy :

No.

That's it.

She won't be able to get round me.

When my mind is made up, 

my mind is made up! 

Raquel :

Del? 

Del-Boy :

Yes.

Raquel :

I just said I'm going for a lie-down.

Del-Boy :

She's — She's all right really.

She's lovely, isn't she, eh? 

Rodney :

Yeah.

She's lovely.

I Have Been BADLY Betrayed....

dickless (n.)

   A State of Being or Manner of Life characterised by a ready willingness to throw some other poor bastard (albeit possibly guilty, you just don't know) completely Under The proverbial Bus, in favour of sparing your own worthless hide.

c.f. "Don't Do it to Me, Do it to Julia! To JULIA!!"

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh- let me enlighten you —

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin ‘dilatare’, which means 'open wide'.

The Dick, Vincent.

The Penis, The Slongker, The Cock, The Old Fella.... 

Has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you ...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

Boss Falcone :

Yeah, Dr. Crane, l can't take it anymore.

lt's all too much.

The walls are closing in.

Blah, blah, blah.

A couple of days of this food, it'll be true.

Dr. Crane :

What do you want?

Boss Falcone :

l wanna know how you're gonna convince me to keep my mouth shut.

Dr. Crane :

About what?

You don't know anything.

Boss Falcone :

l know you don't want the cops to take a closer look at the drugs they seized.

And l know about your experiments

with the inmates of your nut house.

See, l don't go into business with a guy without finding out his dirty secrets.

And those goons you used.

l own the muscle in this town.

Now, l've been bringing your stuff in for months, so whatever he's planning, it's big, and l want in.

Dr. Crane :

Well, l already know what he'll say.

That we should kill you.

Boss Falcone :

Even he can't get me in here.

Not in my town.

Vinnie :

Ay up, Si.

Do you want it after all? 

Vin, where did you get them antiques? 

You know the rules.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Si, listen, you know — 

Fuck The Rules.

I'm in deep shit here.

You just tell me where you nicked them antiques from.

I didn't nick —

Well, I did.

I nicked a car, and the antiques, they were in the boot.

What's going on? 

Just get down here.

Why? 

Just get down here now.

Don't tell anyone you're coming.

All right.

Si, what's going - Si? 

Black Skinhead Oi! 

Get up, you little fucker.

Get up! 

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh- let me enlighten you.

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin ‘dilatare’, which means 'open wide'.

The Dick, Vincent.

The Penis, The Slongker, The Cock, The Old Fella.... has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you ...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

No.

Please.

It was in —

Shut it.

Where's my antique dildo? 

On a farm.

Which farm? 

Jim's farm.

I can get it back, though.

Who stole 'em? 

I don't know.

Who was driving the car you nicked? 

I don't know Oh, fuck! A young guy.

Fuck, I didn't really see him.

He might have had brown hair.

Told you, didn't I? In the hospital, do you remember? 

I said, "If our paths cross again." 

I know, but all this —

I didn't know it had your things in it, and I'll get 'em back! 

I'll fuck I'll get you whatever you want! 

Cut his dick off.

No, no, no! Give me an hour! 

Give me one hour! 

I know where it is.

This is just a mistake, this.

All right, you, trousers off.

What?! 

I could find out the owner of that car.

I fucking can I'll find out I'll get it back.

My friend's a mechanic.

Fucking trousers off! 

My friend's a mechanic —

Boxers.

Fuck 

Boxers.

Mr McCann No! Wait, wait! 

Just - Just  - Don't — 

All right, now, say bye-bye to it.

Why? Why? 

Say bye-bye.

Fuck - This is fucking madness, man.

Say it! 

Bye, bye, byebye.

Properly.

You can't do this.

Don't - Please don't cut my dick off in a pawn shop, man.

Don't - Don't - Fuck.

Vin! You will always remember the moment before you become dickless.

It's The End of One Life and The Start of Another.

Pre and post-dick.

I have been •BADLY• betrayed, and the only people with knowledge of my antiques are people that know my house, people who come and go, people with regular access.

I want to fucking know.

I •have• to fucking know.

I can find out.

I fucking can.

I can find out.

OK - You find out who took that dildo, you keep your dick.

You don't, it comes off.

Do we understand ourselves? 

Yeah.

Do we fucking understand each other?! 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

SLATER :

You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece! 

Unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave.

DEL BOY :

Oh, leave it out Slater.

You know I can't do that.

It's against my principles! 

My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark! 

SLATER :

Well, you're gonna have a lot of time to think about your principles! 

I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy! 

I'll get the charge sheets typed up.

DEL BOY :

Now, just a minute - Roy.

Let's not be hasty! 

I think we can make a deal.

SLATER :

I don't like deals! 

DEL BOY :

You're gonna like this one! 

If I give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven, 

you let Rodney and Grandad go - no charges.

SLATER :

Yeah, alright.

I'll let them go.

And you'll also drop all charges against me! 

SLATER :

Oh come on Del, I'm looking forward to that! 

You don't seem to understand what I'm saying Slater! 

Once I give you the name, I'll be one of your grasses.

SLATER :

Oh Del, Del Boy, that is beautiful! 

You would be one of my Merry Men! 

I'd have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance whenever I felt bored! 

And if you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known on the streets that you're an informer! 

DEL BOY :

Yeah! I know! 

SLATER :

The deal's on my old hoppo.

I'll drop the charges against you, you have My Word.

DEL BOY :

Your Word! 

Your Word means about as much as the guarantee on that hooky microwave! 

No, I want immunity from prosecution.

And I want it in writing and I want it signed, sealed and delivered.

SLATER :

I'll get it arranged right away Derek.

Oh, we're gonna have a good future together you and me, I can feel it.

What's up Del? Cursing the day you crossed me? 

DEL BOY :

No, I'm cursing the day I made them stop at your belly button! 

Why's he keeping Del Boy in there? 

That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last 'alf hour! 

And for the 38th time Grandad, I'm telling you, I don't know.

I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving, he'd get a fifty pound fine, and then it would all be forgot about! 

That's what I thought! 

So did I! So why's he keeping him in there? 

Gawd bless my old brown I don't bloody know Grandad.

Well, Rodney —

PC HOSKINS :

Look I thought I told you two you were free to go! 

Oh, we thought we'd hang on for a while.

Yeah, it's good here, innit?

SLATER :

Still here?

We're waiting for Del.

GRANDAD TROTTER :

Will he be long son? 

SLATER :

Only as long as it takes him to tell me who nicked the microwave.

Better get our heads down till the morning then! 

Oh, no, Del's seen the light.

He's decided to cooperate.

No, you're pulling our legs! 

SLATER :

D'you reckon? 

Why don't you come in and see for yourself.

Come on.

Alright Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now.

PC Hoskins :

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

SLATER :

There you are, Del Boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the Superintendent himself.

What are you playing at, Del??!! 

DEL BOY :

What're they doing 'ere? 

SLATER :

Oh I thought it'd be interesting for them to see you in your real light.

The Great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing.

DEL BOY :

I've gotta tell him Rodney.

He's got me all ends up — I've got no choice.

But you don't know his name Del.

He was just a bloke in the market! 

DEL BOY :

Oh leave it out, Grandad.

If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions he'd have his men searching for a someone who's a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! 

SLATER :

With a deaf-aid! 

DEL BOY :

With a deaf aid! 

Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for myself.

He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird.

But, but that's against the law! 

SLATER :

Well phone the Police! 

Don't tell him Del.

DEL BOY :

Look, I've got to Rodney.

Otherwise it'll mean you and me will go down the road and Grandad's gonna be left alone on the estate, see? 

I've got no choice, I've got no choice! 

Alright Mr. Slater let's get down to business.

SLATER :

Oh Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears.

I will cherish this moment! 

Righto Del, who nicked it? 

DEL BOY :

They are free to go ain't they? 

SLATER :

Yeah, they're free to go - no charges, they can leave whenever they like.

OK, give me his name.

DEL BOY :

You've got nothing on me either? 

SLATER :

No! You've got an immunity from prosecution.

You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen.

DEL BOY :

Long as I know.

SLATER :

Right, for the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? 

[ Del signs the document guaranteeing his immunity from prosecution. ]

DEL BOY :

I did!