The Old Man Thinks He is in Love with His Daughter

Ros Who was that? 

Guil Didn’t you know him? 

Ros He didn’t know me. 

Guil He didn’t see you. 

Ros I didn’t see him. 

Guil We shall see. I hardly knew him, he’s changed. 

Ros You could see that? 

Guil Transformed. 

Ros How do you know? 

Guil Inside and out. 

Ros I see. Guil He’s not himself. 

Ros He’s changed. 

Guil I could see that. (Beat.) Glean what afflicts him. 

Ros Me? 

Guil Him. 

Ros How? 

Guil Question and answer. Old ways are the best ways. 

Ros He’s afflicted. 

Guil You Question, I’ll Answer. 

Ros He’s not himself, you know. 

Guil I’m Him, you see. Beat. 

Ros Who am I then? 

Guil You’re yourself. 

Ros And He’s you? 

Guil Not a bit of it. 

Ros Are you afflicted? 

Guil That’s the idea. Are you ready? 

Ros Let’s go back a bit. 

Guil I’m afflicted. 

Ros I see. 

Guil Glean what afflicts me. 

Ros Right. 

Guil Question and Answer. 

Ros How should I begin? 

Guil Address me. 

Ros My dear Guildenstern! 

Guil (quietly) You’ve forgotten – haven’t you? 

Ros My dear Rosencrantz! 

Guil (great control) I don’t think you quite understand. What we are attempting is A Hypothesis in which I answer for Him, while You ask Me Questions. 

Ros Ah! Ready? 

Guil You know what to do? 

Ros What? 

Guil Are you stupid? 

Ros Pardon? 

Guil Are you deaf? 

Ros Did you speak? 

Guil (admonishing) Not now – 

Ros Statement. 

Guil (shouts) Not now! (Pause.) If I had any doubts, or rather hopes, they are dispelled. What could we possibly have in common except Our Situation? (They separate and sit.) Perhaps he’ll come back this way. 

Ros Should we go? 

Guil Why? Pause. 

Ros (starts up. Snaps fingers) Oh! You mean – you pretend to be him, and I ask you questions! 

Guil (dry) Very good. 

Ros You had me confused. 

Guil I could see I had. 

Ros How should I begin? 

Guil Address me. 

They stand and face each other, posing. 

Ros My honoured Lord! 

Guil My dear Rosencrantz! Pause. 

Ros Am I pretending to be You, then? 

Guil Certainly not. If You like. Shall we continue? 

Ros Question and Answer. 

Guil Right. 

Ros Right. My honoured lord! 

Guil My dear fellow! 

Ros How are you? 

Guil Afflicted! 

Ros Really? In what way? 

Guil Transformed. 

Ros Inside or out? 

Guil Both. 

Ros I see. (Pause.) Not much new there. 

Guil Go into details. Delve. Probe The Background, establish The Situation. 

Ros So – so Your Uncle is The King of Denmark?! 

Guil And My Father before Him. 

Ros His Father before him? 

Guil No, My Father before Him. 

Ros But surely – 

Guil You might well ask. 

Ros Let Me get it straight. Your Father was King. You were His Only Son. Your Father dies. You are of age. Your Uncle becomes King. 

Guil Yes. 

Ros Unorthodox. 

Guil Undid Me. 

Ros Undeniable. Where were You? 

Guil In Germany. 

Ros Usurpation, then. 

Guil He slipped in. 

Ros Which reminds Me... 

Guil Well, it would. 

Ros I don’t want to be personal. 

Guil It’s common knowledge. 

Ros Your Mother’s marriage. 

Guil He slipped in. Beat. 

Ros (lugubriously) His Body was still warm. 

Guil So was hers. 

Ros Extraordinary. 

Guil Indecent. 

Ros Hasty. 

Guil Suspicious. 

Ros It makes You Think. 

Guil Don’t Think I haven’t Thought of it. 

Ros And with Her Husband’s Brother. 

Guil They were close. 

Ros She went to Him – 

Guil – Too close – 

Ros – for comfort. 

Guil It Looks Bad. 

Ros It adds up. 

Guil Incest to Adultery. 

Ros Would You Go so Far? 

Guil Never. 

Ros To Sum up : Your Father, whom You Love, dies, You are His Heir, You come back to find that hardly was The Corpse cold before His Young Brother popped on to His Throne and into His Sheets, thereby offending both Legal and Natural Practice. 

Now, 
Why Exactly are You Behaving in This Extraordinary Manner? 

Guil I can’t Imagine! (Pause.) But all that is well known, common property. Yet He sent for Us. And We Did Come.