I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire
to Guide My Decisions.
For Those Who Understand,
no explanation is necessary;
For Those Who Don't,
no explanation will suffice.
Epiphany: 4 Events Rolled into One
EXT. 437TH CIVIL AFFAIRS COMPANY - DAY 16
Archie sits on a folding chair facing
COLONEL HORN, 45, who is furious.
Soldiers and vehicles pass.
COLONEL HORN
You're supposed to make her feel good
about the stories we want,
not push stories we don't want,
and you don't walk away from her
to fuck another journalist.
ARCHIE GATES
I never wanted this job, Ron.
COLONEL HORN
It's a great job, Arch, Your Work in Iraq was over,
I'm trying to help you out.
ARCHIE GATES
I don't even know What We Did over here.
COLONEL HORN
Don't even start that with me,
because this has been a huge success.
ARCHIE GATES
Oh you got your star clinched.
COLONEL HORN
(touches his collar)
It's not my fault you plateaued a long time ago,
big-mouthed N.C.O. at heart.
ARCHIE GATES
I don't even know What
We Did Here, Ron.
COLONEL HORN
You want to occupy Iraq
and do Vietnam again,
is that what you want?
ARCHIE GATES
Fuck it, I'm retiring, anyway.
I don't care.
COLONEL HORN
Until you do, you're an Army officer,
and you're still taking care
of that reporter,
so do it right.
Maybe she'll hook you up to
consult with the media at home.
ARCHIE GATES
Fuck that.
INT. CAPTAIN'S TENT - DAY
17
SPLASH -- rubbing alcohol is poured
over Vig's extended hand by Chief.
TROY
You've washed your hands
like a thousand times, Conrad.
VIG
Lord knows what vermin live
in the butt of a dune-koon.
CHIEF
Don't say that around me.
CHIEF
Why do you let this cracker
follow you around?
TROY
He's all right, man,
he's got no high school,
he's from a group home in Dallas,
he doesn't know any better --
VIG
Don't tell people that.
CHIEF
I don't give a shit if he's from Johannesburg.
I don't want to hear dune-koon or sand-n*gger
from him or anybody else.
VIG
Captain uses those terms -- ?
CHIEF
No.
TROY
No.
VIG
I apologize but it's a little confusing
with all of this pro-Saudi,
anti-Iraqi language and all that.
CHIEF (O.S.)
These are definitely Saddam's bunkers
between Karbala and Nazaria.
TROY
What's inside?
CHIEF
According to Intel,
Picasso, Sony, Rolex, Armani.
Kuwait was Arab Beverly Hills
and Saddam sacked it.
TROY
It would be nice to bring something home
besides sand fleas --
CHIEF
Whatever, The Good Lord put this map in Our Path
and we're gonna find something --
TROY
He could also put a land mine
in our path if we go out there --
CHIEF
Don't Worry.
I was Fire-Baptized,
and This Feels Safe.
TROY
What the hell are you talking about?
CHIEF
I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire
to Guide My Decisions.
TROY
I'm not following this.
You're putting me on, right?
CHIEF
For those who understand,
no explanation is necessary;
For those who don't,
no explanation will suffice.
Scene 2: Three Wise Men with Bad Senses of Direction
holy music
BABY BRIAN COHEN:
crying
WISE MAN #1:
Ahem.
MANDY COHEN:
Ohhh!
whump
Who are you?
WISE MAN #1:
We are three wise men.
MANDY:
What?!
WISE MAN #1:
We are three wise men.
MANDY:
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed
at two o'clock in the morning?
That doesn't sound very wise to me.
WISE MAN #3:
We are astrologers.
WISE MAN #1:
We have come from The East.
MANDY:
Is this some kind of joke?
WISE MAN #2:
We wish to praise the infant.
WISE MAN #1:
We must pay homage to him.
MANDY:
Homage? You're all drunk.
It's disgusting. Out!
The lot, out!
WISE MAN #1:
No--
MANDY:
Bursting in here with tales
about oriental fortune tellers.
Come on. Out!
WISE MAN #2:
No, no. We must see him.
MANDY:
Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!
WISE MAN #2:
We--
WISE MAN #1:
We were led by A Star.
MANDY:
Or led by a bottle, more like.
Go on. Out!
WISE MAN #1:
Well-- well, we must see him.
We have brought presents.
MANDY:
Out!
WISE MAN #2:
Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.
MANDY:
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there. Sorry the place is
a bit of a mess.
Well, what is myrrh, anyway?
WISE MAN #3:
It is a valuable balm.
MANDY:
A balm?
What are you giving him a balm for?
It might bite him.
WISE MAN #3:
What?
MANDY:
That's a dangerous animal.
Quick! Throw it in the trough.
WISE MAN #1:
No, it isn't.
MANDY:
Yes, it is. It's great,
big mmm...
WISE MAN #3:
No, no, no. It is an ointment.
MANDY:
Aww, there is an animal called a balm,...
or did I dream it?
So, you're astrologers, are you?
Well, what is he then?
WISE MAN #2:
Hmm?
MANDY:
What star sign is he?
WISE MAN #2:
Uh, Capricorn.
MANDY:
Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN #2:
Ooh, but... he is
The Son of God, Our Messiah.
WISE MAN #1:
King of the Jews.
MANDY:
And that's Capricorn, is it?
WISE MAN #2:
Uh, no, no, no.
That's just him.
MANDY:
Ohh, I was going to say,
'Otherwise, there'd be
a lot of them.' sniff
WISE MAN #1:
By what name are you calling him?
MANDY:
Uh, 'Brian'.
WISE MEN:
We worship you, O Brian,
who are Lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian,
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
MANDY:
Do you do a lot of this, then?
WISE MAN #2:
What?
MANDY:
This praising.
WISE MAN #2:
No, no. No, no.
MANDY:
Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh.
And thanks a lot for the gold
and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right?
Heh. Thank you! Good-bye!
Well, weren't they nice?
Hmm. Out of their
bloody minds, but still.
WISE MEN leave
Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.
WISE MEN return and grab presents
Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that!
Oh.
whump
holy music
BABY BRIAN:
crying
MANDY:
Shut up.
smack
