Matrimony

 

HARKER :

You're a Monster. 

DRACULA :

And you're a Lawyer!

Nobody's Perfect.

(turns to the dying Bride he just murdered)

Ah, A Stake through The Heart.

You see, sometimes 

The Legends are right.

This is not one you can 

test too often, though.

I only ever have three 

brides at a time.

HARKER:

"Brides"?

DRACULA :

Brides, yes. 

I think that's 

The Right Word for it.

You see, um...

[ • ahem • ] ....I am 

trying to reproduce...

 

...which, frankly, 

can be a bit of 

A Challenge when 

There is Only 

One of You.

[English] The Master Scene - [The Wedding]

The Master :

Would you scrub yourself 

and make yourself clean.

My Daughter is 

getting married.

Come and join us —

Leave your worries for a while.

They'll still be there

when you get back.

And your memories 

aren't invited.

Stand wherever you like.

Good day, good day, 

good day, good day.

What a day. What a day.

Mama.

Rascal.

Clark, big day?

Big day indeed, sir.

How are you feeling?

I feel pretty well, thank you. How are you?

Wonderful.

As long as you 

hold these bodies,

in this life, you will 

be Man and Wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Master :

Marriage!

Previous to The Cause 

was awful.... Awful --

It was a cycle, 

like Life.

Birth, excitement, 

growth, decay, death.

Now... now...

...how about this?

Here it comes... 

a large dragon.

Teeth...

...blood dripping, 

red eyes. 

What do I got?

A lasso. I whip it up.

I wrap it around 

its neck, and I wrestle,

wrestle, wrestle him 

to the ground.

I snap up. I say, 

"Sit, Dragon." 

Dragon sits.

I say "Stay." 

Dragon stays.

Now it's got a leash on it.

I take it for a walk.

And that's where 

we're at with it now.

It stays on command.

Next we're going to teach it 

to roll over and 

play dead.

Love that story.

So, where are you from?

Huh? 

Where are you from?

Lynn, Massachusetts.

Freddie Quell, how do you do?

I'm Val. I'm his son.

Oh, yeah, I see it.

So what kind of Work 

will you be doing?

- Not sure.

Done any Time Hole work?

- Any what?

Any Time Hole work?

I don't think so. I don't know what that is.

I'm sure you're going to love it. - I hope so.

- Nice to meet you and welcome aboard. - Looking forward to it.

- How long have you known him? - Good night!

- About three years. - Good night, good night, good night.

Thank you, thank you for being here.

- Norman... - Three years?

Thank you.

- Good night, Master.

 Good night.(turns to Freddie --)

When can we have some 

more of your potion?

Whenever you like, 

I'll make it.

When I like it, I'll 

give you a signal.

I'll rub my nose 

and scratch my ear.

What will you need?

I'll take care of it.

Good.

Anything you need.

Thank you, good night.

Good night, everyone.

Don't get up. Don't get up.

I love you. I love you, too.

What a day.

We fought against the day 

and we won. We won.

Freddie, feel free 

to sit with us.

Can you invite him over?

Say, come on over.

Can you say hi?

He's... been 

writing all night.

You seem to inspire 

something in him.

Yeah?

Mm.

When we're at 

Home, on land,there's 

too much pulling 

him in each direction.

Every time he sits 

to write, a new attack 

is launched against him, and 

he spends too much time 

defending himself.

Who's attacking him?

People who are scared.

People who 

are greedy.

Ex-wives. Hugs.

That's what's so nice 

about being at sea.

He gets his 

studies done.

Hm.

Advances The Learning. 

He writes Book Two.

Currently codenamed,

euphamistically as either,

Book Two, or 

The Second Book —

Cosmic Edge-Lords

SCULLY :

No exam has been done?

The Sheriff : 

Uh ... No, Ma'am. Once I 

heard y'all was interested 

I figured we'd best leave it to 

The Experts. (Scully smiles broadly) 

Now, uh ... that can't be 

what it looks like, right?

MULDER: 

That depends on what you think 

it looks like, Sheriff Hartwell. 

Vampires have always been with Us, 

in ancient myths and stories 

passed down from early Man. 

(Scully stands behind Mulder, smiling, eyes wide, 

rocks from side to side, goofing around) 

From the Babylonian Ekimu 

to the Chinese Kuang-Shi 

to Motetz Dam of the 

Hebrews, the Mormo 

of ancient Greece and Rome* 

to the more familiar Nosferatu 

of Transylvania.

The Sheriff :

Mormo.* Yeah.

SCULLY: 

In short, Sheriff, no. This can't be what it looks like. 

I think what we're dealing with here is 

simply a case of some lunatic. (She chuckles) 

Who, uh, has watched too many Bela Lugosi movies. 

He wishes that he could transfigure himself

 into a creature of the night.

The Sheriff :

Yeah. Okay. Uh ... what she said, 

that's what I'm thinking, 

and, uh ... Yeah. 

(Scully loves being right)

MULDER: 

Still, that leaves us in something of a quandary 

because there are as many different 

kinds of vampires as there are 

cultures that fear them. 

(Scully yawns and covers her mouth) 

Some don't even subsist on blood. 

The Bulgarian Ubour, for example, 

eats only manure.

SCULLY: (sarcastically) 

Thank you.

MULDER: 

To The Serbs, a prime indicator 

of vampirism is red hair. 

(raises his hand to Scully's head) 

Some vampires are thought 

to be eternal. 

Others are thought to have 

a Life-span of only 40 days. 

(Scully's pointing at her watch, 

rolling her eyes, carrying on.) 

Sunlight kills certain vampires 

while others come and go 

as they please, Day or night.

(Scully sighs deeply from boredom).

SCULLY: 

If There's A Point, Mulder, 

please feel free to come to it.

MULDER: 

My Point is that We Don't know 

exactly what we're looking for. 

What kind of vampire, or if you prefer, 

what kind of vampire this killer 

wishes himself to be.

(Mulder notices the untied shoes on the corpse 

and stands with his head between his feet)

SCENE 19 

TODAY X FILES OFFICE

SCULLY: 

Now, why is it so important 

that his shoes were untied?

MULDER: 

I'm getting to it.

CEMETERY - DAY

MULDER VOICE OVER: 

So, while You stayed behind to do The Autopsy, 

The Sheriff drove me to the town cemetery.

(Hartwell opens the gate and they walk through. 

This cemetery is certainly not off the beaten path, 

the creepier the better)

The Sheriff :

Agent Mulder, you mind me 

asking you why we're out here?

MULDER: 

Historically, cemeteries were thought to be 

a haven for vampires, as are castles, 

catacombs and swamps, 

but unfortunately, you don't 

have any of those.

The Sheriff :

We used to have swamps only 

The EPA made us take to 

calling them ‘wetlands’.

MULDER: 

Yeah. So, we're out here looking 

for any signs of vampiric activity.

The Sheriff :

Which would be like, uh...?

MULDER: 

Broken or shifted tombstones. 

The absence of birds singing.

The Sheriff :

There you go. Cuz I ain't hearing any birds singing. 

Right? Course, it's winter, and We ain't 

got no birds. Is there anything else?

Mulder : 

A faint groaning coming from under the earth. 

The sound of manducation -- of the creature 

eating its own death shroud.

The Sheriff :

Nope. No manuh... ma-ma...

MULDER: 

Manducation.

The Sheriff :

Manducation. No.

MULDER: 

Now, Sheriff, I know my methods 

may seem a little odd to you, but..

The Sheriff :

Hey, look, y'all work for The Federal 

Guv'mint and that's all I need to know. 

I mean, CIA, Secret Service --

-- y'all run the show, so --

MULDER: 

It's just that my gut instinct tells me 

that The Killer will visit this place. 

That it may well hold some fascination -- 

some kind of siren call for him, you know. 

(A horn honks)

RONNIE: 

Howdy, Sheriff.

(The teen delivery boy is in a red car on the street, a Gremlin)

The Sheriff :

Oh, hey, Ronnie. How's it going?

RONNIE: 

Can't complain.

The Sheriff : 

Well, all right, then. 

(Ronnie drives off)

MULDER: 

Maybe after nightfall, Sheriff, 

but he'll come. Oh, he'll come.

(we watch the car drive off down the road)

SCENE 20 

CEMETERY - NIGHT

(Mulder looking around with his flashlight)

MULDER VOICE OVER: 

So, we staked out the cemetery.

SCENE 21 

TODAY X FILES OFFICE

SCULLY: 

Mulder, shoelaces?

MULDER: 

Hmm?

SCULLY: 

On The Corpse. You were going to tell me 

what was Meaningful about 

finding untied shoelaces.

MULDER: 

I'm getting to it.

SCENE 22 

CEMETERY - NIGHT

(Mulder is spreading sunflower seeds around 

the cemetery, he gets into Sheriff's car)

MULDER: 

Sunflower seed? 

(He accidentally drops some) Sorry.

The Sheriff :

No, thanks. Do you mind ... (he picks up a seed that fell 

from Mulder's bag and tosses it) Do you mind 

me asking you what you were ...

MULDER: 

Historically, certain types of seeds 

were thought to fascinate vampires. 

Chiefly oats and millet, but you 

make-do with what you have —

Remember when I said before 

that we didn't know what type of 

vampire we were looking for?

The Sheriff : 

Yeah.

MULDER: 

Well, oddly enough, there seems 

to be one obscure fact which 

in all the stories told 

by the different cultures 

is exactly the same, and that's 

that vampires are really, 

really obsessive-compulsive. 

Yeah, you toss a handful of seeds 

at one, no matter what he's doing 

he's got to stop and pick it up. 

If he sees a knotted rope, 

he's got to untie it. 

It's in His Nature. 

In fact, that's why,

I'm guessing that our victim's 

shoelaces were untied.

The Sheriff : 

Yeah, obsessive... Like Rain Man. (Mulder nods) 

It's like when that old boy dropped them matchsticks, 

he had to pick them all up. 

Same thing, right?

MULDER: 

Well, he didn't actually 

pick them up. 

He counted them.

The Sheriff : 

Oh, yeah. 247. 

Right off the top of your head.

MULDER: 

Well, if he had picked them up,

he would have been 

The Sheriff :

Yeah. I'll tell you what. 

I know I'm in Law-enforcement, 

but I'd like to take him 

to Vegas myself. 

Am I right?

MULDER: 

Well, that would be illegal, right?

The Sheriff :

He's like a little calculator.

MULDER: 

Yeah.

EndNotes :

* : “Mormu. Yeah.” Is The Sherrif answering The Question implicit in Mulder’s colloray, qualifying his response to The Sherriff own initial Question…? 

This Line of Enquiry, more fully-explored by way 

of being Gamed-out via Free-Play would, 

therefore, run as follows :

The Chamber of Marvels

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Woman of The House :

Ohh. When did you get in?

I didn't hear you.

SHE GROANS

Woman of The House :

Close the curtains, would you, love?

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

SHE GASPS

Woman of The House :

Who are you?

DRACULA :

Er...S-sorry. 

I didn't mean to disturb you.

Woman of The House :

What are you doing here?

Who are you? 

DRACULA :

Um...

Woman of The House :

Are you a friend of Bob's?

Oh, God, did you have to 

bring him home? Sorry.

DRACULA :

He invited me in.

Woman of The House :

SHE SIGHS

What's the state of him?

DRACULA :

He's downstairs.

Woman of The House :

Drunk?

DRACULA :

Well, that's certainly

one way of putting it.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Woman of The House :

What the bloody hell is going on?

DRACULA :

Shh...

Woman of The House :

Bob? Where's Bob?

Wh...?

What have you done to me fridge?

DRACULA :

Is the fridge the white box?

Woman of The House :

Yeah.

DRACULA :

Bob's in the fridge.

Took a bit of...of folding.

HE SIGHS

Look at her.

HE CHUCKLES

So, so beautiful.

HE SIGHS

HE CHUCKLES

SHE GASPS

Woman of The House :

He's alive.

DRACULA :

Oh, please, you mustn't worry.

He definitely isn't.

Just a bit restless.

HELICOPTER BUZZES OVERHEAD

Van Helsing :

Welcome to England, 

Count Dracula.

What kept you?

Are you hungry?

DRACULA :

Agatha!

Van Helsing :

No...

DRACULA :

How long?

Van Helsing :

Do you need to feed now?

DRACULA :

How long was I in the water?

Van Helsing :

123 years.

DRACULA :

HE LAUGHS

Is that all?

Van Helsing :

I'm sorry?

DRACULA :

HE LAUGHS

Ah! You've been busy.

I like the flying thing.

What about this one over here?

Does that fly, too?

Van Helsing :

No, that doesn't fly.

OK, I think we've got this.

You can head back.

PILOT ON RADIO: 

Roger that.

DRACULA :

You're not her, are you?

But it's the same bloodline.

Unmistakable.

HE SIGHS

May I see that?

Van Helsing :

Stand your ground, soldier!

It's not a weapon.

DRACULA :

No, of course not.

It's a camera. May I see it?

Van Helsing :

Give it to him.

Yep.

DRACULA :

Boo!

Van Helsing :

How did you recognise it?

Can't look like any camera

you've ever seen.

DRACULA :

I've been around since 

the 15th century.

Things Change.

You get used to it.

HE LAUGHS

You do seem to be 

accelerating, though.

Very good.

Smile.

HE SIGHS

Please.I'm sure you have a very 

pretty smile. May I see it?

Want to do it together?

Hmm?

Yeah?

Ah. Smile.

There. Smile.

Drop your weapon! 

Drop yours!

Drop it! 

DRACULA :

Drop yours!

Now, please, have mercy and smile.

I've been sleeping underwater

for more than a century.

There are many advantages

to being a vampire,

but it does make it hard

to be a morning person.

There. That's better.

You see? I'm not so bad after all.

Man down! 

DRACULA :

Smile.

Drop that weapon! 

Van Helsing :

Don't shoot him!

Do not shoot him!

I said drop it! 

DRACULA :

Smile.

Drop it now! 

DRACULA :

No. I can hear your pulse.

HE CHUCKLES

It's very lively now.

HE CHUCKLES

Van Helsing.

HE SIGHS

Descendent, I assume?

Van Helsing :

Sister Agatha Van Helsing

was my great-great-aunt

on my father's side.

DRACULA :

I really liked her.

Van Helsing :

By my understanding,

you killed her.

DRACULA :

Killing is Healthy Competition.

Mercy is Disrespect.

Oh! Oh!

SOLDIER: 

Go, go! Follow your orders!

DRACULA :

FLICKS LIGHT SWITCH

I like the noise it makes.

That's a nice touch.

SHE WHIMPERS

DRACULA :

Listen...he's really not 

worth your Sympathy.

He enjoyed hitting you, 

you know.

I've acquired some of 

your husband's memories.

I think you would say that 

I've downloaded them.

Woman of The House :

How?

DRACULA :

Orally. May I?

FRIDGE RATTLES

SLICING

SHE GASPS —

SQUIRTING

DRACULA :

Kathleen, isn't it?

WATER RUNS

Woman of The House :

Yeah.

DRACULA :

What's wrong with 

Your Servants, Kathleen?

Is it their day off?

I'm assuming you have Staff.

You're clearly very wealthy.

Woman of The House :

Wealthy?

DRACULA :

HE LAUGHS

Yes! Well, look at all this stuff.

All this food.

The moving picture box.

Um, and that thing outside.

Bob calls it, um... a car.

Is that yours? 

Woman of The House :

Yeah.

DRACULA :

And this... Treasure-Trove 

is Your House.

Woman of The House :

It's a dump.

DRACULA :

It's amazing.

Kathleen, I've been a 

nobleman for 400 years.

I've lived in castles and palaces among 

the richest people of any age.

Never, never have I stood 

in greater luxury than 

surrounds me now.

This is a Chamber 

of Marvels!

There isn't a King or Queen or Emperor that I have ever known, or eaten, who would step into this room and ever agree to leave it again.

I knew The Future 

would bring Wonders.

I did NOT know it would make them ordinary.

Woman of The House :

400 years?

DRACULA :

Oh, sorry. Uh, 500, actually.

I slept in. 

Woman of The House :

Who are you?

DRACULA :

I'm a vampire.

No, no, don't be silly, Kathleen.

You know it's True.

People always know.

Trust the hairs on the back of your neck.

I'm The Reason you have them.

Now...There usually are questions.

Woman of The House :

Um...

Do you have a reflection?

DRACULA :

I'm sorry? 

Woman of The House :

In The Mirror.

They don't have reflections in the films, vampires.

DRACULA :

Do I look like someone who can't 

see himself in the mirror? Hmm?

Woman of The House :

Er...

DRACULA :

Most of the vampire legends 

are wrong...or misunderstood.

But mirrors...

I don't see any less in a mirror 

than you do.

I see more.

Ah!

MUSIC: 

Intro to Beethoven's 5th Symphony

Ah, no!

HE LAUGHS

Do you have an orchestra?

PHONE BEEPS

Hello?

Oh.

HE BURPS

Telephone. 

Thank you, Bob.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

BANGING AND SCRAPING

Who else is up there?

FOOTSTEPS

Argh!

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Van Helsing :

Get in The Box.

Funny little things like tiny toadstools are sometimes 

to be found on dead board or on decaying leaves. 

These little growths are called Mixys. Part of their life they are vegetables 

and part of their life they are animals and probably 

they will be minerals too if they could.

As you see them now they are vegetable — each tiny toadstool 

becomes covered with little cells and these are blown away by the wind.

If they fall into water they turn into animals — 

tiny water creatures with a little tail to help them swim about.

To get some idea of how tiny they are, look at this picture : 

the thing like a bargepole in the front is a human hair and yet 

even at this magnification, the mixys are those tiny specks 

moving about in the background almost too small to see.

 The only things tiny enough for the mixys to eat are bacteria, 

and as these are usually found near decaying meat.

 The mixys gather round any floating rubbish. 

While it is in this form each mixy has the power of splitting in half 

and becoming true mixes and at this rate they mounted by rapidly suddenly the mixer draws in its tail and changes into quite a different form it is still an animal but has no fixed shape and eats by surrounding its food it continues to like bacteria but now however it does not take the meat but ends a drop of water as an aid to digestion the mixers now begin to join together first into pairs and then into parties only pairs are eligible for joining a group Sarah if a mixie has been so bad-tempered that it has failed to find a partner it is not allowed to become one of the party but is eaten up this is a far greater encouragement to matrimony than any texts are bachelors when the party of the mixes is large enough it decides to leave the water and adventure onto dry land the mixer now turns back from being an animal into being a plan together it is a most peculiar creature for his body has absolutely no support such as skin or burns it is quite fluid and the shape is always changing as it flows along in the moving shape however our channels whose contents flow forwards stop and then flow backwards to see this movement follow the course of one black speck this couple in the middle are a good example this a being and flowing cause the mixer to advance like the sea in waves when two mixes meet they immediately join forces and flow away together the mixi has now eyes yet it can detect light which it dislikes for it withdraws immediately in the same way the mixer has no sense of smell yet it can find out it's food usually an decaying leaf or piece of wood for the mixes are first-class scavengers notice how it Quivers with delight over a good meal one branch of the mixi family dines exclusively on dirt stores when for an experiment adapt of arsenic was put in front of a mixer it failed to detect the poison flowed right over it and was obviously taken very ill on the other hand another mixer faced with the drop of epsom salts immediately retreated leaving behind in its hair a lot of good food that it had already swallowed mix is like moisture and in summer when there is none to be had they dry up into a hard brittle mess which is dark in color they can remain in the state of suspended life for years if necessary but usually in the autumn rains they come to life again more full of vitality than ever the goal of winter has no fears for them they may be frozen solid for weeks but at the first four they are active and alive again naturally they are now very hungry and the ravenous group of mixes on the right balanced its way over a single thread of cobweb to get at the delicious mushroom on the left suddenly the group of mixes begins at our dining hillocks which proved to be supported on stems and which are like tiny toadstools these are the fruit of the mixes as they ripen they grow darker soon they are covered with tiny cells some mixes trust the wind to scatter these cells abroad but others have a kind of spring in the stock which Chuck's the ripe cells far and wired many of these cells will die but many live as vegetables and animals to make again some of nature's loveliest atoms the magic mixes