Showing posts with label WWII. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WWII. Show all posts

Tuesday 19 October 2021

Too Much Effort





Baldrick
Permission to ask a question, sir…

Edmund
Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn’t 
the one about where babies come from.

Baldrick
No, the thing is : 
The way I see it, these days 
there’s a war on, right? 
and, ages ago, there 
wasn’t a war on, right? 
So, there must have been a moment when 
There Not being A War on 
went away, right? And 
There being A War on came along.
 
So, what I want to know is :
How did we get from the 
one case of affairs 
to the other case of affairs?
 
Edmund
Do you mean,
“How Did The War start?”
 
Baldrick: 
Yeah.

George:
 
!!!…The War started 
Because of The Vile Hun and 
His villainous Empire-building.
 
Edmund
George, The British Empire at present 
covers A Quarter of The Globe,
while The German Empire consists 
of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. 
 
I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of Blame
on The Imperialistic front.
 
George: 
Oh, no, sir, absolutely not
(aside, to Baldick)
Mad as a bicycle!
 
Baldrick: 
I heard that it started when 
A Bloke called Archie Duke 
shot an ostrich ’cause he was hungry.
 
Edmund: 
I think you mean it started when 
The Archduke of Austro-Hungary 
got shot.
 
Baldrick: 
Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
 
Edmund: 
Well, possibly

But The Real Reason 
for the whole thing was that 

It was just Too Much Effort 
not to Have a War.
 
George: 
By Gum, this is interesting; 
I always loved History — 
The Battle of Hastings, 
Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Edmund: 
You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, 
 Two Superblocs Developed
Us, The French and The Russians 
on One Side, 
and The Germans and Austro-Hungary 
on The Other. 

The idea was to have 
Two Vast Opposing Armies, 
each acting as 
The Other’s deterrent. 

That Way, 
There could never be A War.

Baldrick: 
..but this is a sort of A War, 
isn’t it, sir?

Edmund: 
Yes, that’s right. 
You see, there was 
A Tiny Flaw in The Plan.

George: 
What was that, sir?
 
Edmund: 
It was BOLLOCKS.
 
 
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
 You opposed me in The Council, 
this morning, Thomas. 
 
Yes, Your Grace. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
….you were the only one.
 
Yes, Your Grace. 
 
You're A Fool
 
I Thank God there is only one fool on The Council. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Why did you oppose me
 
I thought Your Grace was wrong.
 
Carninal Woolsey :
A matter of Conscience. 
You're a constant regret 
to me, Thomas. 

If you could just see facts flat on,
without that horrible moral squint

With a little Common Sense
you could have made A Statesman
 
The King. Where's he been? 
Do you know
 
I, Your Grace? 
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
Oh, spare me your discretion



He's been to play in the muck again. 
He's been to Mistress Anne Boleyn. 

Moore — Are You Going to Help Me
 
If Your Grace will be specific —
 
Carninal Woolsey :
You're a plodder
All right, we'll plod
The King wants A Son
What are you going to do about it? 
 
I'm very sure The King needs no advice from me 
on what to do about it. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Thomas, We're alone
I give you My Word
there's no one here
 
I didn't suppose 
there was, Your Grace. 
 

( He’s genuinely surprised and taken aback — because, of course, the study door has been deliberate left a few inches ajar by Cromwell on his way out, having granted Moore admittance, before retiring to beyond a margin of a discreet and plausibly deniable Safe Distance further down the cavernous, echoing Oak-Panelled corridors of Hampton Court.  )

Carninal Woolsey :

Oh. 
Do you favour a change of Dynasty, Sir Thomas? 
Do you think two Tudors are sufficient? 
 
For God's sake, Your Grace! 

 Carninal Woolsey :
Then He Needs A Son. 
I repeat, What are You 
Going to Do About it? 
 
I pray for it daily. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
God's Death, he means it…..!

That Thing Out There.... 
at least she's fertile
 
But She's not His Wife.
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
No, Katherine's His Wife
and she's barren as a brick. 
Are you going to pray for a miracle
 
There are precedents. 
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
All right. Good. Pray by all means. 

But in addition to prayer, 
there is Effort

And My Effort is to secure 
A Divorce. 

Have I Your Support, 
or Have I Not
 
The Pope gave a dispensation
so that The King might marry 
His Brother's Widow, 
for State Reasons. 

We are to ask The Pope 
to dispense with His Dispensation, 
also for State Reasons? 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
I don't like plodding, Thomas. Well? 
 
Then, clearly all we have to do 
is to approach His Holiness 
and ask him. 

 Carninal Woolsey :
I think we might influence the 
decision of His Holiness. 

By argument

Carninal Woolsey :
Argument, certainly
And…. pressure
 
Pressure —applied to The Church? 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
The Church and, Church Property.  
Pressure


 …..
No, Your Grace -- 
I'm not going to help you. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Then goodnight, Master Moore. 

Let The Dynasty die with Henry VIII 
and we'll have dynastic wars again—
Blood-witted barons 
ramping The Country 
from end to end. 
Is that what you want
 
Very well. England needs An Heir. 
Certain…. measures
perhaps regrettable... 
perhaps not….as much in 
a Church which needs Reformation, Thomas. 
 
All right, regrettable
But necessary to get us An Heir. 
Now, explain how you, 
as A Councillor of England
can obstruct these measures….
For The Sake of Your Own 
Private Conscience. 
 
I think, that when 
Statesmen forsake their 
Own Private Conscience 
for The Sake of their Public Duties,
They lead Their Country 
by a short route — to Chaos
 
And we shall have 
My Prayers to fall back on.
 
Carninal Woolsey :
You'd like that, wouldn't you? 
To govern The Country with prayers? 
 
 
Yes, I should. 
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
I'd like to be there when you try.

Who will wear this after me? 
Who's our next Chancellor? 
You? Fisher? Suffolk? 
 
Fisher, for Me. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Aye, but for The King
What about My Secretary, Master Cromwell? 
 
Cromwell…. He's a very able Man
 
Carninal Woolsey :
But? 
 
Me, rather than Cromwell. 
 
 Carninal Woolsey :
Then, come down to Earth
Until you do... 
...You and I are enemies
 
As Your Grace wishes
 
Carninal Woolsey :
As God Wills
 
Perhaps, Your Grace. 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Moore…
You should have been A Cleric
 
Like yourself, Your Grace? 
 
Carninal Woolsey :
Goodnight, Sir Thomas.

Wednesday 26 March 2014

Lucille Ball's Mind Control Fillings


As Lucy tells the story, the events took place in 1942, when she was filming Du Barry Was a Lady with Red Skelton at MGM, during the early days of American involvement in World War II, when residents along the Pacific coast of California lived in dread fear of an imminent attack by the Japanese (especially after a Japanese submarine appeared off the coast of Santa Barbara on February 23). 

Lucy had recently had several temporary lead fillings installed in her teeth, and when she drove home from MGM to the ranch she and Desi owned in the San Fernando Valley late one evening, this is what she reported:

"One night I came into the Valley over Coldwater Canyon, and I heard music. I reached down to turn the radio off, and it wasn't on. The music kept getting louder and louder, and then I realized it was coming from my mouth. I even recognized the tune. My mouth was humming and thumping with the drumbeat, and I thought I was losing my mind. I thought, What the hell is this? Then it started to subside. I got home and went to bed, not sure if I should tell anybody what had happened because they would think I was crazy."

When she supposedly recounted the story to actor Buster Keaton at the studio the next day, he laughingly told her that she was picking up radio broadcasts through her fillings, and that the same thing had happened to a friend of his. Nothing more happened for about a week, until the evening Lucy took a different route home from MGM:


"All of a sudden, my mouth started jumping. It wasn't music this time, it was Morse code. It started softly, and then de-de-de-de-de-de. As soon as it started fading, I stopped the car and then started backing up until it was coming in full strength. DE-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE DE-DE-DE-DE! I tell you, I got the hell out of there real quick. The next day I told the MGM Security Office about it, and they called the FBI or something, and sure enough, they found an underground Japanese radio station. It was somebody's gardener, but sure enough, they were spies."