Too Much Effort

Baldrick: 

Permission to ask 

a Question, sir…

Edmund: 

Permission granted, Baldrick, 

as long as isn’t the one about 

where babies come from.

Baldrick: 

No, The Thing is : 

The way I see it, these days 

There’s a War on, right? 

and, ages ago, there 

wasn’t A War on, right? 

So, there must have 

been a moment when 

There Not being A War on 

went away, right? And 

There being A War 

on came along.

 

So, what I want to know is :

How did we get from the 

one case of affairs to 

the other case of affairs?

 

Edmund: 

.......Do you mean,“How Did 

The War start?”

 

Baldrick: 

Yeah.

George: 

!!!…The War started 

Because of The Vile Hun 

and His villainous 

Empire-building.

 

Edmund: 

George, The British Empire at present 

covers A Quarter of The Globe,

while The German Empire consists 

of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. 

 

I hardly think that we can 

be entirely absolved of Blame

on The Imperialistic front.

 

George: 

Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. 

(aside, to Baldick)

Mad as a bicycle!

 

Baldrick: 

I heard that it started when 

A Bloke called Archie Duke 

shot an ostrich ’cause 

he was 'ungry.

 

Edmund: 

I think you mean it started when 

The Archduke of 

Austro-Hungary 

got shot.

 

Baldrick: 

Nah, there was definitely 

an ostrich involved, sir.

 

Edmund: 

Well, possibly. 

But The Real Reason 

for the whole thing was that 

It was just Too Much Effort 

not to Have a War.

 

George: 

By Gum, this is interesting; 

I always loved History — 

The Battle of Hastings, 

Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Edmund: 

You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, 

 Two Superblocs Developed : 

Us, The French and The Russians 

on One Side, 

and The Germans and Austro-Hungary 

on The Other. 

The idea was to have 

Two Vast Opposing Armies, 

each acting as 

The Other’s deterrent. 

That Way, 

There could never be A War.

Baldrick: 

..but this is a sort of A War, 

isn’t it, sir?

Edmund: 

Yes, that’s right. 

You see, there was 

A Tiny Flaw in The Plan.

George: 

What was that, sir?

 

Edmund: 

It was BOLLOCKS.

 

 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

 You opposed me in The Council, 

this morning, Thomas. 

 

Yes, Your Grace. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

….you were the only one.

 

Yes, Your Grace. 

 

You're A Fool. 

 

I Thank God there is only one fool on The Council. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Why did you oppose me? 

 

I thought Your Grace was wrong.

 

Carninal Woolsey :

A matter of Conscience. 

You're a constant regret 

to me, Thomas. 

If you could just see facts flat on,

without that horrible moral squint. 

With a little Common Sense, 

you could have made A Statesman. 

 

The King. Where's he been? 

Do you know? 

 

I, Your Grace? 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Oh, spare me your discretion. 

He's been to play in the muck again. 

He's been to Mistress Anne Boleyn. 

Moore — 

Are You Going 

to Help Me? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

If Your Grace will 

be specific — ?

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Oh, You're a plodder...! 

All right, we'll plod :

The King wants A Son --

What are you going 

to Do about it? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

I'm very sure The King 

needs no advice from me 

on what to Do about it. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Thomas, We're alone. 

I give you My Word, 

there's no one here. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

I didn't suppose 

there was, Your Grace. 

 

( He’s genuinely surprised and taken aback — because, of course, the study door has been deliberate left a few inches ajar by Cromwell on his way out, having granted Moore admittance, before retiring to beyond a margin of a discreet and plausibly deniable Safe Distance further down the cavernous, echoing Oak-Panelled corridors of Hampton Court.  )

Carninal Woolsey :

Oh. 

Do you favour a change of Dynasty, Sir Thomas? 

Do you think two Tudors are sufficient? 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

For God's sake, Your Grace! 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Then He Needs A Son. 

I repeat, What are You 

Going to Do About it? 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

I pray for it daily. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

God's Death, he 

means it…..!

That Thing Out There.... 

at least she's fertile. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

But She's not His Wife.

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

No, Katherine's His Wife

and she's barren as a brick. 

Are you going to pray for a miracle? 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

There are precedents. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

All right. Good. Pray by all means. 

But in addition to prayer, 

there is Effort. 

And My Effort 

is to secure 

A Divorce. 

Have I Your Support, 

or Have I Not? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

....The Pope gave a dispensation, 

so that The King might marry 

His Brother's Widow, 

for State Reasons. 

We are to ask The Pope 

to dispense with His Dispensation, 

also for State Reasons? 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

I don't like plodding, Thomas. Well? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

Then, clearly all we have to do 

is to approach His Holiness 

and ask him. 

 Carninal Woolsey :

I think we might influence the 

decision of His Holiness. 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

By argument? 

Carninal Woolsey :

Argument, certainly. 

And…. pressure. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

Pressure —applied 

to The Church? 

The Church and, 

Church Property.  

Pressure. 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

 …..

No, Your Grace -- 

I'm not going to help you. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Then goodnight, Master Moore. 

Let The Dynasty die with Henry VIII 

and we'll have dynastic wars again—

Blood-witted barons 

ramping The Country 

from end to end. 

Is that what you want? 

 

Very well. England needs An Heir. 

Certain…. measures, 

perhaps regrettable... 

perhaps not….as much in 

a Church which needs 

Reformation, Thomas. 

 

....All right, regrettable. 

But necessary to get us An Heir. 

Now, explain how you, 

as A Councillor of England, 

can obstruct these measures….

For The Sake of Your Own 

Private Conscience. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

I think, that when 

Statesmen forsake their 

Own Private Conscience 

for The Sake of their Public Duties,

They lead Their Country 

by a short route — to Chaos. 

 

And we shall have 

My Prayers to fall back on.

 

Carninal Woolsey :

You'd like that, wouldn't you? 

To govern The Country with prayers? 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

Yes, I should. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

I'd like to be there when you try.

Who will wear this after me? 

Who's our next Chancellor? 

You? Fisher? Suffolk? 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

Fisher, for Me. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Aye, but for The King? 

What about My Secretary, 

Master Cromwell? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

Cromwell…. He's a 

very able Man. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

But? 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 : 

Me, rather than Cromwell. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Then, come down to Earth. 

Until you do... 

...You and I are enemies. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

As Your Grace wishes. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

As God Wills. 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

Perhaps, Your Grace. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Moore…

You should have been A Cleric! 

 

 Sir Thomas Moore, 004 :

Like yourself, Your Grace? 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Goodnight, Sir Thomas.

Accession : Ralph I

PLENTY O'TOOLE :

Just a few quick questions...to probe your knowledge of English history.

RALPH I:

Fine.

PLENTY O'TOOLE :

When she failedto give him a son, Henry Vlll had Anne Boleyn...

RALPH I :

Look into adoption?

RALPH I :
What is it that a king does all day?

PLENTY O'TOOLE :
Scarcely a minute of your day is unaccounted for
.
Nevertheless, what you do is not as important...as what you are.

RALPH I :
What am I?

PLENTY O'TOOLE :
To be the King of England...is a responsibility like no other on Earth.

You must become a symbol...of all that is best about England.

An embodiment of our history, our culture, our morality, our pride of achievement.

In short, our Ideal of Civilization.

You must, in the harsh light of public scrutiny, exhibit all of our virtues and none of our shortcomings.

RALPH I :
I thought all I was supposed to do... was dress up and wave.
I don't even know what our virtues are.

PLENTY O'TOOLE :
You will learn soon enough.

I'm afraid it's a god's burden to bear.

Unfortunately, it must be borne by a Man.

Read more: 

King Ralph Script

It is a MINOR Work.

 TRANSLATION : 

"This isn't Real, This is a Fake, It's Inferior, This is Bowlderised, Bastardised and Diluted, This is a Minor Work of No Importance, Don't Waste Your Time with This One, I Wouldn't Bother, Not Worth the Trouble, Seriously Don't Read This, Nothing to See Here, Move Along Home Now, Move Along, Nothing to See Here, It's  Disappointing, Embarassing, Confusing and its a Failure."

This one appears to be about Raleigh, 

Bess Hardwicke (Tudor), and 

the Red-Headed Princeling;

As well as Henry VIII, his wives and daughters, both 

Recognised and Unrecognised, 

Legitimate and Illegitimate, 

Figures at the Court of Elizabeth I and  

Hidden Aristocratic Changelings 

Placed into Families Amongst 

the Great Noble Houses of England :

A Who's Who Cast of Characters of 

the Shakespearean Histories :

The Grays

The Stanleys

The Boleyns

The Seymours

The Spencers

The Wroisolys

and now The Cecils

and of course

The De Veres

Great King,
Few love to hear the sins they love to act;
'Twould braid yourself too near for me to tell it.
Who has a book of all that monarchs do,
He's more secure to keep it shut than shown:
For vice repeated is like the wandering wind.
Blows dust in other's eyes, to spread itself;
And yet the end of all is bought thus dear,
The breath is gone, and the sore eyes see clear:
To stop the air would hurt them. The blind mole casts
Copp'd hills towards heaven, to tell the earth is throng'd
By man's oppression; and the poor worm doth die for't.
Kings are earth's gods; in vice their law's
their will;
And if Jove stray, who dares say Jove doth ill?
It is enough you know; and it is fit,
What being more known grows worse, to smother it.
All love the womb that their first being bred,
Then give my tongue like leave to love my head.

"The King of England is a Venetian Doge"

- Benjamin Disreali

Conningsby

Machiavelli wrote that the Venetians had “fixed in their souls the intention of creating a monarchy on the Roman model.” This is corroborated by a dispatch of the ambassador of Louis XII of France at the court of the Emperor Maximilian I some years later, which described the Venetians as:

“traders in human blood, traitors to the Christian faith who have tacitly divided up the world with the Turks, and who are already planning to throw bridgeheads across the Danube, the Rhine, the Seine, and Tagus, and the Ebro, attempting to reduce Europe to a province and to keep it subjugated to their armies.”

These megalomaniac plans of the Venetians were no secret. In 1423, the Doge Tommaso Mocenigo had urged upon his fellow oligarchs a policy of expansionism which would make them the overlords “of all the Gold and of Christendom.”

The most penetrating indictments of the Venetians during this period were issued by Pope Pius II Piccolomino, who tried in vain to force Venice into joining a crusade against the Turks. A Venetian saying of this period was Prima son Vinizian, poi son Cristian. (I am a Venetian first, then a Christian.”) 

In his Commentaries, Pope Pius II excoriates the Venetians for their duplicitous treachery, and establishes the fact that they are a pagan, totalitarian state. The Venetians, he says, have acted in their diplomacy:

“with the good faith characteristics of barbarians, or after the manner of traders whose nature it is to weigh everything by utility, paying no attention to honor. 

But what do fish care about Law? 

As among the brute beasts aquatic creatures have the least intelligence, so among human beings the Venetians are the least just and the least capable of humanity, and naturally so, for they live on the sea and pass their lives in the water; they use ships instead of horses; they are not so much companions of men as of fish and comrades of marine monsters. 

They please only themselves, and while they talk they listen to and admire themselves…. 

They are hypocrites. They wish to appear as Christians before the world, but in reality they never think of God and, except for the state, which they regard as a deity, they hold nothing sacred, nothing holy. 

To a Venetian, that is just which is for the good of The State; that is pious which increases The Empire…. What The Senate approves is holy even though it is opposed to the gospel…. 

They are allowed to do anything that will bring them to supreme Power. 

All Law and Right may be violated for the sake of Power.”

During many of these years Venetians were in a tacit alliance with the Turks. When, for example, a revolt against Venetian rule in Albania was started, threatening the Venetian naval base at Durazzo, the Venetians made a deal with the Turks to crush the revolt. On one occasion Pius II received the Venetian ambassador to the Roman court and condemned Venetian policy with these words:

“Your cause is one with thieves and robbers…. No power was ever greater than the Roman empire and yet God overthrew it because it was impious, and He put in its place the priesthood because it respected divine law…. 

You think [your] republic will last forever. It will not last long. Your population so wickedly gathered together will soon be scattered abroad. 

The offscourings of fishermen will be exterminated. 

A mad state cannot long stand.”

SCENE I. Pentapolis. An open place by the sea-side.

Enter PERICLES, wet

PERICLES

Yet cease your ire, you angry stars of heaven!

Wind, rain, and thunder, remember, earthly man

Is but a substance that must yield to you;

And I, as fits my nature, do obey you:

Alas, the sea hath cast me on the rocks,

Wash'd me from shore to shore, and left me breath

Nothing to think on but ensuing death:

Let it suffice the greatness of your powers

To have bereft a prince of all his fortunes;

And having thrown him from your watery grave,

Here to have death in peace is all he'll crave.

Enter three FISHERMEN

First Fisherman

What, ho, Pilch!

Second Fisherman

Ha, come and bring away the nets!

First Fisherman

What, Patch-breech, I say!

Third Fisherman

What say you, master?

First Fisherman

Look how thou stirrest now! come away, or I'll

fetch thee with a wanion.

Third Fisherman

Faith, master, I am thinking of the poor men that

were cast away before us even now.

First Fisherman

Alas, poor souls, it grieved my heart to hear what

pitiful cries they made to us to help them, when,

well-a-day, we could scarce help ourselves.

Third Fisherman

Nay, master, said not I as much when I saw the

porpus how he bounced and tumbled? They say

they're half fish, half flesh: a plague on them,

they ne'er come but I look to be washed. Master, I

marvel how the fishes live in the sea.

First Fisherman

Why, as men do a-land; the great ones eat up the

little ones: I can compare our rich misers to

nothing so fitly as to a whale; a' plays and

tumbles, driving the poor fry before him, and at

last devours them all at a mouthful: such whales

have I heard on o' the land, who never leave gaping

till they've swallowed the whole parish, church,

steeple, bells, and all.

PERICLES

[Aside] A pretty moral.

Third Fisherman

But, master, if I had been the sexton, I would have

been that day in the belfry.

Second Fisherman

Why, man?

Third Fisherman

Because he should have swallowed me too: and when I

had been in his belly, I would have kept such a

jangling of the bells, that he should never have

left, till he cast bells, steeple, church, and

parish up again. But if the good King Simonides

were of my mind,--

PERICLES

[Aside] Simonides!

Third Fisherman

We would purge the land of these drones, that rob

the bee of her honey.

PERICLES

[Aside] How from the finny subject of the sea

These fishers tell the infirmities of men;

And from their watery empire recollect

All that may men approve or men detect!

Peace be at your labour, honest fishermen.

Second Fisherman

Honest! good fellow, what's that? If it be a day

fits you, search out of the calendar, and nobody

look after it.

PERICLES

May see the sea hath cast upon your coast.

Second Fisherman

What a drunken knave was the sea to cast thee in our

way!

PERICLES

A man whom both the waters and the wind,

In that vast tennis-court, have made the ball

For them to play upon, entreats you pity him:

He asks of you, that never used to beg.

First Fisherman

No, friend, cannot you beg? Here's them in our

country Greece gets more with begging than we can do

with working.

Second Fisherman

Canst thou catch any fishes, then?

PERICLES

I never practised it.

Second Fisherman

Nay, then thou wilt starve, sure; for here's nothing

to be got now-a-days, unless thou canst fish for't.

PERICLES

What I have been I have forgot to know;

But what I am, want teaches me to think on:

A man throng'd up with cold: my veins are chill,

And have no more of life than may suffice

To give my tongue that heat to ask your help;

Which if you shall refuse, when I am dead,

For that I am a man, pray see me buried.

First Fisherman

Die quoth-a? Now gods forbid! I have a gown here;

come, put it on; keep thee warm. Now, afore me, a

handsome fellow! Come, thou shalt go home, and

we'll have flesh for holidays, fish for

fasting-days, and moreo'er puddings and flap-jacks,

and thou shalt be welcome.

PERICLES

I thank you, sir.

Second Fisherman

Hark you, my friend; you said you could not beg.

PERICLES

I did but crave.

Second Fisherman

But crave! Then I'll turn craver too, and so I

shall 'scape whipping.

PERICLES

Why, are all your beggars whipped, then?

Second Fisherman

O, not all, my friend, not all; for if all your

beggars were whipped, I would wish no better office

than to be beadle. But, master, I'll go draw up the

net.

Exit with Third Fisherman

PERICLES

[Aside] How well this honest mirth becomes their labour!

First Fisherman

Hark you, sir, do you know where ye are?

PERICLES

Not well.

First Fisherman

Why, I'll tell you: this is called Pentapolis, and

our king the good Simonides.

PERICLES

The good King Simonides, do you call him.

First Fisherman

Ay, sir; and he deserves so to be called for his

peaceable reign and good government.

PERICLES

He is a happy king, since he gains from his subjects

the name of good by his government. How far is his

court distant from this shore?

First Fisherman

Marry, sir, half a day's journey: and I'll tell

you, he hath a fair daughter, and to-morrow is her

birth-day; and there are princes and knights come

from all parts of the world to just and tourney for her love.

PERICLES

Were my fortunes equal to my desires, I could wish

to make one there.

First Fisherman

O, sir, things must be as they may; and what a man

cannot get, he may lawfully deal for--his wife's soul.

Re-enter Second and Third Fishermen, drawing up a net

Second Fisherman

Help, master, help! here's a fish hangs in the net,

like a poor man's right in the law; 'twill hardly

come out. Ha! bots on't, 'tis come at last, and

'tis turned to a rusty armour.

PERICLES

An armour, friends! I pray you, let me see it.

Thanks, fortune, yet, that, after all my crosses,

Thou givest me somewhat to repair myself;

And though it was mine own, part of my heritage,

Which my dead father did bequeath to me.

With this strict charge, even as he left his life,

'Keep it, my Pericles; it hath been a shield

Twixt me and death;'--and pointed to this brace;--

'For that it saved me, keep it; in like necessity--

The which the gods protect thee from!--may

defend thee.'

It kept where I kept, I so dearly loved it;

Till the rough seas, that spare not any man,

Took it in rage, though calm'd have given't again:

I thank thee for't: my shipwreck now's no ill,

Since I have here my father's gift in's will.

First Fisherman

What mean you, sir?

PERICLES

To beg of you, kind friends, this coat of worth,

For it was sometime target to a king;

I know it by this mark. He loved me dearly,

And for his sake I wish the having of it;

And that you'ld guide me to your sovereign's court,

Where with it I may appear a gentleman;

And if that ever my low fortune's better,

I'll pay your bounties; till then rest your debtor.

First Fisherman

Why, wilt thou tourney for the lady?

PERICLES

I'll show the virtue I have borne in arms.

First Fisherman

Why, do 'e take it, and the gods give thee good on't!

Second Fisherman

Ay, but hark you, my friend; 'twas we that made up

this garment through the rough seams of the waters:

there are certain condolements, certain vails. I

hope, sir, if you thrive, you'll remember from

whence you had it.

PERICLES

Believe 't, I will.

By your furtherance I am clothed in steel;

And, spite of all the rapture of the sea,

This jewel holds his building on my arm:

Unto thy value I will mount myself

Upon a courser, whose delightful steps

Shall make the gazer joy to see him tread.

Only, my friend, I yet am unprovided

Of a pair of bases.

Second Fisherman

We'll sure provide: thou shalt have my best gown to

make thee a pair; and I'll bring thee to the court myself.

PERICLES

Then honour be but a goal to my will,

This day I'll rise, or else add ill to ill.

Exeunt