The Cosmology of The Police Constable

 

Why didn't you say anything?

 

Believe me, I tried.

But Keaton wouldn't have it.

It was too far-fetched for him.

Keaton was a grounded guy, an ex-cop.

 

To a cop, The Explanation is never that complicated. 

It's always simple.

 

“There's no mystery to The Street, no arch-criminal behind it all —

If you got a dead body

and you think his brother did it, you're going to find out you're right.”

 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman : 

Hi.

You have a minute? 

 

LEGION :

Actually, I was I was just -

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Oh, it'll only take a second.

I feel like this is our spot.

Are you...

 

 

LEGION :

….'Cause I got I was going in the tank to --

 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Oh, you were just in there, I thought.

Some modifications to get outside space-time.

Isn't that what you told Kerry?

Over my head, The Science, but I got to ask,  Did it Work? 

 

LEGION :

What? 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

That line you gave about seeing where Farouk was gonna be --

 

Or Where He Was.

 

LEGION :

I'm - 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

No, of course we know where he was.

He was here.

He killed 11 of my men, turned one into a pig,

scared the shit out of a bunch of kids.

 

 

LEGION :

I feel like, in order to answer that question,

I need to explain how telepathy works.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Did you find him? 

Yes or no? 

 

LEGION :

He hides.

 

I used to think it was just inside Oliver's mind,

but then I realized he keeps other minds in there with him.

 

Lenny.

Maybe others.

 

And when he senses me looking,

he brings one forward and hides inside of it.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

So, uh, what you're saying is, you're useless.

Or maybe you're - 

 

LEGION :

Maybe I'm what? 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Are you familiar with the term "collusion"? 

 

DAVID: 

You're starting to make me mad.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Oh, are you gonna put more office supplies in my face? 

Burn me alive? 

 

LEGION :

That's - You were The Bad Guy.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Yeah, that's funny.

I thought YOU were The Bad Guy.

 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

TELEPATHICALLY :

I know you're lying.

I think you're helping him, 

but I don't know why.

 

LEGION :

And I think Your Job is to suspect everyone, 

and that makes everyone a suspect.

 

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

[SIGHS.]

Why'd you take us to The Desert? 

 

LEGION :

I told you, I saw him there.

Amahl Farouk.

The Shadow King.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Yeah, but I-I thought you didn't know what he looked like.

 

LEGION :

Oliver.

He's in Oliver.

That's who I saw.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

That's not what you SAID.

 

LEGION :

Just let me do my job.

This'll all be over soon enough.

 

CLARK, 

The One-Eyed Policeman :

Okay.

But just remember :

 

[SINGSONGSY]

 

We see everything.

Liar’s Poker — Clowns to The Left of Me, Jokers to The Right

We're just gonna sit here and bleed... 

'til Joe Cabot sticks his fuckin' head through that door. 

ORANGE :

Say 'Hello.' to a motherfucker Who's Inside. 

Cabot's doing A Job.

He wants Me on The Team. 

Control :

This better not 

be  A Joke. 

ORANGE :

This ain't A Joke.

I'm in. I'm up his ass. 

Nice Guy Eddie tells me Joe wants to meet me;  

He says I should just wait for a phone call -- 

After waiting three days he calls me last night 

and says Joe's ready.

He'll pick me up in 10 minutes.

Control :

Who picked you up? 

ORANGE :

Nice Guy. We get to a bar.

Control :

What bar? 

ORANGE :

Smokey Pete's in Gardena. 

We get there... and I meet Joe 

and a guy named 

Mr. White. Phony name.

My Name's Mr. Orange.

Control :

Mr. Orange?

ORANGE :

Mr. Orange. 

Control :

Okay, Mr. Orange.

You ever see this 

motherfucker before?

ORANGE :

Who? Mr. White? 

Control :

Yes. Mr. White. 

ORANGE :

No. He ain't one of Cabot's men either.

He's gotta be from out of town.

Joe knows him good.

Control :

How can you tell? 

ORANGE :

The way they talk.

You can tell they're buddies.

Control :

You two talk?

ORANGE :

Me and Joe? 

Control :

Mr. White.

ORANGE :

A little.

Control :

About what? 

ORANGE :

The Brewers. 

Control :

Milwaukee Brewers? 

ORANGE :

They won the night before.

He made some money off them. 

Control :

Good. If this crook's a Brewers fan, 

his ass has gotta be from Wisconsin. 

And I'll bet you everything. they 

got a sheet in Milwaukee on 

this Mr. White's ass. 

So I want you to go through everybody 

in Milwaukee with a history 

of armed robbery and put 

A Name to The Face.

Nice work, Freddy.

ORANGE :

Thank you, my man.

Control :

How was Long Beach Mike's referral?

ORANGE :

Perfect. His backing me up went a long way.

I told them I played poker with him. 

Nice Guy checked it out 

and said it was A-okay. 

Said I was a good Thief,

I didn't rattle... and that 

I was ready to move. 

He's a Good Guy.

I wouldn't be inside 

without him. 

Control :

No, no — Long Beach Mike is not your friend. 

Long Beach Mike is a fucking scumbag. 

He's selling out his amigos --

That's how nice he fuckin' is. 

I'll take care of his ass... 

but you get that scumbag 

out of mind and Take 

Care of Business. 

ORANGE :

Gone. 

Control :

...........Use The 

Commode Story.

ORANGE :

What's The Commode Story?

Control :

It's a scene. 

Memorise it. 

ORANGE :

A what?

Control :

An undercover cop's 

gotta be Marlon Brando. 

To Do This Job, You gotta be 

a great actor, naturalistic. 

You gotta be naturalistic as hell. 

If You're a bad actor, that's 

bullshit in this job. 

ORANGE :

What is this? 

Control :

That's an amusing anecdote 

about a drug deal —

Something funny that happened to you 

while you were Doing A Job. 

ORANGE :

I gotta memorise all this?

There's four pages of this shit. 

Control :

Think about it like it's A Joke. 

Memorise what's important.

The rest you make your own. 

You can Tell a 

Joke, can't you? 

Well, pretend you're Don Rickles, 

and Tell a Joke, all right? 

The things you gotta remember 

are the details. 

The details sell your story. 

This particular story takes place in a men's room. 

You gotta know all the details-- 

Whether they got paper towels 

or a blower to dry your hands. 

You gotta know if the stalls ain't got no doors or not. 

You gotta know if they got liquid soap or that pink, granulated shit... they used in high school. 

You gotta know if they got hot water or not, if it stinks... 

if some nasty, lowlife, scum-ridden motherfucker... sprayed diarrhea all over one of the bowls. 

You gotta know every detail there 

is to know about this commode. 

What you gotta do is take all 

them details and 

make 'em your own. 

While you're doing that, remember 

that this story is about you... 

and how you perceived the events 

that went down. 

The only way to Do That... is keep 

sayin' it... and sayin' it 

and sayin' it. 

ORANGE :

This is during the L.A. marijuana drought, 

I still had a connection, which was insane 'cause... 

you couldn't get any weed anywhere then. 

Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick in Santa Cruz... and all my friends knew it. 

They call me and say,

"Hey, Freddy--" 

*FAILED*

They say, 

"Hey, dude — You gettin' some? 

Can you get some for me too?" 

They knew I still smoked, so they asked me to buy some for them. 

It got to be-- Every time I bought some weed I was buyin' for four or five people.

 Finally I said, fuck this shit.

I'm makin' this bitch rich. She didn't even have to meet these people. 

I was doing all the work. 

That got to be a pain in the ass, people calling all the time. 

I couldn't even rent a tape without six fuckin' interruptions. 

"When's the next time you're gettin' some?" 

"Motherfucker!I'm tryin' to watch The Lost Boys!

When I get some, I'll call you." 

Then these rink-a-dink potheads come by. 

They're my friends and everything, but still-- I got it laid out in -dollar bags, they don't want dollars worth. 

They want ten dollars' worth, and breaking it up wasn't easy. 

I don't even know what ten dollars' worth looks like. 

This was a very weird situation. Remember back in ' ... there was a major fuckin' drought. 

Nobody had anything. People were livin' on resin, smokin' the wood in their pipes. 

This chick had a bunch and she's beggin' me to sell it. 

So I told her I wasn't gonna be Joe the pot man anymore... but I would take a little bit

and sell it to my close friends. 

She agreed and we kept the same arrangement as before-- ten percent and free pot for me... if I helped her that weekend. 

She was sellin' a brick of weed and didn't wanna go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in County unexpectedly. 

What for? His traffic tickets gone to warrant. 

They stopped him, found warrants on him, took him to County. 

She doesn't wanna walk around alone with all that weed. 

I don't wanna do this.

I have a very bad feeling about it. 

She keeps asking me, asking me. 

Finally I said okay 'cause I'm sick of hearing it. 

So we go to the train station--

JOE CABOT :

Wait. You're goin' to the train station with the weed on ya? 

ORANGE :

Yeah, The guy needed it right away. 

Anyway, we get to the train station... and we're waitin' for the guy. 

I'm carryin' the weed in a carry-on bag. 

I gotta take a piss, so I tell her I'm goin' to the boy's room. 

So I walk into the men's room and who's standing there? 

Four Los Angeles County sheriffs and a German shepherd. 

NICE GUY EDDIE :

They're waitin' for you?

ORANGE :

No, they're just four guys standing around in a Men's Room talkin'. 

And when I walked in, they all stopped talkin'... and they looked at me. 

JOE CABOT :

That's hard.

That's a fuckin' hard situation. 

ORANGE :

German shepherd starts barking. 

He's barkin' at me. I mean, it's obvious he's barkin' at me. 

Every nerve ending, all of my senses, the blood in the veins was screamin': 

"Take off, man. Just bail. Get the fuck outta there." 

Panic hits me like a bucket of water. Bam! 

Right in the face. I'm drenched in panic and these cops are lookin' at me and they know it. 

They can smell it,sure as that fuckin' dog can. They can smell it on me. 

"Shut up. So anyway,

I got my gun drawn. I point it at this guy

and I tell him... 

"Freeze.Don't fuckin' move." 

This little idiot's looking right at me and saying... 

"I know, I know." 

But meanwhile his right hand

is creepin' toward the glove box. I scream at him, 

"Asshole!

I'm gonna blow you away right now! 

Put your hands on the dash." 

He's still looking at me, nodding his head. "I know, buddy, I know." 

Meanwhile his hand is still

going for the glove box. And I said... 

"Buddy, I'm gonna shoot you

in the face... if you don't put your hands up." 

Then this guy's girlfriend, this real sexy Oriental bitch... she starts screaming at him:

"Chuck, what are you doin'? 

Listen to the officer!

Put your hands on the dash!" 

So then the guy snaps out of it and puts his hands on the dash. 

What was he goin' for? 

His fucking registration. 

You're kidding.

No, man! Stupid citizen doesn't know how closehe came to gettin' blown away. That close, man. 

JOE CABOT :

You knew how to handle that situation. 

You shit your pants, dive in and swim. 

Tell me more about Cabot. 

ORANGE :

I don't know. He's a cool guy. He's funny.

He's a funny guy. You remember the Fantastic Four? 

Yeah, with that invisible bitch... and "Flame on" and shit, right? 

ORANGE :

Thing. Motherfucker... looks just like the Thing. 

NICE GUY EDDIE :

Hey! Showtime! Grab your jacket.

I'm parked outside. 

ORANGE :

I'll be right down. 

NICE GUY EDDIE :

He'll be right down. 

ORANGE :

Don't pussy out on me now. 

They don't know. 

They don't know shit. 

You're not gonna get hurt.

You're fuckin' Baretta. 

They believe every fuckin' word 'cause you're super cool. 

There goes our boy. 

The guy has to have rocks in his head the size of Gibraltar... to work undercover. 

You want one of these?

Yeah, give me the bear claw. 

BROWN :

 Fuck. Jesus. I'm blind, man.

I'm fuckin' blind. 

ORANGE  :

No, you just got blood in your eyes. 

Is he dead? Did he die or not? 

Let's go. 

ORANGE :

Hold it! Get out! 

Get out of the fuckin' car! 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Larry. I can't believe she killed me. 

Who'd have fucking thought that? 

WHITE :

Hey, just cancel that shit right now. You're hurt.

You're hurt real fuckin' bad. 

But you ain't dying. All this blood's scaring the shit out of me, Larry. 

I'm gonna die. I know it. 

What the fuck happened? 

ORANGE :

He slashed the cop's face, cut off his ear and was gonna burn him alive. 

What? I didn't hear you. 

I said... Blonde went crazy. 

He slashed the cop's face, cut off his ear and was gonna burn him alive. 

This cop? 

He went crazy?

Something like that? 

Worse or better? 

Eddie, he was pulling a burn, man. 

He was gonna kill the cop and me. 

When you guys walked in, he was gonna kill you and run with the diamonds. 

What'd I tell ya? That sick piece of shit was a stone-cold psycho. 

You should've asked the cop, not just killed him. 

He talked about what he was gonna do when he was slicing him up. 

I don't buy it. Doesn't make sense. 

Makes perfect fuckin' sense to me. 

You didn't see how he acted during the job. 

We did. 

He's right.

The ear's hacked off. 

Let me just say this out loud, 'cause I wanna get this straight. 

You're saying that Mr. Blonde... was gonna kill you... 

and then when we got back he was gonna kill us... 

take the diamonds and scram. 

I'm right about that, right?

That's your story? 

ORANGE :

I swear on my mother's soul... that's what happened. 

The man you killed just got released from prison. 

He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. 

He could've fuckin' walked. 

All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his mouth shut. 

He did his fuckin' time like a man. 

He did four years for us. 

So, Mr. Orange... you're telling me that this good friend of mine... who did four years

for my father... who, in four years, never made a deal, no matter what they offered him... 

you're telling me 

that now that he's free... and we're making good on our commitment to him... 

he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue... to rip us off? 

Why don't you tell me what really happened. 

JOE CABOT :

What the hell for? 

It'd just be more bullshit.

NARCISSIST:

What? Wait, wait.

You didn't tell him your name, did you?

WHITE :

I told him my first name and where I was from.

NARCISSIST:

Why?

WHITE :

I told him where I was from a few days ago.

It was just a natural conversation.

NARCISSIST:

What was tellin' him your name when you weren't supposed to?

WHITE :

He asked.

We had just gotten away from the cops.

He just got shot.

It was my fault he got shot.

He's a fuckin' bloody mess.

He's screamin'.

I swear to God, I thought he was gonna die right then and there.

I'm tryin' to comfort him, telling him 
"Not to worry...

Everything's going to be okay,

I'm gonna take care of him."

And he asked me what my name was.

I mean, the man was dyin' in my arms.

What the fuck was I supposed to do?

Tell him "I'm sorry? 

I can't give out that fuckin' information?

It's against the rules?

I don't trust you enough?"

Maybe I should've, but I couldn't.

Fuck you! Fuck Joe!

WPC : Yaz and The Rize of The British Policewoman

"Grown-ups really shouldn't need to call The Internet Police to sort it out for them."

Les Miserables isn't 

about The Policeman.

Jamie :

So, you’re sort of like a  — 

World Secret Police..?

Brig. Lethbridge-Stewart :

Well, no, we don’t actually arrest people — we just investigate.

[Call centre / Tardis] 

POLLY: 

UK Security Helpline. 

This is Polly. How can I help?

Our Lady : 

I'm sorry, what? 

POLLY: 

UK Security Helpline. 

How can I help?

Our Lady : 

Get me Kate Stewart at UNIT. 

This is a code zero emergency.

POLLY :

I don't know what that is, I'm afraid. 

Which organisation did you say?

Our Lady : 

UNIT. Unified Intelligence Taskforce. 

This is incredibly urgent. 

The fate of the entire planet is at stake.

POLLY: 

Checking for you. 

Oh, I'm so sorry. 

UNIT operations have been suspended pending review. 

Our Lady : 

What? No, it can't have been. 

UNIT is a fundamentally vital protection for planet Earth against alien invasion.

POLLY: 

Yes, but when did that last happen?

Our Lady : 

Now! Right now!

What happened to it?

POLLY: 

Just checking. 

All UNIT operations were put on hold following financial disputes and subsequent funding withdrawal by the UK's major international partners.

Our Lady : 

You're kidding. 

POLLY: 

Other Armed Forces are available if you can answer a couple of questions to help me best direct your call.

(The Doctor ends the call.)

Our Lady : 

We're on our own. 

The Austro-Hungarian Empire was the ideal model of a Police State.

It copied (and perfected) the French model refined during the Revolutionary, Napoleonic and post-Napoleonic eras.

It was said of the Hapsburg Empire of Prince Metternich, it was maintained by —

A Standing Army of Soldiers

A Sitting Army of Bureaucrats

A Kneeling Army of Priests 

and 

A Creeping Army of Informants

This is why I am so interested by the timeliness of the new BBC adaptation of Les Miserables —

And, by Bane knitting —

The Colourful Jester : 

It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. 

It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known...
 

(Mel comes running in) 

MEL: 

Never mind the Sydney Carton heroics!

You're not signing on as a martyr yet. 

The Colourful Jester :

Go away, Mel. Go away. 

MEL: 

That trial was an illusion...!

(The tumbril vanishes and the Doctor falls onto the cobblestones.)
 

The Colourful Jester :

Ow! You've ruined everything!

Run, You Brilliant Girl —

and

BE A DOCTOR

A young Police Constable approaches two squabbling women. Her attitude to policing seems to channel Sgt Cawood from Happy Valley.

SONIA: 

She smashed it with a hammer!

JANEY: 

Cos you keyed me nearside door!

SONIA: 

Because you parked in my spot!

JANEY: 

It's not your spot. 

There are no spots.

YAZ: 

Ladies, please! 

Thank you. 

Can I suggest a simple solution? 

 “ Never Ask for Permission, It’s a Complete Waste of Time. ” 

— Tony Benn 

You pay for her cracked window,

 you pay for her scratched door, 

and we all agree that parking round here is a nightmare —

But that grown-ups really shouldn't need to call The Police to sort it out for them. 

Now, if we're all agreed on that, 

there's no need for me to take any further Police Action and we can all get on with our lives. 

What do you reckon?

[Police car / Police station]

YASMIN: 

I'm just saying,  
I am capable of more 
 than parking disputes.

RAMESH: 

And I keep telling you, 

Don't run before you can walk. 

You're a probationer, Yaz. 

Learn The Basics.

From Who? (See What I Did There..?)  

— She was sent out to attend the parking incident solo, so she already  knows “The Basics of Routine Community-Policing”, well enoughto do it unsupervised, without additional officers or back-up, whilst sleep-walking underwater, and with the lights off for the entire street, as well as the next 3 streets on either side. 

She Doesn’t Need Supervision

And They Know That.

Because She’s unpartnered — and out there on her own.

YAZ : 

I want to do more. 

Can you not get them to give me something that'll test me? 

Something a bit different.

RAMESH: 

There is something that just came in....

If you want ‘different’....

“For a over a Thousand Generations, The Jedi Knights were the Guardians of Peace and Justice in The Old Republic —”

“We Can Only Protect You;

We Can’t Fight a War for a You.”

“We’re Not Soldiers.”

“Before The Dark Times —

Before The Empire.

But There are Alternatives to Fighting.

You Must Face Darth Vader, Again.

BILL MOYERS: 
We downloaded something from your Web site the other day and there you were talking about how you wanted the Jedi to be more than just fighters. 

You wanted them to be “spiritual,” but you didn’t say what you meant by that?


GEORGE LUCAS: 
Well, I — I guess they’re like ultimate father figures or negotiators. 

And — and at this point in time they are — 

They’re sent out to negotiate a — a deal.


They help to put forth answers where people are in the middle of a dispute.




GEORGE LUCAS: 
They’re aren’t an aggressive force at all. 
They try to — Conflict Resolution, I guess, is what you might — 

Intergalactic Therapists.

“This is an Unexpected Move for Her — it’s too aggressive.”

Ah,

1985 :