Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts

Saturday, 28 December 2019

And I Did, and it Worked.

• Wisdom
• Circumspection
• Discernment 
• Trials
• Sacrifice
• Intuition
• Divination
• Prophecy

When I couldn't get Sober, 
He urged me  
Not to Give up Hope 
He urged me to 
Find My Faith -

It didn't have to be his, or anyone else's, 
as long as it was rooted upon Forgiveness.

 And most importantly, 
He said that : -

If I Accepted Responsibility for My Wrongdoings,
If I embraced That Part of My Soul That Was UGLY.

( "Hugging The Cactus", he calls it. )

If I Hugged The Cactus Long Enough,
I Would Become a Man of Some Humility,
and that 
My Life would Take on New Meaning.

And I Did, and it Worked.

All he asked in return was that 
I should Help The Next Guy
in some small way.

Sunday, 17 November 2019


Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
As defending champion, you nervous?
Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. 
Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 
'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Gary tells me one day about his sister, how her son, his nephew, died at eighteen from overdosing on a bad batch of MDMA. ‘Would you talk to her?’ he asks.
I see him every day over the course of the production and it is, all in all, a fairly typical experience. 
I return to my trailer, content to be wrapping a film without having caused any unnecessary aggravation. Aside from the ice creams. 
Gary taps on the door. 
When I open it he already has his sister on the line.
I take the phone and close the door and the always slightly absurd ambience of the on-set trailer, in spite of my daft costume, immediately becomes calm and sacred. 
Kerry tells me that she is in Brent Cross shopping centre. 
Excuse me,’ she says, and moves somewhere quiet. 
I sit down and picture her there. 
I breathe and prepare for her story. 
She is tentative and tearful for a few syllables, but propelled by tremulous certainty. 
‘James was a beautiful boy. 
More than my son he was my friend. 
So clever and sensitive. 
Not a druggy kid. 
He didn’t do drugs a lot, I know he didn’t. 
I didn’t want him to go out that night. 
I wanted him to stay in. 
I wish I’d stopped him. I couldn’t sleep, I kept looking at my phone. 
I had a bad feeling. 
At one fifty-eight I got a text, “I’m all right, Mum”, at two fifty-eight I got another one from his phone saying “James is dead.”’ 
At this point the frequency, the intensity, the sharpness of tone changes, the grief is piercing and I try to fall backwards into purpose. 
‘My boy died on the street, Russell, on a pavement with three hundred people watching. Outside a club. He was dead by the time he got to the hospital.’ 
I try to breathe and reach beyond my own lack of experience, my own inability to know something so profound and painful and source something useful. 
‘I’m getting grief counselling and they say I have to let go because the grief is going into my body and making me ill but I don’t want to let go because I deserve it.’ 
Then the terrible sound of a mother’s pain.
I am not qualified to handle a mother’s grief. 
I have no training in counselling or experience of this poignant and unanswerable despair. 
In this moment, though, I am on the phone to a grieving mother and the practical and rational limitations simply cannot be allowed to prevent me giving her the comfort and love her situation demands. 
William Blake did a series of engravings based on the Book of Job, rendering in immaculate tableaux Job’s trials and suffering. It is as if Blake through his art and the Bible through the means of prose refer to the same subliminal truth, as if this story, the Book of Job, contains essential truths that we can only behold fleetingly and through the lens of image or language. 
In one tableau, Yaweh, or God, from on high shows Job ‘the behemoth and the leviathan that I made, as I made thee’. These creatures as rendered by Blake are dreadful and uncanny. The dumb, muscular, skinless beast, all sinew and mouth. The deep-dwelling sea serpent ever present but invisible in its awful depths. 
When regarding these silently screaming images the horror of God’s power is awesome, more terrifying though is the suggestion of ambivalence and that implicitly God The Creator is Not Only Good. 
In these images Job and Yaweh look the same, as if both the man made of flesh and the divine father are enshrined within a single form. 
These hypnotic tableaux induce a visionary state where we confront that God is within us and our own moral choices determine God’s values. That the capacity for Darkness and unconsciousness is as much part of the individual’s psychological make-up as the inclination to love and kindness. 
That we HAVE to be Good, because if WE are not Good, then God is not Good, that God’s Grace is realized through us and if we do not realize it then it does not exist.
Like a terrible quantum equation where our intentions create all that is manifest. Do not be lost in the leviathan deep. Do not be trapped in the dumb carnality of form, transcend; transcend that God may imbue The World with His Grace through you. 
Knowing my own limitations I do not answer from myself. 
Knowing the hopelessness of such pitiless despair I do not attempt to placate with platitudes. 
I offer Love. 
I offer this stranger, this woman that I am confronted with, The Best of Me, such as it is, in the hope that within me, within her, within us all, is the capacity to heal and be healed. 
There is no code in language, no silver bullet that can undo this pain but beyond language, beyond form, beyond death there is, there must be, connection. 
We cannot allow the universe to be unconsciousness and carnality, because we have the choice, because the possibility, the potentiality for love exists in all of us. Its existence as potential is also its demand for realization.
Aside from the love, comfort and forgiveness that anyone would offer a grieving mother I suggest that Kerry meets two of the mentors in this book, Manya and Meredith – healers, mothers, strong women who will be able to hold her pain for her until she is able to.”
Excerpt From
“Mentors,” by Russell Brand, 

Saturday, 24 August 2019

Back to The Beginning

Merciful Father, 
I have squandered My Days with plans of many things. 

This was not among them. 

But at this moment, 
I beg only to live the next few minutes Well
For all We Ought to Have Thought, 
and Have Not Thought
All We Ought to Have Said, 
and Have Not Said
All We Ought to Have Done, 
and Have Not Done
I pray Thee, God, for Forgiveness.

Lo, There Do I See My Father. 
Lo, There Do I See... 

Herger the Joyous: 
...My Mother, and My Sisters, and My Brothers. 

Lo, There Do I See... 

Herger the Joyous: 
...The Line of My People... 

Edgtho the Silent: 
...Back to The Beginning. 

Weath the Musician: 
Lo, They Do Call to Me. 

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan:
They Bid Me Take My Place Among Them. 

In The Halls of Valhalla... 

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan:
...Where The Brave... 

Herger the Joyous:
...May Live... 

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan:

Sunday, 26 May 2019


Well, he was Borderline for a while —
Then he crossed The Border.

Jordan Peterson - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Loyalty really isn't high on your list.

Oh, is that right? I'll have you know I am damn loyal, dumbass.
(crosses her arms)

(walks slowly, painfully toward her)
You betrayed me. You are betraying me now, even as we are talking.

(raising her voice)
Because you never have any confidence in me.

No, because you have no soul.

I would if you had confidence in me.


"By his own approximation, Bob assassinated Jesse James over 800 times.

He suspected no one in history had ever so often or so publicly recapitulated an Act of Betrayal.

Bob always challenged the allegations of cowardice... but Charley seemed to agree with them.

He spoke of Mrs. Zee James as certain priests might The Madonna, and composed long soul-describing letters to her, begging her forgiveness... 
none of which he mailed.

Charley Ford became all that his countrymen wanted an assassin of Jesse James to be."

Monday, 8 April 2019


Earth Angel, Earth Angel
Will you be mine?
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you


1. These are the names of the angels who watch. 

2. Uriel, one of the holy angels, who presides over clamour and terror. 

3. Raphael, one of the holy angels, who presides over the spirits of men. 

4. Raguel, one of the holy angels, who inflicts punishment on the world and the luminaries. 

5. Michael, one of the holy angels, who, presiding over human virtue, commands the nations. 

6. Sarakiel, one of the holy angels, who presides over the spirits of the children of men that transgress. 

7. Gabriel, one of the holy angels, who presides over Ikisat, over paradise, and over the cherubim.


1. It happened after the sons of men had multiplied in those days, that daughters were born to them, elegant and beautiful. 

2. And when the angels, the sons of heaven, beheld them, they became enamoured of them, saying to each other, ‘Come, let us select for ourselves wives from the progeny of men, and let us beget children.’

3. Then their leader Samyaza said to them; I fear that you may perhaps be indisposed to the performance of this enterprise; 

4. And that I alone shall suffer for so grievous a crime. 

5. But they answered him and said; ‘We all swear; 

6. And bind ourselves by mutual execrations, that we will not change our intention, but execute our projected undertaking.’

7. Then they swore all together, and all bound themselves by mutual execrations. Their whole number was two hundred, who descended upon Ardis, which is the top of mount Armon. 

8. That mountain therefore was called Armon, because they had sworn upon it, and bound themselves by mutual execrations. 

9. These are the names of their chiefs: Samyaza, who was their leader, Urakabarameel, Akibeel, Tamiel, Ramuel, Danel, Azkeel, Saraknyal, Asael, Armers, Batraal, Anane, Zavebe, Samsaveel, Ertael, Turel, Yomyael, Arazyal. These were the prefects of the two hundred angels, and the remainder were all with them. 

10. Then they took wives, each choosing for himself; whom they began to approach, and with whom they cohabited; teaching them sorcery, incantations, and the dividing of roots and trees. 

11. And the women conceiving brought forth giants, 


1. Then the Most High, the Great and Holy One spoke, 

2. And sent Arsayalalyur to the son of Lamech, 

3. Saying, Say to him in my name, Conceal thyself. 

4. Then explain to him the consummation which is about to take place; for all the earth shall perish; the waters of a deluge shall come over the whole earth, and all things which are in it shall be destroyed. 

5. And now teach him how he may escape, and how his seed may remain in all the earth. 

6. Again the Lord said to Raphael, Bind Azazyel hand and foot; cast him into darkness; and opening the desert which is in Dudael, cast him in there. 

7. Throw upon him hurled and pointed stones, covering him with darkness; 

8. There shall he remain for ever; cover his face, that he may not see the light. 

9. And in the great day of judgment let him be cast into the fire. 

10. Restore the earth, which the angels have corrupted; and announce life to it, that I may revive it. 

11. All the sons of men shall not perish in consequence of every secret, by which the Watchers have destroyed, and which they have taught, their offspring. 

12. All the earth has been corrupted by the effects of the teaching of Azazyel. To him therefore ascribe the whole crime. 

13. To Gabriel also the Lord said, Go to the biters, to the reprobates, to the children of fornication; and destroy the children of fornication, the offspring of the Watchers, from among men; bring them forth, and excite them one against another. Let them perish by mutual slaughter; for length of days shall not be theirs. 

14. They shall all entreat thee, but their fathers shall not obtain their wishes respecting them; for they shall hope for eternal life, and that they may live, each of them, five hundred years. 

15. To Michael likewise the Lord said, Go and announce his crime to Samyaza, and to the others who are with him, who have been associated with women, that they might be polluted with all their impurity. And when all their sons shall be slain, when they shall see the perdition of their beloved, bind them for seventy generations underneath the earth, even to the day of judgment, and of consummation, until the judgment, the effect of which will last for ever, be completed. 

16. Then shall they be taken away into the lowest depths of the fire in torments; and in confinement shall they be shut up for ever. 

17. Immediately after this shall he, together with them, burn and perish; they shall be bound until the consummation of many generations. 

18. Destroy all the souls addicted to dalliance, and the offspring of the Watchers, for they have tyrannized over mankind. 

19. Let every oppressor perish from the face of the earth; 

20. Let every evil work be destroyed; 

21. The plant of righteousness and of rectitude appear, and its produce become a blessing. 

22. Righteousness and rectitude shall be for ever planted with delight. 

23. And then shall all the saints give thanks, and live until they have begotten a thousand children, while the whole period of their youth, and their sabbaths shall be completed in peace. In those days all the earth shall be cultivated in righteousness; it shall be wholly planted with trees, and filled with benediction; every tree of delight shall be planted in it. 

24. In it shall vines be planted; and the vine which shall be planted in it shall yield fruit to satiety; every seed, which shall be sown in it, shall produce for one measure a thousand; and one measure of olives shall produce ten presses of oil. 

25. Purify the earth from all oppression, from all injustice, from all crime, from all impiety, and from all the pollution which is committed upon it. Exterminate them from the earth. 

26. Then shall all the children of men be righteous, and all nations shall pay me divine honours, and bless me; and all shall adore me. 

27. The earth shall be cleansed from all corruption, from every crime, from all punishment, and from all suffering; neither will I again send a deluge upon it from generation to generation for ever. 

28. In those days I will open the treasures of blessing which are in heaven, that I may cause them to descend upon earth, and upon all the works and labour of man. 

29. Peace and equity shall associate with the sons of men all the days of the world, in every generation of it. 


1. Before all these things Enoch was concealed; nor did any one of the sons of men know where he was concealed, where he had been, and what had happened. 

2. He was wholly engaged with the holy ones, and with the Watchers in his days. 

3. I, Enoch, was blessing the great Lord and King of peace. 

4. And behold the Watchers called me Enoch the scribe. 

5. Then the Lord said to me: Enoch, scribe of righteousness, go tell the Watchers of heaven, who have deserted the lofty sky, and their holy everlasting station, who have been polluted with women. 

6. And have done as the sons of men do, by taking to themselves wives, and who have been greatly corrupted on the earth; 

7. That on the earth they shall never obtain peace and remission of sin. For they shall not rejoice in their offspring; they shall behold the slaughter of their beloved; shall lament for the destruction of their sons; and shall petition for ever; but shall not obtain mercy and peace. 


1. Then Enoch, passing on, said to Azazyel: Thou shalt not obtain peace. A great sentence is gone forth against thee. He shall bind thee; 

2. Neither shall relief, mercy, and supplication be thine, on account of the oppression which thou hast taught; 

3. And on account of every act of blasphemy, tyranny, and sin, which thou hast discovered to the children of men. 

4. Then departing from him I spoke to them all together; 

5. And they all became terrified, and trembled; 

6. Beseeching me to write for them a memorial of supplication, that they might obtain forgiveness; and that I might make the memorial of their prayer ascend up before the God of heaven; because they could not themselves thenceforwards address him, nor raise up their eyes to heaven on account of the disgraceful offence for which they were judged. 

7. Then I wrote a memorial of their prayer and supplication, for their spirits, for everything which they had done, and for the subject of their entreaty, that they might obtain remission and rest. 

8. Proceeding on, I continued over the waters of Danbadan, which is on the right to the west of Armon, reading the memorial of their prayer, until I fell asleep. 

9. And behold a dream came to me, and visions appeared above me. I fell down and saw a vision of punishment, that I might relate it to the sons of heaven, and reprove them. When I awoke I went to them. All being collected together stood weeping in Oubelseyael, which is situated between Libanos and Seneser, with their faces veiled. 

10. I related in their presence all the visions which I had seen, and my dream; 

11. And began to utter these words of righteousness, reproving the Watchers of heaven. 


1. This is the book of the words of righteousness, and of the reproof of the Watchers, who belong to the world, according to that which He, who is holy and great, commanded in the vision. I perceived in my dream, that I was now speaking with a tongue of flesh, and with my breath, which the Mighty One has put into the mouth of men, that they might converse with it. 

2. And understand with the heart. As he has created and given to men the power of comprehending the word of understanding, so has he created and given to me the power of reproving the Watchers, the offspring of heaven. I have written your petition; and in my vision it has been shown me, that what you request will not be granted you as long as the world endures. 

3. Judgment has been passed upon you: your request will not be granted you. 

4. From this time forward, never shall you ascend into heaven; He has said, that on the earth He will bind you, as long as the world endures. 

5. But before these things you shall behold the destruction of your beloved sons; you shall not possess them, but they shall fall before you by sword. 

6. Neither shall you entreat for them, nor for yourselves; 

7. But you shall weep and supplicate in silence. The words of the book which I wrote. 

8. A vision thus appeared to me. 

9. Behold, in that vision clouds and a mist invited me; agitated stars and flashes of lightning impelled and pressed me forwards, while winds in the vision assisted my flight, accelerating my progress. 

10. They elevated me aloft to heaven. I proceeded, until I arrived at a wall built with stones of crystal. A vibrating flame surrounded it, which began to strike me with terror. 

11. Into this vibrating flame I entered; 

12. And drew nigh to a spacious habitation built also with stones of crystal. Its walls too, as well as pavement, were formed with stones of crystal, and crystal likewise was the ground. Its roof had the appearance of agitated stars and flashes of lightning; and among them were cherubim of fire in a stormy sky. A flame burned around its walls; and its portal blazed with fire. When I entered into this dwelling, it was hot as fire and cold as ice. No trace of delight or of life was there. Terror overwhelmed me, and a fearful shaking seized me. 

13. Violently agitated and trembling, I fell upon my face. In the vision I looked, 

14. And behold there was another habitation more spacious than the former, every entrance to which was open before me, erected in the midst of a vibrating flame. 

15. So greatly did it excel in all points, in glory, in magnificence, and in magnitude, that it is impossible to describe to you either the splendour or the extent of it. 

16. Its floor was on fire; above were lightnings and agitated stars, while its roof exhibited a blazing fire. 

17. Attentively I surveyed it, and saw that it contained an exalted throne; 

18. The appearance of which was like that of frost; while its circumference resembled the orb of the brilliant sun; and there was the voice of the cherubim. 

19. From underneath this mighty throne rivers of flaming fire issued. 

20. To look upon it was impossible. 

21. One great in glory sat upon it: 

22. Whose robe was brighter than the sun, and whiter than snow. 

23. No angel was capable of penetrating to view the face of Him, the Glorious and the Effulgent; nor could any mortal behold Him. A fire was flaming around Him. 

24. A fire also of great extent continued to rise up before Him; so that not one of those who surrounded Him was capable of approaching Him, among the myriads of 'myriads who were before Him. To Him holy consultation was needless. Yet did not the sanctified, who were near Him, depart far from Him either by night or by day; nor were they removed from Him. I also was so far advanced, with a veil on my face, and trembling.Then the Lord with his own mouth called me, saying, Approach hither, Enoch, at my holy word. 

25. And He raised me up, making me draw near even to the entrance. My eye was directed to the ground. 


1. Then addressing me, He spoke and said, Hear, neither be afraid, O righteous Enoch, thou scribe of righteousness: approach hither, and hear my voice. Go, say to the Watchers of heaven, who have sent thee to pray for them, You ought to pray for men, and not men for you. 

2. Wherefore have you forsaken the lofty and holy heaven, which endures for ever, and have lain with women; have defiled yourselves with the daughters of men; have taken to yourselves wives; have acted like the sons of the earth, and have begotten an impious offspring? 

3. You being spiritual, holy, and possessing a life which is eternal, have polluted yourselves with women; have begotten in carnal blood; have lusted in the blood of men; and have done as those who are flesh and blood do. 

4. These however die and perish. 

5. Therefore have I given to them wives, that they might cohabit with them; that sons might be born of them; and that this might be transacted upon earth. 

6. But you from the beginning were made spiritual, possessing a life which is eternal, and not subject to death for ever. 

7. Therefore I made not wives for you, because, being spiritual, your dwelling is in heaven. 

8. Now the giants, who lave been born of spirit and of flesh, shall be called upon earth evil spirits, and on earth shall be their habitation. Evil spirits shall proceed from their flesh, because they were created from above; from the holy Watchers was their beginning and primary foundation. Evil spirits shall they be upon earth, and the spirits of the wicked shall they be called. The habitation of the spirits of heaven shall be in heaven; but upon earth shall be the habitation of terrestrial spirits, who are born on earth. 

9. The spirits of the giants shall be like clouds, which shall oppress, corrupt, fall, contend, and bruise upon earth. 

10. They shall cause lamentation. No food shall they eat; and they shall be thirsty; they shall be concealed, and shall not rise up against the sons of men, and against women; for they come forth during the days of slaughter and destruction. 


1. And as to the death of the giants, wheresoever their spirits depart from their bodies, let their flesh, that which is perishable, be without judgment. Thus shall they perish, until the day of the great consummation of the great world. A destruction shall take place of the Watchers and the impious. 

2. And now to the Watchers, who have sent thee to pray for them, who in the beginning were in heaven, 

3. Say, In heaven have you been; secret things, however, have not been manifested to you; yet have you known a reprobated mystery. 

4. And this you have related to women in the hardness of your heart, and by that mystery have women and mankind multiplied evils upon the earth. 

5. Say to them, Never therefore shall you obtain peace.

Monday, 7 May 2018

The Cactus

“I asked Mel to present this award for me for a reason.

When I couldn’t get sober, he told me not to give up hope and encouraged me to find my faith. 

It didn’t have to be his or anyone else’s as long as it was rooted in forgiveness

And I couldn’t get hired, so he cast me in the lead of a movie that was actually developed for him. 

He kept a roof over my head and food on the table and most importantly he said if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoing and embraced that part of my soul that was ugly — hugging the cactus he calls it — he said that if I hugged the cactus long enough, I’d become A Man of some substance.

So, I did, and it worked.

All he asked in return was that someday I help The Next Guy in some small way.’s reasonable to assume at the time he didn’t imagine the next guy would be him or that someday was tonight. 

So anyway on this special occasion and in light of the recent holidays, including   Columbus Day, I would ask that you join me, unless you are completely without sin in which case you picked the wrong f—ing industry, in forgiving my friend his trespasses and offering him the same clean slate you have me, allowing him to continue his great and ongoing contribution to our collective art without shame. 

He’s hugged the cactus long enough.”