Hey, pardon me for asking, but
who's that little old man?
Paul :
What little old man?
That little old man.
Paul :
Oh, that one. That's My Grandfather.
Your Grandfather?
Paul :
Yeah.
That's not your grandfather.
Paul :
It is, you know.
George :
But I've seen Your Grandfather.
He lives in Your House.
Paul :
Oh, that's My Other Grandfather,
but he's My Grandfather as well.
How do you reckon that one out?
Paul :
Well, everyone's entitled
to Two, aren't they?
And This is My Other One.
We know that, but
What's he doing here?
Paul :
Well, My Mother thought the trip
would do him Good.
How's that?
Paul :
He's nursing a broken heart.
Ah, poor old thing.
Hey, Mister, are you
nursing a broken heart?
He's a nice old man, isn't he?
Paul :
He's very clean.
John :
Hello, Grandfather.
Hello.
He can Talk then, can he?
Paul :
Of course he can Talk.
He's a Human Being, isn't he?
RINGO :
Well, if he's Your Grandfather,
who knows? Ha ha ha.
John :
And we're looking after him, are we?
I look after myself.
Paul :
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
George :
He's got you worried, then?
Paul :
Him, He's a Villain, a real mixer...
and he costs you a fortune
in Breach of Promise cases.
George :
Get on.
Paul :
No, straight up.
Shake :
Hiya.
Hello, Shake.
Hello, Shake.
You got on all right, then?
John :
No.
Oh? Well, we're here.
Norm'll be along in a minute with the tickets.
Hey, who's the little old man?
It's Paul's grandfather.
Oh, aye, but I thought...
No, that's his other one.
Oh, that's all right, then.
Clean, though, isn't he?
Oh, aye. He's very clean.
Norm :
Morning, lads.
Hi, Norm.
Thank God you've all got here.
Look, I've had a marvellous idea.
Just for once, let's all try to behave
like ordinary respectable citizens.
Let's not cause any trouble,
pull any strokes, or do anything
I'm gonna be sorry for...
especially tomorrow in that
television theatre, because...
Are you listening to me, Lennon?
John :
You're a swine. Isn't he, George?
George :
Yeah, a swine.
Thanks. Hey.
Who's that little old man?
- Well, who is he?
- He belongs to Paul.
Oh, well. I'm going down
for a cup of coffee.
- Anyone coming?
- We'll follow you down.
I want me coffee.
You can come with Shake
and Me, if you like.
Paul :
Look after him -- I don't want to
find you've lost him.
Don't be cheeky.
I'll bind Him to Me with Promises.
Very clean, isn't he?
Come out, Grandad.
Make up your mind, will you?
The Passenger :
Hello. Morning.
All right?
Whoa.
Do You Mind if we have it open?
The Passenger :
Yes, I Do.
Well, There are Four of Us,
and We'd like it open, not if
it's all the same to you, that is.
The Passenger :
It isn't. I travel on This Train regularly,
Twice a Week, so I suppose
I have some Rights.
So Have We.
The Passenger :
And We'll have that thing off
as well. Thank you.
But...
The Passenger :
An elementary knowledge
of the Railway Acts...
would tell you that I am
perfectly within My Rights.
Paul :
Yeah, but We want to hear it.
There's more of Us than You.
We're a Community,
a majority vote.
'Up The Workers!' and all that stuff.
Paul :
Then I suggest You take that damn thing
into The Corridor, or some
other part of The Train,
where you obviously belong.
Give us a kiss.
Paul :
Look, Mister, We paid for
Our Seats, too, you know.
The Passenger :
I travel on This Train
regularly, twice a week.
John :
Knock it off, Paul. You can't win with his sort.
After all, it's His Train, isn't it, Mister?
The Passenger :
And don't take that tone
with Me, Young Man.
I fought The War for your sort.
John :
I bet you're sorry You Won.
The Passenger :
I shall call The Guard.
Ah, but what?
They don't take kindly to insults, you know.
Let's go have some coffee and
leave the kennel to Lassie.
Hey, mister, can we
have our ball back?
Look, mister. Mister. Can
we have our ball back?
- Hey.
Please, mister.
You want to watch it.
Well, it's not my fault.
You stick to that story, son.
I can't help it. I'm just taller than you are.
They always say that.
Well, I've got me eye on ya.
I'm sorry, Norm. I can't help being taller than you.
Well, don't rub it in. I've a good mind
to thump you, Shake.
If you're gonna have a barney,
can I hold your coat?
- He started it.
- I did not. You did.
Well, what happened?
The old fella said that...
could he have these pictures,
and Norm said, "No."
And all I said was, "Well,
why not be big about it?"
- And?
- Your grandfather pointed out...
that Shake was always being
taller than me just to spite me.
I knew it. He started it.
- I should've known.
- You what?
You two have never had an
argument in your life...
and in two minutes flat,
he's got you at it.
He's a king mixer.
He hates group unity, so
he gets everyone at it.
Well, I suggest you just
give him the photos...
and have done with it.
Oh, all right, you old
devil. Here you are.
Hey, Pauly, would you ever
sign one of them for us?
Ah, come out, Shake.
John :
Hey, look at the talent.
- Let's give them a pull.
- Should I?
Aye, but don't rush.
None of your five bar gate jumps
and over sort of stuff.
John :
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know -- I thought it just
sounded distinguished-like.
John :
George Harrison, the scouse of distinction.
Paul :
Excuse me, madame.
Excuse me, but these young men I'm sitting with...
wondered if two of us could come over and join you.
I'd ask you myself, only I'm shy.
I'm sorry, miss. You mustn't
fraternise with me prisoners.
Prisoners?
Convicts in transit. Typical old lags,
the lot of them.
You what?
Get out, ladies. Get out while you can.
He's been gone a long time.
Who?
Paul's Grandfather.
Oh, I didn't notice.
Where'd he go?
- Down the...
- Oh, down the...
Yeah, down the...
Oh, well, give him a
couple of minutes, then.
Hey, have you seen Paul's Grandfather?
Of course. He's concealed about me person.
Now, he must've slipped off somewhere.
Have you lost him?
Now, don't exaggerate.
Paul :
You've lost him.
Look, put it this way,
Pauly... he's mislaid him.
Paul :
Honest, you can't trust you
with anything, Norm.
If you've lost him,
I'll cripple ya.
He can't have got far.
Let's look up the sharp end.
George :
What's the matter with you, then?
RINGO :
It's His Grandfather.
I can tell he doesn't like me.
It's because I'm little.
George :
You've got an inferiority
complex, you have.
RINGO :
Yeah, I know. That's why
I play the drums.
It's me active compensatory factor.
[ In one of the First Class compartments, a clearly Wealthy older women, dripping in furs and diamonds makes Come-to-Bed eyes at Ringo through the window glass —
Ringo glances around behind himself, doing a ‘What? Who, ME..?!?’ mime ]
George :
Going in, then?
RINGO :
Nah, she'll only
reject Me in The End,
and I'll be frustrated.
George :
You never know.
You may be lucky this time.
RINGO :
No, I know the psychological pattern.
It plays havoc with me drum skins.
Excuse me. Have you seen that
little old man we were with?
We've broken out... the
blessed freedom of it all.
Have you got a nail file?
These handcuffs are killing me.
I was framed. I'm innocent.
I don't want to go.
Sorry for disturbing you, girls.
I bet you can't guess
what I was in for.
Should we go in here?
No, it's probably a
honeymoon couple...
or a company director
or something.
Well, I don't care. I'm
gonna broaden my outlook.
Congratulate me,
boys. I'm engaged.
Oh, no, you're not. Not this time.
And to think me own grandson...
would've let them put me behind bars.
Don't dramatise. Let's face it, you're lucky to be here.
If they'd have had their own way,
you would have been dropped off already.
Well, you've got to admit
you upset a lot of people.
At least I can keep my eye on you,
while you're stuck in here.
Shove up.
- Odds or evens?
- Odds.
Don't worry, son.
We'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.
Oh. It's a laugh a line with Lennon.
Anyway, it's your fault.
- Why me?
- Why not you?
God, it's depressing
in here, isn't it?
Funny. They usually reckon dogs
more than people in England.
You'd expect something
more palatial.
- Let's do something, then.
- Like what?
Ok.
Cor, there's the girls.
I'll deal them.
Aye aye, the Liverpool shuffle.
Two for you, two for
me, three for them.
Cheat.
♪ I ♪
♪ Should have known better
with a girl like you ♪
♪ That I would love
everything that you do ♪
♪ And I do ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ And I do ♪
Not-Brian Epstein :
That was great, lads.
Now, you've got about an hour,
but don't leave the theatre.
Where are you going, John?
She's going to show me
her stamp collection.
So's mine.
Not-Brian Epstein :
John, I'm talking to you --
This final run-through is
important, understand?
Important.
I want a cup of tea.
Shake?
I've got to adjust the decibels
on the inbalance, Norm.
Clever. George?
Not-Brian Epstein :
Ringo, look after him, will you?
RINGO :
Oh, hey, Norm.
Not-Brian Epstein :
Do I have to raise my voice?
RINGO :
All right. Come on, Grandad.
I'm a drummer, not a
wet-nurse, you know.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Would you look at him...
Sitting there with his hooter,
scraping away at that book.
RINGO :
Well, what's the matter with that?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Have you no natural
resources of your own?
Have they even robbed you of that?
RINGO :
You can learn from books.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
You can, can you?
Sheeps' Heads.
You could learn more by getting
Out There and Living.
RINGO :
Out where?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Any old where.
But not our little
Richard. Oh, no.
When you're not thumping
them pagan skins,
you're tormenting your
eyes with that rubbish.
RINGO :
Books are Good.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Parading's Better.
RINGO :
Parading?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Parading The Streets...
Trailing Your coat,
Bowling along... Living.
RINGO :
Well, I am Living.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
You? Living?
When was the last time
you gave a girl
a pink-edged daisy?
When did you last
embarrass a Sheila...
with your cool
appraising stare?
RINGO :
You're a bit old for that
sort of chat, aren't you?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Well, at least I've got
a backlog of memories.
All you've got is that book.
RINGO :
Ah, stop picking on me.
You're as bad as the rest of Them.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Ah, so you are A Man, after all.
RINGO :
What's that mean?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Do you think I haven't noticed?
Do you think I wasn't
aware of the drift?
You poor, unfortunate scruff.
They've driven you into books,
with their cruel,
unnatural treatment,
exploiting your
Good Nature.
RINGO :
I don't know.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
Ah, That Lot's never happier
unless They're jeering you.
And Where Would They Be,
without the steady support
of your drum beat?
That's What I'd
Like to Know.
RINGO :
Yeah. That's right.
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
And what's it all come
to in The End?
RINGO :
Yeah. What's in it for Me?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
A book. Yeah, a blooming book.
When you could be out there,
betraying a rich American widow;
or sipping palm wine in Tahiti
before you're Too Old, like Me.
RINGO :
Yeah, funny, really, because
I never thought, but --
Being Middle-aged
and Old, takes up most
of Your Time, doesn't it?
John McCartney,
Paul's Grandfather :
You're only right --
Where are you going?
RINGO :
I'm going parading
before it's Too Late.
George :
Hey, Ringo, you know what
just happened to me?
RINGO :
No, I don't. You ought to stop
looking so scornful.
It's twisting your face.
Tell him of The Story about...
Hello, here he is, the
middle-aged boy wonder.
I thought you were looking
after The Old Man.
We've only got half an hour
to the final run-through.
He can't walk out on us now.
Can't he? He's done it, son.
Hey, you know What Happened?
We know.
Your Grandfather.
He's stirred him up.
Paul :
He hasn't.
George :
Yeah, he... he filled His Head
with notions seemingly.
Paul :
The old mixer. Come on,
we'll have to put him right.
Coming up, all dancers
onstage for rehearsal, please.
Split up and look for him.
We've become a limited company.
I'll look in here again.
