The City Centre : The Centre of Town

Joseph Campbell--Mythology of the First City States

"....it's hard for Us-Today, to realise what the perilous situation was of the early culture people in the near East the beginnings of Agriculture and domestication of animals for the Western world begins in the near East and the first signs occur somewhere around 10,000 BC we begin to see signs of the domestication of some of the animals of the neighborhood principally sheep and goats to begin with and then the pig comes in. 

Now, there may have been an earlier beginning in Southeast Asia, the finds that are taking place now in Upper in Northern Thailand are really spectacular in Transforming Our picture of the origins of Agriculture and so forth but for the history of civilization in the in the uh in in the Western World this area of the near East is crucial decisive up to let's say 10,000 BC all people were foraging Nomads hunters and uh root and vegetable gatherers around 10,000 BC the idea of domesticating your own food begins to take place as a result of this you have a more substantial and dependable economic base and uh increasingly large communities can begin to build up brings in a whole new problem of cultural organisation you begin to have Specialists you begin to have people whose specialisation is tilling the soil others who are trading people trading for goods uh with other uh centers and You Begin then also to have governing people who govern these uh en large communities specialist tasks the problem of organizing the community and the organized Community the viable unit which consists of one can say principally what turn out to be four casts the governor the uh uh Priestly ones who keep in touch with the Divine sources of uh dream and uh myth and spiritual information the uh trading and Merchant people and the uh toiling uh um peasants uh these are coordinated around a spiritual centre that represents the point that, "We're all differently trained, serving the same Centre, and The City-itself becomes, what we're calling today, a Mandela a sacred circle with a center and we're all related to that -- 

Now, there were two different developments out of the early uh Agricultural and domestication of animal base in the riverlands and in the high mountain valleys where it was possible to raise crops the accent would be on agriculture in the broad grazing lands the accent was on animal domestication and so you have hering people and there is a distinct separation as early let's say as the 8th and 7th centuries the seventh millenniums 8,000 7,000 BC uh between the settled agriculturalists and the still nomadic hering people where you have herders the male is the important person he's the one that is rounding up the animals that is uh killing the animals and protecting this herd against another herd so you have a warrior accent whereas when the toiling is that of Agriculture the relationship is to the Earth which is the mother she brings forth life and she nourishes life and so the female principle is a dominant one there now in this near East Zone there were three main group groups of people in these uh divisions one was the people in the uh riverlands and the high valleys agriculturalist whose principal deity was the goddess who is the world mother and the others were the two great hering communities one in the North in southern Europe the uh indo-europeans who were her as of Caple and who were the domesticators of the horse and invented the war Chariot became people of tremendous uh military power and the other were the people of the Siro Arabian Desert who are the semites and uh these were her as of sheep and goats and later the domesticators of the camel which became then the war camel and so forth and so on I think the earliest representation of the camel that we have in literature is in the Old Testament where Rachel comes on a camel to Abraham so we have uh these two Warrior people fighting in on the relatively peaceful uh settled areas and so we find around the sixth millennium BC that the little settled communities begin to have walls and the protection against these Warrior people who were tough fighting people and ruthless uh whether they're Indo European or semites the same story there comes a time then when the shift of accent goes to these Warrior people who have come in and become the overlords the dominant ones over a toiling community and uh this is what happens when oh 2350 BC we read of sag and the first s of a god this was a Semitic Monarch who comes in over the earlier Sumerian people he comes in around he his dates about 2350 BC then about 2000 BC there's a su Ian restoration and this is the period of building of many building of the great zigurat and most of our Sumerian texts come from this period the very important King important for us because the documents come from his time uh king guda of lagash and it's in uh his libation vase it's a little vase about so big with a symbol on it of a central post and two serpents with seven interlocking this is the earliest example we have is this caducous and then two cherubim that say lion birds birds that are human animal bird like with crowns opening the portals of a gate to reveal this this comes from G of lagash 2000 BC uh it's at that time that we have a Sumerian Resurgence but then income another group of Semitic people and become dominant at the time of U uh hamurabi is around 1750 BC and this is the time of the Gil gamish story and uh the uh loss of the serpent power from the uh individual it goes over to the serpents it's a very interesting story it's connected with the gilgames but that time they the cities are again having to defend themselves against more and more of these invading people the Hebrews come in then uh a good while later as uh raiding people again and you can read it in the Book of Genesis and I me the book of Exodus rather and in the judges of uh and Joshua of what happens to a city when these Warrior people come in and so you can see the wall is a very important protective feature and the city then as the culture unit with its Center and its spiritual life the center is always a temple so that the spiritual information is what coordinates and uh and uh validates the city

When I die. they won’t say anything but. “John Milius. who wrote Apocalypse Now, died this week.”

The screenplay started when I was in USC’s film school – the West Point of Hollywood -with George Lucas. We hadn’t met Francis yet. George and I were the two ringleaders at school, making student films and winning awards. George was sort of the good boy and I was the bad boy. I lived in my car. I was an anarchist surfer, a complete, consummate rebel and an anti-intellectual of the worst kind. I was threatened with dismissal every other day. I’ve always had a problem with authority.

The specter of the Vietnam War was hanging over all our heads. I was the only one who wanted to enlist – everybody else wanted to go to Canada or get married. I figured sooner or later I was going to go. so I signed up for the Marine Air Program, but I had asthma. so I washed out. Then I had to reconfigure my life because I hadn’t planned on living past twenty-six – nobody in the Sixties planned on living very long – and I had assumed my legacy would be a smoking hole in the ground over there.

Today in filmmaking there are mainly people who want to be famous, who aren’t driven by the need to tell a story. They just want the fame. Hack then. I never thought about the potential rewards of anything I did. I didn’t think about whether I was going to be paid, whether I was going to get a new BMW or a house in Bel Air or any of that kind of shit. I had what I needed. I had my surfboard. I was fit. I had girls. I was trained. I was a weapon. I just needed a mission. I was STRAC: Strategic. Tough. Ready Around the Clock.

At USC I had a writing teacher, Mr. Irwin Blacker, who gave that mission to me. He’d tell us exotic Hollywood stories, including one about how many filmmakers had tried to do Heart of Darkness – most notably Orson Welles – but that nobody had been able to lick it. I had read the book when I was seventeen and had loved it.

So that did it. I said. Not only am I going to do my Vietnam movie. I’m going to use Heart of Darkness as an allegory because if you’re going to be passing under the skeleton of an elephant, it will be much better if that skeleton is the tail of a downed B-52. I had the ambitious idea of going to Vietnam and shooting the film there.

When George tells this story, exaggerating everything, he’ll say Milius was really insane. The truth is. they all wanted to go. Cinéma vérité had become a popular idea then with the emergence of films like Medium Cool which had been shot during the riots at the ’68 Chicago Democratic convention.

We were going to do it dirt cheap: shoot a feature film in 16 millimeter in Vietnam while the war was going on -- Who knows, maybe we would have all been killed. 

Feed The Wolf Inside

Holo Security Officer : 

Our scans picked you out right away. 

A rigorous debrief is protocol for Terrans. 

Holo Security Officer 2 : 

We also know You're a Murderer in at least TWO Universes. 

Don't look at Him. Look at Us. 

Holo Security Officer :

So, this will be your second universe, your third timeline. 

Depends on how you look at it. 

Evil Georgiou :

I like to look at it like this -- 

Holo Security Officer 2 :

Why are you blinking? 

Evil Georgiou :

Why aren't you? 

Holo Security Officer :

What was Your Connection to Control? 

Evil Georgiou :

We Dated. 

Holo Security Officer 2 :

All Terrans are Duplicitous by Their Biology. 

Evil Georgiou :

Or Biplicitous by Our Duology. 

Holo Security Officer :

Neither "ology" has anything to do with it. 

You may not be aware, but in the past hundred years, 

We've discovered a chimeric strain on the subatomic level in The Terran stem cell. 

Evil Georgiou :

Silly Holo. You cannot rattle me 

by introducing a completely fabricated biological component 

to My Nastiness and Inherently Bad Behavior. 

I'm Extremely WICKED, even for a Terran. 

Holo Security Officer :

Who are you? 

Evil Georgiou :

What if You're NOT A Holo? 

Make her stop. 

Evil Georgiou :

What if You're A Human programmed 

to THINK He's A Holo? 

( Chuckles ) 

Big Glasses :

You broke My Holos. 

Evil Georgiou :

Blinking at their harmonic rate disrupts the holo protocols, 

creating a reference loop that shuts them down. 

Upgrade Your Programs and Stop Wasting My Time.

 

Why are You Wearing Glasses? 

Big Glasses :

Um, they make me look smarter. 

I Like 'em. 

Evil Georgiou :

....I MIGHT Decide to Like You -- 

Debrief as You Will. 

Big Glasses :

You're Curious about My Badge. 

Evil Georgiou :

I'm Bored. 

I Thought I could break it down for parts. 

Big Glasses :

Play with it. 

He removes his badge and rank insignia 

from his uniform, tossing it over and across the desk -- 

She CRUSHES it in her fist, 

letting it drop onto the desk and roll onto the floor, 

as a tight ball of twisted metal.

Big Glasses :

It's clear, Emperor, what you're capable of. 

What's NOT Clear to Me is 

Why You chose to come here. 

Evil Georgiou :

I Have a Curious Nature. 

Big Glasses :

Really? April 5 is My Birthday. 

A Terran Holy Day. April 5, 2063... 

first-ever contact between Terrans and a Vulcan survey ship. 

But then, Your People slaughtered everybody on board. 

Evil Georgiou :

Vulcans need to learn to stay in Their Lane sometimes. 

And it's not like it's a HIGH Holy Day. 

Big Glasses :

I've been fascinated by 

Terran History and Methodology

since I was a boy.

 

There are VERY FEW species 

that DO Things simply to DO them. 

Evil Georgiou :

We're mostly untroubled by pesky motivations. 

Except for Revenge. We Do Like That One. 

Big Glasses :

It seems you've created An Empire 

based on The Maxim, 

"Because We FEEL Like It." 

So WHY would you EVER join a Starfleet Crew? 

If you simply wanted 

to butcher them, You would have. 

Evil Georgiou :

Much as I enjoy being fetishized... and I Do... 

I'll Answer Your Questions if You Answer Mine first. 

Big Glasses :

No, You won't really do that. 

Evil Georgiou :

Correct. 

Big Glasses :

And even if You Did, You'd Lie. 

So the only way I'll glean ANY Information 

is via The Questions You Ask ME. 

So, please : -- 

Evil Georgiou :

Who's REALLY in Charge now? 

The Burn appeared to have been 

quite the humbling experience for The Federation. 

Who was responsible? 

Big Glasses :

That's Two Questions. 

Pick one. 

.....There are conflicting theories, 

but no hard proof pointing at any one particular Bad Guy. 

Evil Georgiou :

Sounds like The Federation lost a step. Or five. 

Big Glasses :

And yet it endures. Unlike The Terran Empire, which fell centuries ago. 

Were you aware that the distance between our two universes 

started expanding sometime after your departure? 

There hasn't been a single crossing in over 500 years. 

You didn't know that, did you? You're all alone now. 

Evil Georgiou :

I think... You and The Federation are afraid. 

Because whoever DID this must be Merciless. 

A Threat to Whatever or Whomever you hold Dear. 

The Weakness of People is generally Other People... isn't it? 

Big Glasses :

You're Not Wrong. 

But that could also explain 

Why You'd fall in line with Discovery. 

There's A Person on The Crew... 

You Care About, isn't there? 

The Mandarin Trickster

[Toymaker's office]
 
In a striking office a man is dressed 

in the bejewelled robes of a Chinese Mandarin. 

His surroundings, a strange mixture of ultramodern and ornate, 

include a large desk incorporating a control panel 

and an elegant triangular gaming table. 

 
TOYMAKER: 
You'll serve my purpose admirably. 
You're very good at games. 
Clowns always are. 

You can show Steven and Dodo some 

of your tricks into the bargain.


The man has selected a pair of toy clowns, 
one happy and one sad, 
from the nursery of a large Victorian dolls house. 

The Happy One is a girl dressed in a harlequin costume. 
The Sad One is a boy in a white baggy suit with ruffles and a cone-shaped clown hat. 

Now, before his eyes, the dolls begin to grow.

[Toyroom]

DODO: 

If you want to go, then you go, but I'm sure 

that The Doctor would. Doctor!

Old Grandfather : 

Hmm? What is it?

DODO: 

There you are!

STEVEN: 

We can see you! 

Everything's all right.

Old Grandfather : 

Oh, you can see me?

STEVEN + DODO: 

Yes!

Old Grandfather : 

Well, splendid. Splendid.

DODO: 

Oh, let's go now. 

It must have just been 

the Refusian influence after all.

STEVEN: 

What's this extraordinary place?

Old Grandfather : 

Well, I'm not quite sure, dear boy, 

but it's, it's somewhat familiar.

DODO: 

It looks dead boring to me. 

Come on.

Old Grandfather :  

No, wait, child, wait.

DODO: 

Why?

Old Grandfather : 

Well, I don't think it was the Refusian's influence 

that made me become intangible. 

No, I think it was something here, 

and I don't like the feel of the place 

anymore than you do 

but we have to face up to it. 

You know, I think I was 

meant to come here.

STEVEN: 

Hey! Look! That's me!

DODO: 

What is?

STEVEN: 

Here, on this screen!

DODO: 

What screen?

STEVEN: 

Here! That's me on the planet Kemble.

(To Dodo the screen is blank.)

DODO: 

There's nothing there!

Old Grandfather : 

But I believe I now know 

where we are.

STEVEN: 

It's changed again. 

There I am in Paris.

DOCTOR: 

Now turn around this instant! 

Turn away from it, dear boy! 

We're now in The World of 

The Celestial Toymaker, 

and that screen is hypnotic. 

He's trying to dominate 

your mind.

STEVEN: 

But, Doctor —

Old Grandfather : 

There is nothing there. 

Do you understand me? 

There is nothing there at all. 

You must believe me.

STEVEN: 

What was it? 

What happened?

DODO: 

What's the matter, Doctor? 

I couldn't see anything on the screen.

Old Grandfather : 

Come here, child. 

Now whatever you do, you must not 

allow yourself to be trapped 

into looking at it.

DODO: 

Who's the Celestial Toymaker?

Old Grandfather : 

He's a Power for Evil. 

He manipulates people and makes 

them into his playthings. 

Whatever you do, neither of you must 

look at that screen. 

It's A Trap.

(In place of the Tardis now stands the Mandarin.)

TOYMAKER: 

What a spoil-sport you are, Doctor. 

They like my memory window.

Old Grandfather : 

You! I might have guessed.

TOYMAKER: 

Of course. I've been waiting 

for you a long time.

DODO: 

Where's the Tardis?

TOYMAKER: 

Don't worry, my dear. 

Just watch over there.

(As Dodo looks at the screen, an image appears of a young girl wearing a school beret.)

DODO: 

It's me the day my mother died!
DOCTOR: 

Turn away from it this instant!

STEVEN: 

Look away.
(Steven pulls Dodo to himself.)

TOYMAKER: 

What a shame. I thought my little invention would amuse you.

DOCTOR: 

You and your inventions, ha! 

Now, both of you, be very careful. 

This place is a hidden menace. Nothing is just for fun.

STEVEN: 

What's the idea of it?

DOCTOR: 

He's trying to get us into His Power. 

That's why we've got to fight him.

DODO: 

Well can't we just go? 

I hate this place.

DOCTOR: 

My dear, but how? 

That is the question.

DODO: 

In the Tardis, of course, as always.

TOYMAKER: 

There are many of them. 

Take your choice.

(On screen, rows of Tardises are filing past as if on a conveyor belt.)

STEVEN: 

There are hundreds of them!

TOYMAKER: 

Yes, hundreds. Come, Doctor.

DOCTOR: 

No!

(Steven and Dodo turn round. The room is completely empty.)

STEVEN: 

Doctor!
DODO: 

Have you gone invisible again?
STEVEN: No, he's gone. That man has taken him away.
DODO: I don't like it. We should never have stayed.
STEVEN: It's too late now.
DODO: Who was that man?
STEVEN: I don't know. But we've got to find the Doctor.
(The only door in the room suddenly opens and two clowns enter the room on tiptoe.)
STEVEN: What on Earth?
DODO: Shhh! Shhh! Steven.
STEVEN: But why have I got to be quiet?
(Joey, the sad clown offers Steven his hand which comes away in Steven's own, as Clara, the happy clown pops a balloon with a hat pin. The newcomers mime convulsive laughter. Dodo giggles.)
STEVEN: Very funny. Don't see what you've got to laugh about.
DODO: If you could only see your face with that hand.
(Joey presents Dodo with a bouquet.)
DODO: For me? (honk) Oh thanks. No one's ever given me flowers before.
(As she leans in to smell them, a jet of water squirts in her face. It's Steven's turn to be amused.)
STEVEN: If you could just see your face.
DODO: I'm not sure that I like these clowns.
STEVEN: Look, can either of you talk? (honk) Well, how about you?
CLARA: (very high pitched) Yes, I can talk. How are you?
(Carmen Silvera long before 'Allo, Allo.)
STEVEN: I'm fine. But what do you want with us?
TOYMAKER: They're here to entertain you. Play a game with you.
STEVEN: Well, thank you very much. We've been entertained. We don't want to play your games. Now where have you taken the Doctor?
TOYMAKER: Taken the Doctor? Nowhere, my dear chap. The Doctor and I are going to play a little game together. You can watch the results on that board.
(He points to the screen.)
TOYMAKER: But you must win all your games before he does.
STEVEN: Look, we're not interested in your games. We want to go back to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: That's impossible.
STEVEN: Impossible?
TOYMAKER: Well, not quite impossible, but you'll have to win a few games first. After each game, if you win, you will find a Tardis, which may or may not be the real one.
STEVEN: What do you mean, the real one?
TOYMAKER: As you have seen, I have many copies.
DODO: So we have to win a game before we can get to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: Right. Several games, in fact.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: Then you both stay here as my guests.
DODO: We'd better play his silly games, Steven.
STEVEN: I don't see why we should humour him. He's obviously around the bend.
DODO: That's just it. If we don't do as he says, we may never get out of here.
TOYMAKER: Well?
STEVEN: All right, we'll play your little games. But if we win, we get the Tardis back, okay?
TOYMAKER: Agreed.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: You'll never see the Tardis again.
(The Toymaker vanishes.)
STEVEN: Wait!
DODO: You never asked him about the Doctor.
STEVEN: Oh, he's probably got his game to play. I'm glad we're not playing that one.
DODO: What are we playing?
CLARA: Blind Man's Buff!

[Toymaker's office]

(The Toymaker and the Doctor face each other across the triangular table.)
DOCTOR: You will kindly cease this practical joking, and let us go at once.
TOYMAKER: Patience, Doctor, patience. You've only just got here. Relax. It's so nice to see you again.
DOCTOR: And now you have, so let us go.
TOYMAKER: You're so innocent, Doctor. The last time you were here, I hoped you'd stay long enough for a game, but you had hardly time to turn around.
DOCTOR: And very wise I was, too. You and your games are quite notorious. You draw people here like a spider does to flies.
TOYMAKER: How absurd. It amuses me to give amusement.
DOCTOR: And should they lose the game they play, you condemn them to become your toy forever.
TOYMAKER: That is one of my rules, certainly. But if they win, they're perfectly free to go.
DOCTOR: And if I refuse?
TOYMAKER: Then you lose by default. Is that what you choose?
DOCTOR: No, I do not. I should never have left the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: You're so insatiably curious. That's why I ensured that the scanner would be blank. I knew that would bring you out.
DOCTOR: Another one of your conjuring tricks. What game is it you want me to play?
(The Toymaker indicates the table.)
TOYMAKER: This.
(Each of the three corners is inlaid with a letter, A B and C.)
DOCTOR: The trilogic game?
TOYMAKER: The trilogic game. A game for the mind, Doctor, the developed mind. Difficult for the practiced mind. Dangerous for the mind that has become old, lazy or weak.
DOCTOR: You infer that my mind is getting weak and old?
TOYMAKER: Well now, we shall see. Perhaps it is merely lazy.
DOCTOR: How dare you.
TOYMAKER: So you still think that you can pit your mind against mine?
DOCTOR: Of course I can.
TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys. But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together, your brain against mine.
DOCTOR: As you said, if I win the game, I can go.
TOYMAKER: So you can, Doctor, so you can. But I think you will lose. Can you remember how to play?
(Ten triangular playing counters stacked in a pyramid now appear on corner A, with number 1, the smallest, at the top.)
DOCTOR: I am only allowed to move one piece at a time.
TOYMAKER: That is right. And you must rearrange them in the same order that they are now on point C.
DOCTOR: And I am not permitted to put a larger piece on a small piece.
TOYMAKER: Correct. And you have 1,023 moves to do it in. That is the exact amount. If you make one mistake, you lose. And to help you count, there.
(He indicates a tally recorder.)
TOYMAKER: When the two rows of numbers match, the game is over.
(The top row reads 1023, the bottom 0.)
DOCTOR: I see. Can I begin?
TOYMAKER: Don't be so impatient, Doctor.
(He points to a monitor on the wall.)
TOYMAKER> There. We mustn't forget them.
DOCTOR: You are not asking them to play this game.
TOYMAKER: Good heavens, no. They are on the competitive quest.
DOCTOR: Competitive? And who are the others?
TOYMAKER: Two clown friends of mine. They are the home team. They will play against your friends and win the quest.
DOCTOR: Quest? What quest?
TOYMAKER: The hunt for the Tardis. Win the games, and you get it back.

[Toyroom]

(Thanks to the efforts of the two clowns, the floor of the toyroom now resembles a huge board game with a series of obstacles laid out between Start and Home.)
DODO: It's rather like a Snakes and Ladders set I used to have.
STEVEN: Looks crazy to me.
DODO: Oh, go on, have a go. It looks fun.
STEVEN: What, me on that? Not on your life.
DODO: But this is the game we have to play, right?
CLARA: This is your game.
STEVEN: Right, then you play it.
CLARA: Oh no! You must play it. It's all quite simple. You start here, blindfold.
STEVEN: You must be joking. Kids game.
DODO: Steven! Go on.
CLARA: You have to cross these obstacles without falling down. And if you get home without falling down, you win the game.
STEVEN: And what's old What's-His-Name there going to be doing all this time?
CLARA: His name is Joey. I'm Clara. He will play it too, of course.
STEVEN: And if he loses? No answer that time. And what happens if we both manage it?
CLARA: Then we play it again until someone loses.
STEVEN: Oh, it's a great future the Toymaker's got mapped out for us. All right, chum, you want to show me how it's done? (honk, bell, honk, bell) That means yes, I suppose. (honk)
(Clara ties a blindfold over Joey's eyes and guides him onto the start position. The first obstacle is a set of pinnacles over which Joey must swing on a rope.)
CLARA: You must come with me.
(She leads Steven and Dodo into a glass-fronted booth. Inside is a control panel.)
CLARA: This is where we control them. One buzz for right turn, two for left, three to stop, four to start.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey feels for the rope, unties it and swings across the pinnacles, landing sure-footedly on the first of a series of stepping stones, the second obstacle. He steps confidently from one stone to the next.)

[Toymaker's office]

(Watching the monitor alone, the Doctor finds a communication switch.)
DOCTOR: Dodo? Steven? This is the Doctor. The game you're going to play is not so innocent as it looks. Be on your guard.

[Toyroom]

DOCTOR [OC]: If you lose this game, we shall be here forever. So watch out for

[Toymaker's office]

TOYMAKER: That was unwise of you, Doctor.
(The Toymaker's flicked the switch.)
DOCTOR: I must warn them.
TOYMAKER: Attend to your own game. Go from move 152.
(Seemingly of their own volition, the counters and tally move as the Toymaker has commanded.)
TOYMAKER: Keep playing, Doctor. And to stop you interfering, I shall have to dematerialise you again. There.
(Once again, the Doctor is intangible.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You are overreaching yourself, Toymaker. How can I play this game?
TOYMAKER: Let's see. Suppose we leave you one hand, there. I suggest you resume the game.
(The Doctor's disembodied hand hovers over the table. With great dignity he takes counter 1 from B and places it on C, then moves counter 2 from B to A.)
TOYMAKER: I thought you'd see it my way, Doctor.

[Toyroom]

(Joey has completed the third and fourth obstacles, and reaches Home.)
CLARA: We won! We won!
STEVEN: Just a minute. I haven't had a go yet.
DODO: But the Doctor warned us.
STEVEN: It's all right, I can manage it. Rope, five stones, steps, plank, tube. Now I can do it if you can guide me. After all, he can do it. And you remember the directions?
DODO: Right, one buzz. Left, two buzzes. Four to start and three to stop.
(Leaving Dodo in the booth, Steven positions himself at the start of the course. Clara ties on his blindfold.)
CLARA: Can you see?
STEVEN: Not a thing. Right, I'm ready.
(Clara joins Dodo whilst Joey hovers nonchalantly around the course.)
CLARA: Ready now.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. As Steven prepares to rope swing across to the stepping stones, Joey nudges the first stone out of position.)
DODO: Look what he's doing! Cheat! You cheat! Steven, look out!
CLARA: He can't hear you! The door's self-locking!
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: Dodo, be careful. You nearly made me fall that time.
(Steven swings across but his feet find nothing on the other side.)
STEVEN: What have you done now, you clown, you?
(Honk, buzz)
STEVEN: One right. One right?
(He swings again, this time landing safely.)
STEVEN: Phew, that was close. (honk) Yes, you'll honk when I get this blindfold off. Now he's moved another. He moved the first to the right, he's moved the second to the left.
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: No, what now? (buzz) To the right? (honk) You wait!
(With Joey continuing to disrupt the course, Steven is forced to listen carefully to Dodo's signals as he gingerly negotiates the other stones. Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Eventually Steven steps off the final stone onto a stepladder and sits down to mop his brow.)
DODO: I don't see how he has a chance of winning if you cheat all the time.
CLARA: Cheat? Oh no. It's just a few variations. It makes it more fun.
(For the next stage, Steven must cross a plank mounted between two sets of steps. As he's edging along, Joey tries to distract him.)
STEVEN: What was that? (honk) You again. I warn you! (honk) Games with clowns.
(He reaches the end and begins to climb down. The final obstacle is a large flexible tube which he must pass through in order to reach home. Buzz buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.) DODO: He's far too big to squeeze through that tube.
CLARA: Joey did.
DODO: But suppose he gets stuck half way, what then?
(Once Steven has entered the tube, Joey drags the other end round to form a U shape.)
DODO: Look what he's done! It's not fair!
CLARA: He goes back to the start!
DODO: And you think that's fair? Let me out of here! Open the door!
CLARA: I can't!
DODO: Oh, you're just like a doll! A rag doll! I don't think this funny at all.
(Emerging from the end of the tube, Steven feels for the table marking Home. Instead, he finds the steps again.)
STEVEN: Oh, no!
(He tears off the blindfold.)
STEVEN: Look, I warned you!
CLARA: We won! We won!
DODO: You cheated. Steven completed the course.
CLARA: We won! Now you'll never find the Tardis!
STEVEN: Look, it's a draw. Now let's do it again, this time with him in the booth!
CLARA: The winner!
DODO: Steven, look at this! You can see right through it. It's not a real blindfold at all!
(The two clowns look crestfallen.)
STEVEN: No wonder you were able to run round the course so easily. And now we'll try it again, only this time with a real blindfold. Not so fast! Here, put that on him. You'd better go in the booth to guide him.
(Clara obeys whilst Dodo ties the genuine blindfold round Joey's head. The room has grown darker and the clowns are suddenly sombre.)
STEVEN: Right. Now we'll play The Toymaker's little game fairly. Go on, Dodo, start him off.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey begins the course once again, guided by Clara's signals.)
DODO: Steven, I'm frightened. Have you noticed he's not funny anymore?
(Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The clown teeters precariously on the plank.)
DODO: Steven, you'd better stop him. He'll fall.
STEVEN: We can't stop him. It's him or us. Go on. You can't stop now!
(As Joey continues, his movements grow still and slow, until finally he topples over. In the booth, Clara is slumped lifeless over the controls. Suddenly all the lights go off, there's a loud thunderclap, and there illuminated at the far end of the room is the Tardis.)
STEVEN: Come on.
DODO: It can't be empty!
STEVEN: It is.
(There's only a blank cupboard behind the doors.)
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: What's that?
(It's a piece of paper. Dodo reads.)
DODO: Four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back. Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice. What does it mean?
STEVEN: A riddle. Look, here's a way out.
DODO: Perhaps this is to tell us where the Tardis is.
STEVEN: Or perhaps it's just another game. Anyway, we've got to find out.
(An exit has opened up at the back of the cupboard. Before following Steven through, Dodo glances back at the clowns. Twisted wooden dolls return to their proper size. With a shudder, she runs from the room.)

Episode Two - The Hall of Dolls

[Cupboard]

(Steven and Dodo face yet another panelled door, this one heavily bolted and with a sign saying 'Pull to open.' One panel shows a numeric display.)
DODO: This is the next game?
STEVEN: No. We'll find the next game behind this door.
DODO: How can you be sure?
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: The Doctor's move recorder for his game.
STEVEN: Yes, I know. This door's here to delay us. I think we're meant to try to get it open. The Toymaker's hoping that we'll waste time.
(They undo all of the locks.)
STEVEN: That should do it. It won't open.
DODO: But it must. What's wrong with it? I know, let's pull instead.
(They do so, and the door flies open, offering them a view of the first Chair Room.)

[Toymaker's study]

(The Doctor's hand makes his 417th move.)
DOCTOR: I haven't made a mistake yet.
TOYMAKER: Let's hope not, Doctor. I would hate you to end up in my dolls' house. I reserve that fate for your two friends.
DOCTOR: They'll win, too.
TOYMAKER: No, they will lose one game, and then, like the clowns, they'll become my toys, and we shall be able to amuse ourselves through all eternity.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
TOYMAKER: You remember the agreement? They must find your Tardis before you finish your game. If they don't, then you will have to stay here and you'll be in my power forever. Look, they've already reached their next test.
DOCTOR: That game? I might have known.
(The hand presses a communicator.)
DOCTOR: Steven! Dodo! Take care. It's chair number
TOYMAKER: You fool! Now I have been forced to make you dumb as well as intangible. You cannot speak until you have reached the second to last move of the trilogic game. Now then, let them play their games whilst you play yours. Go from move 444. And no more clever tricks, if you please.
(As the counters move themselves into new positions, the Toymaker spreads a pack of playing cards on his desk.)
TOYMAKER: Your friends managed to outwit my clowns. I shall have to find more worthy opponents for them. There. I think perhaps the Heart family. They have great experience in a great variety of games.

[First Chair room]

STEVEN: The Doctor was trying to warn us.
TOYMAKER: I'm seriously annoyed with your friend. Once again, he tried to talk to you, so I've had to deprive him of his voice. Let it be a warning to you. Play the games according to the rules I set, or give up now.
STEVEN: The rules you set? Your own players break them. They cheat!
DODO: 

How can we believe anything you say? Everything here is so strange.
STEVEN: We can't even be certain that that was the Doctor's voice we heard at all. It could have been you leading us toward another trap.
TOYMAKER: I'm glad to see you're at last treating me with respect.
DODO: Only as long as you have the Doctor. After that, we'll see
STEVEN: Forget it, Dodo, he's gone.
(The room contains three elaborate numbered thrones.)
STEVEN: What odd looking chairs. Perhaps these are what the Doctor was trying to warn us about.
QUEEN: Is this the room? Is this the room, I said.
(Carmen Silvera in another role.)
KING: Oh, er I think so, my dear.
(Joey the clown reborn)
QUEEN: And I suppose these are the people we have to play against.
KING: Hmm? Oh! Oh! Peasants, my dear.
QUEEN: Peasants!
STEVEN: Just a minute. Who do you think you're calling a peasant?
DODO: Steven, don't you see who they are?
STEVEN: Well, yes, they do look familiar.
DODO: They're playing cards. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards.
STEVEN: The Toymaker's warped sense of humour, I suppose.
QUEEN: None of these look in the least like your throne.
KING: Hmmm? No, no, no, they don't, do we my dear. Although the Toymaker did say we'd find them in here, didn't he?
STEVEN: What was that riddle again?
DODO: Er, four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back.
STEVEN: That must be these chairs.
DODO: But what about the rest of it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice.
STEVEN: Hmmm. Well that can't be the chairs. There are only three of them.
QUEEN: You're not paying the least attention again. I warned you, if we don't find that throne, he'll keep us here. We shall remain playing cards for the rest of eternity.
KING: Ah! Very good point, my dear. Yes, yes, we must find the throne.
DODO: What do you make of them? They seem almost like real people.
STEVEN: Oh, ignore them. They're sent here to distract us. Let's take a look through here.
QUEEN: Where's that Knave? Cyril! Cyril! Tormenting the Joker again I'll be bound.
(The Knave of Hearts, Cyril, enters with the Joker.
JOKER: Did you have to give him that sword?
QUEEN: Quiet, Fool. Cyril, what are you doing?
CYRIL: Nothing. Just playing with the Fool. I'm hungry.
(This ought to be Gerald Campion aka Billy Bunter, but it's not. Looks and sounds very similar though. Younger readers, think Christopher Biggins. If you must.)
KING: Ho, ho! The boy's always hungry.
JOKER: He's a pig.
QUEEN: What did you say?
JOKER: I said, give him a fig. I thought there was a throne to find.
QUEEN: So there is. Where have those peasants gone?
KING: Hmm? Oh, through that door, my dear.
QUEEN: Why didn't you tell me?
KING: Well, you never asked, me dear.
QUEEN: We must follow them at once.
KING: Oh.
QUEEN: Fool, you stay here and look after these chairs.
KING: Oh, but, now that the Fool is here, don't you think we could have a joke or two?
QUEEN: No! Come on.
KING: Oh, well, then, a riddle then? Or a merry quip?
QUEEN: Are you coming?
KING: Oh, yes, my dear.

[Second Chair room]

(Steven and Dodo have slipped away down a side passage. They find themselves in a second chair room containing four more chairs numbered from four to seven. Set into the walls are four familiar looking cupboards.)
STEVEN: Dodo! Four in here, three in there. It must be the chairs. What is it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice. I suppose that means six of them are dangerous.
DODO: And only one is the right one.
STEVEN: We'll have to find out which one by elimination. But how? And how dangerous are they?
DODO: No, Steven, don't.
STEVEN: Why? What's wrong?
DODO: Don't risk it. None of the Toymakers' toys are just jokes. Six of these chairs will destroy us.
STEVEN: It's a charming thought, but you're probably right. But Dodo, have you noticed all these cupboards? They're all exactly the same shape as the Tardis.
DODO: Yes, but they could be as dangerous as the chairs.
STEVEN: No, I don't think so. There are only four, and there weren't any in the other room.
(He opens the first cupboard. Dodo screams.)
STEVEN: It's all right, they're only dolls.
DODO: I've got it. We'll use the dolls to sit in the chairs. If we've got enough that is. That's four here, and these three make up the seven.
STEVEN: Don't touch them!
DODO: Why? What's wrong?
STEVEN: Well, they may be dangerous, too.
DODO: But the riddle said six deadly sisters, and some of these are men dolls.
STEVEN: What was the last line again?
DODO: Erm, call the servants without voice. But you can't call someone without speaking.
STEVEN: But they haven't got voices. We have. Dolls, come out! Look, they must be the servants. Maybe it's some poetic term, the call bit.
(When none of the mannequins stir, Steven pulls four of them out onto the floor.)
STEVEN: Nothing's happened yet. Well, if we can get them all out before the king and queen get here, we can test the chairs.
DODO: Wait. With seven dolls in three cupboards, what's the other one for?
STEVEN: Perhaps that might be the real Tardis.
(Whilst they're examining the cupboard the other door slides shut, leaving three dolls still inside.)
DODO: It won't open.
STEVEN: Of course, the Doctor's got the key. Come on, look!
(He points to a game tally.)
STEVEN: The Doctor's more than half way through his game already. We've got to find out what we've got to do here first, quick, before the others arrive.
QUEEN: Ah, the peasants again. Caught you in the act. What are you up to?
KING: Oh, they seem to be playing with dolls, my dear.
QUEEN: I can see that. The point is, what are they doing with them?
DODO: They seem very real. We're going to use the dolls to test the chairs.
QUEEN: To test them?
DODO: Yes. Six of them are dangerous and only one is safe. You know, I feel very foolish talking to a playing card.
QUEEN: A playing card?
DODO: Well, aren't you?
STEVEN: Dodo, it's useless talking to them. They're just products of the Toymaker's imagination.
QUEEN: We're as real as you are. Henry.
KING: Oh, er, yes, my dear?
QUEEN: Come here.
KING: Yes, my dear.
QUEEN: Let this wretched child feel your arm.
KING: Feel my arm?
QUEEN: There, child. Isn't that an arm? Not much of one, I grant you, but nevertheless, a real arm.
DODO: It is, Steven, these are real people. Feel his arm.
STEVEN: No, I'll take your word for it. Look, if you're real people, what are you doing here? And why are you wearing those ridiculous clothes?
KING: Ah yes, well, it would take a little too long to explain, my boy. The fact is that we are victims of the Toymaker, the same as you are. For instance, if I were to sit in this chair.
QUEEN: Henry, no! We don't know.
KING: Oh! Oh, no, no, no, we don't, do we?
QUEEN: We must use the dolls. We'll each choose a doll in turn, and then we'll take it in turn to test the chairs, that way we'll find the answer even quicker.
DODO: We found the dolls. They're ours. And we're supposed to be playing against you.
QUEEN: But that doesn't seem right. There are four dolls and four of us. We must be meant to have one each. That's only fair.
KING: And then we can test the dolls sitting in the chair before doing so ourselves?
DODO: What do you mean, one each? What about
STEVEN: It's all right, Dodo.
DODO: Yes, but what about
STEVEN: It'll be all right. Now never mind and keep quiet. All right, go ahead. Choose your dolls.
DODO: But I don't understand. What about the others?

KING: 

Oh, no no no, don't fuss yourself, m'dear. 

The point of the game is to see 

who picks the chair which isn't dangerous, 

and whoever does that is the winner. 

If it's you, you'll get your Tardis back, and if it is us, 

we get our liberty.

STEVEN: 

Now, he's right Dodo. Now go on, choose your doll, and keep quiet. We'll try our luck in the other room.
DODO: Oh, very well.
KING: Oh, are you going, m'dear?
STEVEN: We'll see you later.
QUEEN: I thought we were all supposed to play this game together?
STEVEN: Well as there are seven chairs, I thought that Dodo and I might try our luck in the other room. That way we'll all have an equal chance.
KING: Ah, yes, yes, yes, certainly my boy, yes, anything you like. Yes, well, good luck.
STEVEN: Come on, Dodo.
DODO: All right, I'm just coming. They're so big.
(Armed with a doll each, Steven and Dodo take their leave.)
KING: Charming couple, aren't they?
QUEEN: It isn't very charming to be told you're not real. We were not amused. Well, which chair do you suggest?
KING: Yes, well, none of them look like the throne, do they m'dear?
QUEEN: Well, then you must pick one at random.
KING: Ah, yes of course, random, yes, yes. Ah, now.
(The King closes his eyes and is about to sit in chair seven.)
KING; Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a nigger by the toe. Ah!
QUEEN: No, Henry! Put the doll in it.
KING: Oh, the doll, yes, quite right, yes, my dear, of course, the doll. Ah, here we are then. Now then, we'll take the doll and then. Oof. I say, it's rather heavy, my dear. Nearly as heavy as I am, I've no doubt that this will be perfectly good test for the
(A metal clamp secures the doll and it begins to vibrate furiously.)
QUEEN: Henry!

[First Chair room]

(The Joker and Cyril are asleep in the first room.)
STEVEN: Oh, no. Not more playing cards.
DODO: They look rather sweet, don't they? A Jack and a Joker.
STEVEN: Leave them alone and concentrate. You nearly gave the game away in the other room. They think that there are only four dolls. Now if everyone chooses the wrong chair with those dolls, we're going to need the extra ones to find the right chair.
DODO: Is that fair? They seem quite nice and friendly.
STEVEN: Can't you understand? We've got to win every game, otherwise we'll never see the Tardis again. This isn't a children's party.
DODO: Well, I'm sure if you explained that then the King and Queen would help us.
STEVEN: Oh, Dodo, they belong to the Toymaker, remember that. He wants to keep us here. At any rate, the Doctor.
DODO: Why?
STEVEN: I don't know, and it doesn't matter. But we've got to find the Tardis before the Doctor finishes the game he's playing. Right. Throw your doll into a chair.
DODO: Throw it?
STEVEN: Yes. Six of these chairs are deadly, remember that. I don't want to see either of us caught out by one of those. Now throw it.
DODO: Very well.
(As the doll makes contact with chair number three, there's a blinding flash.)
DODO: What happened?
STEVEN: It was some sort of electrocution! That could've been us.
DODO: Yes. I see what you mean about this not being a children's party.
CYRIL: A party? Is it tea time, already? Mmmm, I smell crumpets toasting. What's that?
DODO: Oh, don't be scared of us.
(Seeing the burnt doll, the awakened Cyril takes flight down the passageway.)
STEVEN: All right, stand by. I'm going to try chair number one.
(STEVEN throws his doll onto the chair. As it hits, a fearsome blade shoots across the back of the chair, cutting the toy in two. Part of it topples to one side and falls to the floor.)
DODO: It's horrible! The Toymaker must be mad! Do you really think he means to kill us?
STEVEN: What do you think?
DODO: Well, what do we do now?
STEVEN: Well, we've got to get the other dolls. We've got to get out of this place.
DODO: We can't go in there!
STEVEN: Why?
DODO: Or they'll know about the three extra dolls then.

[Second Chair room]

(The King's doll is being shaken to pieces.)
QUEEN: Henry, turn the thing off.
KING: I don't think I can get near enough, my dear.
CYRIL: I wish you'd stop this silly game!
KING: Father's a very nice chair here for you, my boy.
CYRIL: Mother! Did you hear what he said?
QUEEN: Henry!
KING: Well, just a harmless little joke, my dear. Yes, well, I suppose we'd better try the doll in it, don't you think? Now then, upsa dazy. We shall try the doll in this chair now.
(He throws the remaining doll onto the chair number four. Both it and the chair slowly fade away.)
KING: Oh dear! It's, it's disappeared!
QUEEN: I can see that! Well, that leaves us with chairs number five and six. What do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, I suppose we'd better see how that young couple are getting on in their room.
QUEEN: Well, they can't have succeeded. We'd have had a visit from the Toymaker if they had.
KING: Ah, yes, yes. Oh, we need two more dolls. Ah, yes, a pity. I know, the Fool!
QUEEN: Oh really, Henry. How you can think of entertainment at a time like this? Oh yes, of course. I see. The Fool!
KING: Precisely, my dear.
(The King offers his arm to the Queen, and they leave the room. Left alone, Cyril glances fearfully at the chairs before scuttling after the other cards.)
CYRIL: Mother! Mother!

[First Chair room]

DODO: Be careful.
STEVEN: No, it's no use. I can't tell a thing just by looking at it. We'll have to get those other dolls.
DODO: The King and Queen are coming.
STEVEN: Good, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try to distract them. You step into the other room and test the chairs. If they're both deadly, then this must be the right one.
KING: Ahh! Still one chair left to try, I see.
QUEEN: Why don't you try it, girl?
DODO: Why don't you?
STEVEN: Haven't you had any luck either? And no more dolls. Well it looks like stalemate, doesn't it?
KING: Ah! Not quite, my boy. Oh no, I still have one card to play, if you'll excuse the expression.
(He nudges the Joker awake with his foot.)
JOKER: Oh, what goes up the chimney down, and can't come down the chimney up?
KING: Down the chimney. Oh no, no, no, my dear fellow, no, no not work. We want your advice, don't we my dear?
QUEEN: Advice? From a Fool?
KING: We still have to pick a throne, my dear. Ah, now then, my dear fellow, for instance, what do you think of this chair?
STEVEN: No, you don't. Not this one.
DODO: Steven, the cupboard with the other three dolls. It's locked. I can't open it.
STEVEN: But you must. It was open before.
QUEEN: Three more dolls?
KING: And you kept them from us?
QUEEN: Cheats!
KING: Oh, dear, dear.
STEVEN: Oh, you can talk after what you were about to do to this poor fellow.
JOKER: Poor fellow? What's that?
KING: Oh, nothing, my dear chap. Now, er, come with us. We can't leave you in such company.
QUEEN: Certainly not.
KING: Come on, my dear fellow.
QUEEN: Come, Cyril!
(The four playing cards proceed to the second chair room.)
STEVEN: Now you've done it. You've handed them the game right on a platter. If this isn't the real chair, we've lost the game.
DODO: I don't see that.
STEVEN: Look, they've got two more chairs to test. They get the Joker to sit on one. If this isn't the right chair, then the other one must be.
(Steven turns away in disgust. Dodo looks at him sadly, then moves over to chair number two and starts to sit down.)

[Toymaker's office]

TOYMAKER: You've been moving along very satisfactorily. It's especially commendable considering that young Dodo has chosen to sit in the wrong chair. The freezing chair.

[First Chair room]

STEVEN: Dodo, you fool!
DODO: Steven, I feel cold all the way through.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: Help me. I'm freezing. I can't move.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: I can't!
STEVEN: Look, try. You must. You must try.
DODO: I think I'm turning to ice, Steven.
STEVEN: Fight the cold. Fight it, Dodo. You've got to get out of that chair. Now fight it!
DODO: It's no use.
STEVEN: Look, you must try. We've got to concentrate together.
DODO: We can't.
STEVEN: We must. Now!
(She grasps his outstretched hand, and he too begins to freeze. Yet with great effort he manages to pull Dodo away.)
DODO: Oh, thank you. You did it.
STEVEN: Oh, we did it together.
DODO: Oh no, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't move.
STEVEN: Thank goodness you're safe. The Doctor would never have forgiven me if anything had happened to you.
DODO: But, Steven, we've lost.

[Second Chair room]

KING: Well, there's a much better choice in here. Now give us your honest opinion. Which is the better chair?
JOKER: Well, sire, I think, er, perhaps that one.
KING: Number six? Good, good. Well, it is not possible really to test a chair by just looking at it. 

QUEEN: 

Well, come on, Fool. We haven't got all day.

JOKER: 

Oh, poor fellow. Poor fellow.

(The Joker stops and turns to look at the giggling Knave.)

JOKER: 

What's he laughing at?

QUEEN: 

He wasn't laughing, were you?

JOKER: 

And they call me a fool.

KING: 

Well, look, sit down, my dear fellow.

JOKER: 

Oh, not on your life, sire. A joke's a joke. I'm giving notice. You can try out your chairs for yourself.

(The Joker leaves hurriedly. The King moves threateningly towards Cyril, who takes flight after the Joker.)
KING: Huh, Your son, I think, my dear.
QUEEN: Well, what do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, there's nothing else for it. You'll have to try out the chair.
QUEEN: I?
KING: Well, one of us will have to. I know, we'll draw matches.
QUEEN: No, I don't trust your matches. We will toss for it. Heads! Ah!
KING: You forget, my dear. I know that coin. It's got two heads.
QUEEN: Then.
KING: 

We will both sit in it.
QUEEN: 

And if we go, we go together.
KING: 

My love.
(Hand in hand, they walk across to chair number six and sit down.)
 

KING: 

Nothing happened.

QUEEN: 

It's all right.

KING: 

We worried for nothing.

Suddenly the chair collapses inwards. Steven and Dodo return to find the Hearts imprisoned.

The Waiter Test

There was one time when we were children, he... he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows that I love snakes, so I went to pick up the snake to admire it, and he transformed back into himself and he was like, 

"Mblergh!!, it's me!" 

And Then He Stabbed Me. 

We were eight at the time. 

[Loki smiles fondly at the memory]

“I want to talk about a little-mentioned red flag, but one of the easiest ones to spot early in a relationship. Most narcissists are rude to servicepeople and others they see as beneath them. My ex was notoriously rude to servicepeople, always screaming at customer service people, even if the problem wasn’t their fault. He was also rude to wait staff in restaurants, to the point it was embarrassing going out to dinner with him. He was unreasonably demanding, condescending, and treated wait staff as if they were mentally deficient. With attractive female wait staff, his rudeness was of a sexual character–he openly flirted with young waitresses, even though I was watching. I think he did this because he knew it would bother me.  He also did it because he knew his target was a sitting duck and might be fired or reprimanded if she objected to the flirtatious behavior (which wasn’t so over the top if could be called sexual harassment).

My parents were always rude to service people too. My mother embarrassed me constantly with her relentless, unreasonable demands in restaurants and loud criticism and insults toward anyone she thought was beneath her, which was almost everyone. I remember the time we went to Charleston, SC in the early ’90s. We took a tour bus through the downtown area. The bus driver gave us information about historical homes in the area as we passed them. My mother was bored, so to relieve her boredom (and to get attention), she began to loudly argue with the bus driver, telling him why he was wrong and to get his facts straight. People stared at her, horrified at how rude she was being. The bus driver looked like he wanted to cry. I wanted to sink through the bus floor. I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible to avoid being associated with such a rude, arrogant, person.

Another time, I went to visit her in a motel when she had come to visit. My mother isn’t wealthy (although she always had upper-class pretentions), and could only afford a fairly inexpensive chain motel near the Interstate. A Mexican family was staying next door to her room and as we made our way to the motel pool, the Mexican family came out with their 3 kids. A little boy, probably three or four, started talking to my mother in Spanish, and she shooed him away as if he was a bug. The little boy looked hurt, and I felt sorry for him. I gave the boy’s mother a sheepish, apologetic look. The kids ran past. The little girl accidentally brushed past my mother, and she started making “ugh” sounds and wiping her skirt as if it was contaminated. She didn’t like this family for two reasons: 1. she regarded them as being of low social status, and 2. They were Mexican.

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This brings me to racism, which is related, because racists regard “those other people” as being of a lower social status, and sometimes not even quite human. Seeing others as beneath them or even as like animals absolves them of any guilt they might otherwise have in treating another person like dirt.

Racism is common in narcissists. I think most people who are racist probably are narcissistic if not straight up narcissists. Of course, some people are racists because they were raised to be that way, and it is more common in older generations than younger ones. But I think it’s a lot more prevalent in people with a lot of narcissistic traits.

These same people are likely to fawn all over those they see as being “worthy” or of a higher social status (even though they might secretly hate them). Narcissists are snobs, but they are only snobs because they secretly hate themselves and must put other people down to feel better about themselves.

It’s also my opinion that most people who demean the poor and blame them for their poverty, calling them “lazy” or “stupid” or insisting they “chose to be poor” are probably narcissists or at least have a lot of those traits.

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If you see any of the following behaviors after meeting someone, run! These are all red flags.

1. Rude, condescending or unnecessarily critical of wait staff or servicepeople. I am not including anger at a serviceperson because they legitimately screwed up or were rude themselves.

2. Calling attention to oneself by loudly arguing with servicepeople, making sure everyone hears.

3. Does not care if they embarrass you. If you tell them to chill or keep things toned down, they are likely to turn their anger on you.

4. Unwarranted personal insults toward servicepeople, including customer service representatives and technical support people.

5. Threatening a serviceperson even though the problem was not their fault. For example, threatening to sue a store clerk for demanding to see ID (which is a required part of their job).

6. Acting like a serviceperson or person of another race or nationality is beneath them and not worthy of respectful, polite behavior.

7. Racist, sexist, or ethnic jokes meant to insult their targets (or call attention to themselves).

8. Insulting someone of lower social status, coexisting with fawning behavior toward someone of higher social status. If an encounter with a higher status person immediately follows one with a lower status person (or vice versa), they will appear to have a Jekyll-Hyde personality. This is common in the workplace. Beware of narcissistic bosses who look down on you because of your lower position in the company. Of course, they will do anything they can to keep you from getting ahead.

9. Openly flirtatious behavior toward servicepeople or wait staff in front of a date or spouse.  This is a double whammy, intended to upset the partner(the behavior is usually subtle enough it can be denied later and the partner told they are being paranoid or imagining things), and intimidate or humiliate the service person (again, it’s likely to be subtle enough that it doesn’t qualify as sexual harassment