Lies My Parents Told Me

Lying to Children | With Helen Joyce

Escape from The Planet of the Apes (1971) - Clip

It's About Faith.

The Substance of Things Hoped-for, 

and The Evidence of Things Not Seen.

"It is a classic Russian technique 

to blame The Other Guy 

for what They are 

planning to do themselves."

The West Wing: Shots Fired On The White House

I can't believe I never noticed that Charlie 

is named after Martin Sheen's son.

Leo McGarry: 

We weren't spying on Russia. 

We were spying for Russia.

President Josiah Bartlet: 

We were spying for him?

Leo McGarry: 

Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet: 

Okay. This phone call you're going to set up with Chigorin - 

it's, like, for a White House bloopers reel or something?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: 

The substance of things hoped for, 

and the evidence of things not seen.

Toby Ziegler: 

Yeah, but I think what he's asking

 - Bump ten - 

I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, 

do you think the world's going to hell 

in a hula hoop, but tonight...?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: 

We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?

Toby Ziegler: 

Suzy Creamcheese, 

Do not attempt the Haggadah.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: 

I know how to bless the soup, too.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

The room is filled with people as Bartlet makes the call to President Chigorin.

BARTLET

He's on?

TRANSLATOR

Yes sir.

BARTLET

Let's go. [picks up the phone] 

Mr. President, this is President Bartlet.

The agents run in.

AGENT 2

Mr. President.

BARTLET

What the hell?

AGENT 3

[running in from the portico] 

Step away from the window please.

More agents run in from the Portico carrying machine guns.

BARTLET

Okay, you know what, 

I'm going to have to call you back.

The agents shut the curtains 

and take up positions by the windows.

AGENT 2

Oval's secure.

AGENT 3

Bamboo shoot's ready.

BARTLET

[to Leo] 

Bamboo, they want me to 

get into The Motorcade.

Ron Butterfield enters.

RON

Mr. President.

BARTLET

What's going on?

RON

You all right, sir?

BARTLET

I'm all right.

LEO

These people are all code word and higher.

BARTLET

I was on the phone with Putin.

RON

The translator?

BARTLET

He's got code word clearance.

RON

Three shots were fired from the street, 

at least one of them hitting the press briefing room. 

We've got the suspect in custody, 

as well as a high-powered rifle.

BARTLET

Was anyone in the room?

RON

C.J., Toby, and Will Bailey.

Leo and Bartlet head towards the door.

LEO

Where are they?

RON

They're fine. Sir, you've got to stay here.

BARTLET

Nobody was hurt?

RON

They're fine.

Toby, C.J., and then Will come in to 

The Oval Office clearly out of breath.

TOBY

Sir.

BARTLET

[to Toby] 

You all right?

TOBY

Yeah

BARTLET

[to C.J.] 

What about you?

C.J.

We're fine.

BARTLET

[holding up two fingers] 

Will, how many fingers am I holding up?

WILL

Who's Will, sir?

BARTLET

I don't know if you've met 

Ron Butterfield, The Head of My Detail.

WILL

Sure.

LEO

Lieutenant Bailey, I'm glad to see you alive, 

but it's code word clearance in here,

and I need you out of earshot, okay?

WILL

Yes, sir.

BARTLET

Where's Charlie?

LEO

He's somewhere in the building.

RON

We're holding people where they are right now.

The phone on the President's desk starts to ring. 

Leo goes to pick it up.

BARTLET

But if he's heard What Happened, 

he's going to be trying to get here...

RON

We've got to hold everybody for 

a moment so that we can secure...

BARTLET

No, I'm telling you that if Charlie heard 

there were bullets, he's going to overpower

whoever's trying to...

Charlie bursts through the door. 

The President has a little smile on his face. 

Charlie looks around and sees that 

he's come in to a room filled with people.

CHARLIE

Sorry, Mr. President.

BARTLET

Come here.

Charlie moves to stand beside him.

BARTLET

It's bulletproof glass in the windows, okay. 

You want to kill me, you're going to have

to do it from inside The Building.

CHARLIE

[sighs] 

Thank You, Mr. President.

Charlie leaves, passing by C.J. and Toby.

CHARLIE

You guys all right?

C.J. and TOBY

Yeah.

BARTLET

I'm surprised your guys managed to keep Fiderer 

in her chair. I would have thought she'd

be the first one through the d... No, here we are.

Debbie comes in from Leo's office.

DEBBIE

Are you all right, Mr. President?

BARTLET

No-one was Hurt, someone shot at 

the press briefing room from the sidewalk.

DEBBIE

[concerned] 

C.J. went there with Toby and Will.

BARTLET

Will's sitting right outside, and Toby and C.J. 

are standing right there.

Toby and C.J. raise their hands.

DEBBIE

Ron, someone's going to report this I hope.

RON

Yes ma'am.

DEBBIE

Um, thank you, Mr. President. 

[in Bartlet's ear] 

We're going to need to take your blood

pressure in a few minutes.

BARTLET

Yeah.

DEBBIE

Thank you.

LEO

Ron, there were two incidents 

of terrorist activity earlier today. 

A bomb in Malaysia and another in Berlin.

BARTLET

This was just a crazy guy, Leo.

LEO

That was just a third on the phone in Guam. 

The head of the Office of Insular Affairs 

was picked off.

BARTLET

Come on.

LEO

By a sniper, Mr. President.

RON

[quickly] 

Shut it down! Crash it!

AGENT

[into his wrist mic] 

Crash the Oval Office. 

[to Debbie] 

Crash it.

DEBBIE

[into the phone] 

This is The Oval Office. 

Crash The West Wing. 

[grabbing a

red phone off

from under a table] Nevada, bravo, three, three, one. Crash the West Wing.

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO

* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT

C.J. is talking on the phone, while Carol, 

and three other staffers watch MSNBC.

MSNBC REPORTER

The man fired several rounds before being overtaken by Secret Service agents and Park Police. 

Witnesses say The Shooter never entered the grounds, 

but at least one bullet appears to have 

Struck The Window of a White House office...

C.J.

All right, then here it is. 

"An indeterminate number of shots 

were fired at the White House at..." 

I said I thought it was three shots 

but I want for the agents to...Okay,

"At 9:23 pm, striking the Press Briefing Room"...

MSNBC REPORTER

The weapon was a modified M-16.

C.J.

We haven't confirmed any ballistics. 

Tell your friends to stop saying it was an M-16.

MSNBC REPORTER

There are no confirmed reports.

C.J.

All right. The President was in the Oval Office. 

We've initiated A Standard Lockdown Procedure 

and are back to conducting 

The Business of The Nation... 

I'll ask him. [hangs up the phone, to Carol] 

He wants to know if the President 

wants to say something funny.

CAROL

"That's twice in four years, 

some of you guys must 

really be mad at me"?

C.J.

Something funnier than that, but yeah.

JOSH

I got a letter today that said, uh... 

"You're a lying liar. You lie 

almost as well as Bartlet." 

You know, black-white, rich-poor, 

north-south, odd-even. 

There may not be anything anymore that outpaces 

the hatred the right feels for the left 

or the tonnage of disrespect the left feels for the right. 

Donna got a letter yesterday that said, 

"I'm collecting all the guns you've banned, 

and there's a bullet with your name 

on it in each one." 

Donna. The guy's decided to focus his wrath

on Donna. 

He's never met Donna or spoken to her, 

and he's never met anyone 

who's met Donna or spoken to her. 

How's it possible? 

How's it possible that he hates

her so much?

How can you not like Donna? 

She's from Wisconsin! 

Anyway, 20,000 specific threats made

against U.S. targets every year, 

and with all that, it's still the ones who don't give

you advance notice that you're worried about.

JOE

I asked about Terrorism before because of the lockdown. Procedurally it'd be the kind of thing they'd be likely to do 

if there had been other incidents in the last few hours.

JOSH

A bombing in Malaysia and another one 

in Berlin a few hours ago.

They both sit silently for a moment.

JOSH

Might as well use this time for the interview.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Toby, sucking on a lollipop, and Will, stand inside watching T.V. as C.J. walks

in.

REPORTER [on T.V.]

...saying in a statement from White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg that

an indeterminate

number of shots were fired at the White House at 9:23 pm.

C.J.

You can stand the egg on the equinox because that's when the sun's gravity

is lined up

directly with the earth's.

TOBY

[sighs and draws a circle with his fingers] Draw a line from the center of

the earth to

the sun, and at anytime, someplace on earth is on that line..

C.J.

Then maybe for us...

TOBY

C.J., try it. Take an egg, it doesn't work.

C.J.

That's 'cause it's not...

C.J. and TOBY

...the exact moment of the equinox.

C.J.

Yes.

WILL

What is the exact moment of the equinox?

Toby points his finger as if Will is on to something.

C.J.

I don't know... midnight?

WILL

Midnight where?

C.J.

All right, maybe it's not at the exact moment of the equinox. Maybe it's at

some point

during the equinox and you just have to keep trying, but I've seen it.

Donna enters.

DONNA

Are we playing again?

WILL

I'll get Ed and Larry.

LEO

[entering from the Oval Office] Donna, would you tell Josh we're back on?

DONNA

Yes sir.

Donna, Leo, and Will all leave the office. Toby stares at C.J.

C.J.

Did you know that a day on the moon and a year on the moon are the same thing?

TOBY

I did. [long pause]

C.J.

I thought my reflexes before, in the Press Room, were cat-like.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

The room is filled with people who all need to be a part of Bartlet's phone call.

The President prepares for the phone call 

as a translator and Leo listen in on

alternate lines. Josh enters.

TRANSLATOR

The Sit Room Watch Officer has the Kremlin.

BARTLET

You guys playing again?

JOSH

Yeah, The Game's started up.

BARTLET

President Chigorin, it's Jed Bartlet again. 

I'm sorry about being abrupt before, 

but I bet if you turn on CNN international 

right now you'll see...

Putin :

[through the translator]

My Goodness. There was 

a shooting at the White House.

BARTLET

Yeah, there you go. It's not a big deal, 

but they shut us down for a little bit.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

Well, I'm glad no one was hurt.

BARTLET

By the way when they crash the building 

they don't crash all of it. 

The Situation Room still works.

Leo gives him a "what-the-hell-are-you-doing" look.

Putin :

[through the translator]

Yes sir, I'm sure.

BARTLET

Mr. President, a little while ago 

an unmanned B-UAV drone crashed, 

we think somewhere inside Kaliningrad, as a matter of fact. Apparently they don't respond, you know, quite

the way you'd like when there's a sudden shift in the weather.

CHIGORIN 

[through the translator]

[long pause] 

Mr. President, I wasn't told of 

a military mission over

Kaliningrad.

BARTLET

Well, like I say, it was a UAV, 

it was taking satellite pictures 

of coastal erosion in the Baltic Sea. 

The Finns know about this. 

We'd like to send a special operations team

ten kilometres west of Borsakova to retrieve it.

Putin :

[through the translator]

[long pause] 

Well, Mr. President, like yourself, 

I campaigned on the environment.

BARTLET

I'm sorry, sir?

Putin : 

[through the translator]

I campaigned on the environment, sir.

BARTLET

Are you getting that translation right?

TRANSLATOR

Yes, sir.

BARTLET

You campaigned on The Environment, Mr. President : 

Coastal erosion in the Baltic Sea.

Putin :

[through the translator]

[long pause] 

I'll take a look at those pictures 

and send them to you with Your UAV.

BARTLET

Well, the problem is our UAV's 

have a self-detonating capability 

and our people know how to disarm it, 

and I wouldn't want to put your guys at risk.

Putin :

[through the translator]

Well, given the circumstances I'm sure your experts 

wouldn't mind talking through the

steps with our experts.

BARTLET

It's proprietary technology, Peter.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

To view costal erosion?

BARTLET

I know it seems...

Putin :

[through the translator]

Sir, I'm going to interrupt this call at this time 

to speak with My Counterintelligence attachE.

BARTLET

Yes, Mr. President.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

Thank you sir.

BARTLET

This isn't working anymore.

FADE OUT.

END ACT THREE

* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The card game continues as Charlie looks on from near the window.

ED

Anything wild?

C.J.

Just the dealer. Four, no help. Six, possible straight. Heart, possible

flush. Jack, no

help. And the Dave of Love for a pair of tens. Tens bet.

LARRY

You know, you're particularly upbeat for someone who's been shot at twice

in four years.

C.J.

Am I?

TOBY

Yes.

C.J.

That's 'cause I've got faith there, mi compadre.

TOBY

Faith?

C.J.

The substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

TOBY

Yeah, but I think what he's asking... Bump ten... I think what he's asking

is why most

other nights do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but

tonight...?

C.J.

We dipped twice and eat gefilte fish?

TOBY

Suzy Cream Cheese, do not attempt the hagaddah.

C.J.

I know how to bless the soup too. I'll raise your raise.

ED

Out.

C.J.

Just the two of us.

TOBY

Faith in what?

C.J.

In us.

TOBY

The people in this room?

C.J.

And many, many, many others.

LARRY

Will, are you missing your plane?

WILL

Not yet, it's a military flight. It doesn't leave until about 12:30.

TOBY

What's in Cheyenne?

WILL

A number of us are being sent out there to investigate something that happened a few days ago.

TOBY

What happened?

WILL

You know, it's one of those things 

that sounds worse when you say it out loud 

because it makes people kind of nervous.

TOBY

What happened?

WILL

Uh, two guys failed to follow through on an order to fire their rockets at what was thought to be an incoming ballistic missile from North Korea. 

Turns out it was a good thing they didn't, 

'cause the missile was a meteor, 

and rather than being from North Korea, 

it was from, you know...

TOBY

Outer space.

WILL

Yeah.

Toby laughs.

TOBY

What the hell happened?

WILL

Two launch crew officers in Minuteman Three silos 

picked up a signal of an incoming projectile. 

The speed, arc, and trajectory of which suggested 

it was headed to New London, Connecticut.

TOBY

From North Korea.

WILL

Yes.

TOBY

Why do we think at this point that North Korea 

is attacking the East Coast of the United States?

WILL

There are transcripts from the silo that show that 

surprise was expressed at that.

TOBY

I would think.

WILL

The base was already at DEFCON Delta, 

so the launch crew initiated Response Code Orion,

which calls for the first in a series of steps 

to arm their 50 Minutemen.

TOBY

What's in New London?

WILL

Trident.

TOBY

The gum?

WILL

The nuclear submarines.

TOBY

Fifty Minutemen they're arming, and is anyone saying 

"This Doesn't Make Sense."?

WILL

Two guys in the silo. 

The launch sequence went on for two minutes 

before they had confirmation it was a meteor. 

But The Two Guys were debating with 

Airborne Launch Control 

and the 

Cheyenne Mountain Operations Centre 

and that gets sticky. 

This is missile defence. 

This stuff has to work.

TOBY

And they're sending in 

a team of lawyers to look into it.

WILL

Yeah, but we're scrappy.

TOBY

[laughs] 

A meteor fell from the sky, the result being 

two guys are going to get court-marshalled. 

The only two guys who apparently 

thought it was strange that

North Korea would attack submarines 

in Connecticut instead of say, 

San Diego or Hawaii. 

And if it had been a real attack? 

Would they still have been doing 

point/counterpoint with NORAD?

Will shrugs.

TOBY

We failed both on a mechanical and human level. 

So tell me again what you have Faith in.

C.J.

Us.

TOBY

Why.

C.J.

Because with what little free time he has, 

Will is going to Wyoming to defend one of these guys 

and I don't think it is failing on a human level.

TOBY

[pauses and then snickers at his cards] 

I've got ace high flush. 

Give me your money.

C.J.

I've got tens full of queens. 

Give me yours.

Charlie, who has been sitting quietly by the window this whole time, gets up.

CHARLIE

Hey.

WILL

Who's out there?

CHARLIE

Zoey.

Charlie runs through his office and out onto the PORTICO where Zoey is

walking along.

CHARLIE

[casually] Oh. Hey.

ZOEY

Hi.

CHARLIE

This is a coincidence. I was just stepping outside for some air.

ZOEY

They just let me in a few minutes ago.

CHARLIE

Everything's fine.

ZOEY

I just wanted to check. 

I was just going to call you.

CHARLIE

Were you?

ZOEY

Yeah.

CHARLIE

To say you wanted to get back together again?

ZOEY

To make sure you were alive.

CHARLIE

Well that's a step in my direction. 

Do you want to come inside for a minute?

ZOEY

Ah, I have to get back and study. 

One of my finals is tomorrow.

CHARLIE

Can you believe you're graduating in two weeks?

ZOEY

I can't.

CHARLIE

That went fast.

ZOEY

It really did.

CHARLIE

Is Chef Boyardee around?

ZOEY

Now, why do you have to do that?

CHARLIE

I was asking after him.

ZOEY

We were having a perfectly nice...

CHARLIE

Sorry.

ZOEY

And on tonight of all nights, 

when we should be thinking about...

CHARLIE

Why is tonight different from other nights?

ZOEY

You were shot at!

CHARLIE

Well, not me personally, 

but I say all the more reason to...

ZOEY

I'm going to France for three months.

CHARLIE

[long pause] 

When?

ZOEY

After graduation.

CHARLIE

For three months?

ZOEY

Yeah.

CHARLIE

For three months?

ZOEY

That's twelve weeks.

CHARLIE

When did you come up with this plan?

ZOEY

He asked me a couple of days ago. 

His family has a farmhouse 

in the middle of a vineyard

near Avignon. 

No press, no politics. 

It's what I want to do.

CHARLIE

I think it's a great thing to do. 

I just don't know why 

you're doing it with him.

ZOEY

Well, I don't know why you have to... 

you've been out with plenty of women since we

broke up and each time...

CHARLIE

I have not.

ZOEY

You don't think I know when you go out? 

Every college student in this city

wants to tell me something I don't know. 

And every time you've gone out, 

I've been supportive.

CHARLIE

Supportive how? 

I didn't even know you knew?

ZOEY

[getting frustrated] 

That's how.

CHARLIE

Hey, you just told me. 

I'm not the one using the student bodies 

of GW, Georgetown, AU and Catholic University 

as intelligence gathering sources.

ZOEY

And UVA and Johns Hopkins pal, 

you're easy to spot.

CHARLIE

Look...

ZOEY

People like giving me information. 

What do you want me to do?

CHARLIE

I want you to not go to France 

with Jean-Paul.

ZOEY

[exasperated] 

Why don't you like him?

CHARLIE

Because...

ZOEY

It's been four years in the White House, 

another being the daughter of a candidate.

Eight years as Governor. 

My grades get printed in the paper. 

My boyfriends are in the paper. 

I live and die by my parents' 

successes and failures. 

And so do you. Sometimes even more than me. 

And Jean-Paul doesn't. 

He's happy. 

He's... just... happy.

CHARLIE

That's cause he's got 

five hundred million dollars 

and no conscience.

ZOEY

No it isn't. He cares about things. 

And one of them is me. 

And none of them are this,

and that's appealing to me right now.

CHARLIE

Yeah, I can understand that.

ZOEY

I've got to go study. 

Sorry you got shot at again.

CHARLIE

Thanks.

Zoey walks off. Charlie watches her go before heading inside.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT

CHIGORIN [through the translator]

Mr. President...

BARTLET

Peter...

Putin : 

[through the translator]

Unless there was a typhoon.

BARTLET

I understand. I meant... [covering the mouthpiece] He's yelling at me pretty

loud now.

[into the phone] I wasn't referring to the change in weather, sir.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

The national radar service does not find any UAV's in the area you discussed.

LEO

[on the phone] It's Leo again. 

The UAV's are designed to fly below military radar

simply because the closer we get, the better the pictures.

Putin :

[through the translator]

I understand. 

Now, what were you taking pictures of?

LEO

Coastal erosion in the Baltic...

CHIGORIN [through the translator]

There is simply no way an American UAV 

could have been in the Finnish part...

BARTLET [to the room in general]

He's yelling pretty loud at Leo now.

Putin :

[through the translator]

...of the Baltic Sea and end up crashing in Kaliningrad unless there was a typhoon.

Now are you telling me...?

LEO

Sir.

Putin :

[through the translator]

We have experts too. And an S&R team 

is looking for the UAV.

BARTLET

Don't do that Peter.

LEO

You shouldn't do that, sir. 

We weren't flying in your airspace.

Putin :

[through the translator]

Kaliningrad is in my airspace Leo 

and an S&R team has been sent ten kilometres west,

to see if we can help you find it.

LEO

Well, they're going to see it because in five minutes 

I'm going to tell the President to blow it up.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

Feel free.

BARTLET

We were taking pictures of Kaliningrad.

Everyone gives him shocked looks.

Putin : 

[through the translator]

Say that again, please.

BARTLET

We were taking pictures of Kaliningrad. 

We take pictures of black market nuclear materials

being moved out the back doors 

of suppositories and into trucks. 

The materials are being

sold to non-governmental elements and, 

well, that's what we were doing. 

Rogue engineers, military scientists, and ex-KGB. 

It's just as big of a problem for you as

it is for us, but you're not dealing with it, 

so we were taking pictures of Kaliningrad. 

We're going to have to Trust each other a little Peter. 

So we're going to share the pictures we got. 

Not the technology we used to get them. 

Otherwise I'm detonating it 

and neither of us see the pictures. 

We're going to have to Trust each other. 

Our two countries have stopped The World

from annihilating itself for 60 years 

because of conversations like this one. 

Why don't you talk it over?

Putin : 

[through the translator]

I will.

Bartlet hangs up the phone.

LEO

Good. I'd have said, 

"We weren't spying on you, 

we were spying for you," but...

BARTLET

If he calls back we'll have a deal. 

In the mean time, one hand. 

Bring your wallet.