Showing posts with label Alvin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alvin. Show all posts

Wednesday 12 January 2022

Epiphany: 4 Events Rolled into One


 I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire 
to Guide My Decisions.


 For Those Who Understand, 
no explanation is necessary; 

For Those Who Don't, 
no explanation will suffice. 


Epiphany: 4 Events Rolled into One


EXT. 437TH CIVIL AFFAIRS COMPANY - DAY 16

 Archie sits on a folding chair facing 
COLONEL HORN, 45, who is furious. 
Soldiers and vehicles pass. 

 COLONEL HORN
 You're supposed to make her feel good 
about the stories we want
not push stories we don't want
and you don't walk away from her 
to fuck another journalist. 

 ARCHIE GATES
 I never wanted this job, Ron. 

 COLONEL HORN
 It's a great job, Arch, Your Work in Iraq was over
I'm trying to help you out. 

 ARCHIE GATES
 I don't even know What We Did over here. 

 COLONEL HORN
 Don't even start that with me, 
because this has been a huge success. 

ARCHIE GATES
 Oh you got your star clinched. 

 COLONEL HORN
 (touches his collar)
 It's not my fault you plateaued a long time ago, 
big-mouthed N.C.O.  at heart. 

 ARCHIE GATES
 I don't even know What 
We Did Here, Ron. 

 COLONEL HORN
 You want to occupy Iraq 
and do Vietnam again
is that what you want? 

ARCHIE GATES
 Fuck it, I'm retiring, anyway. 
I don't care. 

 COLONEL HORN
 Until you do, you're an Army  officer, 
and you're still taking care 
of that reporter, 
so do it right. 

Maybe she'll hook you up to 
consult with the media at home. 

ARCHIE GATES
 Fuck that. 

 INT. CAPTAIN'S TENT - DAY
 17
 SPLASH -- rubbing alcohol is poured 
over Vig's extended hand by Chief. 

 TROY
 You've washed your hands 
like a thousand times, Conrad. 

 VIG
 Lord knows what vermin live 
in the butt of a dune-koon. 

 CHIEF
 Don't say that around me. 


CHIEF
 Why do you let this cracker 
follow you around? 

 TROY
 He's all right, man, 
he's got no high school, 
he's from a group home in Dallas,
he doesn't know any better --

VIG
 Don't tell people that. 

 CHIEF
 I don't give a shit if he's from Johannesburg. 
I don't want to hear dune-koon or sand-n*gger 
from him or anybody else
 
VIG
Captain uses those terms -- ?
 
CHIEF
 No. 

 TROY
 No. 

 VIG
 I apologize but it's a little confusing 
with all of this pro-Saudi, 
anti-Iraqi language and all that. 

CHIEF (O.S.)
 These are definitely Saddam's bunkers 
between Karbala and Nazaria

 TROY
 What's inside? 

CHIEF
 According to Intel, 
Picasso, Sony, Rolex, Armani. 
Kuwait was Arab Beverly Hills 
and Saddam sacked it. 

TROY
 It would be nice to bring something home 
besides sand fleas --

 CHIEF
 Whatever, The Good Lord put this map in Our Path 
and we're gonna find something --

 TROY
 He could also put a land mine 
in our path if we go out there --

 CHIEF
 Don't Worry.  
I was Fire-Baptized,
and This Feels Safe

 TROY
 What the hell are you talking about? 

 CHIEF
 I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire 
to Guide My Decisions.


TROY
 I'm not following this. 
You're putting me on, right? 

 CHIEF
 For those who understand, 
no explanation is necessary; 

For those who don't, 
no explanation will suffice. 



Scene 2: Three Wise Men with Bad Senses of Direction

holy music
BABY BRIAN COHEN: 
crying

WISE MAN #1: 
Ahem.

MANDY COHEN: 
Ohhh!
whump
Who are you?

WISE MAN #1: 
We are three wise men.

MANDY: 
What?!

WISE MAN #1: 
We are three wise men.

MANDY: 
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed 
at two o'clock in the morning? 
That doesn't sound very wise to me.

WISE MAN #3: 
We are astrologers.

WISE MAN #1: 
We have come from The East.

MANDY: 
Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN #2: 
We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MAN #1: 
We must pay homage to him.

MANDY: 
Homage? You're all drunk. 
It's disgusting. Out! 
The lot, out!

WISE MAN #1: 
No--

MANDY: 
Bursting in here with tales 
about oriental fortune tellers. 
Come on. Out!

WISE MAN #2: 
No, no. We must see him.

MANDY: 
Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!
WISE MAN #2: 
We--

WISE MAN #1: 
We were led by A Star.

MANDY: 
Or led by a bottle, more like. 
Go on. Out!

WISE MAN #1: 
Well-- well, we must see him. 
We have brought presents.

MANDY: 
Out!

WISE MAN #2: 
Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

MANDY: 
Well, why didn't you say? 
He's over there. Sorry the place is 
a bit of a mess. 
Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

WISE MAN #3: 
It is a valuable balm.

MANDY: 
A balm
What are you giving him a balm for? 
It might bite him.

WISE MAN #3: 
What?

MANDY: 
That's a dangerous animal. 
Quick! Throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN #1: 
No, it isn't.

MANDY: 
Yes, it is. It's great, 
big mmm...

WISE MAN #3: 
No, no, no. It is an ointment.

MANDY: 
Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... 
or did I dream it? 
So, you're astrologers, are you? 
Well, what is he then?

WISE MAN #2: 
Hmm?
MANDY: 
What star sign is he?

WISE MAN #2: 
Uh, Capricorn.

MANDY: 
Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN #2: 
Ooh, but... he is
The Son of God, Our Messiah.

WISE MAN #1:
King of the Jews.

MANDY: 
And that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN #2: 
Uh, no, no, no. 
That's just him.
MANDY: 
Ohh, I was going to say, 
'Otherwise, there'd be 
a lot of them.' sniff

WISE MAN #1: 
By what name are you calling him?

MANDY: 
Uh, 'Brian'.

WISE MEN: 
We worship you, O Brian, 
who are Lord over us all. 

Praise unto you, Brian, 
and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

MANDY: 
Do you do a lot of this, then?

WISE MAN #2: 
What?

MANDY: 
This praising.

WISE MAN #2: 
No, no. No, no.

MANDY: 
Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. 

And thanks a lot for the gold 
and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? 

Heh. Thank you! Good-bye! 
Well, weren't they nice? 
Hmm. Out of their 
bloody minds, but still.

WISE MEN leave

Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

WISE MEN return and grab presents


Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! 
Oh.

whump
holy music

BABY BRIAN: 
crying

MANDY: 
Shut up. 

smack