Transported for Life to The Colonies

Young Ones   S02EP03   Nasty - Victorian Navy skit0001

MIKE: Guys, guys, I hate to say anything negative, but no. If The Police come 'round, they'll grab hold of our nasties!

NEIL: [protecting crotch with his hands] Oh!

MIKE: The videos!

NEIL: Oh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: If anyone else asks that question, I'm going to stick their head through the window!

NEIL: Vyv, have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Right! Come this way Neil!

[walks into the kitchen, rips an entire window, frame and all out of the wall, walks over to Neil 

(INSERT: several frames of a close up of an outdoor faucet, dripping water in a steady stream. Several large white vans are visible in the background, but are out of focus)]

Sideways on!

[Neil complies by turning 90 degrees, and Vyv drops the window over his head]

NEIL: I still don't understand! Does that mean we've got one or not?

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God!NEIL: I'm finding everything really confusing today...

[ZOOM IN: to the still-life poster in the background of the kitchen: "Early Victorian Breakfast Photographs"]

[DISSOLVE TO: the identical scene in real life. An old sailing song played on Accordion can be heard. PAN: to reveal five shabby men on the deck of an old sailing ship, its captain and some crew. Prisoner #1 is a dirty, balding man, missing most of his teeth]

PRISONER #1: [rather eloquently]

Transported for Life to The Colonies, 

and for what? Scum I was to that beak,

nothing but scum. 'Tis for my accent and 

my situation that I am condemned. 

'Tis for the want of better graces and 

The Influence they bring that 

I am to board this prison hulk.

PRISONER #2: .... -- and
all those murders you done.

CAPTAIN: [to a woman who 

was out of view] Aged and 

toothless and bent old crone!

CRONE: How'd you know me name?

CAPTAIN: We wish to engage 

You as Ship's Cook and Concubine.

CRONE: Oh yeah? 

What's A 'Concubine', then?

CAPTAIN: .....It's a small, spiky mammal.

CRONE: No... that's A Hedgehog!

CAPTAIN: In that case, 

We wish to engage You in 

Ship's Cook and Hedgehog.

[A bell is ringing]

PRISONER #1: Hello mate. Say goodbye to merry England. It's ''stralia for us.

PRISONER #2: Quite looking forward, really. Son and daughter went out 'bout six years ago. And I haven't even seen The Baby. Must be nearly four by now.....

[PAN: back to still life, DISSOLVE: back to poster in kitchen, ZOOM out]

NEIL: What? Wow! Oh, too much! Can I have a go at it guys? Please?

MIKE: Alright, alright, so long as you're very careful and you don't break it.

VYVYAN: Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute complete working order.

RICK: Yes, yes. So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work, that means you've broken it and you've got to pay!

MIKE: £500!

NEIL: Anything, anything. [looks at a video tape box] Oh wow! Yeah! [Neil looks at the machine] Well it's not plugged in. [moves to the wall outlet] 

Convicted

....Those of Us who had been up All-night,

were in No Mood for Coffee and Donuts --

We wanted strong Drink; We were,

after all, the absolute Cream of 

The American Sporting-Press.

MARLON BRANDO as JOR-EL in SUPERMAN: 

THE MOVIE forgets the name of his son.

....The Virtuous spirit 
has no need for Thanks or 
Approval, only the certain Conviction
that What has been Done is right -- 
Develop such Conviction in 
Yourself, El-al... Ralph, or
whatever Your Name is --
....cut! cut! cut! --
 
...We'll just pick 
it up.....

The Laws of Kings

Wesley's Notes for Exodus 20:16

20:16 Thou shalt not 

bear false witness - 

This forbids, Speaking 

falsely in any matter, 

lying, equivocating, and 

any way devising and 

designing to deceive 

Our Neighbour. 

Speaking unjustly 

against Our Neighbour, 

to the prejudice of His Reputation; 

And (which is the highest offence 

of both these kinds put together) 

Bearing false witness against him, 

laying to his charge things 

that he knows not, either upon oath, 

by which the third commandment, 

the sixth or eighth, as well as this, 

are broken, or in common converse, 

slandering, backbiting, tale-bearing, 

aggravating what is done amiss, 

and any way endeavouring 

to raise Our Own Reputation 

upon the ruin of Our Neighbours'.

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

It's a Breadfruit. 

Fletcher Christian :

A Breadfruit?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

The Admiralty's instructed me to 

lead an expedition to take 

breadfruit plants from 

Tahiti to Jamaica.

Fletcher Christian :

Tahiti?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

I want you to sail with me again. 

Fletcher Christian :

In what capacity?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

The Admiralty's already assigned a 

Mr. John Fryer as Master of The Ship.

He's a good man, I think, but 

I want you to be master's mate. 

If you agree, that is.

Fletcher Christian :

Agreed.

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

Good. Splendid. Good.

Fletcher Christian :

Why take breadfruit to Jamaica?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

Cheap fodder for The Slaves 

on the plantations there.

Bananas are very expensive 

there these days.

Fletcher Christian :

It lacks Glory, William.

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

I don't have your connections, Fletcher.

I want to make A Name 

for myself before I'm too old.

Fletcher Christian :

And this greengrocery trip 

will make your name?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

Now, look -- We'll go along 

Cape Horn to Tahiti.

We'll pick up the breadfruit, and then 

continue through the Endeavour Straits,

round the Cape of Good Hope 

to Jamaica, then back to England.

We'll circumnavigate The Globe.

Mr. Fryer,

Master of HMS Bounty : 

Yes, but why risk going round the Horn?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

What? Because it is the quicker route, Mr. Fryer.

Mr. Fryer,

Master of HMS Bounty :

Quicker if we strike the one week in a hundred 

when there isn't a storm raging.

So you would have us go the long way, 

round Africa and Australia, there and back?

Avoid the Horn all together?

What conditions do the plants need?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

Warmth, light and water. 

I shall be giving up my cabin to them.

We shall be like pigs in a sty, shan't we?

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

No, sir, we shall not.

I run a healthy ship, Mr. Fryer.

I only say the Bounty is too small. 

We should have a frigate, 

not a chamber pot.

"Captain" Bligh,

Commander of HMS Bounty : 

Yes, and I should have 

promotion to Captain.

But the navy board would 

not heed either request.

Cook returned to Hawaii in 1779. After sailing around the archipelago for some eight weeks, he made landfall at Kealakekua Bay on Hawai’i Island, largest island in the Hawaiian Archipelago. 

Cook’s arrival coincided with the Makahiki, a Hawaiian harvest festival of worship for the Polynesian god Lono. Coincidentally the form of Cook’s ship, HMS Resolution, or more particularly the mast formation, sails and rigging, resembled certain significant artefacts that formed part of the season of worship. Similarly, Cook’s clockwise route around the island of Hawaii before making landfall resembled the processions that took place in a clockwise direction around the island during the Lono festivals. It has been argued (most extensively by Marshall Sahlins) that such coincidences were the reasons for Cook’s (and to a limited extent, his crew’s) initial deification by some Hawaiians who treated Cook as an incarnation of Lono

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :

Maeva, Captain Bligh.

Lt. Bligh : Mauriuru, King Tynah.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti : Enoho.

- Thank you, Your Majesty.

I bring you greetings from

His Majesty King George of England.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti : 

How is the great Captain Cookie?

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti : 

Captain Cook? 

He's Well, and he also sends his greetings.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :

He Lives...?

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :Yes.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :

He is My Friend.

 I know.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :

Now you see - He gave me his picture.

 Yes.

King Tynah of Ta-Hiti :

Some People Say 

He was killed by 

the people of Hawaii.

No...

Captain Cook is very much alive

and he's in good health, King Tynah.

He's very much alive.

As I said, he sends his greetings to you

and he's always talked of you

as his very close friend.

You told that to this man Tynah?

King Tynah, sir.

A savage king?

A King, my lord, descended 

from many kings.

As our King George is descended 

from many Kings?

Yes, in a way, sir.

Then why did you lie to him?

Why did you not tell him 

Captain Cook was murdered 

in Hawaii 10 years before?

Because they believe that

Captain Cook is immortal.

 Literally?

Yes, I think so, sir.

They seem to regard his likeness 

as a sacred image.

Interesting.

They also believe that every British officer

is more or less related to him.

So you were more or less immortal, too?

It would appear so, sir,

and I also needed their assistance.

Captain Cook was our guarantor.

How long you stay in Tahiti?

About two months, around the islands.

Stay here. Do not go to the other islands.

No welcome there for you.

Everything you need is here.

I'm much obliged to you.

His Majesty King George has

sent you many gifts, King Tynah.

Perhaps I could carry back in return gifts

from yourself to His Majesty King George.

Anything for A King.

Pigs, bananas, coconuts, breadfruit...

Breadfruit! Breadfruit is a very good idea.

Yes, breadfruit. I think His Majesty likes

breadfruit. Isn't that true, Mr. Nelson?

Indeed it is, sir.

His Majesty is a very keen gardener.

He would appreciate breadfruit greatly.

If you sent him little breadfruit plants,

he could grow them in his own garden.

We shall grow him many little plants.

Thank you.

Mr. Christian, Mr. Cole.

Would you distribute the gifts

to King Tynah and his good people?

These are gifts from His Majesty King

George of England to yourselves.

Oh, dear God!

- I hoped to avoid this.

- Avoid what, sir?

Damn it all, man.

I'm expected to sleep with her.

She's one of King Tynah's wives, a gift from

one chief to another, as it were.

Now, look. Five minutes after I go below,

call me up on important business.

Yes, sir. What business?

Business, damn it! 

Any bloody business.

Welcome aboard, ma'am. This way.

Yes.

- Get on with your work.

- Yes, sir.

She should soften the old man up a bit.

Hot.

Pretty.

That wouldn't feed a dog for 

two nights, never mind me!

Emma

- Excuse me, sir, I...

- Mr. Christian!

- Sir?

What demands my immediate attention?

It could wait until tomorrow.

What is it, damn you?

The ship is sinking, sir.

Good.

Ma'am.

Was Fletcher Christian at this time

still your friend and ally?

At that time, yes.

There was no indication of any

resentment towards you?

No, none.

Mr. Bligh, when you planted out your breadfruit, 

did not the savages carry out some sort of

ceremony? An indecent ceremony?

Is this relevant, Captain Greetham?

Milord, if The Crew were allowed 

to witness it, yes.

Were The Crew present, Mr. Bligh?

Yes.

And was it indecent?

It is their deep belief that

the earth is rendered fruitful

by the coupling of their gods

and that the gods can be roused by 

the coupling of men and women.

So it did begin at the ceremony?

No, sir, not at the ceremony.

No, it was Fletcher Christian

and the native girl.

You misunderstood the depth

of the emotion between them?

Yes, I realise that now.

I had assumed that it was

simply youthful passion.

It takes more than

an infatuated youth to make a mutiny.

- It takes a discontented crew.

- They were anything but discontented.

Fletcher Christian corrupted them.

But what made them so easy to corrupt?

I don't know. It was the place itself.

If I did sail beyond the sea

I'd take my pretty girl with me

And she would cook and care for me

And I'd be the pride of the king's navy

But, alas, it is the law

I had to leave her on the shore

- Mr. Christian?

- Come in, whoever you are.

Captain Bligh is surprised he hasn't had

your company at supper for some weeks.

Do you still do that?

He says he'll expect you this evening.

But Today, Today's not Friday.

6:00. Prompt, if you please.

Wait, Dr. Huggan.

I found the most extraordinary plant today.

On the west side of the island, 

just by the mouth of the river.

Mr. Christian, it is 7:30.