M. :
They used to say,
A Good Spy is A Pure Spy,
Inside and Out.
Roses, Tanagra figurines
and Debussy —
He plays Debussy every afternoon
from sunset until it's too dark
to read the music.
Stands on his head a lot,
eats Royal Jelly.
Lets his intestines down
and washes them by hand….
Something he learned during
his sojourn in Tibet.
Ransome, CIA :
M, what gives?
M. :
I forgot to mention
The Lions.
Ransome, CIA :
Lions and more lions.
We're surrounded by Lions!
Smernov, KGB :
I did not come all the way here
to be devoured by
Symbols of Monarchy!
Ransome, CIA :
I warn you, M, if
This is A Trap...
M. :
Calm yourselves, gentlemen.
It's no Trap, I assure you.
The Lions are only curious —
He has few visitors.
Ransome, CIA :
That I can believe….
M. :
A veritable Eden,
is it not, gentlemen?
Ransome, CIA :
Eden without an Eve
is an absurdity.
Smernov, KGB :
A Good Spy is a Pure Spy.
M. :
Not Good. Great.
The Greatest Spy in History, gentlemen.
The True, One and Only,
Original James Bond.
LOYAL RETAINER :
The Gentlemen are here,
Sir James.
Sir James Bond :
Thank you.
M. :
My Dear Bond.
Sir James Bond :
My Dear M.
Ransome, CIA :
Ransome, CIA, Sir James —
Sir James Bond :
J-Junior cipher c-clerk
in m-my day, weren't you,
Ransome?
Ransome, CIA :
Yes, sir. JCC, class G,
SIC to SCCT.
CIA, Washington DC.
Smernov, KGB :
Smernov, KGB,
Sir James.
Sir James Bond :
Ah, yes. L-Labour camp inspector.
Ikon GPU, Siberian sector.
I remember Your ch-Chap Lenin very well :
First-class organiser,
Second-class mind.
Le Grand,
Deuxième-Bureau :
Le Grand, Sir James.
Deuxième-Bureau.
Sir James Bond :
Promoted at last from
The Vice Detail?
M. :
How incredibly well you look, James.
Sir James Bond :
Time, My Dear M,
Does Not Exist
within These Walls.
Ransome, CIA :
…..they ain't for Real.
M. :
Yes, a far cry from
our embattled world.
Sir James Bond :
In My Day, Spying was
an alternative to War.
The Spy was a member of a select and immaculate priesthood, vocationally d-devoted, sublimely disinterested.
Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a t-trail of beautiful dead women like blown roses behind him.
M. :
You mean...
Sir James Bond :
You know very well who I mean.
That b-bounder to whom
you gave My Name
and Number —
M. :
My Dear James,
when you left us
we were a small service,
under-financed,
ludicrously ill-equipped.
It was essential that
Your Legend be maintained —
Without a James Bond : 007,
No-one would have respected us.
Sir James Bond :
Him and his wretched g-gadgets.
M. :
We must make use of the
weapons of our time.
Sir James Bond :
So I observe.
You, Ransome, with your
trick carnation that
s-spits cyanide.
You ought to be ashamed.
Ransome, CIA :
…..The Russians started it.
Sir James Bond :
And you, Smernov,
with an armoury concealed
in your grotesque boots.
Listen to them tinkle.
And you, Le Grand, with
a different deadly poison
in each of your fly buttons.
And you, M, with your
flame-throwing
fountain pens —
Y-Y-You're joke-shop
spies, gentlemen.
M. :
We are in the last half of
the 20th century, Sir James —
Even you have to face it.
Sir James Bond :
Why should I, when I can
face that? Look, at My Garden :
Out There, there is A Black Rose —
Not Dark Red, but Black.
As a Raven's Wing at Midnight.
I would not exchange one single petal
for anything Your World has to offer, including
an Aston M-Martin
with lethal accessories.
Smernov, KGB :
You have only contempt for
the proletariat, Sir James.
This we know.
Ransome, CIA :
If I didn't know better,
I'd say you'd lost your
Faith in Democracy.
Sir James Bond :
You can Break The Glass,
but you can't hold back
The Weather.
M. :
Things are Bad.
I've lost agents in the last fortnight -
seven killed, four missing.
Sir James Bond :
Is My Namesake among them?
M. :
He may well be tomorrow.
Eight of ours were given The Works —
Two in The Pentagon.
Smernov, KGB :
KGB is depleted.
….I cannot disclose exact figures.
M. :
The Enemy has penetrated our most secret inner circles.
He reads Our Very Mind.
For all we know,
He has his eye on us right now.
Sir James Bond :
Are you quite sure he is not
one or m-more of you?
Ransome, CIA :
No, no.
Le Grand,
Deuxième-Bureau :
Absolutely sure.
Smernov, KGB :
Until This Danger is passed,
we must stand united
in the defence of all spies,
great or small,
regardless of nationality.
Sir James Bond :
Calamity makes strange b-bedfellows,
but why, in the strength
of Your Unity, do you disturb
A Gentleman in his Retirement?
M. :
We need
Your Inspirational Leadership.
Le Grand,
Deuxième-Bureau :
Please give us
The Benefit of
Your Incomparable
Powers of Deduction.
Ransome, CIA :
For all Freedom-Loving Peoples —
For the glorious Socialist Revolution.
(Date T.B.C,)
Sir James Bond :
If I may interrupt
this flow of clichés,
it is now that time of day
I have set apart for Debussy…
Can this be The Man Who Won
a Victoria Cross at Mafeking?
The Hero of the Ashanti Uprising?
Smernov, KGB :
What genius to be wasted
in The Service of
a crumbling Empire….
Ransome, CIA :
Why, at the height of his powers,
did Bond decide to retire?
M. :
Mata Hari, My Dear Friend.
Ransome, CIA :
What's the connection?
M. :
The Woman in His Life.
Ransome, CIA :
I don't get it.
M. :
It was his painful duty
to lure her across
the Spanish frontier into France,
where we stood her
in front of a firing squad.
He really loved
that woman.
Well, James?
Sir James Bond :
I'm sorry, old man,
but what you ask is
quite impossible.
M. :
Perhaps this will change
Your Decision.
( M. hands over a Warrant bound with The Royal Seal. )
Sir James Bond :
My Record speaks My Loyalty.
But no, not even
for her, McTarry.
M. :
Sorry, James.
( M. lights his cigar. )
There's McTarry's signal.
Stand by.
Zero.
On.
Fire!
Fire! Up !
The Authority —
A MAN IN BLACK :
Authority to Control.
Control —
PUSSY :
Go ahead.
The Authority —
The MAN in BLACK :
Proceed with Smersh Plan B —
Sir James Bond is back,
with his morals, his vows,
and his celibate image.
We must destroy that image.
Riverbank to Control.
Control —
PUSSY :
Go ahead.
The Target has just entered Scotland.
M's Castle to Control.
Control — PUSSY
M's name is ‘McTarry’. Use it.
Plan B in operation :
McTarry Castle completely occupied, with only one change —
Agent Mimi is now M's Widow.
Control — PUSSY :
Agent Mimi impersonating
Lady Fiona?
Well, she has the best Scots accent.
