Watch My Dreams

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

We have made some improvements to your craft.  

Now at least you may prove to be of some small amusement.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

You have two Earth minutes before we attack.

RIMMER: 

Let's get out of here.

CAT: 

Wait, I know This Game.  

It's called Cat and Mouse, 

and there's only one way to win -- 

Don't Be The Mouse.

LISTER: 

What are you saying?

CAT: 

I'm saying, 

The Mouse never wins.  

Not unless you believe those

  lying cartoons.  

We Don't Run, We Strike.  

It's The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting.

RIMMER: 

No, The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting 

is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses 

and to dance The Bolero.  

And your plan makes

 about as much sense.

LISTER: 

I Say "Go with it."

KRYTEN: 

Agreed.

CAT: 

You're gonna go with one of my plans?  

Are you nuts?  

What happens if we all get killed?  

I'll never hear the last of it!

13 Model Shot.

Starbug pivots in flight 

and fires it's new laser cannons into the side

of the simulant ship.

14 Int. Simulant Ship.

The simulants look worried.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

What are They doing?  

Power up The Weapons!

15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

LISTER: 

Nailed Them.

16 Int. Simulant Ship.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Fluke hit.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Take them with Us.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Can't return fire.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Hack into their navigation computer.  

Transmit 

The  Armageddon Virus.

17 Int. Stabug cockpit.

The NaviComp starts to spark.

LISTER: 

What is it ?

KRYTEN: 

The NaviComp, something's wrong.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

(On screen) 

See you in Silicon Hell.

18 Model Shot.

The simulant ship explodes.

19 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

KRYTEN: 

Shutdown all network links.  

The navicomp has been infected with 

A Virus.

LISTER: 

The NaviComp has frozen us out, 

we're locked on this course.  

If we carry on ahead at this speed, 

how long before we hit Trouble?

RIMMER: 

Well if you define 'Trouble' as a rather large moon 

directly in our path, about 38 minutes.

KRYTEN: 

Sir, The Only Solution is for me to 

contract The Virus myself,

  analyze it's structure 

and 

attempt to create a software antidote 

before it wipes out my core program.

Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

RIMMER: 

Do Lemmings like cliffs?  

Granted!

KRYTEN: 

I am going to have to create 

A Dove Program.

CAT: 

Dove program?

KRYTEN: 

A Dove Program spreads Peace through The System, 

obliterating the viral cells as it goes.

KRYTEN puts on head sensors 

and contracts the virus from the navicomp.

KRYTEN: 

The Virus is extremely complex.  

I will have to dedicate all my

  run-time to its solution.  

Shutting down all non essential systems.

LISTER: 

Is there anything we can do?  

Can we help?

KRYTEN: 

WATCH MY DREAMS.

*******

CAT: 

Wait, we're getting something.

21 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The Monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, 

dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's

Western town.  

He is Drunk.

He throws an empty whisky bottle away 

before pausing before a wanted poster 

of the Apocalypse boys 

and entering a saloon.

22 Int. Ops Room.

CAT: 

What is This?

LISTER: 

I think we've tapped directly into 

whatever passes for Kryten's sub-concious.

CAT: 

Why is he A Sheriff in Some Old Western?

Because The Sheriff is allowed to Kill People -- 

Under Certain Circumstances.

Unlike A Policeman, he is 

Hired, Elected and Paid 

by The Community to DO it.

Because They Can't.

And sometimes, on The Frontier,

People Need to be Killed.

LISTER: 

Must be how his core program is coping with 

The Battle against The Virus.

For whatever reason it's converted The Struggle 

into some kind of dream.

23 Int. Saloon. Day.

Busy.  

A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version 

of Red Dwarf theme :

KRYTEN enters and tries to steer 

his way towards the bar.  

He passes JIMMY - a smooth oaf, 

playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.

JIMMY: 

Well, well, well Sheriff, fancy seeing 

A Man of your sober disposition 

in a low-down drinking establishment.

KRYTEN: 

Now, now boys, I don't want any Trouble.  

Just doing my rounds.

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.

KRYTEN: 

You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.

There is a scrape of stools and tables 

and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.

JIMMY: 

Why don't you try it, Sheriff.  

They say you used to be faster

  than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

KRYTEN: 

Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy, sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.

  Didn't mean any harm by it.

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

KRYTEN: 

Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, 

and make it the smooth stuff — 

The stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days.  Guaranteed.

JIMMY: 

( Looking out of The Saloon Doors )

The Apocalypse Boys is Here.  

( General Panic, giving way to hushed silence. )

They's asking for you, Sheriff.

KRYTEN: 

I'll be right out.

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky 

before leaving the saloon to face

The Apocalypse Boys on The Porch.

24 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE 

sit menacingly on horseback outside the saloon. 

The bat-wing doors part and a nervous 

KRYTEN emerges swigging from a bottle of hooch.

KRYTEN: 

I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.

DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, 

which fizzles on the street like acid.

DEATH: 

The Name's Death.  

And These Here're My Brothers.  

Brother War...

WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.

DEATH: 

Brother Famine...

Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.

DEATH: 

and Brother Pestilence.

PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth.  

He swipes idly at the swarm of buzzing flies around his head.

KRYTEN: 

Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys.  

How can I be Of Service?

All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, 

shooting KRYTEN's hat off, 

and his bottle from his hand, 

as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.

Finally the  gunfire stops.

DEATH: 

We want your sorry ass out of Here.  

You got one hour.

DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under

a dangling sign:  

'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE'

and as The HORSEMEN

ride under it, They disappear.  

KRYTEN takes off His Sheriff's Star 

and throws it on The Ground.

25 Int. Ops Room.

LISTER: 

He's losing The Battle. 

Look at his lifesigns, they're barely registering.

CAT: 

Isn't there some way we can 

Get in There and Help Him?  

Somehow turn ourselves 

into tiny electronic people 

and get into His Dream?  

Isn't there some sort of gizmo 

lying around someplace that can do that?  

And if not, (slaps table) why not?!

RIMMER: 

Look, I think we've all got something 

we can bring to this discussion.

But I think from now on, 

the thing you should bring is Silence.

LISTER: 

No, no, no, I think he's got something.

CAT: 

Twice in one lifetime!  

When you're hot, you're hot.

LISTER: 

If we link up the Artificial Reality console to Kryten's Mind, 

we should be able to project directly into his dream state 

like it was a normal Computer Game.

CAT: 

What did I tell you?  

We don't even have to leave the room!

RIMMER: 

What about me?

LISTER: 

We'll shut all extraneous systems 

and power up your hard-light drive.

Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.

Can't Get You Out Of My Head: An Emotional History of the Modern World

"What Happens to People when they are acted-upon by Powerful Ideas from Outside Them?"

AND...

"What Then Happens to Those Powerful Ideas, when They get inside Those People's Heads..?"

 

Adam Curtis interviewed by Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode

Simon Mayo & Mark Kermode talk to director Adam Curtis about his new series of documentary films,

 Can't Get You Out Of My Head: An Emotional History of the Modern World.

"What Happens to People when they are acted-upon by Powerful Ideas from Outside Them?"

A : “I Have a Bad Feeling About This...”

AND...

"What Then Happens to Those Powerful Ideas, when They get inside Those People's Heads..?"

A : The Force Awakens.

Volunteer Victims

Parks and Recreation - Bird Flu

 Give yourselves a hand. 

But your applause is premature. 

You just told us to applaud. 

Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? 

I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say. 

Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list, and they need to do it for free. 

I'm omelet. 

Get it? "I'm on it," 

"I'm omelet"? 

I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now. 

Okay, I'm heading out. 

Good-pie. Go. Gurt. Go-gurt. 

I'm incredible. - See you guys.

Okay. Donna, Jerry --  Leslie! 

Leslie, we need you back at The Command Centre right now! 

We have a class-one city emergency. 

Oh, my God. Gayle. 

My girls! 

What's The Emergency? 

Oh, This is Just a Drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's Real. 

Are you kidding me? 

The Disaster-Preparedness people picked today? 

Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by The Department of Emergency Preparedness. 

And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. 

On last year's report, they stated, 

"Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem." 

Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, so let's just knock some of this stuff off. 

Should someone stop Jerry? 

Gayle! 

Eh, he'll figure it out eventually. 

My name is Leonard Tchulm. 

I'm Head of the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness. 

And Today I'm going to bring Death and Destruction to your town. 

I am Leslie Knope. 

I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. 

And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient. 

Good, because The Best Day for a Drill is when it's inconvenient for everyone. 

My Mother is getting a colonoscopy today. 

I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope. 

Well, I'm very sorry to hear about Your Mother. 

Mm, we're not that close. 

Oh. Good. 

Okay, Volunteer Victims, please put your identification placards on now and go to your designated areas throughout Town. 

First Responders, return to your stations, and the simulation begins... N-n-n... 

Went past The zero. 

I got to wait till it goes... 

Okay, now. 

All right, officers, bolt the doors. 

We are officially in Lockdown Mode. 

The Doors will not open until Leonard announces that This Drill is complete. 

The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in This Room. 

This is a nightmare. 

Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. 

Nope, can't fly away. 

This is Real Life. 

And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random to determine your simulated disaster. 

Pawnee has been hit by... 

A strain of Avian 'flu. 

Yes! Avian 'flu! Jackpot. 

This is a simple one, guys. 

Everybody open their binders, okay?

"The Knope Protocol"?

Uh, correction. That's 

"Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol." 

Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, we will ace this Test, and we will be done in 90 minutes. 

"Step one-- insert the DVD scenario." 

Hmm, what could be on this? 

Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. 

Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. 

We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update. 

Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. 

I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about. 

This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."

Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? 

The tables showed up, which is good, but there are no chairs, which is bad. 

Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere. 

Great Leadership-- inspiring. 

Hey, can you hear me? 

Oh! Leslie, you on The TeeVee! 

Well, you're on mine, Brett.

We're having a video conference.

Oh, okay. 

Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu.

Tight. 

No, this is bad news. 

I need everyone there at Animal Control to eradicate all the infected birds in town. 

"Kill all birds."

This is for The Drill, right?

Yes. 

But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? 

No. No, just pretend. 

Right. So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? 

No. 

I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time. 

Okay, let's forget we ever talked. 

Got it. Kill 'em. 

Okay, casualty update-- only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. 

That Family took a terrible hit. 

Well, that's Great News. 

Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms--

Christopher Traeger.

What? 

A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a Killer Virus, and I feel fine. 

Therapy! 

This is highly irregular. 

We have followed protocol to the letter. 

No, you did not. 

Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department to shut down bus service. 

So you rode a bus with a contagious man, and he infected you and 39 others. 

That is impossible. 

I do not ride the bus. 

I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak. 

Doesn't matter. 

Prepare for The Diarrhea. 

Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? 

My bad, guys. That's my bad. 

Chris, very sorry. 

Damn it, Jamm. 

I should've had animal control kill you. 

Oh, who you want me to kill?

No one. 

I'll kill him... As soon as I'm done with these birds. 

Hey, how's it going? 

Uh, well, this simulated Disaster is a Total Disaster. 

How are you? 

Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today. 

Ron who? Ron Swanson? 

On television? 

You know we want people to come, right? 

Donna still can't find any chairs. 

We don't know where Jerry is. 

And now some Firemen are using the lot as a Triage Center for The Emergency Drill. 

Okay, here's what you do. 

Listen to me caref-- 

Attention :

Panic from The Outbreak has overloaded cell phone towers. 

Please deposit your phones into this box. 

Oh, my God, this drill will never end.

Okay, tell the firefighters... 

All phones. 

To set up triage at the high school... 

All phones.

And then to-- but I'm talking to someone important.

All phones. 

Let me tell him something important.

Fix it, Ben! Fix it!

Okay.

 What?

 I found one chair, got a lead on a second. 

Keep me posted. 

I'm afraid I have some very bad news :

"I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu." 

I'm Dead. 

I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels like you're putting us through the ringer here. 

Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? 

Uh... Probably six to eight more hours. 

Eight more hours?

Nine. 

Are all state emergency drills this intensive? 

Oh, no, hardly ever. 

Councilman Jamm requested it. 

Oh, really? 

Specifically asked that the drill to be done today and said I should give you everything I got. 

Mmhmm. Guys! Come here. 

The Game is rigged. 

Jamm invited Leonard here, and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down. 

It is with a heavy heart that I say, 

"We have been jammed." 

God, that guy is The Worst! 

Look, we are stuck in this room until The Drill is over. 

What are we gonna do? 

The Only Thing We Can Do. 

In order to save Our Park... 

We have to Destroy the entire town. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol. Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? Enough for 2,000 people. Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director - to flush them down the toilet. - You got it. Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR. Sorry. Won't they become infected? That's a risk we're gonna have to take. Our top priority is now saving all the birds. And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... A tornado quake! This is Ron. Go ahead, caller. Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that? Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. Good morning. And... it is a wrap. Everyone in Pawnee is dead. Including Councilman Jamm. What? No, no, you can't do that. It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about. Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about. Ms. Knope, I'm afraid I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. This was bad-- Fort Wayne bad. Bummer. Thank you for your time. I think we're done here. I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell. Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine. I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed! We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill. I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. No one had your cell number, Big "J." I find that hard to believe. Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? We have work to do. Status report. - Status report! - Well-- Nope, we don't have time for that. We're gonna have to postpone the gala, but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow. Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing. Leslie, it's okay. Oh, my God. You did all this? How did you get food? I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? Their competitors. I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food. I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, - but-- - No, Tom, I love it. And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens. How did you get the word out? Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day. Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage and then gave them and all the dead and wounded - two free drink tickets. - Wow. This is great. Thank you so much. Let's start the gala. Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry. - Hello, Chief Fugleberg. - Hey. That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? - Such a shame. - Oh, no. - Did he fail his test? - It's weird. He got 100% on his written test-- first guy in history to do it-- but he failed his personality examination. He's a sweet kid-- just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop. Oh, Andy. Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius. We could use his brains on the force. Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing. Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, we have reached our fund-raising goal. Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, will be poured right back into this wonderful project. And speaking of community, I'd like to thank my community-- my friends. It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, but it bears repeating-- No one achieves anything alone. Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee-- Mouse Rat. ♪ Park ♪ we will build it, the park ♪