(Which were, at the time, still brand-new — it’s an Erisian Labour of Discord-Sowing Mischief of a relative scale equivalent to that which Orson Welles achieved with his successful abuse of all of the narrative and editorial rules of Cinema (including ALL those which he himself had invented on Citizen Kane 30 years earlier, which was MOST of them) in F for Fake, a documentary film proof of the impossibility of the existence of such a thing as a documentary film....)
http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/3-3.htm
Episode 7 - The Feast of Steven
(Broadcast on December 25th 1965)
[Street]
(In fact, the poisonous atmosphere is no more than 1960's urban pollution.)
SERGEANT: What in the name of?
(The Tardis looks quite at home outside a Police Station somewhere in the North of England.)
SERGEANT: Who put that there?
(Returning to the station in their car, two police officers are full of seasonal cheer, and singing carols.)
CONSTABLE 1 (the driver) + CONSTABLE 2 (the passenger): When a poor man came inside, gathering winter fuel.
CONSTABLE 1: Here, I reckon we could charm the birds of the trees.
CONSTABLE 2: I'd settle for some from the coffee bars.
CONSTABLE 1: Here, what about 'While Shepherds Watch'? do you think they'd appreciate that?
CONSTABLE 2: Hey, now here's the Sergeant. Come on.
CONSTABLE 1: Oh.
CONSTABLE 2: Hello Sergeant, what you doing out here?
SERGEANT: Hey, come and have a look at this.
(They gather around the Tardis.)
CONSTABLE 2: Well, where did that come from?
SERGEANT: You tell me.
CONSTABLE 1: Oh, perhaps someone sent it to the Inspector as a Christmas box.
SERGEANT: And perhaps you'll both just stay out here and watch it.
CONSTABLE 1: Why? Do you think it's going to fly away?
SERGEANT: Just you stay there and keep an eye on it, right?
[Tardis]
STEVEN: And just why, if it isn't safe for us, is it safe for you?
DOCTOR: Will neither of you understand?
SARA: For heaven's sake, let's go and fix the scanner!
DOCTOR: No! Where you come from, in both places, the air is pure. Outside there is the worst kind of pollution I've met in years.
STEVEN: Right, then you shouldn't go out there, either.
DOCTOR: Ah, my dear boy, I'm used to all sorts of atmospheres. It won't affect me. I shall have to go out and do the repairing myself.
SARA: But suppose something happens to you?
DOCTOR: Then, and only then, can you come out. But you must be very, very careful.
STEVEN: And how are we supposed to know that something has happened to you?
DOCTOR: My dear young man, just give me a few minutes and if all is well, I shall be back inside again to tell you.
STEVEN: And if not, we come out and find you? I seem to have been through all this before.
DOCTOR: Now, look here, my boy. You will do as you're told! Now you just open the doors and remember to close them after I've gone.
STEVEN: Yes, sir!
[Street]
(The Doctor comes face to face with a policeman on guard outside.)
CONSTABLE 1: Good evening.
DOCTOR: Good evening.
CONSTABLE 1: Hey, you!
(The Doctor ducks back inside the Tardis.)
CONSTABLE 2: What's up?
CONSTABLE 1: See that?
CONSTABLE 2: See what?
CONSTABLE 1: That then.
CONSTABLE 2: What when?
CONSTABLE 1: That door,
CONSTABLE 2: That door?
CONSTABLE 1: It opened,
CONSTABLE 2: Did it?
CONSTABLE 1: There's a bloke in there.
CONSTABLE 2: Oh, aye?
CONSTABLE 1: A bloke with long white hair. I just saw him.
CONSTABLE 2: Did you?
CONSTABLE 1: Aye.
CONSTABLE 2: It's locked.
CONSTABLE 1: But I just saw him.
CONSTABLE 2: Oh, aye.
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: No, police. P-O-L-I-C-E.
SARA: Oh, I see. We've landed on your own planet.
DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, child. We're back on Earth.
SARA: But that's what's written outside the Tardis.
DOCTOR: Oh, never mind. Never mind. I shall have to go outside and try and distract them. Meanwhile, you can stay here for a while then come out and do the scanner.
STEVEN: Yes. But, you said the air out there was so bad, that if we went out
DOCTOR: Never mind what I said, my dear boy. Do as you're told. Now open the doors and remember to shut them after I've gone.
STEVEN: Yes, sir.
[Street]
(The Doctor is about to walk away when two voices stop him in his tracks.)
DOCTOR: Hmm.
CONSTABLE 2: It wouldn't be Father Christmas, would it?
CONSTABLE 1: All right lad. It's a fair cop.
(The Doctor is escorted into the police station.)
[Police station]
(The desk sergeant is dealing with another visitor.)
SERGEANT: All right. What can I do for you?
MAN: I've got a complaint.
SERGEANT: Well, the doctor's just around the corner.
MAN: No, no, no, no. I, I mean, I want to make a complaint.
SERGEANT: Oh, I see. Well, let's have your name then.
MAN: They keep moving me house.
SERGEANT: Moving your what?
MAN: House!
SERGEANT: They keep moving your house?
MAN: Yes. Me greenhouse. It's the rebels.
SERGEANT: The rebels?
CONSTABLE 1: Anyone in CID.?
SERGEANT: Oh, straight through.
CONSTABLE 1: Good. Come on.
DOCTOR: (to the man) Haven't I seen your face before somewhere?
MAN: Where?
DOCTOR: Yes, of course, I remember now, yes. The marketplace at Jaffa.
MAN: Jaffa? The young chap said I should come to see you about.
SERGEANT: Do what?
MAN: About me greenhouse. It's the rebels.
(Having seen the Doctor taken away, Steven emerges from the Tardis intent on trying to rescue him, but he's forced to hide behind the nearby police car when one of the officers reappears.)
[Inspector's office]
(The Doctor is being questioned by CID.)
INSPECTOR: I've heard of a housing shortage, but I never knew it was so bad you'd have to spend Christmas in a Police Box.
DOCTOR: Oh, Christmas. Oh, is it? Of course. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That accounts for the holly in the hall.
INSPECTOR: You mean you didn't know?
DOCTOR: Well, of course I didn't know. I travel about too much.
INSPECTOR: And why is that?
DOCTOR: Well, a quest of knowledge, dear boy. I mean, you have a saying in this country, have you not? Travel broadens the mind?
INSPECTOR: You mean you're not English?
DOCTOR: No. Gracious, no.
INSPECTOR: Scottish?
DOCTOR: No.
INSPECTOR: Are you Welsh, then?
DOCTOR: Oh, you'll have to think in a far bigger way than that. Your ideas are too narrow, too small, too crippled.
INSPECTOR: All right, all right. What are you then?
DOCTOR: Well, I suppose you might say that I am a citizen of the universe, and a gentleman to boot.
CONSTABLE 2: He's having us on a bit, isn't he sir?
INSPECTOR: Now, look lad.
(Outside, the police officer moves and Steven comes out of hiding. He seems unsure how best to proceed, but then spots the tunic of a police uniform on the back seat of the car. Making sure no one is about, Steven opens the car door.)
[Police station]
MAN: And now they've been and gone and moved it again.
SERGEANT: Oh, where to this time?
MAN: I don't know. That's why I came to see you. The young fellow.
SERGEANT: You sure it's not out there along beside the, oh, here, just a minute.
(Steven comes in, now dressed in police uniform.)
STEVEN: Er, excuse me.
SERGEANT: Ah. You must be the new bloke from G Division, come to help us out.
STEVEN: I, I beg your pardon?
SERGEANT: I said you must be the new bloke from G Division.
STEVEN: Must I? Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, that's right. Yes, I've called about the old man.
SERGEANT: Old man? What old man?
STEVEN: Well, he was brought in here a minute ago.
SERGEANT: Oh, he's with the CID. You'd better wait until they've finished with him.
STEVEN: Fine, yeah. Well, I've got to get to him.
SERGEANT: Well, you'll have to wait, lad. He'll be out here again soon. Now wait over there.
MAN: Now what about my greenhouse?
SERGEANT: Oh, yes. Now where was it you said?
MAN: Well, for a start, it's not in me garden.
[Inspector's office]
DOCTOR: I don't think you really understand. That object in the yard out there isn't really a police box.
INSPECTOR: No, no, of course it's not. It's the new Brighton ferry.
DOCTOR: It is a machine for investigating Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.
(The officers draw discreetly to one side.)
CONSTABLE 2: He's a nutter.
INSPECTOR: He's straight from a funny-farm, if you ask me.
DOCTOR: Do I take it that you gentlemen are imputing that I am mentally deranged?
CONSTABLE 2: I told you. He's a nutter.
INSPECTOR: Was he the only bloke in the box?
CONSTABLE 1: Well how should I know?
INSPECTOR: Well didn't you check? There might be a whole army of them in there, living like gypsies in one of Her Majesty's police telephone boxes.
CONSTABLE 2: And just how many people do you expect to come out of one box?
[Street]
(Sara comes out of the Tardis, considering how she might climb up to fix the scanner eye, and rather concerned that the Doctor and Steven have not yet returned. SARA: Where have they got to?
CONSTABLE 1: Hello, Hello. What are you doing hanging around here on Christmas Day?
SARA: Nothing.
CONSTABLE 1: Surprised to see a police box here, I suppose?
SARA: Oh! You think it's yours?
CONSTABLE 1: Well, not mine exactly. Well, let's say it belongs to us, eh? So why don't you leave it where it is and just move along, eh?
SARA: I've got to fix it.
CONSTABLE 1: Fix what?
SARA: The scanner eye.
CONSTABLE 1: The scanner eye?
SARA: Yes.
CONSTABLE 1: Oh, you do?
SARA: Yes.
CONSTABLE 1: Oh. Well, we usually get the jokers around here at Christmas time, but we have to be lenient. So, just move along, eh?
SARA: I can't.
CONSTABLE 1: Oh, yes you can, young lady. That's enough of joking. I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself at that party you're going to, so why not go down there now.
SARA: I'm not going to a party.
CONSTABLE 1: Well, wherever you are going dressed up in them fancy clothes, you leave now and there won't be no trouble.
SARA: I've got to stay here.
CONSTABLE 1: Now you take my advice, young lady, and leave now. Otherwise, I might have to run you in for loitering or something like that. I wouldn't like to have to do that. We've had a bit of trouble like that already tonight. You see, we don't like people hanging around. But at Christmas time we have to be lenient, and we don't want to be too difficult for you.
SARA: But. Oh, very well.
CONSTABLE 1: Have a, have a, have a swinging time. Funny girl.
SARA: The idiots. They've obviously got themselves into some kind of trouble.
[Police station]
SERGEANT: Why don't you sit down, lad. You're making the place look untidy.
(At that moment, the Doctor is brought out of the interrogation room.)
STEVEN: It's all right?
DOCTOR: Of course, of course. And what are you doing here?
INSPECTOR: Who are you? Do you know this man?
STEVEN: Yes. I, I mean, aye.
SERGEANT: He's the extra bloke from G Division, sir.
STEVEN: Oh, yeah. It's all right. I'll look after him.
INSPECTOR: Well, if you know him, perhaps you can tell us what he's doing in a police box.
STEVEN: A what?
INSPECTOR: That police box across the yard. He claims to live in it.
STEVEN: Hold on, just a minute. It'll be all right. Just a minute. Oh, er, it's all right, er, you see, he's a funny fellow but I know how to handle him. We're used to him down in G Division.
INSPECTOR: Very well. Well, get him out of here, and see that he steers clear of that police box.
STEVEN: Right. I'll do that, sir. Right. Er, come on then, old man.
DOCTOR: Enough of the old man either. What's all this funny accent?
STEVEN: Everybody else is doing it.
SERGEANT: I'll come with you, make sure you can manage.
(Steven makes a great show of manhandling the Doctor out into the street.)
[Street]
CONSTABLE 2: Hey, you! Hey you, what you playing at?
STEVEN: We've got to reach the Tardis, and hurry.
(Now Sara has been apprehended.
CONSTABLE 2: I don't know what it is about that police box, but first of all, the old bloke comes out of it. Now I catch this lass climbing about on it.
SARA: Please let me go!
STEVEN: It's all right. I know her too.
SERGEANT: Aye. You seem to know all the queer people. Well, who is she?
STEVEN: Well, she's a, she's a friend of the old man's.
SARA: Let me go! Come on, Steven.
(With a well-aimed elbow, Sara struggles free, and she and Steven slip into the Tardis after the Doctor. It dematerialises.)
CONSTABLE 1: Hello. hello. What's up with you? 'ere, 'ere, it's gone.
CONSTABLE 2: What?
CONSTABLE 1: That telephone box, it's gone. Weren't it meant for us?
[Tardis]
STEVEN: I found this jacket, so they thought I was one of their group. And when you appeared on the scene they were completely mystified.
DOCTOR: Well, even I, dear boy, must admit that I enjoyed myself. Did you fix the scanner?
SARA: I did. And no help from either of you.
DOCTOR: Oh.
STEVEN: At least it's working.
DOCTOR: Have you checked it?
SARA: Of course not. After that man grabbed me I didn't have a chance.
DOCTOR: Never mind, never mind. Is the taranium safe?
STEVEN: Yes. Over there.
SARA: Oh, I'd forgotten about the Daleks.
DOCTOR: Now, that's one thing you mustn't do, my dear. Remember, they have the same type of machines and they can follow us.
STEVEN: Yes. But, they won't have found out about the switch yet.
DOCTOR: No, I sincerely hope not.
SARA: While we have the taranium their plan cannot work.
DOCTOR: I don't think the Daleks will attack the Solar System until they've checked their Time Destructor.
STEVEN: Then what can we do?
DOCTOR: Well, I think we might, perhaps, be able to destroy the taranium before they catch us up.
SARA: I think we've stopped again.
DOCTOR: Yes, we might, we might still be on Earth. Wait a minute.
DOCTOR: Oh, no. The atmosphere has improved considerably. Yes, let's have a look at the scanner. It might tell us something.
(The Tardis appears to have materialised inside a wood mill. A woman screams.)
DOCTOR: The door!
(A tall man in a long dark cape comes into view, dragging a young girl across the barn towards a huge circular saw.)
[Wood mill film set]
(There's a piano playing in the background.)
BLOSSOM: (screaming) Oh, No! No! No!
TRANTON: And then my secret will be safe forever. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
BLOSSOM: (screaming) No! Help me! Somebody help me!
TRANTON: Your cries cannot be heard. The sawmills are miles from anywhere. Ha, ha.
(Steven, still dressed as a policeman, dashes from the Tardis and attacks the man, knocking him over. Sara rushes forward and unties the girl. But all is not as it seems. The Tardis has landed on a Hollywood movie set in the early days of film.)
BLOSSOM: Oh! Somebody! Oh! Stop! Oh! Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!
GREEN: Cut! Cut! Who let those bums in here?
BLOSSOM: Steinberger, they've ruined my scene! Oh!
GREEN: It's that guy, DeMille. He's trying to sabotage me! Get those bums out of here!
(Several cameramen move in to overpower them. Sara uses her combat skills to decimate the opposition, Steven helping as best he can. In the melee they manage to escape.)
GREEN: Did you see those two? Wait. I want them back here.
BLOSSOM: Oh, Steinberger, what are you going to do about it?
(Steinberger P Green is delighted with their performance, Blossom LeFevre and the leading man less so.)
GREEN: Pipe down now. There's no camera running now. Save it for later.
TRANTON: Steinberger, look at my eye.
GREEN: (to a crewman) Hey you!
TRANTON: Look what they've done to my eye.
GREEN: I want those two back here. He's great!
TRANTON: Am I, or am I not, the star of this picture?
GREEN: bigger than Fairbanks! Well, don't just stand there,
TRANTON: Look what they've done to my eye. Look at my eye! Look at my eye!
GREEN: Go get them!
(And so the hunt was on.)
[Studio corridor]
(Running down the corridor between two studios Steven meets the Doctor.)
DOCTOR: Where's Sara?
STEVEN: I must've lost her. Where are we?
DOCTOR: In here quick.
(They pass a small figure that looks suspiciously like Charlie Chaplin then dive through a door into a vast room full of costumes.)
[Sheik's tent set]
SHEIK: And then I will come to you on my camel, and sweep you away across the desert.
INGMAR: No. No. Terrible!
ASSISTANT: OK, Harry. Cut that at 23 (other words are drowned out as he continues the stage instructions)
INGMAR: You've got to give it more feeling. She's not a sack of potatoes.
VAMP: No. He is the sack of potatoes. Where did you find him, on a rubbish dump?
SHEIK: I resent that!
GREEN: Iggy. Iggy! Did you see them?
INGMAR: Who? Who?
GREEN: A guy and a gal. They just beat the living daylights out of my camera crew. It was great!
INGMAR: Perhaps you like your film interrupted, but I do not. Please do not interrupt me when I am creating.
MAN: Mister Kenoff? Mister Kenoff?
INGMAR: Knopf. Ingmar Knopf.
MAN: Mister Knopf, Professor Webster's here, sir.
INGMAR: Ah, good. Send him to me at once. I need him in this next scene.
MAN: Yes, sir.
GREEN: You should have seen him! He was great! Bigger than Fairbanks! I've got to find a name for him! Something suave!
INGMAR: No please, no please, do whatever you like, but leave me alone! Get off my set! I'm trying to make a film!
(Knopf spots Sara creeping round the back of his set.)
INGMAR: Who is this girl? If she's one of the harem, why is she wearing that extraordinary clothing? Tell her to get them off! Send her to wardrobe!
[Corridor]
(The door from wardrobe to the corridor opens and Steven and the Doctor emerge.)
DOCTOR: No, I must find Sara.
STEVEN: You think she's still in this place?
DOCTOR: I'll try out there first. You wait here.
(An assistant director spots Steven in his police uniform.)
ASSISTANT: Oh, there you are! Everybody's waiting.
STEVEN: No. Not
ASSISTANT: Don't argue. Come on.
(The Assistant Director puts a truncheon into Steven's hand and drags him to the nearby set, a Keystone Kops movie. Steven is horrified.)
STEVEN: I'm nothing to do with your film.
(Steven breaks free and dashes down the passageway closely pursued by two other Kops. A moment later he's carried kicking and shouting back the way they came.)
STEVEN [OC]: Put me down! Put me down!! I have never taken part in a scene I swear.
(Despite his protests, Steven is bundled off into the action and soon finds himself embroiled in a crazy car chase, which ends in rather inevitable disaster. As the dust settles, Steven takes his chance and runs off again.)
ASSISTANT: Now where's he got to? We need him to do that scene again.
[Sheik's tent]
SHEIK: And then I will come to you. And then I will come to you. And then I will come to you on my camel and I will sweep you away across the desert.
INGMAR: All right. All right. Professor Webster isn't here yet, so please don't exhaust your capabilities.
SHEIK: Now look here, Mister Kenoff!
INGMAR: Knopf. Ingmar Knopf.
SHEIK: Kenerve. You can't talk to me like that. I am an actor!
VAMP: What? He is not an actor. You are a cheap pig.
SHEIK: Get lost, fraulein.
(As the crew ready themselves for the next take, the Doctor appears and enters into the spirit of things by immediately being mistaken for someone else.)
INGMAR: Professor Webster! Where have you been all this time?
DOCTOR: Hmm?
INGMAR: We've been waiting for you. As our expert on Arabian customs we need your help.
DOCTOR: Certainly, certainly. My help? Oh, I shall be delighted. Yes. (speaks arabic).
INGMAR: How very good, Professor.
DOCTOR: Doctor, please.
INGMAR: Oh, Doctor! Now this is a rich Sheik's tent.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes. And who is this?
INGMAR: She is an Arabian princess.
DOCTOR: Nonsense! You put some more clothes on, child. Go along. And what's all this?
(The Doctor raps on a nearly chest. It opens and Sara climbs out.)
INGMAR: What are you doing in there? Please, get out. You are in the next scene, the harem scene, please.
DOCTOR: Come on. To the wardrobe. The wardrobe.
INGMAR: Doctor, where are you going?
(But what has happened to Steven?)
[Corridor]
(Eluding the Assistant Director, Steven takes the precaution of removing the police tunic to avoid any future misunderstandings. He's heading back to the Tardis when - )
STEVEN: Sara, where've you been?
SARA: I don't know, but a strange man kept telling me to take my clothes off.
DOCTOR: Now, come along. We must go back to the Tardis. This is a madhouse. It's all full of Arabs. Come along.
(Meanwhile, all was not well at the old barn.)
[Wood mill film set]
GREEN: Sure, baby, sure. I know it was a bit of a shock.
BLOSSOM: You're trying to get rid of me. You don't want me as your star any more.
GREEN: Of course I do, baby. You're great. I don't want those kids for your kind of a picture.
BLOSSOM: But, you said you were going to make him bigger than Fairbanks. I suppose you're going to make her bigger than (lost under background dialogue)
GREEN: No, honey, no. She's not that kind of a girl. You're the one I'm gonna make great. Now look. You're gonna, you're gonna take one more take, huh? Please?
BLOSSOM: Oh, all right. But this will be the last time.
GREEN: Sure, sure. Quiet everybody! Set up for a take!
MAN: Set up for a take!
VOICES: Set up for a take!
GREEN: Makeup!
MAN: Makeup!
(Suddenly Green spots Steven and Sara trying to sneak around the back of the set towards the Tardis.)
GREEN: Stop! Stop those two!
MAN: Hey, you two! Come back here!
GREEN: Stop those two!
BLOSSOM: No! No, no, no, no. Oh!
(The Chase was on.)
STEVEN: Come on, Sara.
GREEN: Stop those two!
(During the chase, the Doctor finds a dejected looking clown leaning against the Tardis door.)
DOCTOR: Come back, you two!
CLOWN: Typical. When you're new around here, they chase you, but after a while, you're off.
DOCTOR: What's that?
CLOWN: All the time they want something new. New jokes. There aren't any.
DOCTOR: Aren't there? Well, that's a joke in itself.
CLOWN: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. ha, ha, ha, ha.
(Sara and Steven race down some stairs, once again interrupting the work of the great Ingmar Knopf.)
[Sheik's tent]
INGMAR: What are you two doing? Get them out of here. And will you please tell those girls to get changed?
AIDE: Ya, ya, Mister Knopf.
(Meanwhile, back at the Tardis)
[Wood mill film set]
CLOWN: Custard pies have been done by Chaplin, so I'm not allowed to.
DOCTOR: Quite, quite. Now would you mind moving
CLOWN: A drink of water, done by Chaplin. Banana skins
CLOWN + DOCTOR: All done by Chaplin.
[Sheik's tent]
(Knopf is setting up another shot.
CAMERAMAN: Now we start in close, see? And then we'll dolly back down along there.
INGMAR: Hey, where's Webster?
GREEN: Which way did they go?
INGMAR: What are you up to? Please, where's Webster?
GREEN: They came through here! Where did they go?
INGMAR: Two fools rushed over there somewhere.
GREEN: Wait!
INGMAR: Where's Webster? Where's Webster?!
[Wood mill film set]
CLOWN: They They won't even let me do the wallpaper and paste routine. You know why?
DOCTOR: Done by Chaplin.
CLOWN: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Now would you excuse me?
CLOWN: I'll tell you something. That little Englishman has done everything. I think I'll give it up and take to singing.
DOCTOR: Yes.
CLOWN: But who'd use a singer with a name like Bing Crosby?
DOCTOR: Custard pies and Bing Crosby! Ha!
STEVEN: Doctor!
(Sara and Steven finally manage to get back to the Tardis and dash inside, pulling the Doctor in after them. It dematerialises. Neither Steinberger P Green, nor Ingmar Knopf have ever seen an illusion like it.)
BLOSSOM: Steinberger, just when are we going to do my scene, huh?
GREEN: What a great trick! They just disappeared!
INGMAR: Webster! Come back! Come back, Webster! Come back!
GREEN: What a great trick. It's the greatest! How's it done?
(Fighting his way through the confusion, a little Englishman in pebble glasses approaches Knopf.)
GREEN: Hey, come back! Where is it? Come back!
WEBSTER: Excuse me.
INGMAR: What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?
WEBSTER: I'm Professor Webster.
INGMAR: Who? You?
WEBSTER: Yes, Professor Webster.
INGMAR: Darling!
(And so they all lived happily ever after)
[Tardis]
SARA: Whatever was that place?
STEVEN: Oh, I've no idea. I'm glad we got away.
SARA: What were they doing?
STEVEN: Your guess is as good as mine. Let's hope we never land there again.
SARA: Oh.
DOCTOR: Here we are.
STEVEN: What's this?
DOCTOR: Well, we so rarely get a chance to celebrate, but this time we must.
SARA: Celebrate?
DOCTOR: Yes. It's Christmas.
SARA: Is it?
DOCTOR: Don't you remember? The police station? Christmas?
STEVEN: So it was, yes.
DOCTOR: Here's a toast. A Happy Christmas to all of us.
SARA: Oh.
STEVEN: Same to you, Doctor. Sara.
DOCTOR: (direct to camera) Incidentally, a Happy Christmas to all of you at home!
Episode 8 - Volcano
[Dalek base]
(On the planet Kembel, the Daleks have completed work on the Time Destructor.)
DALEK 1: Inform the Dalek Supreme that the Time Destructor is ready for testing.
DALEK 2: Are all circuits operational?
DALEK 1: Yes, the taranium core has been fitted.
[Dalek Control room]
CELATION: Having had your contribution to this great weapon stolen, it must be a relief to you now that the Daleks have managed to recover it.
CHEN: Without my help, it is unlikely that they'd have got it back.
TRANTIS: At least that absurd story that it was my people from Trantis who stole the taranium has been discredited.
CELATION: Yes. They were from Earth, I believe.
CHEN: Only two of them and they are under the influence of some creature from another galaxy.
TRANTIS: He looked like an Earth creature.
CHEN: That's only a disguise. The Daleks know of him. He is some kind of time and space traveller.
CELATION: Then he is nothing to do with me. We have not yet conquered the dimension of time.
CHEN: I hear your experiments in that field are progressing, Trantis.
TRANTIS: We have not yet succeeded. Only the Daleks know how to break the time barrier.
CELATION: And this other creature, from wherever he comes.
CHEN: Oh, he's of no importance now. After all, we're here to witness the testing of the Time Destructor, are we not?
BLACK: All is ready?
DALEK: It is.
BLACK: Programme it for testing.
DALEK: All that is needed is a subject.
BLACK: The subject has been selected.
(It looks at Trantis.)
[Tardis]
(The Doctor is viewing the read out on the console with some concern.)
SARA: What do you mean, you don't know?
DOCTOR: My dear, this machine can only tell us we're being followed, ,ot who by.
STEVEN: It must be the Daleks.
DOCTOR: Yes, a hasty conclusion, but possibly right. Although I don't understand how they could have tested that taranium so quickly.
SARA: We must get back to the planet Kembel.
DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense, my dear.
SARA: We must. We've got to destroy the Daleks' invasion fleet.
[Dalek Control room]
(From the observation area, Celation and Chen watch as a petrified Trantis is forced into the test chamber by two Daleks.)
CELATION: I wonder why they chose him?
CHEN: It was his own choice really.
CELATION: What do you mean?
CHEN: He was so eager to make a contribution to the time destructor that they've let him make one. His life.
BLACK: Prepare to activate the time destructor.
DALEK: Are the other two creatures to be present at the destruction?`
BLACK: Yes. Their greed for power is so great that they can be trusted. Activate the machine.
DALEK: I obey.
(The Time Destructor is energised, humming and pulsing into life. Prepared for the worst, Trantis sinks to his knees, his face twisted in terror.)
CHEN: So that's what's supposed to happen. A kind of abject insanity.
CELATION: I do not know, though I always thought Trantis was a little unstable anyway.
CHEN: Nothing's happening to him.
CELATION: The Time Destructor does not work.
CHEN: But that's impossible. It must work. It must.
BLACK: The destructor is having no effect.
DALEK: The mechanism is functioning perfectly. The fault is in the taranium!
(The truth begins to sink in. The Dalek Supreme glides across the control room to confront Chen.)
BLACK: The taranium core has failed.
CHEN: It can't be true. There must be some mistake.
BLACK: The Daleks do not make mistakes. You have lied to us. You have not given us the taranium.
CHEN: Why should I lie? I can only benefit from my alliance with you. I brought you taranium, the real taranium.
BLACK: The core is worthless.
CHEN: No! No, it can't be. It came from Uranus. I know it did.
BLACK: We fitted the core you gave us. It has failed to activate the Time Destructor, therefore it is not taranium.
CHEN: It was the old man, that time-traveller.
CELATION: What?
CHEN: He must have changed it.
CELATION: But it was you who said that what he gave you was the taranium core.
CHEN: I know, but I didn't check. How could I? The old man fooled us. The Daleks should have checked before they fitted it, before they let the old man go.
BLACK: Report to Skaro. They must send a time machine to us immediately.
DALEK: I obey.
BLACK: You will both wait here.
CELATION: But this is nothing to do with me. I was invited as an observer.
BLACK: Very well, you can return to your section. You, Mavic Chen, will wait here for the arrival of the time machine.
CHEN: Yes.
DALEK: What about the subject?
BLACK: The subject? Exterminate him.
(Emerging from the test chamber, Trantis believes for a moment that he's escaped death, before he's ruthlessly destroyed. As Trantis falls to the floor, Chen tries to conceal his horror at this callous demonstration.
[Tardis]
(Steven is monitoring the time curve indicator)
STEVEN: It's still following us.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes.
SARA: When are we going to land?
DOCTOR: Pretty soon, my dear, pretty soon.
SARA: And I thought you knew what you were doing.
DOCTOR: I know full well what I'm doing, child. Now don't get so excited.
STEVEN: They're getting closer, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Hmm? Yes, I see. Yes, I must do something drastic.
SARA: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Landing, my dear. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
[Cricket ground]
(At the Oval in South London, a match is in full swing.)
TREVOR: Well, the English batsmen are really fighting against the clock now, Scott.
SCOTT: (Australian) My word, yes. Seventy eight runs in forty five minutes to win.
TREVOR: It really has been an exciting game, hasn't it, Scott?
SCOTT: Very exciting.
TREVOR: Well, let's have a look at the scoreboard, shall we? Now, you'll see. Goodness me, take a look at that, Scott.
(The Tardis materialises on the field.)
SCOTT: Take a look at what, Trev?
TREVOR: There's a police telephone box on the pitch.
SCOTT: My word, yes.
TREVOR: Well this really is extraordinary. You don't remember anything like this happening before, do you, Scott?
SCOTT: No. No.
TREVOR: Well, anyway, Ross is looking through the record books and if there has been anything like it before, I'm sure he'll find it for us.
SCOTT: You know, Trev, this puts a new light on the game.
TREVOR: What light's that, Scott?
SCOTT: Well, I know your ground staff are excellent, but even assuming they get rid of it in say, ten minutes, England will still have to get their seventy eight runs in thirty five minutes.
TREVOR: Yes. Yes, well I think we can safely say this has been a very bad break for England.
SCOTT: A very bad break. Especially as the weather's been holding off so well.
TREVOR: Yes, it has, hasn't it. Been holding off remarkably well. Well, let's have another look at the scoreboard shall we, although not very much has been happening these last few
SCOTT: It's making a funny noise.
TREVOR: What's that, Scott?
SCOTT: A funny noise coming from the police box.
(The Tardis dematerialises.)
SCOTT: It's gone again, Trev.
TREVOR: Yes, so it has. Well, that wasn't too bad was it, Scott?
SCOTT: Two and a half minutes, I make it, Trev.
TREVOR: Yes, well there's the position. England wanting seventy eight runs in forty two and a half minutes to win.
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: Yes, it's definitely some sporting occasion.
SARA: Oh, I hardly think so, Doctor.
STEVEN: Was it on Earth, do you think?
DOCTOR: Oh, possibly, my dear fellow, possibly.
STEVEN: Yes, well, wherever it was, there's still someone on our tail. Here, look at this.
DOCTOR: Yes, my plan hasn't worked. Following us closely.
[Dalek Control room]
(A Dalek time machine materialises.)
DALEK: Your order has been carried out. The time machine is ready to commence operations.
BLACK: Excellent. Organise a task force for the pursuit of the time travellers.
DALEK: I obey.
BLACK: Ascertain their position on the space time scope.
DALEK: I obey.
BLACK: Mavic Chen, you will accompany the task force. You will ensure that the taranium core is returned to Kembel.
CHEN: Of course. I shall do everything in my power.
BLACK: If you fail, or if we find that you have deceived us, you will suffer the same fate as the time travellers. Annihilation!
[Tardis]
(The planet Tigus is riddled with volcanoes, lava running in steaming bubbling rivers. It is here the Tardis materialises on the slopes of a deep volcanic crater.)
SARA: Where are we, Doctor? Do you know?
STEVEN: It doesn't look very pleasant, does it?
DOCTOR: No, we must take off quite soon.
SARA: It's stopped.
STEVEN: What does that mean, Doctor? Have we shaken it off?
DOCTOR: No, my boy, we haven't shaken them off. Whoever it was following us has landed. They've landed out there.
(Not far away, a large boulder stands alone on the uneven volcanic ground. It appears even more odd when a door opens in the side of the boulder and the figure of a man in monk's robes appears. The Monk scans the horizon using a pair of binoculars and is delighted when he spots the Doctor's Tardis a short distance away.)
[Planet surface]
STEVEN: You know, Doctor, it would help if we knew what we were looking for.
SARA: I still say it was madness to come out here. We should have taken off again or tried to get back to Kembel.
DOCTOR: My dear young girl, what good would it be to run away? The sooner we find who's pursuing us the better.
(Steven sits down on some rocks then stands up again hurriedly.)
STEVEN: Hey! Hey, this is hot.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I can well imagine that. This is a new planet, my boy. It's cooling down, cooling down. Fascinating. Yes, extremely fascinating. I wonder? I wonder who'd take the time and trouble to follow us? Yes, I think there is an explanation, but unlikely. Possible, very possible.
(As the Doctor and his companions widen their search, The Monk circles round behind them. He manages to avoid being spotted and at last reaches the Doctor's Tardis. Petulantly he kicks at the ship but only succeeds in hurting his foot. It's time for a more scientific approach. The Monk takes a small pencil laser from his tool bag and puts on a pair of dark goggles to protect his eyes. He applies the laser to the Tardis lock. There is no apparent damage to the Tardis, but the Monk seems delighted with his handiwork. Putting his tools away, he sets off back to his own ship.)
DOCTOR: Hello there! Hello! Don't you think we should meet and talk it over?
STEVEN: Doctor, who are we waiting for?
DOCTOR: Oh, you'll see, my boy, you'll see.
STEVEN: Oh, come on, tell us, otherwise you'll say you're right whoever we meet.
DOCTOR: You lack one quality of all the others, my boy, and that is patience.
(On a ridge above them, the Monk comes into view, a large rock raised defensively over his head.)
SARA: Doctor, look!
DOCTOR: Ah, tut, tut, tut, my dear Monk. Now don't be so ridiculous. Put that down at once.
MONK: Well, hello, Doctor. Keeping well?
DOCTOR: Oh, no complaints, no. And you?
MONK: Oh, so so, you know, just so so.
SARA: Who is it?
MONK: Delighted to see you again, young man.
STEVEN: Thanks. I wish I could say the same for you.
DOCTOR: I suppose congratulations for your escape are quite in order.
MONK: Oh, thank you. Most kind of you, Doctor. Yes, it took a bit of time, but I finally managed to bypass the dimensional controller.
DOCTOR: Yes, a very interesting solution, yes, I'm sure, though I think it would make for rather an uncomfortable ride. However, I don't suppose it affected you very much, being an amateur.
MONK: Yes, it was rather uncomfortable, but then, we can't have everything, can we? As for being an amateur, we shall see. Anyway, it was better than 1066.
DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so.
SARA: What's he talking about, 1066?
STEVEN: It's all right. We've met the Monk once before. I'll explain later.
DOCTOR: And you returned here for one obvious reason, did you not?
MONK: I'm afraid so, Doctor. Revenge is a strange thing, isn't it?
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, quite, quite. Tell me, any plans?
MONK: And all carried out as well. Oh, ho. Doctor, you remember you left me in 1066? Now I've marooned you on the planet Tigus. Look! Oh, it's funny this. Forgive me laughing, Doctor, but I don't seem to be able to control it. Well, goodbye, Doctor. Perhaps I'll come back one day and rescue you.
STEVEN: Hey, wait a minute.
DOCTOR: Don't waste your breath, young man. The most important thing is, is to find out what he's done to the Tardis. Come on.
[Outside the Tardis]
(The Doctor tries to unlock the door but his key will not work.)
DOCTOR: Reset the lock mechanism. He probably used some kind of ray.
SARA: What does that mean?
DOCTOR: That means we cannot get back into the Tardis, child!
(From a safe distance, the Monk watches gleefully as Steven tries picking the lock without success.)
DOCTOR: Oh, you will achieve nothing, dear boy, nothing.
SARA: Yes, perhaps, but it's better than just accepting everything.
DOCTOR: Yes, like I am, I suppose?
STEVEN: Well, you haven't been taking much interest have you, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh, and why not, dear boy, why not? Because I am using my brain. I'm trying to solve this problem.
(The Doctor takes off his ring and looks at it thoughtfully.)
DOCTOR: Now just stand back and cover your eyes, please.
(He angles the ring so as to reflect the glare of Tigus' sun onto the lock.)
STEVEN: What does that do?
DOCTOR: Perhaps nothing, perhaps everything. Will you do as you're told at once. Cover your eyes, please.
(Sara tries the door.)
SARA: It hasn't worked.
DOCTOR: Wait a moment, child.
(The Doctor uses his key to unlock the door then stands aside.)
DOCTOR: Now try.
STEVEN: You're a genius, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Yes, I know, my boy. I know.
(The Tardis dematerialises. The Monk can barely believe his eyes.)
MONK: Oh, no, no. Don't think I'm going to leave it at this. You haven't heard the last of me, Doctor. You haven't heard the last of me!
[Tardis]
STEVEN: If you ask me, we haven't heard the last of that monk.
DOCTOR: Quite so, dear boy. He'll be on our trail again as fast as he can get going.
SARA: Yes, but next time we'll be expecting him.
DOCTOR: Exactly, my dear, exactly. Now, Steven, there's something I want you to do. Go to that indicator and let me know the instant the Monk's Tardis registers.
STEVEN: Yes, all right, but first you tell us something. How did you break that lock?
DOCTOR: Oh, that's all very simple, dear boy. You see the sun in that particular galaxy has very unusual powers. I merely reflected its powers through that ring.
SARA: Is there something special about it?
DOCTOR: Yes, it has certain properties. The combined forces of that sun together with the stone in that ring was sufficient enough to correct the Monk's interference.
STEVEN: Yes, but what properties has it?
DOCTOR: Now, I don't want to discuss this anymore. Please, about turn, and do as you're told. Go along.
[Dalek Control room]
(The Dalek's time machine is prepared and ready to leave Kembel. A squad of Daleks files aboard, accompanied by Mavic Chen. The door closes behind them.)
DALEK: The task force is now aboard.
BLACK: Commence count down.
(In the background a Dalek counts down from 100.)
DALEK 2: The enemy ship is preparing to land.
BLACK: Compute their bearing and advise task force. Task force will use the homing beam.
DALEK: Enemy ship located. Space time bearing, planet Earth, London, 1966.
[Tardis]
(The Tardis has materialised in Trafalgar Square just before midnight, New Year's Eve 1966. Not knowing quite what to make of it, Steve observes the boisterous revelry on the scanner.)
STEVEN: Well, you won't be able to carry out your repairs here, Doctor.
DOCTOR: No.
SARA: It's some sort of celebration, isn't it?
DOCTOR: I don't quite know, you just listen, my dear, listen.
(Church bells are pealing.)
[Dalek Control room]
DALEK [OC]: Twenty two, twenty one, twenty, nineteen, eighteen
[Tardis]
DOCTOR: It's Earth. I've seen that place before.
SARA: What do you think they're celebrating?
DOCTOR: Well, as far as I can remember, I've seen them behave in a fashion like that on a former occasion.
STEVEN: What was that?
DOCTOR: The Relief of Mafeking.
[Dalek Control room]
DALEK [OC]: Four, three, two, one, zero.
(The Dalek time machine dematerialises.)
BLACK: Report to Skaro. Our time machine is now in pursuit. Nothing can match Dalek technology. The universe shall be ours. Conquest is assured.
ALL: Conquest! Conquest! Conquest! Conquest! Conquest!
