Adopt, Adapt and Improve

 

Orchid hunting is a mortal occupation. 

Victorian-era orchid hunter William Arnold drowned on a collecting expedition. 

Osmers vanished without a trace in Asia. 

Augustus Margary survived toothache, rheumatism, pleurisy and dysentery, 

only to be murdered when he completed his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo. 

Laroche loved orchids, but I... 

I came to believe he loved the difficulty and fatality of getting them almost as much as he loved the orchids themselves. 

John Laoche, Orchid Hunter :

I've been a professional horticulturist for like 12 years. 

Uh, I owned my own plant nursery, 

which was destroyed by the hurricane. 

I'm a professional plant lecturer. 

I've given over, like, 60 lectures 

on the cultivation of plants. 

I'm a published author, 

both in magazine 

and book form. 

And I have extensive experience with orchids 

and the asexual micropropagation of orchids 

under aseptic cultures. 

That's laboratory work. 

It's not at all like your 

nursery work. 

Um... 

I'm probably the smartest person I know.

Fascinating.

Susan Orlean :

Hi. I'm looking for John Laroche. 

Matthew Osceola :

Hi. 

Susan Orlean :

Hi. I'm writing an article 

on John, and I stopped by. 

Hoped I could see him. 

Matthew Osceola :

John's not here. 

Susan Orlean :

Oh. Well, you were at The Swamp 

with him, weren't you? 

Saw you at the courthouse, 

that's how I know. 

Matthew Osceola :

I'm Matthew Osceola. 

Susan Orlean :

Susan Orlean. Nice to meet you. 

Maybe I could talk to 

you for a second. 

I'm just trying to get a feel 

for the whole operation... 

Matthew Osceola :

You have very beautiful hair. 

Susan Orlean :

…Thank you very much. 

Thank you. I just... 

I just washed it this morning. 

I just used a new conditioner. 

Matthew Osceola :

I can see Your Sadness. 

It's lovely. 

Susan Orlean :

....Well, I'm just tired, that's all. 

That's my problem. 

So maybe we could chat a little bit, 

and I could get some background...

Matthew Osceola :

I'm not going to 

talk to you much. 

It's not personal. 

It's The Indian way. 

John Laroche :

Angraecum sesquipedale. Beauty! 

God! Darwin wrote about this one. 

Charles Darwin? 

Evolution guy? Hello? 

You see that nectary down there? 

Darwin hypothesized a moth 

with a nose 12 inches long 

to pollinate it. 

Everyone thought he was a loon. 

Then, sure enough, they found 

this moth with a 12-inch proboscis. 

"Proboscis" means nose, by the way. 

I know what it means. 

Hey, let's not get off the subject. 

This isn't a pissing contest. 

The Point is, what's so wonderful is that 

all these flowers have a specific relationship 

with the insect that pollinates it. 

There's a certain orchid looks exactly like a certain insect. 

So The Insect is drawn to This Flower, its double, 

its soul mate, and wants nothing more 

than to make love to it. 

After The Insect flies off, 

it spots another 

soul-mate flower 

and makes love to it, 

pollinating it. 

And neither The Flower 

nor The Insect 

will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. 

How could they know that because of 

their little dance, The World lives? 

But it does. By simply doing 

what they're designed to do 

something large 

and magnificent happens. 

In this sense, They show Us 

How to Live. 

How the only barometer 

you have is Your Heart. 

How when You spot 

Your Flower, 

You can't let anything 

get in Your Way. 

He's really quite a character. 

No front teeth. 

Doesn't seem to bother him at all. 

Why doesn't he get them fixed? 

It seems almost Sociopathic 

to make everybody look at that. 

Yeah, but he gives a great blowjob, honey. 

He is a fascinating character, though. 

Sounds like a gold mine, Sue. 

Susan Orlean :

It could be. I don't know, you know? 

He's, uh... 

He lives with his dad, he's obsessed 

with his dead mother, and... 

He wears his sunglasses on a little 

dingle-dangle around his neck. 

Loving it. Tell them about the van. 

Okay, the van. The van. 

Susan Orlean :

I can't tell about the van. I gotta pee. 

No, tell us about the van. 

It's amazing. It's... 

What's in it? 

You did it in the van. 

Susan Orlean :

Shut up. David, you tell... 

Don't you tell them. Don't tell them. 

Okay, the van. David! 

This van was filled with junk... 

Susan Orlean :

Shut up! 

Potting soil. Shovels. 

Food wrappers. Fertilizer. 

Susie said she hoped it was fertilizer, anyway. 

Said she couldn't be sure. 

Laroche had a certain aromatic look about him. And she said...

She said perhaps his obsessiveness 

didn't leave room in his schedule 

for personal hygiene. 

Maybe the orchids got all the available water. 

Susan Orlean :

I wanted to want something 

as much as people wanted these plants. 

But... it isn't part of my constitution. 

I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. 

I wanna know what it feels like 

to care about something passionately. 

"Should one be lucky enough to see a ghost orchid, all else will seem eclipsed." 

If the ghost orchid was really a phantom, 

it was such a bewitching one 

that it could seduce people to pursue it 

year after year and mile after miserable mile. 

If it was a real flower, I wanted to see one. 

The reason wasn't that I love orchids. 

I don't even especially like orchids. 

What I wanted was to see this thing 

that people were drawn to in such 

a singular and powerful way. 

Susan Orlean :

So how many turtles did you end up collecting? 

John Laroche :

Oh, I lost interest right after that. 

Susan Orlean :

Oh. 

John Laroche :

I dropped turtles when I fell in love with Ice Age fossils. Collected the shit out of them. 

Fossils were the only thing 

that made sense to me 

in this fucked-up world. 

I ditched fossils for resilvering old mirrors. 

My Mom and I had the largest collection of 19th-century Dutch mirrors on the planet. 

Perhaps you read about us. 

Mirror World, October '88? 

I got a copy here somewhere. 

Susan Orlean :

I guess I'd just like to know 

how you can detach from something that 

you've invested so much of your soul in. 

I mean, didn't you ever miss turtles? 

The only thing that made 

your 10-year-old life 

worth living? 

John Laroche :

Look, I'll tell you A Story, all right? 

I once fell deeply, you know, 

profoundly in love with tropical fish. 

I had 60 goddamn fish tanks in my house. 

I'd skin-dive to find 

just the right ones. 

Anisotremus virginicus, Holacanthus ciliaris, 

Chaetodon capistratus. 

You name it. 

Then one day I say, "Fuck fish.

I renounce fish. 

I vow never to set foot 

in that ocean again.”

That's how much "Fuck fish." 

That was 17 years ago, and I have 

never since stuck a toe in that ocean. 

And I love the ocean. 

Susan Orlean :

But.... why? 

John Laroche :

Done with fish. 

Susan Orlean :

If you'd really loved something, 

wouldn't a little bit of it linger? 

Evidently Laroche's finishes 

were downright and absolute. 

He just moved on. 

I sometimes wished 

I could do the same.

Shiny

Maurice Hurley :

“I get a call from Paramount saying 

‘Come and meet Roddenberry, 

we want to consider you as a writer 

for Star Trek: The Next Generation’ 

I said that's A Joke, that's a JOKE. 

But I want to meet Roddenberry. 

Who wouldn't wanna meet Roddenberry? 

I was coming off two cop shows. 

I was coming off Miami Vice, very good show. 

Equalizer, very good show. 

So he gives me the first episode to rewrite. 

We pass each other in the hallway four or five times a day, 

he won't look at me.

Dorothy Fortuna : 

Apparently Gene didn't like 

What He Wrote. 

It was probably the first time 

we heard them battle.

Hurley :

And he raises up behind his desk, 

this great bird-like creature 

and he points his finger at me like this 

and he says, 

"YOU don't know the difference 

between SHIELDS 

and DEFLECTORS!." 

And that went on for weeks.”

Shatner :

What did that say to you about 

What You Were Confronting? 

Hurley :

He didn't want ME,  

Hurley, The Writer. 

He didn't want me to write Me, 

he wanted me 

to write HIM…

You cannot have 

A Protagonist 

without Desire.

It doesn't make any sense.

Any fucking sense.

You follow? Good.

Anyone else?

Yes?

Kuafman :

What if A Writer is attempting to create 

A Story where nothing much happens?

Where people don't change,

they don't have any epiphanies.

They Struggle and are Frustrated,

and nothing is resolved.

More a reflection

of The Real World.

Lektor :

The REAL World?

Kaufman : 

Yes, sir.

Lektor :

The Real fucking World.

First of all, you write a screenplay

without Conflict or Crisis,

you'll bore your audience to tears.

Secondly, Nothing Happens

in The World?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

People are murdered every day.

There's Genocide, War, Corruption.

Every fucking day,

somewhere in the world,

somebody sacrifices his life

to save somebody.

Every day, someone somewhere

takes a conscious decision

to destroy someone else.

People find love.

People lose it.

A Child watches A Mother beaten

to death on the steps of a church.

Someone goes Hungry.

Somebody Else Betrays His Best Friend 

for a Woman.

If you can't find that stuff in life,

then you, My Friend,

don't know crap about Life!

And why the fuck are you wasting my two precious hours with your movie?

I don't have any use for it!

I don't have any bloody use for it!

Okay, thanks.

Thank you. You're welcome.

No. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Mr. McKee.

This course makes you look at

writing in a whole different way.

Mr. McKee. 

Yes?

I'm the guy you yelled at this morning.

….I need more.

I'm the one who thought

things didn't happen in life.

Ah. Right. Okay.

Nice to see you. 

I need to Talk.

Mr. McKee, my even standing here is very scary.

I don't meet people well.

But what you said this morning

shook me to the bone.

It was bigger than my screenwriting choices.

It was about my choices as 

A Human Being. Please.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I could

sure use a drink, My Friend.

"...but a little fantastic

and fleeting and out of reach."

Then what happens?

Well, that's the end of the book.

I wanted to present it simply without big character arcs or sensationalizing the story.

I wanted to show flowers as God's miracles.

I wanted to show that Orlean never

saw the blooming ghost orchid.

It was about disappointment.

I see. That's not A Movie.

You gotta go back,

put in The Drama.

I can't go back. I've got pages of

false starts and wrong approaches.

I'm way past my deadline.

I'll tell you a secret.

A last act makes a film.

Wow them in the end,

and you got a hit.

You can have flaws, problems,

but wow them in the end

and you've got a hit.

Find an ending. But don't cheat.

And don't you dare bring in

a deus ex machina.

Your characters must change and The Change 

must come from them.

Do that and you'll be fine.

You promise?

Mr. McKee.

Have you taken my course before?

My Brother did.

My Twin brother, Donald.

He's the one who got me to come.

Lektor :

Twin screenwriters? 

Yeah.

Lektor :

Well, Julius and Philip Epstein,

who wrote Casablanca,

they were twins

You mentioned that in class.

Lektor :

Finest screenplay ever written.

Great writers' residence.

Donald.

Hey, how's your trip going?

You getting it on with that

lady journalist, you dog, you?

Yeah.

Listen, I'm just calling to say

congratulations on your script.

Isn't that cool? Marty says he can

get me high-sixes against a mil-five.

That's great, Donald.

I want to thank you

for all your help.

I wasn't any help.

Come on,

you let me stay in your place.

And your integrity

inspired me to even try.

It's been a wild ride.

Catherine says

she wants to play Cassie.

Oh, please! Ha, ha, ha.

Please, Donald?

Catherine Keener?

Catherine Keener's in my house?

Yeah, we're playing Boggle.

She's great. You should really

hang out with her, Charles.

Yeah. Um, look...

I've been thinking.

Maybe you'd be interested in hanging

out for a few days in New York.

Oh, my God, yes.

Yeah?

I was gonna show my script

to some people,

and, well, maybe you could

read it too, you know, if you like.

Of course. I'd be flattered.

Okay.

Thanks, Charles.

Okay, bye.

So, like, what would you do?

The script kind of

makes fun of me, huh?

I'm sorry. I was trying something...

Hey, I don't mind. It's funny.

Good. Okay.

So, what would you do?

You and me are so different,

Charles. We're different talents.

Charlie Kaufman :

I know. Just for fun...

How would the great Donald

end this script?

Heh, heh. Shut up.

"The Great Donald."

I feel like you're missing something.

All right. Like what? 

Look. I did a little research

on the airplane.

"Sometimes this kind of story

turns out to be something more, some glimpse of life that expands

like those Japanese paper balls you drop in water and they bloom into flowers and the flower is so marvelous you can't believe there was a time all you saw was a paper ball and a glass of water."

First of all, that's inconsistent.

She said she didn't care about flowers.

For God's sake, it's just a metaphor.

No, it’s NOT, it’s a Similie.

Well, but for what?

What turned that paper ball into a flower?

It's not in the book, Charles.

I don't know. You're reaching.

Maybe.

But I think you actually need to

speak to this woman. 

To know her.

Charlie Kaufman :

I can't. Really. 

I'll go. I'll pretend I'm you.

I want to do it, Charles.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

We're gonna fix your movie, bro.

Charlie Kaufman :

But you've gotta be exactly me.

I have a reputation to maintain.

You can't be a goofball.

Can't be an asshole.

The Donald :

I'm not an asshole.

Charlie Kaufman :

You know what I mean.

No flirting. No bad jokes.

Don't laugh How You Laugh.

The Donald :

I'm not gonna laugh.

I get to have people think I'm you.

It's an honor.

******

The Donald :

So I guess I'll bring out

the big guns now.

Do you keep in touch with Larouche?

I felt I detected an attraction to him

in the subtext. 

Care to comment?

Uh...

Well, our relationship was strictly reporter-subject.

I mean, certainly an intimacy does

evolve in this kind of relationship.

By definition, I was so interested in everything he had to say.

But the relationship ends

when the book ends.

Mendacious deceit. 

What?

Nothing.

I just have one more question.

If you could have dinner with one

historical personage, living or dead, who would it be?

Uh, well, I would have to say...

Einstein.

Or Jesus.

Very good.

Interesting Answer.

The Donald :

She's lying. 

Charlie Kaufman :

What do you mean?

What happened?

Nothing. She said everything right.

Too right.

Well, maybe because they're True.

Did you embarrass me?

People who answer questions

Too Right are liars.

Everybody says Jesus and Einstein.

That's a prepackaged answer.

"Jesus and Einstein"?

Listen, Charles, I have an idea.

You'll need to buy me

a pair of binoculars.

What's "Jesus and Einstein"?

Come on.

Sing with me.

What the hell do you need binoculars for?

Let's go, let's go.

She hung up the phone.

She's upset.

Stop watching her.

Leave her alone.

She's crying.

She's at her computer.

This is morally reprehensible.

United to Miami.

Eleven fifty-five a.m. Tomorrow.

Thought she was done with Larouche.

Her parents live in Florida.

That was no parent phone call,

my friend.

Don't say "My Friend."

A guy entering.

Handsome.

Must be her husband.

She's acting weird with him, though, right?

Don't you think?

What's she hiding from him?

Maybe she's a lesbian

and doesn't know how to tell him.

What do you think?

Have you checked out Laroche's porn site?

No. I'm trying to read.

Anyway, I'm gonna look at the porn site. Research.

Don't tell my old lady.

You mean Mom?

No, I don't mean Mom.

Still say we should go

to Miami tomorrow.

Forget it.

Some of these chicks look okay.

Hey, guess what.

We're going to Miami tomorrow.

I said, no.

I said, oh, yeah, baby. Come here.

What I came to understand

is that Change is not A Choice.

Not for a species of plant,

and not for me.

It happens, and you are different.

Maybe the only distinction

between the plant and me

is that afterward,

I lied about my change.

I lied in my book.

I pretended with my husband

that everything was the same.

But something happened

in The Swamp that day.

Hey, look —

I told you I'd find

the jewel of the Fakahatchee.

It's A Fower.

Just A Flower.

Well, might as well grab it.

Long as I'm here.

Oh, man.

Boy, my porn site's gonna be big.

Look, something I didn't tell you that 

I want to tell you about The Ghost. Okay?

I think it might help you.

I'd just started at the nursery.

And I went back one night

to pick up something.

They wanted The Ghost

just to extract the drug.

It had been a ceremonial thing,

but the young guys, you know,

they liked to get stoned.

So Matthew?

He was one of the guys who...?

Sure.

Matthew lived on that shit 

till they ran out.

Because there was this one day

he was fascinated by me.

By my hair and my sadness.

Yeah, well, it does that.

That's what I wanted to tell you.

I mean, I think you'd like it, Susie.

It seems to help people 

be fascinated.

I can extract it for you.

I know how. I watched.

I'm probably 

the only white guy who knows.

I want to do this, Susie.

I'm done with orchids, Larouche.

Hello?

Hi.

It's John.

Did you get my package?

John?

John!

Johnny.

Hey, John? Yeah?

Very happy now.

Well, I'm glad.

Very happy.

Um, John? Hm?

Will you go like this...?

No. Keep going.

No. No.

I'm trying to make a dial tone.

And you have to sustain.

And then I will join you, and together...

See, I can't do it by myself.

Which one do you want me to do?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Here we go.

That's it. We got it.

We got it. That's fucking amazing.

The Writer, Susan Orlean :

Do you ever get lonely 

sometimes, Johnny?

John Larouche, 

The Orchid Thief :

Well, I was a weird kid.

Nobody liked me.

But I had this idea...

If I waited long enough, someone 

would come around and just,

you know, understand me.

Like my mom.

Except Someone Else.

She'd look at me and

quietly say, "Yes."

Just like that.

And I wouldn't be 

alone anymore.

The Writer, Susan Orlean :

Oh, I wish I were an ant.

Oh, they're so shiny.

John Larouche, 

The Orchid Thief :

You're shinier than 

any ant, darling.

The Writer, Susan Orlean :

That's the sweetest thing

anybody has ever said to me.

John Larouche, 

The Orchid Thief :

Well,

I like you, that's why.