Scene 6:
Bloody Do-Gooders
BRIAN:
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
MANDY:
Oh, stop thinking about sex.
BRIAN:
I wasn't.
MANDY:
You're always on about it...
morning, noon, and night.
'Will the girls like this?'
‘Will the girls like that?'
'Is it too big?'
'Is it too small?'
BRIAN:
I was... just wondering if you thought my nose was--
MANDY:
Get your filthy little mind off it!
You're forty years old, now.
You should have grown out of all that.
BRIAN:
I'm only just getting interested in it, Mum.
MANDY:
It's time you got interested in a job, my lad.
LEPER #1:
Spare a shekel.
LEPER #2:
God bless you, sir.
LEPER #3:
Alms for a leper.
LEPER #4:
Alms for a leper.
EX-LEPER:
Alms for an ex-leper.
Bloody donkey owners.
All the same, aren't they?
Never have any change.
Oh, here's a touch.
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MANDY:
Buzz off!
EX-LEPER:
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MANDY:
A talent?
That's more than he earns in a month.
EX-LEPER:
Half a talent, then.
MANDY:
No, go away!
EX-LEPER:
Come on, Big Nose.
Let's haggle.
BRIAN:
What?
EX-LEPER:
All right. Cut the haggling.
Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand.
We close about eighteen hundred.
BRIAN:
No.
EX-LEPER:
Seventeen-fifty?
MANDY:
Go away!
EX-LEPER:
Seventeen-forty.
MANDY:
Look. Will you leave him alone?
EX-LEPER:
All right. Two shekels.
Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY:
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!
EX-LEPER:
All right, sir. My final offer :
Half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN:
Did you say... 'ex-leper'?
EX-LEPER:
That's right, sir.
Sixteen years behind the bell,
and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN:
Well, what happened?
EX-LEPER:
I was cured, sir.
BRIAN:
Cured?
EX-LEPER:
Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir.
God bless you.
BRIAN:
Who cured you?
EX-LEPER:
Jesus did, sir.
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
All of a sudden,
up He comes. Cures me.
One minute I'm A Leper with A Trade,
next minute my livelihood's gone.
Not so much as a by your leave.
'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN:
Well, why don't you go and tell him
you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER:
Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah.
Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
What I was thinking was,
I was going to ask him if he could
make me a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.
You know, Something Beggable, but not leprosy,
which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt.
Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--
MANDY:
Brian!
Come and clean your room out.
BRIAN:
There you are.
EX-LEPER:
Thank you, sir. Thanks--
Half a denarii?? For me bloody life story?
BRIAN:
There's no pleasing some people.
EX-LEPER:
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
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