Tuesday 27 July 2021

Scene 6 : Bloody Do-Gooders....








Scene 6: 

Bloody Do-Gooders

 

BRIAN:

Have I got a big nose, Mum?

 

MANDY: 

Oh, stop thinking about sex.

 

BRIAN: 

I wasn't.

 

MANDY: 

You're always on about it... 

morning, noon, and night. 

'Will the girls like this?' 

‘Will the girls like that?' 

'Is it too big?' 

'Is it too small?'

 

BRIAN: 

I was... just wondering if you thought my nose was--

 

MANDY: 

Get your filthy little mind off it!

You're forty years old, now. 

You should have grown out of all that.

 

BRIAN: 

I'm only just getting interested in it, Mum.

 

MANDY: 

It's time you got interested in a job, my lad.

 

LEPER #1: 

Spare a shekel.

 

LEPER #2:

God bless you, sir.

 

LEPER #3:

Alms for a leper.

 

LEPER #4:

Alms for a leper.

 

EX-LEPER:

Alms for an ex-leper.

 

Bloody donkey owners.

All the same, aren't they?

Never have any change.

 

Oh, here's a touch.

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

 

MANDY:

Buzz off!

 

EX-LEPER:

Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.

 

MANDY:

A talent?

That's more than he earns in a month.

 

EX-LEPER:

Half a talent, then.

 

MANDY:

No, go away!

 

EX-LEPER:

Come on, Big Nose.

Let's haggle.

 

BRIAN:

What?

 

EX-LEPER:

All right. Cut the haggling.

Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand.

We close about eighteen hundred.

 

BRIAN:

No.

 

EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-fifty?

 

MANDY:

Go away!


EX-LEPER:

Seventeen-forty.

 

MANDY:

Look. Will you leave him alone?

 

EX-LEPER:

All right. Two shekels.

Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

 

MANDY:

Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

 

EX-LEPER:

All right, sir. My final offer :

Half a shekel for an old ex-leper.

 

BRIAN:

Did you say... 'ex-leper'?

 

EX-LEPER:

That's right, sir.

Sixteen years behind the bell,

and proud of it, sir.

 

BRIAN:

Well, what happened?

 

EX-LEPER:

I was cured, sir.

 

BRIAN:

Cured?

 

EX-LEPER:

Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir.

God bless you.

 

BRIAN:

Who cured you?

 

EX-LEPER:

Jesus did, sir.

I was hopping along,

minding my own business.

 

All of a sudden,

up He comes. Cures me.

 

One minute I'm A Leper with A Trade,

next minute my livelihood's gone.

 

Not so much as a by your leave.

'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.

 

BRIAN:

Well, why don't you go and tell him

you want to be a leper again?

 

EX-LEPER:

Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah.

Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.

 

What I was thinking was,

I was going to ask him if he could

make me a bit lame in one leg

during the middle of the week.

 

You know, Something Beggable, but not leprosy,

which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt.

Excuse my French, sir, but, uh--

 

MANDY:

Brian!

Come and clean your room out.

 

BRIAN

There you are.

 

EX-LEPER: 

Thank you, sir. Thanks-- 

Half a denarii?? For me bloody life story?

 

BRIAN: 

There's no pleasing some people.

 

EX-LEPER

That's just what Jesus said, sir.

 

 

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