Young Ones S02EP03 Nasty - Victorian Navy skit0001
MIKE: Guys, guys, I hate to say anything negative, but no. If The Police come 'round, they'll grab hold of our nasties!
NEIL: [protecting crotch with his hands] Oh!
MIKE: The videos!
NEIL: Oh! Have we got a video?
VYVYAN: If anyone else asks that question, I'm going to stick their head through the window!
NEIL: Vyv, have we got a video?
VYVYAN: Right! Come this way Neil!
[walks into the kitchen, rips an entire window, frame and all out of the wall, walks over to Neil
(INSERT: several frames of a close up of an outdoor faucet, dripping water in a steady stream. Several large white vans are visible in the background, but are out of focus)]
Sideways on!
[Neil complies by turning 90 degrees, and Vyv drops the window over his head]
NEIL: I still don't understand! Does that mean we've got one or not?
VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God!NEIL: I'm finding everything really confusing today...
[ZOOM IN: to the still-life poster in the background of the kitchen: "Early Victorian Breakfast Photographs"]
[DISSOLVE TO: the identical scene in real life. An old sailing song played on Accordion can be heard. PAN: to reveal five shabby men on the deck of an old sailing ship, its captain and some crew. Prisoner #1 is a dirty, balding man, missing most of his teeth]
PRISONER #1: [rather eloquently]
Transported for Life to The Colonies,
and for what? Scum I was to that beak,
nothing but scum. 'Tis for my accent and
my situation that I am condemned.
'Tis for the want of better graces and
The Influence they bring that
I am to board this prison hulk.
PRISONER #2: .... -- and
all those murders you done.
all those murders you done.
CAPTAIN: [to a woman who
was out of view] Aged and
toothless and bent old crone!
CRONE: How'd you know me name?
CAPTAIN: We wish to engage
You as Ship's Cook and Concubine.
CRONE: Oh yeah?
What's A 'Concubine', then?
CAPTAIN: .....It's a small, spiky mammal.
CRONE: No... that's A Hedgehog!
CAPTAIN: In that case,
We wish to engage You in
Ship's Cook and Hedgehog.
[A bell is ringing]
PRISONER #1: Hello mate. Say goodbye to merry England. It's ''stralia for us.
PRISONER #2: Quite looking forward, really. Son and daughter went out 'bout six years ago. And I haven't even seen The Baby. Must be nearly four by now.....
[PAN: back to still life, DISSOLVE: back to poster in kitchen, ZOOM out]
NEIL: What? Wow! Oh, too much! Can I have a go at it guys? Please?
MIKE: Alright, alright, so long as you're very careful and you don't break it.
VYVYAN: Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute complete working order.
RICK: Yes, yes. So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work, that means you've broken it and you've got to pay!
MIKE: £500!
NEIL: Anything, anything. [looks at a video tape box] Oh wow! Yeah! [Neil looks at the machine] Well it's not plugged in. [moves to the wall outlet]
