The Doomsday Device

 DeSadeski:

Continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then... Das voydaniya... Rests phone on the table before him.
Muffley:
What... what is it, what?
DeSadeski:
The fools... the mad fools.
Muffley:
What's happened?
DeSadeski:
The Doomsday Machine.
Muffley:
The Doomsday Machine? What is that?
DeSadeski:
A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.
Muffley:
All human and animal life?
Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around his shoulder.
Ripper:
through his cigar Mandrake,
Mandrake:
Yes, Jack?
Ripper:
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
Mandrake:
Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.
Ripper:
Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
Mandrake:
Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
Ripper:
On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Mandrake:
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.
Ripper:
Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water.
Mandrake:
Uhhh God...
Ripper:
And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Mandrake:
Yes. chuckles nervously
Ripper:
You beginning to understand?
Mandrake:
Yes. chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly
Ripper:
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
Mandrake:
Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
Ripper:
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
Mandrake:
Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
Ripper:
Well do you now what it is?
Mandrake:
No. No, I don't know what it is. No.
Ripper:
Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.
Ripper:
Walks to window and shouts Two can play at this game soldier!
more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp.
Ripper:
That's nice shooting, soldier! Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk. Mandrake! Come here!
Mandrake:
You calling me, Jack?
Ripper:
Just come over here and help me with this belt.
Mandrake:
prone on couch I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those... sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
Ripper:
Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy!
Mandrake:
Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my leg's gone.
Ripper:
The what?
Mandrake:
The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
Ripper:
Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!
Cut to: int. War Room
DeSadeski:
When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as dead as the moon!
Turgidson:
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
DeSadeski:
You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.
Turgidson:
No, what about it?
DeSadeski:
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for ninety three years!
Turgidson:
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall...
Muffley:
I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?
DeSadeski:
No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is designed to to trigger itself automatically.
Muffley:
But surely you can disarm it somehow.
DeSadeski:
No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it.
Muffley:
Automatically?
Turgidson:
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President. walks backwards towards the big board We're wasting valuable time. falls over backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself back onto his feet Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!
Muffley:
But this is absolute 
Madness, Ambassador. 
Why should you build such a thing?
DeSadeski:
There are those of us 
who fought against it, 
but in The End 
We could not keep up 
with The Expense involved 
in The Arms-Race,
The Space-Race,
The Space-Race, 
and The Peace-Race --
And at the same time
Our People grumbled
for more nylons and
washing machines. 
Our Doomsday-scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, 
and we were afraid of 
a Doomsday-gap.
Muffley:
This is preposterous. 
I've never approved 
of anything like that.
DeSadeski:
Our source was The New York Times.
Muffley:
Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search of Strangelove.
Strangelove:
in wheelchair A moment please, Mr. President. stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski. Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious.
Muffley:
Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?
Strangelove:
carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in a black glove Mr. President, the technology required is easily within the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so.
Muffley:
But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at the same time impossible to untrigger?
Strangelove:
Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.
Turgidson:
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy.
Muffley:
But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically?
Strangelove:
Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into a tape memory bank.
Turgidson:
Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it, Stainsy?
Stains:
He changed it when he became A Citizen. 
It used to be Merkwurkdigliebe.
Turgidson:
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy?
Strangelove:
Yes, but The... whole point 
of The Doomsday Machine... 
is lost... if you keep it A Secret! 
Why didn't You 
Tell The World, eh?
DeSadeski:
It was to be announced at The Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.