BLOCKING PEOPLE

 

 

JACK’S STOLEN PHONE

PHONE BUZZES :

 

LUCY: 

Where did you go?

Are you sulking?

Just cos I got engaged?

Jack, don't sulk.

 

DRACULA :

Um, Jack's not here at the moment.

Who shall I say called?

 

Oh, sorry.

Tell him it's Lucy.

Lucy Westenra.

Who's this?

 

DRACULA :

Hello, Lucy Westenra.

I'm Count Dracula.

 

WIND HOWLS

 

FLASHBACK-DRACULA : 

Agatha Van Helsing :

You'll be Part of Me.

You'll travel to The New World

in my veins.

 

FLASHBACK-Sister Van Helsing :

( Baring Her Exposed Nun-neck)

Come, boy — Suckle.

 

HE GROWLS

 

GUSHING

 

SHE GASPS

 

TRAFFIC SOUNDS OVERLAP

 

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

 

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

 

LAUGHTER

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

 

I can't do two more days of this.

 

What?

I feel bloody terrible already.

 

Lightweight!

 

Stick your head out the window.

It's the Jagerbombs.

 

That last one tasted like furniture polish.

 

Where are the crisps? 

I can't get the taste out of my mouth.

 

LUCY :

Somebody said they were getting

crisps.

 

They only had plain ones.

 

LUCY :

Plain? Oh, Jesus.

What's good about no flavour?

 

 

FRANK RENFIELD : 

What was wrong with the

physicist?

 

HE SIGHS

 

No flavour.

 

And the tennis player?

 

Stringy.

 

Master, I am trying to provide you with precisely the skill sets

you're hoping to acquire.

 

Listen, for 500 years, I have not had to exercise, but these days everything is done for you, and everything is being delivered,

even food.

 

PHONE DINGS

 

SAM: 

Are we nearly there?

 

ZEV: 

Another 20 minutes.

Ugh!

 

What? 

Just texting.

 

I know that face. 

What face?

 

Yours.

 

Master, you came to me with a programme, a plan, some genuinely fresh initiatives

for... well, let's call it what it is...

....world domination.

 

May I ask, as your lawyer, 

What are you doing with your time?

 

You can't afford to feed on just,

uh, anyone.

 

ZEV: 

Oh, dot-dot-dot.

There's a reply coming!

 

Give it back.

Are you not eating with us?

 

She's drinking with us.

 

Give it here!

 

Uh, uh, uh - reply's in.

 

HE READS OUT LOUD

 

Lucy Westenra, you're getting

married.

 

Yeah, final days as a free woman.

Give it here.

 

SAM RETCHES

How should I reply?

 

Yes. Just say yes.

 

"Ms Westenra is available

for a late dinner."

 

I'm saying, though,

we've got karaoke!

 

So who's this one, then?

 

D?

SAM GROANS

 

Who's D?

 

What about this one?

 

"Staying locally.

Double first from Oxford.

 

"Martial arts expert. Non-drinker."

 

PHONE BEEPS

Ah. Sorry. Already have dinner

plans.

 

HE SIGHS

I am trying, Dark Lord.

I do sometimes wonder — what it is that you actually want.

 

MESSAGE SENDS

 

HE SIGHS

 

PHONE BEEPS

 

LAUGHTER

 

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

 

What about the Harker Foundation?

Are they still taking an interest?

 

There is some activity.

However, your lady friend has left their employ...

 

My lady friend?

 

Dr Helsing.

 

I'm unclear exactly what's happened, but I'm assuming...

 

PHONE DINGS

 

...she'll take no further interest

in you.

 

Mm.

 

YAWNS

What's the time?

 

Half two.

HE GIGGLES

 

You know what?

 

I think there's blood in my alcohol stream.

 

Yeah.

 

Did you hear what I said? I did.

 

There's blood...in your

alcohol stream. 

It was hilarious.

 

It's the wrong way round, you see?

 

Stop, you're killing me.

 

Are you even drunk?

Were you even drinking properly?

 

Maybe I'm saving myself.

 

For dinner? Mm!

 

For D?

MESSAGE SENDS

 

Don't.

 

Who's hungry at this time of night?

 

Are you sure about all this?

 

About what?

 

Marrying Quincey.

 

I like him.

 

You're supposed to love him.

 

OK, I love him, then.

 

‘Cos he loves you.

And Jack loves you.

Everybody Loves You.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty, that happens.

 

Woo! Listen to her.

 

Do you know what it's like

when you're pretty? 

 

Yes!

 

Everybody smiles.

You never see The World without a big, stupid smile on its face.

 

HE GROANS

 

The thing you don't get...

HE SIGHS

..Marriage is for Life.

 

Yeah —

But Life isn't Forever.

 

PHONE DINGS

 

CAWING

 

DISTANT SIRENS

 

PHONE DINGS

 

Ah!

Tart.

 

Hungry.

 

You could've waited.

 

I need to feed on someone, Lucy.

You don't always give your consent.

 

I bet this one didn't.

 

Fast food.

 

So why does my consent matter?

 

It doesn't, but it's delicious.

I'm a gourmet, not a glutton.

 

Why always a graveyard?

 

I like to spend time with people my own age.

 

SHE LAUGHS

 

Yeah, funny guy.

Very funny.

 

Where will you be buried?

 

Why?

 

Because I might want to visit.

 

That's next-level clingy.

Thank God I'm being cremated. No.

 

Shut up.

 

Everyone is.

It's a waste of space, all this.

 

DRACULA :

Listen to me :

Do not let them burn you.

 

Why not?

 

DRACULA :

It hurts.

 

SHE LAUGHS

 

I've never heard anyone. complain.

 

DRACULA :

Well, I have.

I'd say there are...

..nine here.

Yes, nine.

 

Nine what?

 

 

DRACULA :

Sufferers.

Come here.

Give me your hand.

 

SHE GIGGLES

 

What am I doing?

 

DRACULA :

Listening.

 

FAINT THUDS

 

What's that?

 

DRACULA :

What does it sound like?

 

THUDS GROW LOUDER

 

Knocking.

 

DRACULA :

Knocking, yes.

On a coffin lid.

From the inside.

 

MAN: 

Turn on the lights, please.

 

WOMAN: 

100 million...

 

Someone turn on the lights!

 

245,000...

 

WOMAN 2: 

I can't...I can't feel it!

 

Help me! Help me!

 

HE CHUCKLES

 

Are they vampires?

 

DRACULA :

Nothing so evolved.

They're just undead.

 

The unfortunate few who remain sentient as they rot.

 

Ah!

 

The Children of The Night —

what music they make.

 

BANGING

Help me!

 

VOICES OVERLAP

 

Ahh!

 

HE CHUCKLES

 

DEAD BABY :

Bloofer lady. Bloofer lady.

 

Bloofer lady.

 

Bloofer?

 

DRACULA :

“Beautiful.”

He means you.

 

DEAD BABY :

Bloofer lady.

 

LUCY :

How does he know I'm here?

 

DRACULA :

Because he's looking at you.

Right there.

 

DEAD BABY :

Bloofer lady.

Bloofer lady play peekaboo.

Peekaboo!

 

DRACULA :

Some of the little ones wriggle their way to the surface.

I think they can smell the worms.

 

DEAD BABY :

Can you see me yet?

 

DRACULA :

No, no, no! 

No, no!

 

SHE LAUGHS

 

DRACULA :

Don't play with him.

He'll follow you home.

 

LUCY :

(fascinated)

Would he really?

 

DRACULA :

You know, in a very, very long life, 

I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you —

 

You really don't care, do you?

 

The Perfect Food.

 

ZEV GROANS

 

HE SIGHS

 

Lucy?

Shit.

 

COUNT DRACULA: 

Dying is the only remaining novelty.

 

Every other human experience

is catalogued somewhere in your 

endless chattering libraries.

 

Nothing comes fresh.

 

Every living instant is shop-soiled 

and second-hand except that one moment in life

that no-one can report back on.

 

In a world of travelled roads...

Death is the last unprinted snow.

 

LUCY: 

…you don't half talk 

a lot of shit...!

 

DRACULA :

...You Know, 

People Don’t usually 

Say That to Me….

 

LUCY: 

Yeah, you kill them 

before they can —

Basically, You're blocking people.

 

….Do You Love Me? 

 

DRACULA :

No.

 

LUCY: 

Will you ever love me? 

 

DRACULA :

No.

 

LUCY: 

Well, that's one less thing 

to worry about….

 

DRACULA :

Aren't you even a little scared of me?

Aren't you afraid of anything?

Even Dying?

 

LUCY: 

Everybody Dies.

DRACULA :

Lucy, you're a very special flavour.

 

LUCY: 

Two minutes —

if you've still got the appetite.

 

DRACULA :

Three. 

LUCY: 

Five. Special Treat.

 

DRACULA :

What do you want to dream about tonight?

 

LUCY: 

Put me Somewhere Beautiful...

..where no-one can see me... 

..where I don't have to smile.

 

BLOOD GUSHING

 

Frank Renfield, 

Dracula’s Lawyer & Servant

is waiting in The Car for His Lord

outside The Cemetery Gates, 

doing The Times Cryptic Crossword —

Frank :

"Unscrupulous Doctor deployed

tanner's knife," 12 letters.

 

FLY BUZZES

 

Frank :

Ah!

He snatches it out of The Air, and scoffs it (as usual)

 

Frank :

Dracula...

..is...

HE SLURPS

..My

...Lord.

 

ZEV: 

Lucy?

 

Lucy!

 

Lucy?

 

Luce?

 

What the hell?

 

ZEV ON PHONE:

Jack, please, you've got to see her.

 

She won't see doctors,

but she might see you.

 

SHE MUMBLES

 

HE CHUCKLES

 

PHONE RINGS

 

Could I speak to Dr Helsing, please?

 

No.

 

No, I didn't know that.

 

Dr. Zöe Helsing is asleep 

in the Terminal Cancer Ward.

She is Dying. Badly.

Waking, SHE GASPS —

There is a mysterious Blue Nun 

in The Corner of Her Room, 

with her back turned —

 

Van Helsing :

Hello —

Did somebody Send You?

 

Sorry, no offence, but 

I'm really not A Believer.

 

Zoe?

 

DOOR OPENS

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

 

Van Helsing :

Oh, Jack. Hello.

Sorry, I was...

I was dreaming.

Please, come in.

 

Thanks.

Sorry if I startled you.

 

Van Helsing :

No, no, you didn't. Ugh.

Try again, 

I'm incredibly bored.

 

HE CHUCKLES

 

I didn't bring any grapes or

anything.

 

Van Helsing :

I hate grapes.

In that case, you're welcome.

 

SHE LAUGHS

 

It's very kind of you

to come and see your old mentor.

 

Is it, Jack…?

…Is it kind?

 

Van Helsing :

Oh, Jack…

You were My Star Pupil —

 

I only suggested you 

for the donor programme 

so you could get some easy money, 

get you through college.

 

I never thought Dracula would actually come back.

 

Nobody did.

 

So...

 

What do you think...

..about Lucy?

 

Van Helsing :

It's possible.

Could be him.

 

Dracula chooses His Victims 

for A Reason.

 

Is there anything...

special about her?

 

I love her —

But she's a perfectly ordinary girl.

 

Van Helsing :

She can't be.

Because if it is Dracula...

..what keeps him coming back for more?

 

SHE TYPES

 

LUCY: 

Hello?

Who's down there?

Is that you?

 

CHILD: 

Peekaboo.

 

SHE GASPS

 

Peekaboo.

 

Bloofer lady.

Peekaboo.

 

May I come in?

 

Peekaboo.

 

Please avert your eyes - I, um...

..I have to murder a child.

As we used to say in Vladivostok.

 

BLOOD SPATTERING

 

CHILD SCREAMS

 

I'm ill.

 

Well, not ill, precisely.

 

Look at my face.

 

So, so beautiful.

 

I'm as white as a sheet.

 

As the last unprinted snow.

 

Am I dying?

 

You're mortal.

 

You've been dying since the day you were born.

 

SHE SIGHS

 

My people have a saying,

 

"One should always speed a parting guest."

 

BLOOD GUSHING

 

KNOCK ON DOOR

MEG: How are you feeling, love?

 

FLY BUZZES

 

Just going to make some

tea. Want some?

 

I'll bring you a cuppa.

 

You stay there!

You need to keep your strength up.

 

FLY BUZZING

 

Help me!

 

Help me!

 

Help me!

 

Help me!

 

Shh.

 

Hush, Lucy, you're mine now.

 

You've nothing left to fear.

 

You won't be long in your grave.

 

Your mind screams aloud, but for now, your body must be silent.

 

In the midst of life, we are in death.

 

Of whom may we seek for succour but of Thee, O Lord, who for our sins art justly

displeased?

 

Yet, O Lord, God most holy...

 

MUFFLED SCREAMS

 

..deliver us not into the bitter

pains of eternal death.

 

MUSIC: 

Angels by Robbie Williams