My Yard

[Trial room]

VALEYARD: 

Members of The Court, 

We have just witnessed a typical 

glorious escapade of The Doctor. 

Mr. Six : 

Madam! I ask that The Court protect Me 

from the abuse of The Brickyard here. 

VALEYARD: 

How pathetic and juvenile are 

Your Attempts at humour. 

INQUISITOR: 

Gentlemen, may I remind you, 

This is A Court of Law, 

not a Debating Society for 

maladjusted, psychotic sociopaths. 

You will both conduct yourselves 

in an orderly manner 

and show proper respect 

for the judicial procedure. 

I hope I make myself very clear. 

(The Doctor and the Valeyard bow.) 

INQUISITOR: 

And Doctor, The Prosecuting Counsel's Title 

is The Valeyard --

Not The Brickyard, Backyard, 

Knacker's Yard or any other kind of yard. 

Again, do I make myself clear? 

Mr. Six : 

Piercingly and Irrefutably so, Madam. 

INQUISITOR: 

Proceed. 

VALEYARD: 

As I was Saying, We have just witnessed 

a sequence in The Doctor's History 

which illustrated perfectly 

his almost gleeful pleasure 

in interfering in the development 

of alien life forms. 

Mr. Six : 

I object! 

INQUISITOR: 

Sit down and shut up! 

VALEYARD: 

Thank you, Sagacity. 

Mr. Six : 

Sagacity? You Sycophant! 

Since when has that been 

a form of address used 

in a Gallifreyan Court of Law? 

VALEYARD: 

I am simply showing respect to our learned Inquisitor. 

INQUISITOR: 

An attitude I much approve. 

Mr. Six : 

Well, you would, wouldn't you? 

'Sagacity', indeed.... 

INQUISITOR: 

Doctor! Continue. 

VALEYARD: 

I should now like to present 

The Doctor's next frightening adventure. 

In fact, the one in which he was engaged 

when removed from Time 

and brought to This Court. 

(The Doctor raises his arm.) 

INQUISITOR: 

Doctor? 

Mr. Six : 

What about The Box? 

INQUISITOR: 

The Box? 

Mr. Six : 

And the fact that Earth 

was two light years away 

from its original position? 

VALEYARD: 

That is not relevant to this segment of evidence. 

Mr. Six : 

It was relevant enough to be bleeped 

from The Matrix record. 

INQUISITOR: 

The Valeyard is quite right. 

That is a matter for The High Council 

to adjudicate upon. 

It is not The Business of This Trial. 

VALEYARD: 

If we may see from The Doctor's arrival 

on the planet Thoros Beta : 

Twenty fourth century, 

last quarter, fourth year, 

seventh month, third day.

In his book The Pilgrim’s Progress, John Bunyan describes a battle between The Accuser, Apollyon, and Christian in The Valley of Humiliation. 

One of Apollyon’s ploys is to recite a laundry list of Christian’s sins [i.e., Errors, Mistakes and Human Weaknesses] : “Thou didst faint at first setting out, when thou wast almost choked in the Gulf of Despond; thou didst attempt wrong ways to be rid of thy burden, whereas thou shouldst have stayed till thy Prince had taken it off; thou didst sinfully sleep and lose thy choice thing; thou wast also almost persuaded to go back at the sight of the lions; and when thou talkest of thy journey, and of what thou hast heard and seen, thou art inwardly desirous of vain-glory in all that thou sayest or doest.”

Christian’s response to the accuser is full of humility and faith: “All this is True; and much more which thou hast left out : but The Prince whom I serve and honour is merciful and ready to forgive. But besides, these infirmities possessed me in thy country; for there I sucked them in, and I have groaned under them, been sorry for them, and have obtained pardon of my Prince.” 

At the mention of Christ’s forgiveness, Apollyon flies into a rage; Satan The accuser cannot abide the fact that his accusations are overcome by the grace of God in Christ.