Monday, 4 April 2022

Individuation and Isomorphism

It's not like it'd be cheating. 
They're both Xander. 


Dr Manhattan erotic sex scene. Laurie breaks up with Jon - Watchmen 2009


ScruffyXANDER
Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot! 

The g*n falls to the floor. 
SuaveXander grabs it. 

SuaveXANDER
Anya ... get out of the way. 

Anya is standing in front of ScruffyXander. 
Buffy and Riley rush in. 

BUFFY:
Xander! Riley closes the door. 

SuaveXANDER
(smiling) 
All right, Buffy. 
I have him. 

ScruffyXANDER
No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me! 

ANYA
My gun! He's got my gun! 
(Pointing to the gun in SuaveXander's hand) 

RILEY
You own a gun

BUFFY
Xander ... gun-holding Xander. 
(Walks quickly over to SuaveXander
Give me the gun. 

Both Xanders stare. 

Finally SuaveXander holds the gun up and gives it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fall out onto the floor. 
He flips it shut and hands it to Buffy, who looks impressed. 

ANYA: 
Buffy, which one's real? Buffy hands the g*n to Riley. 

ScruffyXANDER
I am. 

SuaveXANDER
No, I am. 
They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them. 
She flings ScruffyXander across the room; he lands against the kitchen counter. 

SuaveXANDER
Thank you. 

Buffy grabs him and shoves him over 
next to ScruffyXander. 

SuaveXANDER
Ow! 

Anya, Riley, and Buffy come up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side. 

RILEY
Wild. 

BUFFY
Yeah. Okay, Xander ... Xa ... 
(sighs
You've been split in Two. 
But you're both Xander. 
And you can't kill each other. 

Um, well, you could
but it would be really bad. 

The Xanders look at each other. 

SuaveXANDER
No way.
 
ScruffyXANDER
He can't be me. 
He's all ... fancy

RILEY
We can prove that you're both Xander. 

BUFFY
Yeah! 
(to Riley) How? 

RILEY: 
Um... 

BUFFY: 
Um... 

RILEY
Well, there has to be a way. 

BUFFY
Ooh! What number am I thinking of? 

RILEY
I don't think that's gonna do it. 

XANDERS
(in unison) 
Eleven and a half. 

BUFFY
Wrong. Oh! But see? 

The Xanders frown. 

ScruffyXANDER
No. We're not the same. 
We're all different. 

RILEY
Different properties 
went into each of you, 
but you're both Xander. 

ANYA
Different properties? 

ScruffyXANDER
What different properties? 

BUFFY
Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. 
Good night vision, stuff like that. 

ScruffyXANDER
Oh, but he has a thingie! 
In his pocket! 
(pointing to SuaveXander's pocket
A shiny disk that stuns and disorients! 

SuaveXANDER
(reaching in pocket, taking out the thing
What disk? 

ScruffyXANDER
Cover your eyes! (covering eyes with hands) 

SuaveXANDER
This? 

ScruffyXANDER
It'll melt your brain! 


Buffy takes the thing from SuaveXander. 
Anya and Riley lean in to see. 

BUFFY
(to ScruffyXander) 
Look. 

SuaveXANDER
(tolerantly
It's a nickel someone flattened 
on the railroad track. 
I found it on the construction site 
and I thought it was cool. 
It's not magic. 

ScruffyXander uncovers his eyes to take the thing from Buffy. 

ScruffyXANDER
No, I ... huh. It is kinda cool. 
(SuaveXander nods tolerantly)
Washington's still there, 
but he's all smushy. 
(looks more closely
And he may be Jefferson. 

ANYA
Okay, isn't anyone gonna tell me 
why there are two Xanders?

BUFFY
I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go. 

They all turn to leave 
just as the door is smashed in. 
ScruffyXander and Anya hide behind SuaveXander, 
grabbing his shoulders. 
Toth strides in. 

BUFFY
Oh great. Rod boy. 

TOTH
I will not miss again, Slayer. 

ScruffyXANDER
(standing behind SuaveXander, 
clutching him around the shoulders
The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces! 

Toth raises his rod. 

Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions. 

Toth fires at Buffy and misses, 
tearing a big hole in the floor. 

SuaveXANDER
Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit! 

Riley jumps on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod. 
He throws Riley off. 
Riley punches him a few times, 
then Toth head-butts him 
and flings him aside. 

Buffy comes up and kicks Toth a few times, 
punches him a few times, then he picks her up and body-slams her. 

She kicks up as he approaches, 
catching him on the chin. 
She gets up, lands a few more 
kicks and punches, 
and Toth goes down. 

BUFFY: 
Sword! 

Riley grabs the sword from 
the bag of weapons and throws it to her. 
She catches it and stabs Toth. 
He screams and dies. 
Buffy stands up, panting. 
Anya and ScruffyXander 
let go of SuaveXander. 
They all cluster around the corpse. 

SuaveXANDER:
Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone

ScruffyXANDER
(gasps) I was thinking the same thing! 
Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander? 

SuaveXander gives him a big grin. 
Anya stares at them. 

Cut to a shot of the two Xanders side-by-side. Now they're dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts, 
but ScruffyXander's shirt is all dirty 
whereas SuaveXander's is clean, 
and ScruffyXander's hair is much messier. 

ScruffyXANDER
Look and admire, ladies. 

We see that they're in the magic shop. 
Willow, Buffy and Anya are in a row 
staring at the Xanders, fascinated. 
In the background we see Riley watching, 
and Giles on the floor making markings with chalk. 

BUFFY
(looking closely
Look, there's a scar there, 
(pointing at ScruffyXander's forehead
and there's the same one right there. 
(pointing at SuaveXander's forehead

WILLOW
It's all double
(pointing) 
This zit, and this ... 
kinda funny dippy thing. 
A-and this weird little hair 
that grows in the wrong way 
(pointing to ScruffyXander's nose

ScruffyXANDER
Okay! Back off, ladies. 

RILEY
Psychologically, this is fascinating
Doesn't it make everyone wanna 
lock them in separate rooms 
and do experiments on them? 

Everyone gives him an odd look. 

RILEY
Just me, then. 

ANYA
So ... you Xanders really do have 
all the same memories, all the same ... 
(looking downward
physical attributes?
(Laughs suggestively

SuaveXANDER
We're completely identical. 

ScruffyXANDER
Yeah, we checked out some stuff 
in the car on the way over. 
(Anya frowns in puzzlement
Fingerprints! 

ANYA
(turning to the others
Well, maybe we shouldn't do 
this reintegration thing right away. 
See, I can take the boys home, and ... 
we can all have sex together, and ... 
you know, just slap 'em back 
together in the morning. 

Giles tries not to look appalled. 

Buffy and Riley grin. 

SuaveXANDER
She's joking. 

ScruffyXANDER
No she's not! She entirely wants 
to have sex with us together. 
Which is ... wrong and, 
and it would be very confusing.
 
GILES: 
(getting up from the floor
Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. 
Also, we should continue to pretend 
we heard none of the disturbing sex talk. 

WILLOW
Check. Candles and pretense. 

Everyone moves around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders. 

ANYA
It's not like it'd be cheating. 
They're both Xander. 

ScruffyXANDER
Now, hold on a sec --
If you weren't putting 
a whammy on people 
with the shiny thing, 
how'd you do it? 

How'd you get the promotion? 

SuaveXANDER
Well, I'm good at that stuff. 

ScruffyXANDER
I am? 

SuaveXANDER
Yeah. 

ScruffyXANDER
And hey, how 'bout that lady, huh? 
The apartment manager. 

SuaveXANDER: 
How weird was it when she called me "mister"? 

The Xanders grin goofily at each other. 

WILLOW
We're ready. We should do it now. 
(The Xanders turn their grins toward her


ANYA
What'll we do if this doesn't work? 

XANDERS: 
(unison
Kill us both, Spock! 

(They look at each other and laugh delightedly.

BUFFY
They're ... kinda the same now. 

GILES
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself. 



ScruffyXANDER: 
Hey, summon The Goddess. 
Chant the chant. Let's do it. 

WILLOW: 
Actually, it's not that hard. 
Your natural state is to be together. 
Toth's spell is doing all the work 
of keeping you apart. 
I just have to break it. 

So you two ... 
(takes them both and positions 
them inside the chalk markings
stand right here. Side by side. 
We don't want you to end up 
with two fronts, now do we? 

ScruffyXANDER
Are you sure you know how to do this? 

WILLOW
(exhales
Here we go. Brace yourselves. 

The two Xanders 
close their eyes 
and prepare. 

WILLOW
Let the spell be ended.

 Closeup of a single Xander, 
still with eyes closed. 

XANDER
You gotta be kidding. 
"Let the spell be ended," 
that's not gonna work. 

He opens his eyes and sees 
there's only one of him. 

XANDER
Oh!


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