It's not like it'd be cheating.
They're both Xander.
Dr Manhattan erotic sex scene. Laurie breaks up with Jon - Watchmen 2009
ScruffyXANDER:
Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!
The g*n falls to the floor.
SuaveXander grabs it.
SuaveXANDER:
Anya ... get out of the way.
Anya is standing in front of ScruffyXander.
Buffy and Riley rush in.
BUFFY:
Xander! Riley closes the door.
SuaveXANDER:
(smiling)
All right, Buffy.
I have him.
ScruffyXANDER:
No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me!
ANYA:
My gun! He's got my gun!
(Pointing to the gun in SuaveXander's hand)
RILEY:
You own a gun?
BUFFY:
Xander ... gun-holding Xander.
(Walks quickly over to SuaveXander)
Give me the gun.
Both Xanders stare.
Finally SuaveXander holds the gun up and gives it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fall out onto the floor.
He flips it shut and hands it to Buffy, who looks impressed.
ANYA:
Buffy, which one's real? Buffy hands the g*n to Riley.
ScruffyXANDER:
I am.
SuaveXANDER:
No, I am.
They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them.
She flings ScruffyXander across the room; he lands against the kitchen counter.
SuaveXANDER:
Thank you.
Buffy grabs him and shoves him over
next to ScruffyXander.
SuaveXANDER:
Ow!
Anya, Riley, and Buffy come up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side.
RILEY:
Wild.
BUFFY:
Yeah. Okay, Xander ... Xa ...
(sighs)
You've been split in Two.
But you're both Xander.
And you can't kill each other.
Um, well, you could,
but it would be really bad.
The Xanders look at each other.
SuaveXANDER:
No way.
ScruffyXANDER:
He can't be me.
He's all ... fancy.
RILEY:
We can prove that you're both Xander.
BUFFY:
Yeah!
(to Riley) How?
RILEY:
Um...
BUFFY:
Um...
RILEY:
Well, there has to be a way.
BUFFY:
Ooh! What number am I thinking of?
RILEY:
I don't think that's gonna do it.
XANDERS:
(in unison)
Eleven and a half.
BUFFY:
Wrong. Oh! But see?
The Xanders frown.
ScruffyXANDER:
No. We're not the same.
We're all different.
RILEY:
Different properties
went into each of you,
but you're both Xander.
ANYA:
Different properties?
ScruffyXANDER:
What different properties?
BUFFY:
Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction.
Good night vision, stuff like that.
ScruffyXANDER:
Oh, but he has a thingie!
In his pocket!
(pointing to SuaveXander's pocket)
A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!
SuaveXANDER:
(reaching in pocket, taking out the thing)
What disk?
ScruffyXANDER:
Cover your eyes! (covering eyes with hands)
SuaveXANDER:
This?
ScruffyXANDER:
It'll melt your brain!
Buffy takes the thing from SuaveXander.
Anya and Riley lean in to see.
BUFFY:
(to ScruffyXander)
Look.
SuaveXANDER:
(tolerantly)
It's a nickel someone flattened
on the railroad track.
I found it on the construction site
and I thought it was cool.
It's not magic.
ScruffyXander uncovers his eyes to take the thing from Buffy.
ScruffyXANDER:
No, I ... huh. It is kinda cool.
(SuaveXander nods tolerantly)
Washington's still there,
but he's all smushy.
(looks more closely)
And he may be Jefferson.
ANYA:
Okay, isn't anyone gonna tell me
why there are two Xanders?
BUFFY:
I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go.
They all turn to leave
just as the door is smashed in.
ScruffyXander and Anya hide behind SuaveXander,
grabbing his shoulders.
Toth strides in.
BUFFY:
Oh great. Rod boy.
TOTH:
I will not miss again, Slayer.
ScruffyXANDER:
(standing behind SuaveXander,
clutching him around the shoulders)
The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!
Toth raises his rod.
Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions.
Toth fires at Buffy and misses,
tearing a big hole in the floor.
SuaveXANDER:
Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!
Riley jumps on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod.
He throws Riley off.
Riley punches him a few times,
then Toth head-butts him
and flings him aside.
Buffy comes up and kicks Toth a few times,
punches him a few times, then he picks her up and body-slams her.
She kicks up as he approaches,
catching him on the chin.
She gets up, lands a few more
kicks and punches,
and Toth goes down.
BUFFY:
Sword!
Riley grabs the sword from
the bag of weapons and throws it to her.
She catches it and stabs Toth.
He screams and dies.
Buffy stands up, panting.
Anya and ScruffyXander
let go of SuaveXander.
They all cluster around the corpse.
SuaveXANDER:
Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.
ScruffyXANDER:
(gasps) I was thinking the same thing!
Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?
SuaveXander gives him a big grin.
Anya stares at them.
Cut to a shot of the two Xanders side-by-side. Now they're dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts,
but ScruffyXander's shirt is all dirty
whereas SuaveXander's is clean,
and ScruffyXander's hair is much messier.
ScruffyXANDER:
Look and admire, ladies.
We see that they're in the magic shop.
Willow, Buffy and Anya are in a row
staring at the Xanders, fascinated.
In the background we see Riley watching,
and Giles on the floor making markings with chalk.
BUFFY:
(looking closely)
Look, there's a scar there,
(pointing at ScruffyXander's forehead)
and there's the same one right there.
(pointing at SuaveXander's forehead)
WILLOW:
It's all double.
(pointing)
This zit, and this ...
kinda funny dippy thing.
A-and this weird little hair
that grows in the wrong way
(pointing to ScruffyXander's nose)
ScruffyXANDER:
Okay! Back off, ladies.
RILEY:
Psychologically, this is fascinating.
Doesn't it make everyone wanna
lock them in separate rooms
and do experiments on them?
Everyone gives him an odd look.
RILEY:
Just me, then.
ANYA:
So ... you Xanders really do have
all the same memories, all the same ...
(looking downward)
physical attributes?
(Laughs suggestively)
SuaveXANDER:
We're completely identical.
ScruffyXANDER:
Yeah, we checked out some stuff
in the car on the way over.
(Anya frowns in puzzlement)
Fingerprints!
ANYA:
(turning to the others)
Well, maybe we shouldn't do
this reintegration thing right away.
See, I can take the boys home, and ...
we can all have sex together, and ...
you know, just slap 'em back
together in the morning.
Giles tries not to look appalled.
Buffy and Riley grin.
SuaveXANDER:
She's joking.
ScruffyXANDER:
No she's not! She entirely wants
to have sex with us together.
Which is ... wrong and,
and it would be very confusing.
GILES:
(getting up from the floor)
Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles.
Also, we should continue to pretend
we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
WILLOW:
Check. Candles and pretense.
Everyone moves around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders.
ANYA:
It's not like it'd be cheating.
They're both Xander.
ScruffyXANDER:
Now, hold on a sec --
If you weren't putting
a whammy on people
with the shiny thing,
how'd you do it?
How'd you get the promotion?
SuaveXANDER:
Well, I'm good at that stuff.
ScruffyXANDER:
I am?
SuaveXANDER:
Yeah.
ScruffyXANDER:
And hey, how 'bout that lady, huh?
The apartment manager.
SuaveXANDER:
How weird was it when she called me "mister"?
The Xanders grin goofily at each other.
WILLOW:
We're ready. We should do it now.
(The Xanders turn their grins toward her)
ANYA:
What'll we do if this doesn't work?
XANDERS:
(unison)
Kill us both, Spock!
(They look at each other and laugh delightedly.)
BUFFY:
They're ... kinda the same now.
GILES:
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
ScruffyXANDER:
Hey, summon The Goddess.
Chant the chant. Let's do it.
WILLOW:
Actually, it's not that hard.
Your natural state is to be together.
Toth's spell is doing all the work
of keeping you apart.
I just have to break it.
So you two ...
(takes them both and positions
them inside the chalk markings)
stand right here. Side by side.
We don't want you to end up
with two fronts, now do we?
ScruffyXANDER:
Are you sure you know how to do this?
WILLOW:
(exhales)
Here we go. Brace yourselves.
The two Xanders
close their eyes
and prepare.
WILLOW:
Let the spell be ended.
Closeup of a single Xander,
still with eyes closed.
XANDER:
You gotta be kidding.
"Let the spell be ended,"
that's not gonna work.
He opens his eyes and sees
there's only one of him.
XANDER:
Oh!
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