[Toymaker's office]
In a striking office a man is dressed
in the bejewelled robes of a Chinese Mandarin.
His surroundings, a strange mixture of ultramodern and ornate,
include a large desk incorporating a control panel
and an elegant triangular gaming table.
TOYMAKER:
You'll serve my purpose admirably.
You're very good at games.
Clowns always are.
You can show Steven and Dodo some
of your tricks into the bargain.
The man has selected a pair of toy clowns,
one happy and one sad,
from the nursery of a large Victorian dolls house.
The Happy One is a girl dressed in a harlequin costume.
The Sad One is a boy in a white baggy suit with ruffles and a cone-shaped clown hat.
Now, before his eyes, the dolls begin to grow.
The man has selected a pair of toy clowns,
one happy and one sad,
from the nursery of a large Victorian dolls house.
The Happy One is a girl dressed in a harlequin costume.
The Sad One is a boy in a white baggy suit with ruffles and a cone-shaped clown hat.
Now, before his eyes, the dolls begin to grow.
[Toyroom]
DODO:
DODO:
If you want to go, then you go, but I'm sure
that The Doctor would. Doctor!
Old Grandfather :
Hmm? What is it?
DODO:
There you are!
STEVEN:
We can see you!
Everything's all right.
Old Grandfather :
Oh, you can see me?
STEVEN + DODO:
Yes!
Old Grandfather :
Well, splendid. Splendid.
DODO:
Oh, let's go now.
It must have just been
the Refusian influence after all.
STEVEN:
What's this extraordinary place?
Old Grandfather :
Well, I'm not quite sure, dear boy,
but it's, it's somewhat familiar.
DODO:
It looks dead boring to me.
Come on.
Old Grandfather :
No, wait, child, wait.
DODO:
Why?
Old Grandfather :
Well, I don't think it was the Refusian's influence
that made me become intangible.
No, I think it was something here,
and I don't like the feel of the place
anymore than you do
but we have to face up to it.
You know, I think I was
meant to come here.
STEVEN:
Hey! Look! That's me!
DODO:
What is?
STEVEN:
Here, on this screen!
DODO:
What screen?
STEVEN:
Here! That's me on the planet Kemble.
(To Dodo the screen is blank.)
DODO:
There's nothing there!
Old Grandfather :
But I believe I now know
where we are.
STEVEN:
It's changed again.
There I am in Paris.
DOCTOR:
Now turn around this instant!
Turn away from it, dear boy!
We're now in The World of
The Celestial Toymaker,
and that screen is hypnotic.
He's trying to dominate
your mind.
STEVEN:
But, Doctor —
Old Grandfather :
There is nothing there.
Do you understand me?
There is nothing there at all.
You must believe me.
STEVEN:
What was it?
What happened?
DODO:
What's the matter, Doctor?
I couldn't see anything on the screen.
Old Grandfather :
Come here, child.
Now whatever you do, you must not
allow yourself to be trapped
into looking at it.
DODO:
Who's the Celestial Toymaker?
Old Grandfather :
He's a Power for Evil.
He manipulates people and makes
them into his playthings.
Whatever you do, neither of you must
look at that screen.
It's A Trap.
(In place of the Tardis now stands the Mandarin.)
TOYMAKER:
What a spoil-sport you are, Doctor.
They like my memory window.
Old Grandfather :
You! I might have guessed.
TOYMAKER:
Of course. I've been waiting
for you a long time.
DODO:
Where's the Tardis?
TOYMAKER:
Don't worry, my dear.
Just watch over there.
(As Dodo looks at the screen, an image appears of a young girl wearing a school beret.)
DODO:
It's me the day my mother died!
DOCTOR:
DOCTOR:
Turn away from it this instant!
STEVEN:
Look away.
(Steven pulls Dodo to himself.)
(Steven pulls Dodo to himself.)
TOYMAKER:
What a shame. I thought my little invention would amuse you.
DOCTOR:
You and your inventions, ha!
Now, both of you, be very careful.
This place is a hidden menace. Nothing is just for fun.
STEVEN:
What's the idea of it?
DOCTOR:
He's trying to get us into His Power.
That's why we've got to fight him.
DODO:
Well can't we just go?
I hate this place.
DOCTOR:
My dear, but how?
That is the question.
DODO:
In the Tardis, of course, as always.
TOYMAKER:
There are many of them.
Take your choice.
(On screen, rows of Tardises are filing past as if on a conveyor belt.)
STEVEN:
There are hundreds of them!
TOYMAKER:
Yes, hundreds. Come, Doctor.
DOCTOR:
No!
(Steven and Dodo turn round. The room is completely empty.)
STEVEN:
Doctor!
DODO:
DODO:
Have you gone invisible again?
STEVEN: No, he's gone. That man has taken him away.
DODO: I don't like it. We should never have stayed.
STEVEN: It's too late now.
DODO: Who was that man?
STEVEN: I don't know. But we've got to find the Doctor.
(The only door in the room suddenly opens and two clowns enter the room on tiptoe.)
STEVEN: What on Earth?
DODO: Shhh! Shhh! Steven.
STEVEN: But why have I got to be quiet?
(Joey, the sad clown offers Steven his hand which comes away in Steven's own, as Clara, the happy clown pops a balloon with a hat pin. The newcomers mime convulsive laughter. Dodo giggles.)
STEVEN: Very funny. Don't see what you've got to laugh about.
DODO: If you could only see your face with that hand.
(Joey presents Dodo with a bouquet.)
DODO: For me? (honk) Oh thanks. No one's ever given me flowers before.
(As she leans in to smell them, a jet of water squirts in her face. It's Steven's turn to be amused.)
STEVEN: If you could just see your face.
DODO: I'm not sure that I like these clowns.
STEVEN: Look, can either of you talk? (honk) Well, how about you?
CLARA: (very high pitched) Yes, I can talk. How are you?
(Carmen Silvera long before 'Allo, Allo.)
STEVEN: I'm fine. But what do you want with us?
TOYMAKER: They're here to entertain you. Play a game with you.
STEVEN: Well, thank you very much. We've been entertained. We don't want to play your games. Now where have you taken the Doctor?
TOYMAKER: Taken the Doctor? Nowhere, my dear chap. The Doctor and I are going to play a little game together. You can watch the results on that board.
(He points to the screen.)
TOYMAKER: But you must win all your games before he does.
STEVEN: Look, we're not interested in your games. We want to go back to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: That's impossible.
STEVEN: Impossible?
TOYMAKER: Well, not quite impossible, but you'll have to win a few games first. After each game, if you win, you will find a Tardis, which may or may not be the real one.
STEVEN: What do you mean, the real one?
TOYMAKER: As you have seen, I have many copies.
DODO: So we have to win a game before we can get to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: Right. Several games, in fact.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: Then you both stay here as my guests.
DODO: We'd better play his silly games, Steven.
STEVEN: I don't see why we should humour him. He's obviously around the bend.
DODO: That's just it. If we don't do as he says, we may never get out of here.
TOYMAKER: Well?
STEVEN: All right, we'll play your little games. But if we win, we get the Tardis back, okay?
TOYMAKER: Agreed.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: You'll never see the Tardis again.
(The Toymaker vanishes.)
STEVEN: Wait!
DODO: You never asked him about the Doctor.
STEVEN: Oh, he's probably got his game to play. I'm glad we're not playing that one.
DODO: What are we playing?
CLARA: Blind Man's Buff!
[Toymaker's office]
(The Toymaker and the Doctor face each other across the triangular table.)
DOCTOR: You will kindly cease this practical joking, and let us go at once.
TOYMAKER: Patience, Doctor, patience. You've only just got here. Relax. It's so nice to see you again.
DOCTOR: And now you have, so let us go.
TOYMAKER: You're so innocent, Doctor. The last time you were here, I hoped you'd stay long enough for a game, but you had hardly time to turn around.
DOCTOR: And very wise I was, too. You and your games are quite notorious. You draw people here like a spider does to flies.
TOYMAKER: How absurd. It amuses me to give amusement.
DOCTOR: And should they lose the game they play, you condemn them to become your toy forever.
TOYMAKER: That is one of my rules, certainly. But if they win, they're perfectly free to go.
DOCTOR: And if I refuse?
TOYMAKER: Then you lose by default. Is that what you choose?
DOCTOR: No, I do not. I should never have left the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: You're so insatiably curious. That's why I ensured that the scanner would be blank. I knew that would bring you out.
DOCTOR: Another one of your conjuring tricks. What game is it you want me to play?
(The Toymaker indicates the table.)
TOYMAKER: This.
(Each of the three corners is inlaid with a letter, A B and C.)
DOCTOR: The trilogic game?
TOYMAKER: The trilogic game. A game for the mind, Doctor, the developed mind. Difficult for the practiced mind. Dangerous for the mind that has become old, lazy or weak.
DOCTOR: You infer that my mind is getting weak and old?
TOYMAKER: Well now, we shall see. Perhaps it is merely lazy.
DOCTOR: How dare you.
TOYMAKER: So you still think that you can pit your mind against mine?
DOCTOR: Of course I can.
TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys. But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together, your brain against mine.
DOCTOR: As you said, if I win the game, I can go.
TOYMAKER: So you can, Doctor, so you can. But I think you will lose. Can you remember how to play?
(Ten triangular playing counters stacked in a pyramid now appear on corner A, with number 1, the smallest, at the top.)
DOCTOR: I am only allowed to move one piece at a time.
TOYMAKER: That is right. And you must rearrange them in the same order that they are now on point C.
DOCTOR: And I am not permitted to put a larger piece on a small piece.
TOYMAKER: Correct. And you have 1,023 moves to do it in. That is the exact amount. If you make one mistake, you lose. And to help you count, there.
(He indicates a tally recorder.)
TOYMAKER: When the two rows of numbers match, the game is over.
(The top row reads 1023, the bottom 0.)
DOCTOR: I see. Can I begin?
TOYMAKER: Don't be so impatient, Doctor.
(He points to a monitor on the wall.)
TOYMAKER> There. We mustn't forget them.
DOCTOR: You are not asking them to play this game.
TOYMAKER: Good heavens, no. They are on the competitive quest.
DOCTOR: Competitive? And who are the others?
TOYMAKER: Two clown friends of mine. They are the home team. They will play against your friends and win the quest.
DOCTOR: Quest? What quest?
TOYMAKER: The hunt for the Tardis. Win the games, and you get it back.
[Toyroom]
(Thanks to the efforts of the two clowns, the floor of the toyroom now resembles a huge board game with a series of obstacles laid out between Start and Home.)
DODO: It's rather like a Snakes and Ladders set I used to have.
STEVEN: Looks crazy to me.
DODO: Oh, go on, have a go. It looks fun.
STEVEN: What, me on that? Not on your life.
DODO: But this is the game we have to play, right?
CLARA: This is your game.
STEVEN: Right, then you play it.
CLARA: Oh no! You must play it. It's all quite simple. You start here, blindfold.
STEVEN: You must be joking. Kids game.
DODO: Steven! Go on.
CLARA: You have to cross these obstacles without falling down. And if you get home without falling down, you win the game.
STEVEN: And what's old What's-His-Name there going to be doing all this time?
CLARA: His name is Joey. I'm Clara. He will play it too, of course.
STEVEN: And if he loses? No answer that time. And what happens if we both manage it?
CLARA: Then we play it again until someone loses.
STEVEN: Oh, it's a great future the Toymaker's got mapped out for us. All right, chum, you want to show me how it's done? (honk, bell, honk, bell) That means yes, I suppose. (honk)
(Clara ties a blindfold over Joey's eyes and guides him onto the start position. The first obstacle is a set of pinnacles over which Joey must swing on a rope.)
CLARA: You must come with me.
(She leads Steven and Dodo into a glass-fronted booth. Inside is a control panel.)
CLARA: This is where we control them. One buzz for right turn, two for left, three to stop, four to start.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey feels for the rope, unties it and swings across the pinnacles, landing sure-footedly on the first of a series of stepping stones, the second obstacle. He steps confidently from one stone to the next.)
[Toymaker's office]
(Watching the monitor alone, the Doctor finds a communication switch.)
DOCTOR: Dodo? Steven? This is the Doctor. The game you're going to play is not so innocent as it looks. Be on your guard.
[Toyroom]
DOCTOR [OC]: If you lose this game, we shall be here forever. So watch out for
[Toymaker's office]
TOYMAKER: That was unwise of you, Doctor.
(The Toymaker's flicked the switch.)
DOCTOR: I must warn them.
TOYMAKER: Attend to your own game. Go from move 152.
(Seemingly of their own volition, the counters and tally move as the Toymaker has commanded.)
TOYMAKER: Keep playing, Doctor. And to stop you interfering, I shall have to dematerialise you again. There.
(Once again, the Doctor is intangible.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You are overreaching yourself, Toymaker. How can I play this game?
TOYMAKER: Let's see. Suppose we leave you one hand, there. I suggest you resume the game.
(The Doctor's disembodied hand hovers over the table. With great dignity he takes counter 1 from B and places it on C, then moves counter 2 from B to A.)
TOYMAKER: I thought you'd see it my way, Doctor.
[Toyroom]
(Joey has completed the third and fourth obstacles, and reaches Home.)
CLARA: We won! We won!
STEVEN: Just a minute. I haven't had a go yet.
DODO: But the Doctor warned us.
STEVEN: It's all right, I can manage it. Rope, five stones, steps, plank, tube. Now I can do it if you can guide me. After all, he can do it. And you remember the directions?
DODO: Right, one buzz. Left, two buzzes. Four to start and three to stop.
(Leaving Dodo in the booth, Steven positions himself at the start of the course. Clara ties on his blindfold.)
CLARA: Can you see?
STEVEN: Not a thing. Right, I'm ready.
(Clara joins Dodo whilst Joey hovers nonchalantly around the course.)
CLARA: Ready now.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. As Steven prepares to rope swing across to the stepping stones, Joey nudges the first stone out of position.)
DODO: Look what he's doing! Cheat! You cheat! Steven, look out!
CLARA: He can't hear you! The door's self-locking!
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: Dodo, be careful. You nearly made me fall that time.
(Steven swings across but his feet find nothing on the other side.)
STEVEN: What have you done now, you clown, you?
(Honk, buzz)
STEVEN: One right. One right?
(He swings again, this time landing safely.)
STEVEN: Phew, that was close. (honk) Yes, you'll honk when I get this blindfold off. Now he's moved another. He moved the first to the right, he's moved the second to the left.
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: No, what now? (buzz) To the right? (honk) You wait!
(With Joey continuing to disrupt the course, Steven is forced to listen carefully to Dodo's signals as he gingerly negotiates the other stones. Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Eventually Steven steps off the final stone onto a stepladder and sits down to mop his brow.)
DODO: I don't see how he has a chance of winning if you cheat all the time.
CLARA: Cheat? Oh no. It's just a few variations. It makes it more fun.
(For the next stage, Steven must cross a plank mounted between two sets of steps. As he's edging along, Joey tries to distract him.)
STEVEN: What was that? (honk) You again. I warn you! (honk) Games with clowns.
(He reaches the end and begins to climb down. The final obstacle is a large flexible tube which he must pass through in order to reach home. Buzz buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.) DODO: He's far too big to squeeze through that tube.
CLARA: Joey did.
DODO: But suppose he gets stuck half way, what then?
(Once Steven has entered the tube, Joey drags the other end round to form a U shape.)
DODO: Look what he's done! It's not fair!
CLARA: He goes back to the start!
DODO: And you think that's fair? Let me out of here! Open the door!
CLARA: I can't!
DODO: Oh, you're just like a doll! A rag doll! I don't think this funny at all.
(Emerging from the end of the tube, Steven feels for the table marking Home. Instead, he finds the steps again.)
STEVEN: Oh, no!
(He tears off the blindfold.)
STEVEN: Look, I warned you!
CLARA: We won! We won!
DODO: You cheated. Steven completed the course.
CLARA: We won! Now you'll never find the Tardis!
STEVEN: Look, it's a draw. Now let's do it again, this time with him in the booth!
CLARA: The winner!
DODO: Steven, look at this! You can see right through it. It's not a real blindfold at all!
(The two clowns look crestfallen.)
STEVEN: No wonder you were able to run round the course so easily. And now we'll try it again, only this time with a real blindfold. Not so fast! Here, put that on him. You'd better go in the booth to guide him.
(Clara obeys whilst Dodo ties the genuine blindfold round Joey's head. The room has grown darker and the clowns are suddenly sombre.)
STEVEN: Right. Now we'll play The Toymaker's little game fairly. Go on, Dodo, start him off.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey begins the course once again, guided by Clara's signals.)
DODO: Steven, I'm frightened. Have you noticed he's not funny anymore?
(Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The clown teeters precariously on the plank.)
DODO: Steven, you'd better stop him. He'll fall.
STEVEN: We can't stop him. It's him or us. Go on. You can't stop now!
(As Joey continues, his movements grow still and slow, until finally he topples over. In the booth, Clara is slumped lifeless over the controls. Suddenly all the lights go off, there's a loud thunderclap, and there illuminated at the far end of the room is the Tardis.)
STEVEN: Come on.
DODO: It can't be empty!
STEVEN: It is.
(There's only a blank cupboard behind the doors.)
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: What's that?
(It's a piece of paper. Dodo reads.)
DODO: Four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back. Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice. What does it mean?
STEVEN: A riddle. Look, here's a way out.
DODO: Perhaps this is to tell us where the Tardis is.
STEVEN: Or perhaps it's just another game. Anyway, we've got to find out.
(An exit has opened up at the back of the cupboard. Before following Steven through, Dodo glances back at the clowns. Twisted wooden dolls return to their proper size. With a shudder, she runs from the room.)
Episode Two - The Hall of Dolls
[Cupboard]
(Steven and Dodo face yet another panelled door, this one heavily bolted and with a sign saying 'Pull to open.' One panel shows a numeric display.)
DODO: This is the next game?
STEVEN: No. We'll find the next game behind this door.
DODO: How can you be sure?
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: The Doctor's move recorder for his game.
STEVEN: Yes, I know. This door's here to delay us. I think we're meant to try to get it open. The Toymaker's hoping that we'll waste time.
(They undo all of the locks.)
STEVEN: That should do it. It won't open.
DODO: But it must. What's wrong with it? I know, let's pull instead.
(They do so, and the door flies open, offering them a view of the first Chair Room.)
[Toymaker's study]
(The Doctor's hand makes his 417th move.)
DOCTOR: I haven't made a mistake yet.
TOYMAKER: Let's hope not, Doctor. I would hate you to end up in my dolls' house. I reserve that fate for your two friends.
DOCTOR: They'll win, too.
TOYMAKER: No, they will lose one game, and then, like the clowns, they'll become my toys, and we shall be able to amuse ourselves through all eternity.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
TOYMAKER: You remember the agreement? They must find your Tardis before you finish your game. If they don't, then you will have to stay here and you'll be in my power forever. Look, they've already reached their next test.
DOCTOR: That game? I might have known.
(The hand presses a communicator.)
DOCTOR: Steven! Dodo! Take care. It's chair number
TOYMAKER: You fool! Now I have been forced to make you dumb as well as intangible. You cannot speak until you have reached the second to last move of the trilogic game. Now then, let them play their games whilst you play yours. Go from move 444. And no more clever tricks, if you please.
(As the counters move themselves into new positions, the Toymaker spreads a pack of playing cards on his desk.)
TOYMAKER: Your friends managed to outwit my clowns. I shall have to find more worthy opponents for them. There. I think perhaps the Heart family. They have great experience in a great variety of games.
[First Chair room]
STEVEN: The Doctor was trying to warn us.
TOYMAKER: I'm seriously annoyed with your friend. Once again, he tried to talk to you, so I've had to deprive him of his voice. Let it be a warning to you. Play the games according to the rules I set, or give up now.
STEVEN: The rules you set? Your own players break them. They cheat!
DODO:
STEVEN: No, he's gone. That man has taken him away.
DODO: I don't like it. We should never have stayed.
STEVEN: It's too late now.
DODO: Who was that man?
STEVEN: I don't know. But we've got to find the Doctor.
(The only door in the room suddenly opens and two clowns enter the room on tiptoe.)
STEVEN: What on Earth?
DODO: Shhh! Shhh! Steven.
STEVEN: But why have I got to be quiet?
(Joey, the sad clown offers Steven his hand which comes away in Steven's own, as Clara, the happy clown pops a balloon with a hat pin. The newcomers mime convulsive laughter. Dodo giggles.)
STEVEN: Very funny. Don't see what you've got to laugh about.
DODO: If you could only see your face with that hand.
(Joey presents Dodo with a bouquet.)
DODO: For me? (honk) Oh thanks. No one's ever given me flowers before.
(As she leans in to smell them, a jet of water squirts in her face. It's Steven's turn to be amused.)
STEVEN: If you could just see your face.
DODO: I'm not sure that I like these clowns.
STEVEN: Look, can either of you talk? (honk) Well, how about you?
CLARA: (very high pitched) Yes, I can talk. How are you?
(Carmen Silvera long before 'Allo, Allo.)
STEVEN: I'm fine. But what do you want with us?
TOYMAKER: They're here to entertain you. Play a game with you.
STEVEN: Well, thank you very much. We've been entertained. We don't want to play your games. Now where have you taken the Doctor?
TOYMAKER: Taken the Doctor? Nowhere, my dear chap. The Doctor and I are going to play a little game together. You can watch the results on that board.
(He points to the screen.)
TOYMAKER: But you must win all your games before he does.
STEVEN: Look, we're not interested in your games. We want to go back to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: That's impossible.
STEVEN: Impossible?
TOYMAKER: Well, not quite impossible, but you'll have to win a few games first. After each game, if you win, you will find a Tardis, which may or may not be the real one.
STEVEN: What do you mean, the real one?
TOYMAKER: As you have seen, I have many copies.
DODO: So we have to win a game before we can get to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: Right. Several games, in fact.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: Then you both stay here as my guests.
DODO: We'd better play his silly games, Steven.
STEVEN: I don't see why we should humour him. He's obviously around the bend.
DODO: That's just it. If we don't do as he says, we may never get out of here.
TOYMAKER: Well?
STEVEN: All right, we'll play your little games. But if we win, we get the Tardis back, okay?
TOYMAKER: Agreed.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: You'll never see the Tardis again.
(The Toymaker vanishes.)
STEVEN: Wait!
DODO: You never asked him about the Doctor.
STEVEN: Oh, he's probably got his game to play. I'm glad we're not playing that one.
DODO: What are we playing?
CLARA: Blind Man's Buff!
[Toymaker's office]
(The Toymaker and the Doctor face each other across the triangular table.)
DOCTOR: You will kindly cease this practical joking, and let us go at once.
TOYMAKER: Patience, Doctor, patience. You've only just got here. Relax. It's so nice to see you again.
DOCTOR: And now you have, so let us go.
TOYMAKER: You're so innocent, Doctor. The last time you were here, I hoped you'd stay long enough for a game, but you had hardly time to turn around.
DOCTOR: And very wise I was, too. You and your games are quite notorious. You draw people here like a spider does to flies.
TOYMAKER: How absurd. It amuses me to give amusement.
DOCTOR: And should they lose the game they play, you condemn them to become your toy forever.
TOYMAKER: That is one of my rules, certainly. But if they win, they're perfectly free to go.
DOCTOR: And if I refuse?
TOYMAKER: Then you lose by default. Is that what you choose?
DOCTOR: No, I do not. I should never have left the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: You're so insatiably curious. That's why I ensured that the scanner would be blank. I knew that would bring you out.
DOCTOR: Another one of your conjuring tricks. What game is it you want me to play?
(The Toymaker indicates the table.)
TOYMAKER: This.
(Each of the three corners is inlaid with a letter, A B and C.)
DOCTOR: The trilogic game?
TOYMAKER: The trilogic game. A game for the mind, Doctor, the developed mind. Difficult for the practiced mind. Dangerous for the mind that has become old, lazy or weak.
DOCTOR: You infer that my mind is getting weak and old?
TOYMAKER: Well now, we shall see. Perhaps it is merely lazy.
DOCTOR: How dare you.
TOYMAKER: So you still think that you can pit your mind against mine?
DOCTOR: Of course I can.
TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys. But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together, your brain against mine.
DOCTOR: As you said, if I win the game, I can go.
TOYMAKER: So you can, Doctor, so you can. But I think you will lose. Can you remember how to play?
(Ten triangular playing counters stacked in a pyramid now appear on corner A, with number 1, the smallest, at the top.)
DOCTOR: I am only allowed to move one piece at a time.
TOYMAKER: That is right. And you must rearrange them in the same order that they are now on point C.
DOCTOR: And I am not permitted to put a larger piece on a small piece.
TOYMAKER: Correct. And you have 1,023 moves to do it in. That is the exact amount. If you make one mistake, you lose. And to help you count, there.
(He indicates a tally recorder.)
TOYMAKER: When the two rows of numbers match, the game is over.
(The top row reads 1023, the bottom 0.)
DOCTOR: I see. Can I begin?
TOYMAKER: Don't be so impatient, Doctor.
(He points to a monitor on the wall.)
TOYMAKER> There. We mustn't forget them.
DOCTOR: You are not asking them to play this game.
TOYMAKER: Good heavens, no. They are on the competitive quest.
DOCTOR: Competitive? And who are the others?
TOYMAKER: Two clown friends of mine. They are the home team. They will play against your friends and win the quest.
DOCTOR: Quest? What quest?
TOYMAKER: The hunt for the Tardis. Win the games, and you get it back.
[Toyroom]
(Thanks to the efforts of the two clowns, the floor of the toyroom now resembles a huge board game with a series of obstacles laid out between Start and Home.)
DODO: It's rather like a Snakes and Ladders set I used to have.
STEVEN: Looks crazy to me.
DODO: Oh, go on, have a go. It looks fun.
STEVEN: What, me on that? Not on your life.
DODO: But this is the game we have to play, right?
CLARA: This is your game.
STEVEN: Right, then you play it.
CLARA: Oh no! You must play it. It's all quite simple. You start here, blindfold.
STEVEN: You must be joking. Kids game.
DODO: Steven! Go on.
CLARA: You have to cross these obstacles without falling down. And if you get home without falling down, you win the game.
STEVEN: And what's old What's-His-Name there going to be doing all this time?
CLARA: His name is Joey. I'm Clara. He will play it too, of course.
STEVEN: And if he loses? No answer that time. And what happens if we both manage it?
CLARA: Then we play it again until someone loses.
STEVEN: Oh, it's a great future the Toymaker's got mapped out for us. All right, chum, you want to show me how it's done? (honk, bell, honk, bell) That means yes, I suppose. (honk)
(Clara ties a blindfold over Joey's eyes and guides him onto the start position. The first obstacle is a set of pinnacles over which Joey must swing on a rope.)
CLARA: You must come with me.
(She leads Steven and Dodo into a glass-fronted booth. Inside is a control panel.)
CLARA: This is where we control them. One buzz for right turn, two for left, three to stop, four to start.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey feels for the rope, unties it and swings across the pinnacles, landing sure-footedly on the first of a series of stepping stones, the second obstacle. He steps confidently from one stone to the next.)
[Toymaker's office]
(Watching the monitor alone, the Doctor finds a communication switch.)
DOCTOR: Dodo? Steven? This is the Doctor. The game you're going to play is not so innocent as it looks. Be on your guard.
[Toyroom]
DOCTOR [OC]: If you lose this game, we shall be here forever. So watch out for
[Toymaker's office]
TOYMAKER: That was unwise of you, Doctor.
(The Toymaker's flicked the switch.)
DOCTOR: I must warn them.
TOYMAKER: Attend to your own game. Go from move 152.
(Seemingly of their own volition, the counters and tally move as the Toymaker has commanded.)
TOYMAKER: Keep playing, Doctor. And to stop you interfering, I shall have to dematerialise you again. There.
(Once again, the Doctor is intangible.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You are overreaching yourself, Toymaker. How can I play this game?
TOYMAKER: Let's see. Suppose we leave you one hand, there. I suggest you resume the game.
(The Doctor's disembodied hand hovers over the table. With great dignity he takes counter 1 from B and places it on C, then moves counter 2 from B to A.)
TOYMAKER: I thought you'd see it my way, Doctor.
[Toyroom]
(Joey has completed the third and fourth obstacles, and reaches Home.)
CLARA: We won! We won!
STEVEN: Just a minute. I haven't had a go yet.
DODO: But the Doctor warned us.
STEVEN: It's all right, I can manage it. Rope, five stones, steps, plank, tube. Now I can do it if you can guide me. After all, he can do it. And you remember the directions?
DODO: Right, one buzz. Left, two buzzes. Four to start and three to stop.
(Leaving Dodo in the booth, Steven positions himself at the start of the course. Clara ties on his blindfold.)
CLARA: Can you see?
STEVEN: Not a thing. Right, I'm ready.
(Clara joins Dodo whilst Joey hovers nonchalantly around the course.)
CLARA: Ready now.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. As Steven prepares to rope swing across to the stepping stones, Joey nudges the first stone out of position.)
DODO: Look what he's doing! Cheat! You cheat! Steven, look out!
CLARA: He can't hear you! The door's self-locking!
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: Dodo, be careful. You nearly made me fall that time.
(Steven swings across but his feet find nothing on the other side.)
STEVEN: What have you done now, you clown, you?
(Honk, buzz)
STEVEN: One right. One right?
(He swings again, this time landing safely.)
STEVEN: Phew, that was close. (honk) Yes, you'll honk when I get this blindfold off. Now he's moved another. He moved the first to the right, he's moved the second to the left.
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: No, what now? (buzz) To the right? (honk) You wait!
(With Joey continuing to disrupt the course, Steven is forced to listen carefully to Dodo's signals as he gingerly negotiates the other stones. Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Eventually Steven steps off the final stone onto a stepladder and sits down to mop his brow.)
DODO: I don't see how he has a chance of winning if you cheat all the time.
CLARA: Cheat? Oh no. It's just a few variations. It makes it more fun.
(For the next stage, Steven must cross a plank mounted between two sets of steps. As he's edging along, Joey tries to distract him.)
STEVEN: What was that? (honk) You again. I warn you! (honk) Games with clowns.
(He reaches the end and begins to climb down. The final obstacle is a large flexible tube which he must pass through in order to reach home. Buzz buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.) DODO: He's far too big to squeeze through that tube.
CLARA: Joey did.
DODO: But suppose he gets stuck half way, what then?
(Once Steven has entered the tube, Joey drags the other end round to form a U shape.)
DODO: Look what he's done! It's not fair!
CLARA: He goes back to the start!
DODO: And you think that's fair? Let me out of here! Open the door!
CLARA: I can't!
DODO: Oh, you're just like a doll! A rag doll! I don't think this funny at all.
(Emerging from the end of the tube, Steven feels for the table marking Home. Instead, he finds the steps again.)
STEVEN: Oh, no!
(He tears off the blindfold.)
STEVEN: Look, I warned you!
CLARA: We won! We won!
DODO: You cheated. Steven completed the course.
CLARA: We won! Now you'll never find the Tardis!
STEVEN: Look, it's a draw. Now let's do it again, this time with him in the booth!
CLARA: The winner!
DODO: Steven, look at this! You can see right through it. It's not a real blindfold at all!
(The two clowns look crestfallen.)
STEVEN: No wonder you were able to run round the course so easily. And now we'll try it again, only this time with a real blindfold. Not so fast! Here, put that on him. You'd better go in the booth to guide him.
(Clara obeys whilst Dodo ties the genuine blindfold round Joey's head. The room has grown darker and the clowns are suddenly sombre.)
STEVEN: Right. Now we'll play The Toymaker's little game fairly. Go on, Dodo, start him off.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey begins the course once again, guided by Clara's signals.)
DODO: Steven, I'm frightened. Have you noticed he's not funny anymore?
(Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The clown teeters precariously on the plank.)
DODO: Steven, you'd better stop him. He'll fall.
STEVEN: We can't stop him. It's him or us. Go on. You can't stop now!
(As Joey continues, his movements grow still and slow, until finally he topples over. In the booth, Clara is slumped lifeless over the controls. Suddenly all the lights go off, there's a loud thunderclap, and there illuminated at the far end of the room is the Tardis.)
STEVEN: Come on.
DODO: It can't be empty!
STEVEN: It is.
(There's only a blank cupboard behind the doors.)
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: What's that?
(It's a piece of paper. Dodo reads.)
DODO: Four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back. Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice. What does it mean?
STEVEN: A riddle. Look, here's a way out.
DODO: Perhaps this is to tell us where the Tardis is.
STEVEN: Or perhaps it's just another game. Anyway, we've got to find out.
(An exit has opened up at the back of the cupboard. Before following Steven through, Dodo glances back at the clowns. Twisted wooden dolls return to their proper size. With a shudder, she runs from the room.)
Episode Two - The Hall of Dolls
[Cupboard]
(Steven and Dodo face yet another panelled door, this one heavily bolted and with a sign saying 'Pull to open.' One panel shows a numeric display.)
DODO: This is the next game?
STEVEN: No. We'll find the next game behind this door.
DODO: How can you be sure?
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: The Doctor's move recorder for his game.
STEVEN: Yes, I know. This door's here to delay us. I think we're meant to try to get it open. The Toymaker's hoping that we'll waste time.
(They undo all of the locks.)
STEVEN: That should do it. It won't open.
DODO: But it must. What's wrong with it? I know, let's pull instead.
(They do so, and the door flies open, offering them a view of the first Chair Room.)
[Toymaker's study]
(The Doctor's hand makes his 417th move.)
DOCTOR: I haven't made a mistake yet.
TOYMAKER: Let's hope not, Doctor. I would hate you to end up in my dolls' house. I reserve that fate for your two friends.
DOCTOR: They'll win, too.
TOYMAKER: No, they will lose one game, and then, like the clowns, they'll become my toys, and we shall be able to amuse ourselves through all eternity.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
TOYMAKER: You remember the agreement? They must find your Tardis before you finish your game. If they don't, then you will have to stay here and you'll be in my power forever. Look, they've already reached their next test.
DOCTOR: That game? I might have known.
(The hand presses a communicator.)
DOCTOR: Steven! Dodo! Take care. It's chair number
TOYMAKER: You fool! Now I have been forced to make you dumb as well as intangible. You cannot speak until you have reached the second to last move of the trilogic game. Now then, let them play their games whilst you play yours. Go from move 444. And no more clever tricks, if you please.
(As the counters move themselves into new positions, the Toymaker spreads a pack of playing cards on his desk.)
TOYMAKER: Your friends managed to outwit my clowns. I shall have to find more worthy opponents for them. There. I think perhaps the Heart family. They have great experience in a great variety of games.
[First Chair room]
STEVEN: The Doctor was trying to warn us.
TOYMAKER: I'm seriously annoyed with your friend. Once again, he tried to talk to you, so I've had to deprive him of his voice. Let it be a warning to you. Play the games according to the rules I set, or give up now.
STEVEN: The rules you set? Your own players break them. They cheat!
DODO:
How can we believe anything you say? Everything here is so strange.
STEVEN: We can't even be certain that that was the Doctor's voice we heard at all. It could have been you leading us toward another trap.
TOYMAKER: I'm glad to see you're at last treating me with respect.
DODO: Only as long as you have the Doctor. After that, we'll see
STEVEN: Forget it, Dodo, he's gone.
(The room contains three elaborate numbered thrones.)
STEVEN: What odd looking chairs. Perhaps these are what the Doctor was trying to warn us about.
QUEEN: Is this the room? Is this the room, I said.
(Carmen Silvera in another role.)
KING: Oh, er I think so, my dear.
(Joey the clown reborn)
QUEEN: And I suppose these are the people we have to play against.
KING: Hmm? Oh! Oh! Peasants, my dear.
QUEEN: Peasants!
STEVEN: Just a minute. Who do you think you're calling a peasant?
DODO: Steven, don't you see who they are?
STEVEN: Well, yes, they do look familiar.
DODO: They're playing cards. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards.
STEVEN: The Toymaker's warped sense of humour, I suppose.
QUEEN: None of these look in the least like your throne.
KING: Hmmm? No, no, no, they don't, do we my dear. Although the Toymaker did say we'd find them in here, didn't he?
STEVEN: What was that riddle again?
DODO: Er, four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back.
STEVEN: That must be these chairs.
DODO: But what about the rest of it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice.
STEVEN: Hmmm. Well that can't be the chairs. There are only three of them.
QUEEN: You're not paying the least attention again. I warned you, if we don't find that throne, he'll keep us here. We shall remain playing cards for the rest of eternity.
KING: Ah! Very good point, my dear. Yes, yes, we must find the throne.
DODO: What do you make of them? They seem almost like real people.
STEVEN: Oh, ignore them. They're sent here to distract us. Let's take a look through here.
QUEEN: Where's that Knave? Cyril! Cyril! Tormenting the Joker again I'll be bound.
(The Knave of Hearts, Cyril, enters with the Joker.
JOKER: Did you have to give him that sword?
QUEEN: Quiet, Fool. Cyril, what are you doing?
CYRIL: Nothing. Just playing with the Fool. I'm hungry.
(This ought to be Gerald Campion aka Billy Bunter, but it's not. Looks and sounds very similar though. Younger readers, think Christopher Biggins. If you must.)
KING: Ho, ho! The boy's always hungry.
JOKER: He's a pig.
QUEEN: What did you say?
JOKER: I said, give him a fig. I thought there was a throne to find.
QUEEN: So there is. Where have those peasants gone?
KING: Hmm? Oh, through that door, my dear.
QUEEN: Why didn't you tell me?
KING: Well, you never asked, me dear.
QUEEN: We must follow them at once.
KING: Oh.
QUEEN: Fool, you stay here and look after these chairs.
KING: Oh, but, now that the Fool is here, don't you think we could have a joke or two?
QUEEN: No! Come on.
KING: Oh, well, then, a riddle then? Or a merry quip?
QUEEN: Are you coming?
KING: Oh, yes, my dear.
[Second Chair room]
(Steven and Dodo have slipped away down a side passage. They find themselves in a second chair room containing four more chairs numbered from four to seven. Set into the walls are four familiar looking cupboards.)
STEVEN: Dodo! Four in here, three in there. It must be the chairs. What is it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice. I suppose that means six of them are dangerous.
DODO: And only one is the right one.
STEVEN: We'll have to find out which one by elimination. But how? And how dangerous are they?
DODO: No, Steven, don't.
STEVEN: Why? What's wrong?
DODO: Don't risk it. None of the Toymakers' toys are just jokes. Six of these chairs will destroy us.
STEVEN: It's a charming thought, but you're probably right. But Dodo, have you noticed all these cupboards? They're all exactly the same shape as the Tardis.
DODO: Yes, but they could be as dangerous as the chairs.
STEVEN: No, I don't think so. There are only four, and there weren't any in the other room.
(He opens the first cupboard. Dodo screams.)
STEVEN: It's all right, they're only dolls.
DODO: I've got it. We'll use the dolls to sit in the chairs. If we've got enough that is. That's four here, and these three make up the seven.
STEVEN: Don't touch them!
DODO: Why? What's wrong?
STEVEN: Well, they may be dangerous, too.
DODO: But the riddle said six deadly sisters, and some of these are men dolls.
STEVEN: What was the last line again?
DODO: Erm, call the servants without voice. But you can't call someone without speaking.
STEVEN: But they haven't got voices. We have. Dolls, come out! Look, they must be the servants. Maybe it's some poetic term, the call bit.
(When none of the mannequins stir, Steven pulls four of them out onto the floor.)
STEVEN: Nothing's happened yet. Well, if we can get them all out before the king and queen get here, we can test the chairs.
DODO: Wait. With seven dolls in three cupboards, what's the other one for?
STEVEN: Perhaps that might be the real Tardis.
(Whilst they're examining the cupboard the other door slides shut, leaving three dolls still inside.)
DODO: It won't open.
STEVEN: Of course, the Doctor's got the key. Come on, look!
(He points to a game tally.)
STEVEN: The Doctor's more than half way through his game already. We've got to find out what we've got to do here first, quick, before the others arrive.
QUEEN: Ah, the peasants again. Caught you in the act. What are you up to?
KING: Oh, they seem to be playing with dolls, my dear.
QUEEN: I can see that. The point is, what are they doing with them?
DODO: They seem very real. We're going to use the dolls to test the chairs.
QUEEN: To test them?
DODO: Yes. Six of them are dangerous and only one is safe. You know, I feel very foolish talking to a playing card.
QUEEN: A playing card?
DODO: Well, aren't you?
STEVEN: Dodo, it's useless talking to them. They're just products of the Toymaker's imagination.
QUEEN: We're as real as you are. Henry.
KING: Oh, er, yes, my dear?
QUEEN: Come here.
KING: Yes, my dear.
QUEEN: Let this wretched child feel your arm.
KING: Feel my arm?
QUEEN: There, child. Isn't that an arm? Not much of one, I grant you, but nevertheless, a real arm.
DODO: It is, Steven, these are real people. Feel his arm.
STEVEN: No, I'll take your word for it. Look, if you're real people, what are you doing here? And why are you wearing those ridiculous clothes?
KING: Ah yes, well, it would take a little too long to explain, my boy. The fact is that we are victims of the Toymaker, the same as you are. For instance, if I were to sit in this chair.
QUEEN: Henry, no! We don't know.
KING: Oh! Oh, no, no, no, we don't, do we?
QUEEN: We must use the dolls. We'll each choose a doll in turn, and then we'll take it in turn to test the chairs, that way we'll find the answer even quicker.
DODO: We found the dolls. They're ours. And we're supposed to be playing against you.
QUEEN: But that doesn't seem right. There are four dolls and four of us. We must be meant to have one each. That's only fair.
KING: And then we can test the dolls sitting in the chair before doing so ourselves?
DODO: What do you mean, one each? What about
STEVEN: It's all right, Dodo.
DODO: Yes, but what about
STEVEN: It'll be all right. Now never mind and keep quiet. All right, go ahead. Choose your dolls.
DODO: But I don't understand. What about the others?
STEVEN: We can't even be certain that that was the Doctor's voice we heard at all. It could have been you leading us toward another trap.
TOYMAKER: I'm glad to see you're at last treating me with respect.
DODO: Only as long as you have the Doctor. After that, we'll see
STEVEN: Forget it, Dodo, he's gone.
(The room contains three elaborate numbered thrones.)
STEVEN: What odd looking chairs. Perhaps these are what the Doctor was trying to warn us about.
QUEEN: Is this the room? Is this the room, I said.
(Carmen Silvera in another role.)
KING: Oh, er I think so, my dear.
(Joey the clown reborn)
QUEEN: And I suppose these are the people we have to play against.
KING: Hmm? Oh! Oh! Peasants, my dear.
QUEEN: Peasants!
STEVEN: Just a minute. Who do you think you're calling a peasant?
DODO: Steven, don't you see who they are?
STEVEN: Well, yes, they do look familiar.
DODO: They're playing cards. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards.
STEVEN: The Toymaker's warped sense of humour, I suppose.
QUEEN: None of these look in the least like your throne.
KING: Hmmm? No, no, no, they don't, do we my dear. Although the Toymaker did say we'd find them in here, didn't he?
STEVEN: What was that riddle again?
DODO: Er, four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back.
STEVEN: That must be these chairs.
DODO: But what about the rest of it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice.
STEVEN: Hmmm. Well that can't be the chairs. There are only three of them.
QUEEN: You're not paying the least attention again. I warned you, if we don't find that throne, he'll keep us here. We shall remain playing cards for the rest of eternity.
KING: Ah! Very good point, my dear. Yes, yes, we must find the throne.
DODO: What do you make of them? They seem almost like real people.
STEVEN: Oh, ignore them. They're sent here to distract us. Let's take a look through here.
QUEEN: Where's that Knave? Cyril! Cyril! Tormenting the Joker again I'll be bound.
(The Knave of Hearts, Cyril, enters with the Joker.
JOKER: Did you have to give him that sword?
QUEEN: Quiet, Fool. Cyril, what are you doing?
CYRIL: Nothing. Just playing with the Fool. I'm hungry.
(This ought to be Gerald Campion aka Billy Bunter, but it's not. Looks and sounds very similar though. Younger readers, think Christopher Biggins. If you must.)
KING: Ho, ho! The boy's always hungry.
JOKER: He's a pig.
QUEEN: What did you say?
JOKER: I said, give him a fig. I thought there was a throne to find.
QUEEN: So there is. Where have those peasants gone?
KING: Hmm? Oh, through that door, my dear.
QUEEN: Why didn't you tell me?
KING: Well, you never asked, me dear.
QUEEN: We must follow them at once.
KING: Oh.
QUEEN: Fool, you stay here and look after these chairs.
KING: Oh, but, now that the Fool is here, don't you think we could have a joke or two?
QUEEN: No! Come on.
KING: Oh, well, then, a riddle then? Or a merry quip?
QUEEN: Are you coming?
KING: Oh, yes, my dear.
[Second Chair room]
(Steven and Dodo have slipped away down a side passage. They find themselves in a second chair room containing four more chairs numbered from four to seven. Set into the walls are four familiar looking cupboards.)
STEVEN: Dodo! Four in here, three in there. It must be the chairs. What is it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice. I suppose that means six of them are dangerous.
DODO: And only one is the right one.
STEVEN: We'll have to find out which one by elimination. But how? And how dangerous are they?
DODO: No, Steven, don't.
STEVEN: Why? What's wrong?
DODO: Don't risk it. None of the Toymakers' toys are just jokes. Six of these chairs will destroy us.
STEVEN: It's a charming thought, but you're probably right. But Dodo, have you noticed all these cupboards? They're all exactly the same shape as the Tardis.
DODO: Yes, but they could be as dangerous as the chairs.
STEVEN: No, I don't think so. There are only four, and there weren't any in the other room.
(He opens the first cupboard. Dodo screams.)
STEVEN: It's all right, they're only dolls.
DODO: I've got it. We'll use the dolls to sit in the chairs. If we've got enough that is. That's four here, and these three make up the seven.
STEVEN: Don't touch them!
DODO: Why? What's wrong?
STEVEN: Well, they may be dangerous, too.
DODO: But the riddle said six deadly sisters, and some of these are men dolls.
STEVEN: What was the last line again?
DODO: Erm, call the servants without voice. But you can't call someone without speaking.
STEVEN: But they haven't got voices. We have. Dolls, come out! Look, they must be the servants. Maybe it's some poetic term, the call bit.
(When none of the mannequins stir, Steven pulls four of them out onto the floor.)
STEVEN: Nothing's happened yet. Well, if we can get them all out before the king and queen get here, we can test the chairs.
DODO: Wait. With seven dolls in three cupboards, what's the other one for?
STEVEN: Perhaps that might be the real Tardis.
(Whilst they're examining the cupboard the other door slides shut, leaving three dolls still inside.)
DODO: It won't open.
STEVEN: Of course, the Doctor's got the key. Come on, look!
(He points to a game tally.)
STEVEN: The Doctor's more than half way through his game already. We've got to find out what we've got to do here first, quick, before the others arrive.
QUEEN: Ah, the peasants again. Caught you in the act. What are you up to?
KING: Oh, they seem to be playing with dolls, my dear.
QUEEN: I can see that. The point is, what are they doing with them?
DODO: They seem very real. We're going to use the dolls to test the chairs.
QUEEN: To test them?
DODO: Yes. Six of them are dangerous and only one is safe. You know, I feel very foolish talking to a playing card.
QUEEN: A playing card?
DODO: Well, aren't you?
STEVEN: Dodo, it's useless talking to them. They're just products of the Toymaker's imagination.
QUEEN: We're as real as you are. Henry.
KING: Oh, er, yes, my dear?
QUEEN: Come here.
KING: Yes, my dear.
QUEEN: Let this wretched child feel your arm.
KING: Feel my arm?
QUEEN: There, child. Isn't that an arm? Not much of one, I grant you, but nevertheless, a real arm.
DODO: It is, Steven, these are real people. Feel his arm.
STEVEN: No, I'll take your word for it. Look, if you're real people, what are you doing here? And why are you wearing those ridiculous clothes?
KING: Ah yes, well, it would take a little too long to explain, my boy. The fact is that we are victims of the Toymaker, the same as you are. For instance, if I were to sit in this chair.
QUEEN: Henry, no! We don't know.
KING: Oh! Oh, no, no, no, we don't, do we?
QUEEN: We must use the dolls. We'll each choose a doll in turn, and then we'll take it in turn to test the chairs, that way we'll find the answer even quicker.
DODO: We found the dolls. They're ours. And we're supposed to be playing against you.
QUEEN: But that doesn't seem right. There are four dolls and four of us. We must be meant to have one each. That's only fair.
KING: And then we can test the dolls sitting in the chair before doing so ourselves?
DODO: What do you mean, one each? What about
STEVEN: It's all right, Dodo.
DODO: Yes, but what about
STEVEN: It'll be all right. Now never mind and keep quiet. All right, go ahead. Choose your dolls.
DODO: But I don't understand. What about the others?
KING:
Oh, no no no, don't fuss yourself, m'dear.
The point of the game is to see
who picks the chair which isn't dangerous,
and whoever does that is the winner.
If it's you, you'll get your Tardis back, and if it is us,
we get our liberty.
STEVEN:
Now, he's right Dodo. Now go on, choose your doll, and keep quiet. We'll try our luck in the other room.
DODO: Oh, very well.
KING: Oh, are you going, m'dear?
STEVEN: We'll see you later.
QUEEN: I thought we were all supposed to play this game together?
STEVEN: Well as there are seven chairs, I thought that Dodo and I might try our luck in the other room. That way we'll all have an equal chance.
KING: Ah, yes, yes, yes, certainly my boy, yes, anything you like. Yes, well, good luck.
STEVEN: Come on, Dodo.
DODO: All right, I'm just coming. They're so big.
(Armed with a doll each, Steven and Dodo take their leave.)
KING: Charming couple, aren't they?
QUEEN: It isn't very charming to be told you're not real. We were not amused. Well, which chair do you suggest?
KING: Yes, well, none of them look like the throne, do they m'dear?
QUEEN: Well, then you must pick one at random.
KING: Ah, yes of course, random, yes, yes. Ah, now.
(The King closes his eyes and is about to sit in chair seven.)
KING; Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a nigger by the toe. Ah!
QUEEN: No, Henry! Put the doll in it.
KING: Oh, the doll, yes, quite right, yes, my dear, of course, the doll. Ah, here we are then. Now then, we'll take the doll and then. Oof. I say, it's rather heavy, my dear. Nearly as heavy as I am, I've no doubt that this will be perfectly good test for the
(A metal clamp secures the doll and it begins to vibrate furiously.)
QUEEN: Henry!
[First Chair room]
(The Joker and Cyril are asleep in the first room.)
STEVEN: Oh, no. Not more playing cards.
DODO: They look rather sweet, don't they? A Jack and a Joker.
STEVEN: Leave them alone and concentrate. You nearly gave the game away in the other room. They think that there are only four dolls. Now if everyone chooses the wrong chair with those dolls, we're going to need the extra ones to find the right chair.
DODO: Is that fair? They seem quite nice and friendly.
STEVEN: Can't you understand? We've got to win every game, otherwise we'll never see the Tardis again. This isn't a children's party.
DODO: Well, I'm sure if you explained that then the King and Queen would help us.
STEVEN: Oh, Dodo, they belong to the Toymaker, remember that. He wants to keep us here. At any rate, the Doctor.
DODO: Why?
STEVEN: I don't know, and it doesn't matter. But we've got to find the Tardis before the Doctor finishes the game he's playing. Right. Throw your doll into a chair.
DODO: Throw it?
STEVEN: Yes. Six of these chairs are deadly, remember that. I don't want to see either of us caught out by one of those. Now throw it.
DODO: Very well.
(As the doll makes contact with chair number three, there's a blinding flash.)
DODO: What happened?
STEVEN: It was some sort of electrocution! That could've been us.
DODO: Yes. I see what you mean about this not being a children's party.
CYRIL: A party? Is it tea time, already? Mmmm, I smell crumpets toasting. What's that?
DODO: Oh, don't be scared of us.
(Seeing the burnt doll, the awakened Cyril takes flight down the passageway.)
STEVEN: All right, stand by. I'm going to try chair number one.
(STEVEN throws his doll onto the chair. As it hits, a fearsome blade shoots across the back of the chair, cutting the toy in two. Part of it topples to one side and falls to the floor.)
DODO: It's horrible! The Toymaker must be mad! Do you really think he means to kill us?
STEVEN: What do you think?
DODO: Well, what do we do now?
STEVEN: Well, we've got to get the other dolls. We've got to get out of this place.
DODO: We can't go in there!
STEVEN: Why?
DODO: Or they'll know about the three extra dolls then.
[Second Chair room]
(The King's doll is being shaken to pieces.)
QUEEN: Henry, turn the thing off.
KING: I don't think I can get near enough, my dear.
CYRIL: I wish you'd stop this silly game!
KING: Father's a very nice chair here for you, my boy.
CYRIL: Mother! Did you hear what he said?
QUEEN: Henry!
KING: Well, just a harmless little joke, my dear. Yes, well, I suppose we'd better try the doll in it, don't you think? Now then, upsa dazy. We shall try the doll in this chair now.
(He throws the remaining doll onto the chair number four. Both it and the chair slowly fade away.)
KING: Oh dear! It's, it's disappeared!
QUEEN: I can see that! Well, that leaves us with chairs number five and six. What do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, I suppose we'd better see how that young couple are getting on in their room.
QUEEN: Well, they can't have succeeded. We'd have had a visit from the Toymaker if they had.
KING: Ah, yes, yes. Oh, we need two more dolls. Ah, yes, a pity. I know, the Fool!
QUEEN: Oh really, Henry. How you can think of entertainment at a time like this? Oh yes, of course. I see. The Fool!
KING: Precisely, my dear.
(The King offers his arm to the Queen, and they leave the room. Left alone, Cyril glances fearfully at the chairs before scuttling after the other cards.)
CYRIL: Mother! Mother!
[First Chair room]
DODO: Be careful.
STEVEN: No, it's no use. I can't tell a thing just by looking at it. We'll have to get those other dolls.
DODO: The King and Queen are coming.
STEVEN: Good, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try to distract them. You step into the other room and test the chairs. If they're both deadly, then this must be the right one.
KING: Ahh! Still one chair left to try, I see.
QUEEN: Why don't you try it, girl?
DODO: Why don't you?
STEVEN: Haven't you had any luck either? And no more dolls. Well it looks like stalemate, doesn't it?
KING: Ah! Not quite, my boy. Oh no, I still have one card to play, if you'll excuse the expression.
(He nudges the Joker awake with his foot.)
JOKER: Oh, what goes up the chimney down, and can't come down the chimney up?
KING: Down the chimney. Oh no, no, no, my dear fellow, no, no not work. We want your advice, don't we my dear?
QUEEN: Advice? From a Fool?
KING: We still have to pick a throne, my dear. Ah, now then, my dear fellow, for instance, what do you think of this chair?
STEVEN: No, you don't. Not this one.
DODO: Steven, the cupboard with the other three dolls. It's locked. I can't open it.
STEVEN: But you must. It was open before.
QUEEN: Three more dolls?
KING: And you kept them from us?
QUEEN: Cheats!
KING: Oh, dear, dear.
STEVEN: Oh, you can talk after what you were about to do to this poor fellow.
JOKER: Poor fellow? What's that?
KING: Oh, nothing, my dear chap. Now, er, come with us. We can't leave you in such company.
QUEEN: Certainly not.
KING: Come on, my dear fellow.
QUEEN: Come, Cyril!
(The four playing cards proceed to the second chair room.)
STEVEN: Now you've done it. You've handed them the game right on a platter. If this isn't the real chair, we've lost the game.
DODO: I don't see that.
STEVEN: Look, they've got two more chairs to test. They get the Joker to sit on one. If this isn't the right chair, then the other one must be.
(Steven turns away in disgust. Dodo looks at him sadly, then moves over to chair number two and starts to sit down.)
[Toymaker's office]
TOYMAKER: You've been moving along very satisfactorily. It's especially commendable considering that young Dodo has chosen to sit in the wrong chair. The freezing chair.
[First Chair room]
STEVEN: Dodo, you fool!
DODO: Steven, I feel cold all the way through.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: Help me. I'm freezing. I can't move.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: I can't!
STEVEN: Look, try. You must. You must try.
DODO: I think I'm turning to ice, Steven.
STEVEN: Fight the cold. Fight it, Dodo. You've got to get out of that chair. Now fight it!
DODO: It's no use.
STEVEN: Look, you must try. We've got to concentrate together.
DODO: We can't.
STEVEN: We must. Now!
(She grasps his outstretched hand, and he too begins to freeze. Yet with great effort he manages to pull Dodo away.)
DODO: Oh, thank you. You did it.
STEVEN: Oh, we did it together.
DODO: Oh no, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't move.
STEVEN: Thank goodness you're safe. The Doctor would never have forgiven me if anything had happened to you.
DODO: But, Steven, we've lost.
[Second Chair room]
KING: Well, there's a much better choice in here. Now give us your honest opinion. Which is the better chair?
JOKER: Well, sire, I think, er, perhaps that one.
KING: Number six? Good, good. Well, it is not possible really to test a chair by just looking at it.
DODO: Oh, very well.
KING: Oh, are you going, m'dear?
STEVEN: We'll see you later.
QUEEN: I thought we were all supposed to play this game together?
STEVEN: Well as there are seven chairs, I thought that Dodo and I might try our luck in the other room. That way we'll all have an equal chance.
KING: Ah, yes, yes, yes, certainly my boy, yes, anything you like. Yes, well, good luck.
STEVEN: Come on, Dodo.
DODO: All right, I'm just coming. They're so big.
(Armed with a doll each, Steven and Dodo take their leave.)
KING: Charming couple, aren't they?
QUEEN: It isn't very charming to be told you're not real. We were not amused. Well, which chair do you suggest?
KING: Yes, well, none of them look like the throne, do they m'dear?
QUEEN: Well, then you must pick one at random.
KING: Ah, yes of course, random, yes, yes. Ah, now.
(The King closes his eyes and is about to sit in chair seven.)
KING; Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a nigger by the toe. Ah!
QUEEN: No, Henry! Put the doll in it.
KING: Oh, the doll, yes, quite right, yes, my dear, of course, the doll. Ah, here we are then. Now then, we'll take the doll and then. Oof. I say, it's rather heavy, my dear. Nearly as heavy as I am, I've no doubt that this will be perfectly good test for the
(A metal clamp secures the doll and it begins to vibrate furiously.)
QUEEN: Henry!
[First Chair room]
(The Joker and Cyril are asleep in the first room.)
STEVEN: Oh, no. Not more playing cards.
DODO: They look rather sweet, don't they? A Jack and a Joker.
STEVEN: Leave them alone and concentrate. You nearly gave the game away in the other room. They think that there are only four dolls. Now if everyone chooses the wrong chair with those dolls, we're going to need the extra ones to find the right chair.
DODO: Is that fair? They seem quite nice and friendly.
STEVEN: Can't you understand? We've got to win every game, otherwise we'll never see the Tardis again. This isn't a children's party.
DODO: Well, I'm sure if you explained that then the King and Queen would help us.
STEVEN: Oh, Dodo, they belong to the Toymaker, remember that. He wants to keep us here. At any rate, the Doctor.
DODO: Why?
STEVEN: I don't know, and it doesn't matter. But we've got to find the Tardis before the Doctor finishes the game he's playing. Right. Throw your doll into a chair.
DODO: Throw it?
STEVEN: Yes. Six of these chairs are deadly, remember that. I don't want to see either of us caught out by one of those. Now throw it.
DODO: Very well.
(As the doll makes contact with chair number three, there's a blinding flash.)
DODO: What happened?
STEVEN: It was some sort of electrocution! That could've been us.
DODO: Yes. I see what you mean about this not being a children's party.
CYRIL: A party? Is it tea time, already? Mmmm, I smell crumpets toasting. What's that?
DODO: Oh, don't be scared of us.
(Seeing the burnt doll, the awakened Cyril takes flight down the passageway.)
STEVEN: All right, stand by. I'm going to try chair number one.
(STEVEN throws his doll onto the chair. As it hits, a fearsome blade shoots across the back of the chair, cutting the toy in two. Part of it topples to one side and falls to the floor.)
DODO: It's horrible! The Toymaker must be mad! Do you really think he means to kill us?
STEVEN: What do you think?
DODO: Well, what do we do now?
STEVEN: Well, we've got to get the other dolls. We've got to get out of this place.
DODO: We can't go in there!
STEVEN: Why?
DODO: Or they'll know about the three extra dolls then.
[Second Chair room]
(The King's doll is being shaken to pieces.)
QUEEN: Henry, turn the thing off.
KING: I don't think I can get near enough, my dear.
CYRIL: I wish you'd stop this silly game!
KING: Father's a very nice chair here for you, my boy.
CYRIL: Mother! Did you hear what he said?
QUEEN: Henry!
KING: Well, just a harmless little joke, my dear. Yes, well, I suppose we'd better try the doll in it, don't you think? Now then, upsa dazy. We shall try the doll in this chair now.
(He throws the remaining doll onto the chair number four. Both it and the chair slowly fade away.)
KING: Oh dear! It's, it's disappeared!
QUEEN: I can see that! Well, that leaves us with chairs number five and six. What do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, I suppose we'd better see how that young couple are getting on in their room.
QUEEN: Well, they can't have succeeded. We'd have had a visit from the Toymaker if they had.
KING: Ah, yes, yes. Oh, we need two more dolls. Ah, yes, a pity. I know, the Fool!
QUEEN: Oh really, Henry. How you can think of entertainment at a time like this? Oh yes, of course. I see. The Fool!
KING: Precisely, my dear.
(The King offers his arm to the Queen, and they leave the room. Left alone, Cyril glances fearfully at the chairs before scuttling after the other cards.)
CYRIL: Mother! Mother!
[First Chair room]
DODO: Be careful.
STEVEN: No, it's no use. I can't tell a thing just by looking at it. We'll have to get those other dolls.
DODO: The King and Queen are coming.
STEVEN: Good, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try to distract them. You step into the other room and test the chairs. If they're both deadly, then this must be the right one.
KING: Ahh! Still one chair left to try, I see.
QUEEN: Why don't you try it, girl?
DODO: Why don't you?
STEVEN: Haven't you had any luck either? And no more dolls. Well it looks like stalemate, doesn't it?
KING: Ah! Not quite, my boy. Oh no, I still have one card to play, if you'll excuse the expression.
(He nudges the Joker awake with his foot.)
JOKER: Oh, what goes up the chimney down, and can't come down the chimney up?
KING: Down the chimney. Oh no, no, no, my dear fellow, no, no not work. We want your advice, don't we my dear?
QUEEN: Advice? From a Fool?
KING: We still have to pick a throne, my dear. Ah, now then, my dear fellow, for instance, what do you think of this chair?
STEVEN: No, you don't. Not this one.
DODO: Steven, the cupboard with the other three dolls. It's locked. I can't open it.
STEVEN: But you must. It was open before.
QUEEN: Three more dolls?
KING: And you kept them from us?
QUEEN: Cheats!
KING: Oh, dear, dear.
STEVEN: Oh, you can talk after what you were about to do to this poor fellow.
JOKER: Poor fellow? What's that?
KING: Oh, nothing, my dear chap. Now, er, come with us. We can't leave you in such company.
QUEEN: Certainly not.
KING: Come on, my dear fellow.
QUEEN: Come, Cyril!
(The four playing cards proceed to the second chair room.)
STEVEN: Now you've done it. You've handed them the game right on a platter. If this isn't the real chair, we've lost the game.
DODO: I don't see that.
STEVEN: Look, they've got two more chairs to test. They get the Joker to sit on one. If this isn't the right chair, then the other one must be.
(Steven turns away in disgust. Dodo looks at him sadly, then moves over to chair number two and starts to sit down.)
[Toymaker's office]
TOYMAKER: You've been moving along very satisfactorily. It's especially commendable considering that young Dodo has chosen to sit in the wrong chair. The freezing chair.
[First Chair room]
STEVEN: Dodo, you fool!
DODO: Steven, I feel cold all the way through.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: Help me. I'm freezing. I can't move.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: I can't!
STEVEN: Look, try. You must. You must try.
DODO: I think I'm turning to ice, Steven.
STEVEN: Fight the cold. Fight it, Dodo. You've got to get out of that chair. Now fight it!
DODO: It's no use.
STEVEN: Look, you must try. We've got to concentrate together.
DODO: We can't.
STEVEN: We must. Now!
(She grasps his outstretched hand, and he too begins to freeze. Yet with great effort he manages to pull Dodo away.)
DODO: Oh, thank you. You did it.
STEVEN: Oh, we did it together.
DODO: Oh no, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't move.
STEVEN: Thank goodness you're safe. The Doctor would never have forgiven me if anything had happened to you.
DODO: But, Steven, we've lost.
[Second Chair room]
KING: Well, there's a much better choice in here. Now give us your honest opinion. Which is the better chair?
JOKER: Well, sire, I think, er, perhaps that one.
KING: Number six? Good, good. Well, it is not possible really to test a chair by just looking at it.
QUEEN:
Well, come on, Fool. We haven't got all day.
JOKER:
Oh, poor fellow. Poor fellow.
(The Joker stops and turns to look at the giggling Knave.)
JOKER:
What's he laughing at?
QUEEN:
He wasn't laughing, were you?
JOKER:
And they call me a fool.
KING:
Well, look, sit down, my dear fellow.
JOKER:
Oh, not on your life, sire. A joke's a joke. I'm giving notice. You can try out your chairs for yourself.
(The Joker leaves hurriedly. The King moves threateningly towards Cyril, who takes flight after the Joker.)
KING: Huh, Your son, I think, my dear.
QUEEN: Well, what do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, there's nothing else for it. You'll have to try out the chair.
QUEEN: I?
KING: Well, one of us will have to. I know, we'll draw matches.
QUEEN: No, I don't trust your matches. We will toss for it. Heads! Ah!
KING: You forget, my dear. I know that coin. It's got two heads.
QUEEN: Then.
KING:
We will both sit in it.
QUEEN:
QUEEN:
And if we go, we go together.
KING:
KING:
My love.
(Hand in hand, they walk across to chair number six and sit down.)
(Hand in hand, they walk across to chair number six and sit down.)
KING:
Nothing happened.
QUEEN:
It's all right.
KING:
We worried for nothing.
Suddenly the chair collapses inwards. Steven and Dodo return to find the Hearts imprisoned.
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