Fine.

It Has Often Been Said That All Comedy is Rooted in Fear –

–  The Things That Make Us Laugh are VERY Closely to The Things Frighten Us

Godmother :

Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage, could you take it to the kitchen, please? 

Claire :

No! Don't follow me, Jake.

Oh, and this is over.

You're leaving me.

Martin The Hobgoblin :

No, no, no.

Claire :

Yes! 

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Are you drunk? 

Claire :

Yes.

Are you sober? 

Martin The Hobgoblin :

A bit.

Could you just fuck off? 

Fleabag :

Oh, absolutely not! 

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Okay, no, no.

Fleabag :

I'm staying right here.

Claire :

[EXHALES.]

I want you to leave me.

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Listen to me, I just, I have I think 

Fleabag’s Emotional Support Inner-Monologue:

( he has a little speech.  )

Martin The Hobgoblin :

I have a little speech that's building here.

Now, I know you look at me and you see a bad man with a big beard.

Claire :

You are an alcoholic and you tried it on with my sister.

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Fine.

I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday.

Claire :

My birthday! 

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Fine! 

I mix up birthdays and I have an alcohol problem, just like everyone else in this fucking country.

But I am here and I do things.

I pick up Jake up from shit, 

I make dessert for Easter, 

I organise the downstairs toilet, 

I fired the humming cleaner.

Claire :

You enjoyed that.

Martin The Hobgoblin :

I hoover the car.

I put up all your certificates 

and 

I don't make you feel guilty for not having sex with me.

I am not a bad guy! 

I just have a bad personality, it's not my fault.

Some people are born with fucked personalities.

Look at Jake.

He is so creepy, it's not his fault! 

Why the bassoon!? 

You want to know what the bassoon is!? 

It's a cry for help! 

The main fucking problem here is that you don't like me.

And that has been breaking my fucking heart for 11 years.

I love you.

I make you laugh.

I'm a douche, but I make you laugh.

You said that that was the most important thing! 

I think the thing that you hate the most about yourself is that you actually love me.

So, I am not going to leave you, until you are down on your knees begging me.

Claire :

Please, leave me.

Martin The Hobgoblin :

Oh, man.

I didn't think you'd do that in that dress.

Right.

Well I guess the only thing left for me to say is — 

Fuck You.

Fleabag :

Fuck You.

“Asking someone to mentor you, as I have said, is a simultaneous acknowledgement of vulnerability and admiration, and even in the most secular and occidental context bears a trace of Yogananda’s euphoric sincerity.

No one wants to be rejected by someone they admire and who knows they’re vulnerable. 

But after my holiday my old method of redemption through love was still giving me a good battering. 

If you’d asked me at the time what the problem was, I would have instantly blamed the woman I was going out with. 

Now I know the problem was my unreasonable, unconscious requirements.

I asked Jimmy for help, he agreed to help me. 

I told him about the melee that was my relationship and he was always able to ‘hold it’. 

Meaning that my problems never fazed him – the last thing you need when opening up your heart is for the person you’ve appointed to blanch or gag. 

He pointedly never offers unsolicited advice, instead meeting my enquiries with his own experience. 

There is a great power in this.”

Excerpt From

Mentors

by Russell Brand.

Switch :

How are you? 

LEGION:

Good. I'm good.

How are you? 

Switch :

You know.

Fine.

• LONG PAUSE•

My Dad collects Robots.

Robotto.

There's a room in our apartment.

Some are life-sized.

Some toys.

Hundreds.

Sometimes at night, I go in there.

I stand very still, and pretend I'm a Robot, too.