I Have Been BADLY Betrayed....

dickless (n.)

   A State of Being or Manner of Life characterised by a ready willingness to throw some other poor bastard (albeit possibly guilty, you just don't know) completely Under The proverbial Bus, in favour of sparing your own worthless hide.

c.f. "Don't Do it to Me, Do it to Julia! To JULIA!!"

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh- let me enlighten you —

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin ‘dilatare’, which means 'open wide'.

The Dick, Vincent.

The Penis, The Slongker, The Cock, The Old Fella.... 

Has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you ...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

Boss Falcone :

Yeah, Dr. Crane, l can't take it anymore.

lt's all too much.

The walls are closing in.

Blah, blah, blah.

A couple of days of this food, it'll be true.

Dr. Crane :

What do you want?

Boss Falcone :

l wanna know how you're gonna convince me to keep my mouth shut.

Dr. Crane :

About what?

You don't know anything.

Boss Falcone :

l know you don't want the cops to take a closer look at the drugs they seized.

And l know about your experiments

with the inmates of your nut house.

See, l don't go into business with a guy without finding out his dirty secrets.

And those goons you used.

l own the muscle in this town.

Now, l've been bringing your stuff in for months, so whatever he's planning, it's big, and l want in.

Dr. Crane :

Well, l already know what he'll say.

That we should kill you.

Boss Falcone :

Even he can't get me in here.

Not in my town.

Vinnie :

Ay up, Si.

Do you want it after all? 

Vin, where did you get them antiques? 

You know the rules.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Si, listen, you know — 

Fuck The Rules.

I'm in deep shit here.

You just tell me where you nicked them antiques from.

I didn't nick —

Well, I did.

I nicked a car, and the antiques, they were in the boot.

What's going on? 

Just get down here.

Why? 

Just get down here now.

Don't tell anyone you're coming.

All right.

Si, what's going - Si? 

Black Skinhead Oi! 

Get up, you little fucker.

Get up! 

History lesson for you, Vinnie.

I know you're not well-educated, so, uh- let me enlighten you.

The term "dildo" was first coined in around 1400 AD.

It originates from the Latin ‘dilatare’, which means 'open wide'.

The Dick, Vincent.

The Penis, The Slongker, The Cock, The Old Fella.... has been revered and replicated since the start of humanity.

And now, you ...

and you...

are about to lose yours.

No.

Please.

It was in —

Shut it.

Where's my antique dildo? 

On a farm.

Which farm? 

Jim's farm.

I can get it back, though.

Who stole 'em? 

I don't know.

Who was driving the car you nicked? 

I don't know Oh, fuck! A young guy.

Fuck, I didn't really see him.

He might have had brown hair.

Told you, didn't I? In the hospital, do you remember? 

I said, "If our paths cross again." 

I know, but all this —

I didn't know it had your things in it, and I'll get 'em back! 

I'll fuck I'll get you whatever you want! 

Cut his dick off.

No, no, no! Give me an hour! 

Give me one hour! 

I know where it is.

This is just a mistake, this.

All right, you, trousers off.

What?! 

I could find out the owner of that car.

I fucking can I'll find out I'll get it back.

My friend's a mechanic.

Fucking trousers off! 

My friend's a mechanic —

Boxers.

Fuck 

Boxers.

Mr McCann No! Wait, wait! 

Just - Just  - Don't — 

All right, now, say bye-bye to it.

Why? Why? 

Say bye-bye.

Fuck - This is fucking madness, man.

Say it! 

Bye, bye, byebye.

Properly.

You can't do this.

Don't - Please don't cut my dick off in a pawn shop, man.

Don't - Don't - Fuck.

Vin! You will always remember the moment before you become dickless.

It's The End of One Life and The Start of Another.

Pre and post-dick.

I have been •BADLY• betrayed, and the only people with knowledge of my antiques are people that know my house, people who come and go, people with regular access.

I want to fucking know.

I •have• to fucking know.

I can find out.

I fucking can.

I can find out.

OK - You find out who took that dildo, you keep your dick.

You don't, it comes off.

Do we understand ourselves? 

Yeah.

Do we fucking understand each other?! 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

SLATER :

You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece! 

Unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave.

DEL BOY :

Oh, leave it out Slater.

You know I can't do that.

It's against my principles! 

My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark! 

SLATER :

Well, you're gonna have a lot of time to think about your principles! 

I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy! 

I'll get the charge sheets typed up.

DEL BOY :

Now, just a minute - Roy.

Let's not be hasty! 

I think we can make a deal.

SLATER :

I don't like deals! 

DEL BOY :

You're gonna like this one! 

If I give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven, 

you let Rodney and Grandad go - no charges.

SLATER :

Yeah, alright.

I'll let them go.

And you'll also drop all charges against me! 

SLATER :

Oh come on Del, I'm looking forward to that! 

You don't seem to understand what I'm saying Slater! 

Once I give you the name, I'll be one of your grasses.

SLATER :

Oh Del, Del Boy, that is beautiful! 

You would be one of my Merry Men! 

I'd have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance whenever I felt bored! 

And if you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known on the streets that you're an informer! 

DEL BOY :

Yeah! I know! 

SLATER :

The deal's on my old hoppo.

I'll drop the charges against you, you have My Word.

DEL BOY :

Your Word! 

Your Word means about as much as the guarantee on that hooky microwave! 

No, I want immunity from prosecution.

And I want it in writing and I want it signed, sealed and delivered.

SLATER :

I'll get it arranged right away Derek.

Oh, we're gonna have a good future together you and me, I can feel it.

What's up Del? Cursing the day you crossed me? 

DEL BOY :

No, I'm cursing the day I made them stop at your belly button! 

Why's he keeping Del Boy in there? 

That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last 'alf hour! 

And for the 38th time Grandad, I'm telling you, I don't know.

I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving, he'd get a fifty pound fine, and then it would all be forgot about! 

That's what I thought! 

So did I! So why's he keeping him in there? 

Gawd bless my old brown I don't bloody know Grandad.

Well, Rodney —

PC HOSKINS :

Look I thought I told you two you were free to go! 

Oh, we thought we'd hang on for a while.

Yeah, it's good here, innit?

SLATER :

Still here?

We're waiting for Del.

GRANDAD TROTTER :

Will he be long son? 

SLATER :

Only as long as it takes him to tell me who nicked the microwave.

Better get our heads down till the morning then! 

Oh, no, Del's seen the light.

He's decided to cooperate.

No, you're pulling our legs! 

SLATER :

D'you reckon? 

Why don't you come in and see for yourself.

Come on.

Alright Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now.

PC Hoskins :

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

SLATER :

There you are, Del Boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the Superintendent himself.

What are you playing at, Del??!! 

DEL BOY :

What're they doing 'ere? 

SLATER :

Oh I thought it'd be interesting for them to see you in your real light.

The Great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing.

DEL BOY :

I've gotta tell him Rodney.

He's got me all ends up — I've got no choice.

But you don't know his name Del.

He was just a bloke in the market! 

DEL BOY :

Oh leave it out, Grandad.

If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions he'd have his men searching for a someone who's a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! 

SLATER :

With a deaf-aid! 

DEL BOY :

With a deaf aid! 

Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for myself.

He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird.

But, but that's against the law! 

SLATER :

Well phone the Police! 

Don't tell him Del.

DEL BOY :

Look, I've got to Rodney.

Otherwise it'll mean you and me will go down the road and Grandad's gonna be left alone on the estate, see? 

I've got no choice, I've got no choice! 

Alright Mr. Slater let's get down to business.

SLATER :

Oh Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears.

I will cherish this moment! 

Righto Del, who nicked it? 

DEL BOY :

They are free to go ain't they? 

SLATER :

Yeah, they're free to go - no charges, they can leave whenever they like.

OK, give me his name.

DEL BOY :

You've got nothing on me either? 

SLATER :

No! You've got an immunity from prosecution.

You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen.

DEL BOY :

Long as I know.

SLATER :

Right, for the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? 

[ Del signs the document guaranteeing his immunity from prosecution. ]

DEL BOY :

I did!