Advice

Be careful whose advice you buy, 
but be patient with those who supply it

                                

Advice is a form of nostalgia

dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, 
wiping it off

painting over the ugly parts  
and recycling it for more than it's worth

Eddie Murphey
Raw (1983)

Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?

Yeah!

I do too.

I love Bill Cosby's show.

I been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life.

Never met the man before, 
but he called me up about a year ago 
and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on-stage.

It was real weird, because I had never met him

and he just thought it was... 
He should call me up, 
because he was Bill, 
and tell me that he did...

About what comedy is all about.

And I sat and listened

to this man chastise me.

And when Bill Cosby chastises you,

you forget you grown.

You feel like one of

the Cosby kids and shit.

And I ran in the house

all excited to talk to Bill

and picked up the telephone

and Bill got raw on me.

I was like, 
"Hello, Mr. Cosby?"

And you hear:

"I would like to talk to you...

...about some of the things

that you do in your show.

"Now, I'm going to tell you a story."

He always tells you stories.

"I would like to tell you a story.

I have five children.

"One, two, three, four, five.

Five... Five children.

"I live in Massachusetts with my wife,

Camille, and my five children.

"Now, of the five children that we have,

there are four girls and a boy.

"The boy's name is Ennis.

He loves everything you do.

"Comes home from school the other day

with a big smile on his face.

And my son looks just like me.

"He walks through the door,

looking at me with this big smile,

"and I cannot resist, because

it's such a beautiful smile.

"And he walks up and I say,

'What are you smiling about? '

"And the child says to me:

'I'm smiling because I need money

to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

'Please give me money for a ticket.'

"Now, if the child is smiling this way

because he needs money for a ticket,

"I have to give him money

for a ticket.

"I do not handle the money

in the house.

"My wife, Camille,

handles the ticket money.

"So I must go into the kitchen,

"to where my wife is cooking dinner

for the family.

"And she is inside

the kitchen cooking.

"And she's got a bowl.

"And she's cooking up the food, man.

She's cooking it up.

"And the child walks in the room

with the smile

"and he says,

'Mother, please, money.'

"She gives him the money,

he runs off to see your show.

"Now, we sit in the living room

waiting for Ennis to return.

"At about : in the morning,

the child comes through the door.

"He has a different look on his face.

"A look like he heard something at your

show that he's never heard before.

"And I say to my child,

I say, 'Child... '

"I say, 'What did the man say

on the stage? '

"And he says, 'Pop, the man

comes out and says these things.'

"I say, 'Well, what did he say? '

'Pop, he comes out

and says some stuff.'

"I say, 'What did he do? '

'Pop, he walks out and he goes:

"Hello, suck this, and MF

and kiss my big black stuff.

"And suck it and stick it down

in your mouth and suck it, suck it."'

"You cannot say filth, flarn, filth,

flarn, filth in front of people."

And I say, "I never said

no 'filth, flarn, filth'."

"You know what I'm talking about.

"I can't use the type of language

that you use,

"but you know what I mean when

I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'."

I say, "I never said 'filth, flarn, filth'.

"I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm offended you called. Fuck you."

That's when Bill got pissed and said:

"That's what I'm talking about.

You cannot say 'fuck'...

"...in front of people."

And I got mad.

Because he thought

that was my whole act.

Like I just walked out on-stage

and cursed and left.

I manage to stick in some

jokes between the curses.

You couldn't give no curse show.

Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,

"motherfucker, dick, pussy,

snot and shit. Good night.

"Good night. Suck my dick.

Bye-bye."

I was pissed off. I was so mad

I called Richard Pryor's house up.

I said, "Yo, Richard,

Bill Cosby just called me up

"and told me I was too dirty."

Richard said:

"The next time motherfucker call,

tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.'

"I don't give a fuck.

"Whatever the fuck make

the people laugh, say that shit."

He said, 

"Do people laugh when you say what you say?"

I said, "Yes."

"Do you get paid?" 
I said, "Yes."

He said, 
"Well, tell Bill I said:

'Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.'

"The Jell-O pudding-eating

motherfucker."

(But Trust Me on The Sunscreen)