Slighted Disarray

Ted :

Good morning, Sassy Smurf.

Sassy :

Good morning, Marlboro Man.

You know, you snored all night.

Ted :

I'm sorry about that.

Sassy :

That's alright. It's actually 

very soothing —

Sounded like The Sea.

Ted :

Well, I'm glad you didn't

hear any boat horns, given 

all the fried yams 

I ate last night.

Hey, I was thinking. We have

a good time together, yeah?

Sassy :

They're called simultaneous

orgasms, Ted, yes.

Ted :

Yeah, well, but I mean also 

all the talking and laughing

and all that stuff. Yeah?

Sassy :

Sure. Well, apart from

all your dreadful puns.

Ted :

Right. Well, it's tough.

Sometimes I just see 'em there, and I

gotta take a swing at 'em, you know?

No, I... Well, what I'm getting at is...

Well, I was just thinking maybe we could 

go on an actual date sometime.

You know? You and me, together.

Sassy :

God, no.

Ted :

Well, I appreciate you taking

the time to consider it.

Sassy :

Ted, we can't date.

Ted :

Why not?

Sassy :

You're a mess.

Ted :

I'm a mess?

Sassy :

Course you are.

I'm a mess too, but I'm a mess

three years further on than you,

so I'm more of a - slight disarray.

Ted :

More like a slight disarray

of sunshine, if you ask me.

Sassy :

Oh, God.

Ted :

- Sorry.

Sassy :

Ted, on the day my ex got remarried,

I drank a bottle of red wine 

through a straw and told my 

Uber driver I was 

in love with him.

Then, when he dropped me home, 

I puked so much, my mouth 

was like an elevator from 

The goddamn Shining.

….Knocked my rating 

down to a 3.9.

Ted :

3.9?

Sassy :

Fuck you. Why? 

What's yours?

…..Oh, God, you're a

5.0, aren't you?

Course you're a 5.0. How 

the fuck are you a 5.0?

Ted :

I don't know. I'm tidy. 

I say "Please" and 

"Thank you." — 

Sometimes I offer to 

drive if they look tired.

Sassy :

You are such a mess.

Ted, I like our status.

Friends with benefits, like —

Natalie Portman and 

Ashton Kutcher.

Ted :

No. I think you're thinking of 2011's other

good-friends-turned-casual-lovers based 

Rom-com : No Strings Attached.

Friends with Benefits 

was Mila Kunis and 

Justin Timberlake.

Sassy :

Wow…. 2011, 

friends be fuckin'.

Ted :

….Yeah.

Sassy :

So, let's keep things

2011. Cool and breezy.

Ted :

Like an Arab Spring.

Sassy :

And good luck against

West Ham this weekend.

Fuck Rupert and that shriveled 

raisin-pouch he calls a nutsack.

******

Sassy :

Hello! Here for Flo?

Über Driver :

You can jump in, love.

Sassy :

Lovely, thank you.

This is nice. Gray

seats? Yes, please.