"Only The Good" Alternate Ending
[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]
[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading
towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some
gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole
section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]
[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]
KRYTEN
The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!
[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]
LISTER
How?
RIMMER
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one
Talia whatsername arrived on.
LISTER
We've gotta go back and tell them.
RIMMER
But what about our escape?
LISTER
It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got
a chance to work on an antidote.
RIMMER
You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?
KOCHANSKI
No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
RIMMER
Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.
[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]
[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]
[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber
and looks down at the inmates]
HOLLISTER
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As
you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about
that in the internal mail.
[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]
[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and
Starbug transport craft stream away]
[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]
[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]
[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark
brown, jelly-like microbe]
KRYTEN
Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.
CAT
So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!
KRYTEN
We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive
negativity of the microbe.
LISTER
Something with a corrosive *positivity*?
CAT
So where do we get that?
HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]
There's nothing in Yellow Pages.
KOCHANSKI
A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to
this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.
[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]
[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre
of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light
streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The
light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing
concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on
the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]
KRYTEN
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror
universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't
know until we get there.
[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his
right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]
[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]
[RIMMER present]
[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up
the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and
that its contents have turned white]
[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam
of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,
finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]
[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]
[RIMMER present]
[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.
He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]
[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]
[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]
[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke
spiralling upwards]
KRYTEN
It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!
CAT
At last, things are looking up!
LISTER
How long's it going to take to fix that thing?
KRYTEN
Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]
[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is
showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying
a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls
melodramatically.
There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives
to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER
finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]
[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]
[CREWMEMBER present]
[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]
[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]
[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and
RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]
[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]
[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles
sycophantically]
M.HOLLISTER
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?
Here's your hot lemon, sir.
[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the
insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]
RIMMER
Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.
RIMMER
Of course, laddie.
[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]
RIMMER
A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?
[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales
loudly]
M.HOLLISTER
Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...
RIMMER
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
M.HOLLISTER
Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?
RIMMER
No, I don't think you could.
[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly]
RIMMER
Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...
[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a
thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he
glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]
RIMMER
My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...
[Enter MIRROR TALIA]
M.TALIA
They said it was okay to drop by...
You look wonderful...
RIMMER
So do you...
[To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.
M.HOLLISTER
Yes, sir.
M.TALIA
You made Captain -
[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]
M.TALIA
You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.
RIMMER
So have I!
M.TALIA
Let me kiss you.
[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to
his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm
away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases
her]
M.TALIA
What are you doing!?
RIMMER
I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!
M.TALIA
But I'm your sister!
[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]
RIMMER
Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...
M.TALIA
You French-kissed me!
RIMMER
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...
I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?
[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets
out an abrupt groan and sits up again]
RIMMER
Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!
Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down
here and give'us a big hug!
[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully
and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]
M.TALIA
Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual
advisor!
[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]
[Exit M.TALIA]
RIMMER
Sis! Sister... whoever you are!
Oh, smeg!
[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]
[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]
[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror
universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin
blouse]
[Enter RIMMER]
RIMMER
Excuse me?
M.KOCHANSKI
Yes?
[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]
RIMMER
I wonder, could you tell me what this is?
[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]
M.KOCHANSKI
You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey
brain-box type stuff.
[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]
[Enter MIRROR CAT]
[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his
hair in a short afro cut]
M.CAT
Somebody call?
RIMMER
Professor!?
M.CAT
Yes, Captain?
RIMMER
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]
M.CAT
Hmm.
[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more
and frowns at the contents]
M.CAT
Hmmm, its an alkali.
RIMMER
Oh yes? What's it called?
M.CAT
Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.
You look surprised.
RIMMER
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?
M.CAT
Certainly.
[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?
[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]
[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam
through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's
leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have
left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light
from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]
RIMMER
The antidote; I did it!
[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red
warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.
[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from
ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship
trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all
around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in
panic]
RIMMER
Wha - Where is everyone?
DISPENSER
They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're
the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes
you Captain - congratulations, Cap.
RIMMER
Smeg off!
[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]
[Enter RIMMER]
[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is
off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t
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