A Theory

You're not an asshole, Mark. You're just 

trying so hard to be.

On a fall night in 2003, Harvard undergrad and computer programming genius Mark Zuckerberg sits down at his computer and heatedly begins working on a new idea. In a fury of blogging and programming, what begins in his dorm room soon becomes a global social network and a revolution in communication. A mere six years and 500 million friends later, Mark Zuckerberg is the youngest billionaire in history... but for this entrepreneur, success leads to both personal and legal complications. 

Mark :

Did you know there are more people 

with genius I.Q.s living in China 

than there are people of any kind 

living in the United States?

The Girl :

That can't possibly be True.

Mark :

It is. 

The Girl :

What would account for that? 

Mark :

Well, first, an awful lot of people live 

in China, but here's my question :

How do you distinguish 

yourself in a population 

of people who all got 

1600 on their SATs?

The Girl :

I didn't know they 

take SATs in China. 

Mark :

They don't. I wasn't talking 

about China any more, I was 

Talking about Me.

The Girl :

Yes. 

Mark :

I could sing in an acappella 

group, but I can't sing. 

The Girl :

Does that mean you actually 

got nothing wrong? 

Mark :

I could row crew or 

invent a $25 PC. 

The Girl :

Or you could get 

into a final club. 

Mark :

Or I get into 

a finals club. 

The Girl :

You know, from 

A Woman's Perspective, 

sometimes not singing in an 

a Cappella group is 

a good thing. 

Mark :

This is serious. 

The Girl :

On the other hand, I do 

like guys who row crew. 

Mark :

Well, I can't do that. 

The Girl :

I was kidding. 

Mark :

And, yes, I got nothing 

wrong on The Test.

The Girl :

Have you ever tried?

Mark :

I'm trying right now. 

To row crew?

The Girl :

To get into a final club. 

Mark :

To row crew? No. Are you, 

like, whatever, delusional? 

The Girl :

Maybe it's just -- sometimes you say two things at once. 

I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to be aiming at. 

Mark :

But you've seen guys 

who row crew, right? 

The Girl :

No. 

Mark :

Okay, well, they're bigger than me. 

They're world-class athletes. 

And a second ago, you said you like 

guys who row crew so I assumed 

you had met one. 

The Girl :

I guess I just meant I like the idea of it. 

You know, the way a girl likes cowboys. 

Mark :

Okay - Should we get something to eat? 

Would you like to talk about something else? 

The Girl :

No. It's just since the beginning of the 

Conversation about finals club, I think 

I may have missed a birthday. There are really 

more people in China with genius IQs 

than the entire population... 

Mark :

The Phoenix is the most diverse. 

The Fly Club... Roosevelt 

punched the Porc. 

The Girl :

Which one? 

Mark :

The Porcellian, the Porc. 

It's the best of the best.

The Girl :

Which Roosevelt?

Mark :

Theodore. 

The Girl :

Is it true that they send a bus around 

to pick up girls who want to party 

with the next Fed chairman? 

Mark :

So you can see why it's 

so important to get in. 

The Girl :

Okay, well, which is the 

easiest to get into?

Mark :

Why would you ask me that?

The Girl :

I was just asking. 

Mark :

None of them. That's the point. 

My friend Eduardo made $300,000 

betting oil futures one summer and 

Eduardo won't come close to getting in. 

The ability to make money doesn't 

impress anybody around here. 

The Girl :

Must be nice. He made 

$300,000 in a summer?

Mark :

He likes meteorology.

The Girl :

You said it was oil futures. 

Mark :

You can read the weather, you can predict 

the price of heating oil. 

The Girl :

I think you asked me that because you think the final club that's easiest to get into is the one where I'll have the best chance. I... 

The Girl :

What? 

Mark :

You asked me which one was 

the easiest to get into 

because you think that 

that's the one where 

I'll have the best chance. 

The Girl :

The one that's the easiest to get into would be 

the one where anybody has the best chance. 

Mark :

You didn't ask me which one was the best one, 

you asked me which one was the easiest one. 

The Girl :

I was honestly just asking, okay? 

I was just asking to ask.

Mark, I'm not speaking in code.

Mark :

Enca. 

The Girl :

You're obsessed with finals clubs. 

You have finals clubs OCD and you 

need to see someone about it 

who will prescribe you some sort of medication. 

You don't care if the side effects 

may include blindness. 

Mark :

Final clubs. Not "finals clubs." And there's a difference 

between being obsessed and being motivated. 

The Girl :

Yes. There is. 

Well, you do. That was cryptic, so 

you do speak in code. 

The Girl :

I didn't mean to be cryptic. 

Mark :

I'm just saying I need to do something substantial 

in order to get the attention of The Clubs. 

The Girl :

Why?

Mark :

Because they're exclusive. And fun, 

and they lead to a better life. 

The Girl :

Teddy Roosevelt didn't 

get elected president 

because he was a member 

of The Phoenix Club. 

Mark :

He was a member 

of The Porcellian, 

and yes, he did. 

The Girl :

Well, why don't you just concentrate on 

being the best you you can be? 

Mark :

Did you really just say that? 

The Girl :

I was kidding. Just because 

something's trite 

doesn't make it less true. 

Mark :

I wanna try to be straightforward with you 

and tell you I think you might want to 

be a little more supportive. 

If I get in, I will be taking you to the events 

and the gatherings, and you'll be meeting 

a lot of people you wouldn't 

normally get to meet. 

The Girl :

(horrified) You would 

do that for me? 

Mark :

We're dating. 

The Girl :

Okay - Well, I wanna 

try and be straightforward 

with you and let you know 

that we're not any more.

Mark :

What do you mean?

The Girl :

We're not dating any more. 

I'm sorry. Is this a joke?

The Girl :

No, it's not. 

Mark :

You're breaking up with me? 

The Girl :

You're gonna introduce me to people 

I wouldn't normally have the chance to meet? 

What the... What is that supposed to mean?

Mark :

Wait, settle down.

The Girl :

What is it supposed to mean? 

Mark :

Erica, the reason we're able to sit here and drink right now 

is 'cause you used to sleep with the door guy. 

The Girl :

"The door guy"? His name is Bobby. 

I have not slept with the door guy. 

The door guy is a friend of mine, 

and he's a perfectly good class of people. 

And what part of Long Island 

are you from, Wimbledon?

Mark :

Wait. Wait, wait. 

The Girl :

I'm going back to my dorm.

Is this real? 

The Girl :

Yes.

 Then wait, I apologise, okay?

I have to go study.

Mark :

Enca?

Yes?

Mark :

I'm sorry, I mean it. 

The Girl :

I appreciate that, but I have to go study. 

Mark :

Come on, you don't have to study. 

Let's just talk. 

I can't. 

Mark :

Why? 

The Girl :

Because it is exhausting. 

Dating you is like 

dating a StairMaster. 

Mark :

All I meant is that you're not likely to... Currently... 

I wasn't making a comment on your appearance. 

I was saying that you go to BU. 

I was stating a fact, that's all, and 

if it seemed rude, then I apologise.

The Girl :

I have to go study.

Mark :

You don't have to study. 

The Girl :

Why do you keep saying 

I don't have to study? 

'Cause you go to BU. Do you 

want to get some food? 

The Girl :

I am sorry you are not sufficiently 

impressed with my education. 

Mark :

And I'm sorry I don't have 

a rowboat, so we're even.

The Girl :

I think we should just be friends.

Mark :

I don't want friends. 

The Girl :

I was just being polite. I have no intention 

of being friends with you. 

Mark :

I'm under some pressure right now from 

my OS class and if we could just order 

some food, I think we should... 

The Girl :

Okay, you are probably going to be 

a very successful computer person. 

But you're gonna go through Life thinking that 

girls don't like you because you're a nerd. 

And I want you to know from the bottom 

of my heart that that won't be true.

 It'll be because You're An Asshole.