Moonlight

Lister :

OK, let's go.

How much charge have we got?

Kryten :

According to the readouts, 

57%, sir. 

Lister :

Excellent.

Kryten :

However, as we don't know how long our journey might take,

to conserve power I suggest we travel on Eco-mode.

Rimmer :

I hope you're paying attention, Lister.

Here is someone with a brain larger than a pea coming up with a rescue strategy that's thought through and intelligent.

Kryten :

I also suggest we turn off

all non-essential electricals.

Rimmer :

You mean me?

Kryten :

Not just you, sir.

There's the air conditioning,

the lights, the seat warmers.

Rimmer :

And where do I come on this list?

Above seat warmers 

but below air-con?

Cat :

Are you outta your mind?

We need those seat warmers.

The Desert gets chilly at night.

Kryten :

Er, sir, could I suggest

you enter Low-Power Mode?

Rimmer :

Low-power mode. 

I hate low-power mode.

My vision's standard-def,

I can only hear in mono,

and when there's electronic interference, 

I wind up looking all snowy.

Kryten :

But it's the only way to preserve

what's left of Starbug's charge, sir.

SIGHS

POWERS DOWN

The Cat :

Wow, look at him. He looks like

an old movie you don't wanna watch.

Rimmer :

OK, no need to say anything.

The Cat :

But this is freaky, bud.

It's like seeing a tortoise

without its shell.

Rimmer :

[CRACKLY]

Er, hello, I'm here.

I can hear all this.

The Cat :

But he's not real, is he? You forget.

Rimmer :

I am real. Of course I'm real!

The Cat :

Yeah, but you're not really Real,

You're Dead.

This really brings it home.

You're creeping me out.

Rimmer :

As the French philosopher

Rene Descartes once said,

"I think, therefore I am."

"Je pense, donc je...

...am."

The Cat :

But you don't think, do ya?

Lister :

Guys, guys, come on.

Rimmer :

Of course I think.

What are you talking about?

The Cat :

No, you don't.

You don't decide what you do.

The Computer in your light bee

does all your thinking for you.

There's no actual You to Think 

or not Think anything.

Kryten :

Oh, sir, please!

Can you stop being so...

..catty?

The Cat :

Grr!

Rimmer :

There's no actual Me to 

Think or not Think anything?

I've never actually thought about that.

I haven't got Free Will, then, have I?

So it's not, "I Think, therefore I am."

It's, "The Computer Thinks,

therefore I Think I am."

I've never actually thought 

about that before.

The Cat :

And you're not thinking about it now.

It's your light bee making you think

you're thinking about it.

Lister :

Cat, man, back the smeg off. OK?

Rimmer :

I don't actually exist, then, do I?

Kryten :

You see what you've done, sir?

You've put Mr Rimmer

in existential crisis mode.

And look! The added anxiety is consuming 

more of our battery!

Lister :

Guys, if we're gonna get through

this, we need to stick together.

The Cat :

What's The Point? We're screwed.

Rimmer :

Well, I'm not. I don't exist.

MEOW! EXPLOSION

What the hell was that?!

The Ferals - they've found us.

MEOW!

MEOW!

Fire everything we have!

MEOW!

From the heat signature, it's one

ship coming in at six o'clock.

Open the sun roof.

Rimmer :

There's no point.

I forgot to bring my surrender flag.

I take it everywhere with me, and on

the one day I think I won't need

it...

We're not surrendering.

Cat, stand on the chair

and start blasting out the 

emergency escape hatch.

The Cat :

Wait, more Trouble

coming in from port side.

Kryten :

I'm getting it too, sir.

It's a sandstorm.

At 4.9 on the Stanley scale.

Three miles high and 60 miles wide.

Not according to this.

It's 6.3 on the Stanley scale

and it's coming on the starboard

side. 

Is it possible we could be looking at two sandstorms, 

both heading towards us from opposite sides?

We're gonna be the filling

in a sandstorm sandwich.

Kryten, likely outcome if we get hit?

Paintwork damage and front panel replacement

required on both sides, sir.

What about cover?

Getting insured at this point

ain't gonna solve anything.

Rimmer :

Cover from the sandstorms,

you brainless cretin.

To answer Your Question,

the nearest cover is 

the debris up ahead, sir.

Can we reach it in time?

I don't believe we can.

MEOW!

We need to go faster.

We're flat-out, full power.

They're catching us!

MEOW!

OK, only one thing for it.

Gotta fly into the sandstorm.

What?

Have you lost your mind?

A couple of miles in, we'll kill

all power. They'll never find us.

They'll never find us because 

we'll be sandstorm soup!

There could be a tornado

of debris parts in there.

Have you got a better idea?

Lister, fly into the sandstorm.

And that's an order.

WHIRRING AND BEEPING

Ohh. Nothing to do now but just

to sit tight and wait for it to blow

over.

Rimmer :

How long's that gonna take?

Lister :

Could be days.

Rimmer :

I'm wondering if I'm doing 

The Right Thing.

Lister :

What d'you mean?

Rimmer :

Hanging on.

Draining Starbug's battery.

Maybe it would be better if I just

pulled my own plug and be done with it.

Lister :

But if you powered down,

you'd be dead.

Rimmer :

I'm already dead.

Why am I here?

What's the point of me?

The only reason I was ever brought

back was because I was

diametrically opposite to you.

I don't fit in. No-one likes me.

People like you. 

Lister :

Of course they like you.

Rimmer :

Name one person on Red Dwarf

who likes me.

Lister :

Oh, come on, I'm not getting

into a naming contest, Rimmer.

But there's...people on board

that... like you.

Name one.

Lister :

Oh, come on.

Name one!

Lister :

OK... Erm, what about Skutter on B

Deck? He likes you.

Rimmer :

The one who's mental?

The one who eats shoes?

Lister :

He still likes you.

Erm.. That dispenser on C Deck,

the one that leaks. That likes you.

Rimmer :

It likes everyone. It's leaky. Who else?

Lister :

Kryten?

Rimmer :

Kryten does not like me.

He thinks I'm a petty-minded,

bureaucratic, power-hungry control

freak.

Lister :

But he still likes you. 

Admires you, even.

He told me he liked and admired you

just the other day.

Rimmer :

Yeah? What did he say?

Lister :

That he liked and admired you -

just the other day.

Rimmer :

Really?

Lister :

Really.

DOOR OPENS

Kryten :

A warm drink, sir.

Don't ask where from.

It'll taste better that way.

Lister :

Not now, Kryten.

We're in the middle of something.

Rimmer :

Lister was saying you like and

admire me, Kryten. Is that true?

Look, he nodded.

Rimmer :

He didn't move.

Lister :

That was a proper nod.

A definite seven-degree vertical

tilt. How could you miss that?

Look, he did it again.

And again.

Rimmer :

Kryten, Do You Like Me?

Well, do you?

CREAKING

CLUNK!

CREAKING

CLUNK!

Lister :

There you go. What did I tell you?

Kryten :

If that'll be all, sirs,

I think I'll go and change heads.

I think I may just have ruined this

one.

Rimmer :

You must think I'm stupid.

Give me one reason why I

shouldn't unplug right now.

BEEPING

Lister :

Whoa! Whoa!

Look, we need you.

I need you.

Rimmer :

Why?

Lister :

To bounce off, you know, 

ideas and stuff.

Rimmer :

You don't need me.

I'm not sure you ever did.

I don't exist.

What's the point of me?

Lister :

Rimmer, We're The Posse.

We're The Boys from The Dwarf.

We're like The Four Musketeers.

D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos.

And The Other One.

Rimmer, You're The Other One.

Rimmer :

I'm The "Other One"?

Lister :

You do all the stuff

that The Other One does.

Rimmer :

And what's that, then?

Lister :

"Other one" stuff.

Rimmer :

"Other one" stuff?

What's "other one" stuff?

Lister :

All the stuff that the others haven't done 

that The Other One does.

Rimmer :

I'm pointless.

Lister :

No, you're not.

You know, I'll tell you 

The Point of You :

A Moon cannot make light, right?

And yet there's such a thing 

as moonlight.

Rimmer :

It's light reflected off A Moon

from A Sun.

Lister :

Yeah, but The Sun can't make

moonlight without The Moon.

And The Moon can't make moonlight without The Sun.

So who's making the moonlight?

Rimmer :

They both are.

Lister :

Which means that, even though a moon

cannot make light, moonlight exists.

Like you. Smeghead.

POWERS UP