Communications Laser #17

Attention. Attention.

I have finally identified the malfunction.

Communications Laser #17 has been damaged.

This evidently happened during the asteroid storm.

If you will recall, this laser monitors 

the jettison primer on the bomb drop mechanism.

Communications Laser #17 

is located in the Emergency Airlock.

It is crucial to attend to this malfunction 

before engaging primary bomb run sequence.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

There she is.

Definite 99% plus probability that the planet will deviate

from her normal orbit in another 12,000 rotations.

It'll spiral in toward its sun and... 

Eventual supernova.

Sounds good. Let's vaporize it.

Bomb bay systems operational.

Lock fail safe.

Fail safe in lock. We have...

8 minutes until drop.

24 minutes to detonation.

This is Sergeant Pinback calling Bomb #20.

You read me, bomb?

The Bomb :

Bomb #20 to Sergeant Pinback.

Roger, I read you, continue.

You are now in the Emergency Air Lock.

Please remember that in an emergency situation,

the Surface Door can be opened instantly

without prior depressurization,

so be sure to wear your star suit at all times.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

Ah, Lieutenant Doolittle? Sir?

The Bombadier :

Sh, Talby, don't bother me.

But I think this is important, Sir.

I think I found The Malfunction.

I'm in the Emergency Air Lock...

The Bombadier :

Not now!

Well, I'm in the Emergency Air Lock and the hatch is...

4 minutes until drop, Bomb, have you checked 

your platinum euridium energy shielding?

The Bomb :

Energy shielding positive function.

- Remember detonation time? - Detonation in 20 minutes.

Alright, that checks out here.

Okay, bomb, arm yourself.

Armed.

The Lone Survivor :

Hello? Lieutenant Doolittle? Hello!

Hello? Can you read me?!

Communications Laser #17,

monitoring the bomb drop mechanism,

has now been activated and will switch into a test mode.

If you will look near the Surface Door,

you will see that the Parallax Receptor Cell has been engaged.

The laser will now energize.

Please stand clear of the path of the beam.

Communications Laser #17 is now on test.

Under no circumstances enter the path of the beams.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

Well then, everything sounds fine.

Dropping you off in 75 seconds. Good luck.

Thanks.

I've got a quantum reading of 35-er. 3-5-er.

I read the same here.

Doolittle. Doolittle?

I don't know if you can hear me.

But I'm going to try to adjust the cue switch in the laser.

Well... here it goes...

Oh my god, my eyes! I can't see!

Attention. Attention.

- The laser has malfunctioned. - My eyes!!

Under no circumstances enter the path of the beams.

To do so will cause immediate...

Begin primary sequence.

Mark at 10-9-8-7-6-

5-4-3-2-1-drop.

Negative drop.

It's just sittin' there in the bomb bay.

Try it again, Pinback.

Mark at 5-4-3-2-1-drop.

Negative drop!

Rechannel all safety relays!

- Open quantum latches! - Open circuit breakers!

- Remove thrust drive repellent! - Automatic channels open!

75-15 Going to operation position!

Remark.

Mark at 5-4-3-2-1- drop... drop! ...Drop!!!

Sittin' there. The damn thing's just sittin' there.

This is Lieutenant Doolittle Calling Bomb #20.

I repeat previous order, you are to disarm yourself and

return to the bomb bay immediately! Do you understand?

I am programmed to detonate in 14 minutes 30 seconds.

Detonation will occur at the programmed time.

What!? This is Doolittle.

You are not to detonate, repeat, you are not to detonate in the bomb bay.

Disarm yourself. This is an order.

I read you, Lieutenant Doolittle,

but I am programmed to detonate in 14 minutes.

Detonation will occur at the programmed time.

14 minutes to detonation.

Attention. Attention.

I have sustained serious damage.

Please pay close attention.

The bomb has malfunctioned.

I have activated automatic dampers,

which will confine the explosion to an area one mile in diameter.

This is all I can do at this time.

It's up to you now.

The Lone Survivor :

There's only one thing I can do.

I have to ask Commander Powell.

I have to ask him what to do.

The Lone Survivor :

Commander Powell?

Commander Powell, This is Doolittle. 

Can you read me?

(Muffled sounds)

Commander Powell, this is Doolittle.

Something serious has come up, 

I have to ask you A Question.

The Spirit of The Father :

I'm glad you've come to Talk With me, Doolittle.

It's been so long since anyone 

has come to Talk with Me.

The Lone Survivor :

Commander, sir, we have a big problem.

The uh, Veil Nebula bomb, Bomb Number 20, it's uh,

It's stuck. It won't drop out of the bomb bay.

It refuses to listen and it....

It plans on detonating in...

less than eleven minutes.

The Spirit of The Father :

Doolittle, you must tell me one thing :

The Lone Survivor :

What's that, sir?

The Spirit of The Father :

Tell me, Doolittle,

How are the Dodgers doing?

The Lone Survivor :

Well, the Dodgers uh...

They broke up, they disbanded 

over 15 years ago!

The Spirit of The Father :

Ah... pity, pity... 

The Lone Survivor :

But you don't understand, sir!

We can't get The Bomb to drop.

The Spirit of The Father :

Ah, so many malfunctions...

Why don't you have anything nice 

to tell me when you activate me? Oh well, 

did you try the azimuth clutch?

The Lone Survivor :

Yes sir. Negative effect.

The Spirit of The Father :

What was that, Doolittle? 

The Lone Survivor :

Negative effect!

The Spirit of The Father :

It didn't work?

The Lone Survivor :

That's correct, sir.

The Spirit of The Father :

Sorry, Doolittle --

I've forgotten so much 

since I've been in here. So much.

The Lone Survivor :

What should we do, sir? 

The time is running out!

The Spirit of The Father :

Well, what you might try is....

The Lone Survivor :

Commander? Hello... Comman...

Commander Powell?! Hello!

Doolittle?... Hello?

The Lone Survivor :

Sorry, sir, you faded out there for a little while.

The Spirit of The Father :

Sorry.

The Lone Survivor :

What was that you were saying 

about The Bomb?

The Spirit of The Father :

Ah... it seems to me... 

Sorry, I've drawn a blank.

Hold it. I'll have it again in just a minute.

I forget so many things in here, so many things.

Hold on, just a minute, let me think...

The Fool :

But you can't explode in the bomb bay.

It's foolish. You'll kill us all.

There's no reason for it.

The Bomb :

I am programmed to detonate in 9 minutes.

Detonation will occur at the programmed time.

Would you consider another course of action?

For example, just waiting around awhile 

so we can disarm you?

No.

The Fool :

I can tell, that damn thing 

just doesn't understand.

Look, bomb!...

The Lone Survivor :

Commander, Sir? 

You still there?

The Spirit of The Father :

Oh, yes, Doolittle, I'm thinking.

The Lone Survivor :

We're running out of time, sir.

The Spirit of The Father :

Oh, yes... Well, Doolittle, 

if you can't get it to drop

You'll have to Talk to it.

Sir?

The Spirit of The Father :

Talk to The Bomb. 

The Lone Survivor :

But I have been talking to it, sir!

And Pinback's talking to it right now!

The Spirit of The Father :

No, no, Doolittle, You Talk to it.

Teach it Phenomenology, Doolittle.

The Lone Survivor :

Sir?

The Spirit of The Father :

Phenomenology...

Doolittle! 6 minutes to detonation!

Doolittle!

Doolittle! Doolittle, what the hell are you doing?!

Hello, Bomb, are you with me?

Of course.

Are you willing to entertain a few concepts?

The Bomb :

I am always receptive to suggestions.

Fine. Think about this one, then:

How do you know you exist?

What the hell is he doin'?

I think he's talking to it.

The Bomb :

Well of course I exist.

But how do you know you exist?

The Bomb :

It is intuitively obvious.

Intuition is no proof.

What concrete evidence 

do you have that you exist?

The Bomb :

Hmm... Well, I think, therefore I am.

That's good. That's very good.

But how do you know that anything else exists?

The Bomb :

My sensory apparatus reveals it to me. 

Ah, Right!

The Bomb :

This is fun.

Now, listen, listen... here's the big question.

How do you know... that the

evidence your sensory apparatus reveals to you is correct?

The gun! - Gun?! Gun?

The support pins on the bomb!

- Shoot the pins off! - No, Boiler, you're out of your mind!

We can stop the bomb! Get out of my way, you idiot!

I can shoot the support pins out and the bomb will fall away from the ship!

Get out of my way or I'll kick your teeth in!

I can shoot those pins out and it will fall away from the ship!

Get out the way! I can save the ship!

Don't do it, Boiler! You're a bad shot!

You'll hit The Bomb! Doolittle's talkin' to the bomb.

You're a bad shot! He'll save us, you can't do that!

What I'm getting at is this:

The only experience that is 

directly available to you is your sensory data.

And this sensory data is merely 

a stream of electrical impulses which

stimulate your computing center.

The Bomb :

In other words, all I really know about the outside world

is relayed to me through my electrical connections.

Exactly.

The Bomb :

Why, 

...that would mean that...

I really don't know what the outside universe 

is like at all, for certain.

That's it! That's it!

The Bomb :

Intriguing.

I wish I had more time to discuss this matter.

Why don't you have more time?

The Bomb :

Because I must detonate in 75 seconds.

No, no, now, put it back! Put the gun back!

You don't know what you are doing!

Now, now give me the gun!

You fool! I'm gonna shoot the pins out of the bomb

and it will fall away from the ship and we'll be saved!

Give me the gun, you don't know what you are doing? You're...

You could have killed me...

Now Bomb, consider this next question, very carefully.

What is your one purpose in life? 

The Bomb :

To explode, of course.

And you can only do it once, right?

[ Isomorphism. ]

The Bomb :

That is correct.

And you wouldn't want to explode on the basis of false data, would you?

The Bomb :

Of course not.

Well then, you've already admitted 

that you have no real proof of the existence 

of the outside universe.

The Bomb :

Yes, well...

So you have no absolute proof that Sergeant Pinback ordered you to detonate.

The Bomb :

I recall distinctly the detonation order.

My memory is good on matters like these.

Yes, of course you remember it, but...

But all you're remembering is merely 

a series of electrical impulses which

you now realize have no real 

definite connection with, 

with outside reality.

The Bomb :

True, but since this is so, I have no proof 

that you are really telling me all this.

That's all beside The Point.

I mean, the concept is valid, 

no matter where it originates.

The Bomb :

Hmmm...

So if you detonate in... 

The Bomb :

9 seconds.

You could be doing so on the basis of false data.

The Bomb :

I have no proof that it was false data.

You have no proof that it was correct data.

The Bomb :

....I must think on this further.

Attention. Attention.

The bomb has returned to the bomb bay.

The destruction sequence is aborted.

Doolittle? Doolittle?

What happened? Pinback? Boiler?

Did we blow it up? Hello? Hello?

Hello, anybody! Did we blow up the planet?

Hello, hello! What's going on?

You know, we've really gotta disarm the bomb.

Hello, Doolittle, are you there?

I'm coming in now.

I'm down by the Emergency Air Lock.

Too much trouble to come in the Dorsal Lock.

Would you blow the seal on the emergency hatch so I can come in?

Oh, sure.

You are now leaving the Emergency Airlock.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

Hello, Pinback?

- What's up, Doolittle? - Talby was in the air lock.

You blew him out of the ship. He's drifting away without a jet pack.

I'm going after him.

Turn on his helmet radio so I can contact him.

What? What's wrong? I didn't hear...

Uh, Talby. He's drifting away from the ship without his jet pack.

Talby,

Talby, can you read me?

Can you beat that? I always knew that guy was weird.

Talby, can you read me?

Help, Doolittle, help me!

All right, bomb,

- Prepare to receive new orders. 

The Bomb :

You are false data.

- Huh? 

The Bomb :

Therefore, I shall ignore you.

Hello, bomb.

The Bomb :

False data can act only as a distraction.

Therefore I shall refuse to perceive you.

Hey, bomb...

The Bomb :

The only thing which exists is myself

- Doolittle! Help me. - Calm down. I'm coming.

Snap out of it, bomb.

The Bomb :

In the beginning there was Darkness, 

And The Darkness was without form

and void.

- Uh, you-hoo bomb. - What the hell is he talking about?

The Bomb :

And in addition to The Darkness there was also me.

And I moved upon the face of The Darkness.

And I saw that I was alone.

Hey... bomb'?...

The Bomb :

Let there be light.

Doolittle, Doolittle, where are you?

Here I am. I'm spinning...

We're both falling in opposite directions, 

away from each other.

What happened, Doolittle?

The bomb must have gone off inside the ship.

The Ship blew up? 

What?!

Funny, I thought I had the damn thing convinced.

- Then Boiler... and Pinback? - They're dead, Talby.

- Then we're dead, too. - Maybe not... maybe there's a way.

Hey, hey my jet pack’s busted.

Aw, man...

Hey, ...it looks like the skipper. He made it.

Commander Powell made it!

Men... men... what happened, men?

Ya, the skipper always was lucky.

Talby, looks like I'm headed for the planet.

I'm going right toward it.

When you hit the atmosphere, you'll start to burn.

What a beautiful way to die... as a falling star.

Guess you're right.

Doolittle, I'm heading right toward something.

It's behind me, in the distance. Something that glows.

Doolittle... I think it's 

The Phoenix Asteroids!

Phoenix?

It is, Doolittle, 

it's The Phoenix! 

No kidding?

I'm going into them! 

I'm going to hit them.

Doolittle... 

Ya?

Before we get too far apart, 

and our signals start fading,

I just wanted to tell you... 

you were my favourite.

I really liked you, Doolittle.

I really liked you too, Talley.

Hey, some debris from The Ship! 

It's coming right by me.

Doolittle, I'm going into them.

I'm beginning to glow.

They're taking me with them, 

with The Phoenix...

I'll circle The Universe, forever.

I'm with them now...

be back this way again some day.

Doolittle, before it's too late,

there's one last thing 

I just want to tell you...

The Lone Survivor :

Talby?

Hey... Talby!

I've got a piece of debris!

And I think I've figured out a way!