"I caught Death in my sack! Wife!
Do you see? I've caught Death in my sack!
What about that, eh? Good, eh?"
Death, A Prisoner!
The News, whispered from one of The Tsar's 50 wives to the other,
spread through the town as fast as gossip,
which is what it was
and nothing spreads faster,
and within 4 and a half minutes
the whole town knew,
and within 17 minutes
the whole country knew,
and by the following morning,
it was the talking point of a 1,000 languages.
Death, A Prisoner!
Morte UN prigionero!
Tod ein gefanger!
Smird ooznitzen!
…..I forgot the Greek.
Ekhmalotisame ton thanato!
Exactly.
And The Soldier, to be on the safe side,
set off with Death in his sack
and found the thickest forest
and the highest tree,
and clambered up it
and hung Death from the longest branch
and promptly fell off.
But there's nothing like
Death off-duty to cushion a fall.
So nothing died?
Nothing.
The oddest battles!
There were wars going on in most places
and they were very strange.
At the end of a day's carnage,
flashing swords and explosions,
the air thick with arrows
and the savage swoosh of axes,
nobody had died.
The armies would look at each other,
exhausted and intact.
Duels at dawn went on till midnight
when the rivals would go home confused.
Crossed lovers would throw themselves off cliffs
and have a long climb back.
And My Friend The Soldier was
The Most Famous Man in The World
because suddenly,
everyone could live for ever.
everyone could live for ever.
He sat in his palace and whistled his Ruby whistle.
ª[soldier whistling]
And then, one day, looking down from his window,
he sees his courtyard full of poor souls wandering,
old scrags of folk barely held together.
They were waiting, waiting for Death,
for Death's release and it would not come.
And The Soldier could not bear their sorrow.
Back he went to The Forest.
[Birds chirping]
Death? I've led you a merry dance,
but now you must have me and set the world to rights.
[Wind howling]
Death, come back!
But Death had fear of The Soldier and His Sack
and would not come back.
He was condemned to watch while others aged and died,
but Death would not come for him.
No, The Soldier, Old Kipper, Dried Beef,
lived on and on and on, until he could stand it no longer,
and dragged his dust and fragments
across to the edge of the earth
and slowly down to Hell.
[Knocking on door]
Yes?
A sinful soul comes to surrender his life.
Yes.
What's that you're carrying?
Nothing, an old sack.
A sack?
[Screams]
Let me in. I beg you.
Go away! Go on!
And take that horrible sack with you!
But where can I go?
We don't care, just jigger off.
I won't go unless you give me a map to Heaven and a way in.
And 200 souls you have no further use for.
[Devil muttering]
150.
Do you know what this is?
Don't wave that sack around!
All right, 200. Yuck!
Follow the map until you can go no further
and then go directly up until you get the sensation
of standing on your head.
That's The Edge of Heaven.
After that,
Follow The Church Music.
ª[organ playing]
Who approaches
The Gates of Heaven?
I am The Soldier who took Death prisoner,
and I have brought 200 souls from Hell
in The Hope that God will Forgive Me,
and let me in with them.
The souls may enter, but alone.
Go then and Be Blessed.
Take this, friend,
and once inside,
Call Me into The Sack.
Remember, I delivered you
from The Furnace.
But you see,
There is No Memory in Heaven.
Souls Forget.
The Soldier waited and waited,
an INCH from Paradise.
Until after a long time, forgotten,
he turned and walked slowly back to Earth.
And for all I know,
he wanders still.
So sad.
No, he is a rare boy,
my friend The Soldier.
He's somewhere, about His Business.
You sure?
Come on, you can have your biscuit.
[Sighs] [Sniffing]
Do you know what this is?
A sack.
Well, if it's a sack, then get in it!
Just checking.
[Mumbling]
Hmm?
[Grunts] [Sighs]
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