Volunteer Victims

Parks and Recreation - Bird Flu

 Give yourselves a hand. 

But your applause is premature. 

You just told us to applaud. 

Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? 

I hope so, because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say. 

Tom, I need you to contact three more food vendors on this list, and they need to do it for free. 

I'm omelet. 

Get it? "I'm on it," 

"I'm omelet"? 

I get it, and I love it, but I don't have time for food puns right now. 

Okay, I'm heading out. 

Good-pie. Go. Gurt. Go-gurt. 

I'm incredible. - See you guys.

Okay. Donna, Jerry --  Leslie! 

Leslie, we need you back at The Command Centre right now! 

We have a class-one city emergency. 

Oh, my God. Gayle. 

My girls! 

What's The Emergency? 

Oh, This is Just a Drill, but I am having so much fun pretending it's Real. 

Are you kidding me? 

The Disaster-Preparedness people picked today? 

Each year every city in Indiana is reviewed by The Department of Emergency Preparedness. 

And Pawnee has failed 12 years in a row. 

On last year's report, they stated, 

"Every time it so much as drizzles in Pawnee, the town is in danger of collapsing into Thunderdome-style, post-apocalyptic mayhem." 

Okay, we don't know how long Leslie's going to be gone, so let's just knock some of this stuff off. 

Should someone stop Jerry? 

Gayle! 

Eh, he'll figure it out eventually. 

My name is Leonard Tchulm. 

I'm Head of the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness. 

And Today I'm going to bring Death and Destruction to your town. 

I am Leslie Knope. 

I am the Pawnee Emergency Czar. 

And this year, we are more than prepared for your test, but, um, it just so happens, today is a little inconvenient. 

Good, because The Best Day for a Drill is when it's inconvenient for everyone. 

My Mother is getting a colonoscopy today. 

I'm not even sure there's anyone there to drive her home, so we're all making sacrifices, Ms. Knope. 

Well, I'm very sorry to hear about Your Mother. 

Mm, we're not that close. 

Oh. Good. 

Okay, Volunteer Victims, please put your identification placards on now and go to your designated areas throughout Town. 

First Responders, return to your stations, and the simulation begins... N-n-n... 

Went past The zero. 

I got to wait till it goes... 

Okay, now. 

All right, officers, bolt the doors. 

We are officially in Lockdown Mode. 

The Doors will not open until Leonard announces that This Drill is complete. 

The most important event that I have ever organized in my entire life is happening in eight hours, and I am stuck in This Room. 

This is a nightmare. 

Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare. 

Nope, can't fly away. 

This is Real Life. 

And now, I'm going to open one of these ten envelopes at random to determine your simulated disaster. 

Pawnee has been hit by... 

A strain of Avian 'flu. 

Yes! Avian 'flu! Jackpot. 

This is a simple one, guys. 

Everybody open their binders, okay?

"The Knope Protocol"?

Uh, correction. That's 

"Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol." 

Now, if everyone just follows my instructions, we will ace this Test, and we will be done in 90 minutes. 

"Step one-- insert the DVD scenario." 

Hmm, what could be on this? 

Good evening, this is Channel 4 lead anchor Willow Tremaine, with breaking news. 

Avian flu has just hit the town of Pawnee. 

We go live now to St. Joseph's Medical Center for an update. 

Hello, my name is Donatella Breckinridge, M.D. 

I graduated first in my class from Harvard Medical School, so I know what I'm talking about. 

This is the avian flu, or we call "H5N1."

Donna, are we on schedule for the tent setup? 

The tables showed up, which is good, but there are no chairs, which is bad. 

Okay, well, get some chairs from somewhere. 

Great Leadership-- inspiring. 

Hey, can you hear me? 

Oh! Leslie, you on The TeeVee! 

Well, you're on mine, Brett.

We're having a video conference.

Oh, okay. 

Pawnee has been hit with the avian flu.

Tight. 

No, this is bad news. 

I need everyone there at Animal Control to eradicate all the infected birds in town. 

"Kill all birds."

This is for The Drill, right?

Yes. 

But I'm actually gonna kill these birds for real? 

No. No, just pretend. 

Right. So how do I kill 'em-- like, with a gun? 

No. 

I could fill up a bathtub and just drown 'em one at a time. 

Okay, let's forget we ever talked. 

Got it. Kill 'em. 

Okay, casualty update-- only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. 

That Family took a terrible hit. 

Well, that's Great News. 

Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms--

Christopher Traeger.

What? 

A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a Killer Virus, and I feel fine. 

Therapy! 

This is highly irregular. 

We have followed protocol to the letter. 

No, you did not. 

Unfortunately, no one contacted the transit department to shut down bus service. 

So you rode a bus with a contagious man, and he infected you and 39 others. 

That is impossible. 

I do not ride the bus. 

I ride my bicycle behind the bus as a windbreak. 

Doesn't matter. 

Prepare for The Diarrhea. 

Okay, who was supposed to deal with Transit? 

My bad, guys. That's my bad. 

Chris, very sorry. 

Damn it, Jamm. 

I should've had animal control kill you. 

Oh, who you want me to kill?

No one. 

I'll kill him... As soon as I'm done with these birds. 

Hey, how's it going? 

Uh, well, this simulated Disaster is a Total Disaster. 

How are you? 

Ron subbed for you on Pawnee Today. 

Ron who? Ron Swanson? 

On television? 

You know we want people to come, right? 

Donna still can't find any chairs. 

We don't know where Jerry is. 

And now some Firemen are using the lot as a Triage Center for The Emergency Drill. 

Okay, here's what you do. 

Listen to me caref-- 

Attention :

Panic from The Outbreak has overloaded cell phone towers. 

Please deposit your phones into this box. 

Oh, my God, this drill will never end.

Okay, tell the firefighters... 

All phones. 

To set up triage at the high school... 

All phones.

And then to-- but I'm talking to someone important.

All phones. 

Let me tell him something important.

Fix it, Ben! Fix it!

Okay.

 What?

 I found one chair, got a lead on a second. 

Keep me posted. 

I'm afraid I have some very bad news :

"I, Chris Traeger, after several sustained hours of diarrhea, combined with violent coughing and a devastating fever, followed by even more diarrhea, have succumbed to the avian flu." 

I'm Dead. 

I got to say, Leonard, it kind of feels like you're putting us through the ringer here. 

Can you us an idea how long this is gonna take? 

Uh... Probably six to eight more hours. 

Eight more hours?

Nine. 

Are all state emergency drills this intensive? 

Oh, no, hardly ever. 

Councilman Jamm requested it. 

Oh, really? 

Specifically asked that the drill to be done today and said I should give you everything I got. 

Mmhmm. Guys! Come here. 

The Game is rigged. 

Jamm invited Leonard here, and he screwed up the bus thing on purpose to slow us down. 

It is with a heavy heart that I say, 

"We have been jammed." 

God, that guy is The Worst! 

Look, we are stuck in this room until The Drill is over. 

What are we gonna do? 

The Only Thing We Can Do. 

In order to save Our Park... 

We have to Destroy the entire town. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are making some changes to the Knope Protocol. Ann, how much flu vaccine does the hospital still have? Enough for 2,000 people. Great. Why don't you tell the hospital director - to flush them down the toilet. - You got it. Chief Fugleberg, I want you to order your officers to find all the infected birds in the area and perform CPR. Sorry. Won't they become infected? That's a risk we're gonna have to take. Our top priority is now saving all the birds. And you know what? Why don't we just kick this up a notch? Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with... A tornado quake! This is Ron. Go ahead, caller. Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that? Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. I've seen three movies in my life-- Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. Good morning. And... it is a wrap. Everyone in Pawnee is dead. Including Councilman Jamm. What? No, no, you can't do that. It says right there, you're dead, so is everyone you care about. Oh, well, joke's on you. I don't have anyone I care about. Ms. Knope, I'm afraid I have to once again give Pawnee a failing grade. This was bad-- Fort Wayne bad. Bummer. Thank you for your time. I think we're done here. I will see everyone at the gala, and I will see you in hell. Yeah, you're too late, Knope. That lot is mine. I can't hear you. I'm a ghost. Yeah, well, so am I, so you can hear me! Ghost jammed! We got all the way to Muncie before we realized that it was just a drill. I mean, all I'm saying is you could've called. No one had your cell number, Big "J." I find that hard to believe. Oh, my God, why is everyone standing around? We have work to do. Status report. - Status report! - Well-- Nope, we don't have time for that. We're gonna have to postpone the gala, but we can't, because the deadline is tomorrow. Oh, my God, I destroyed the entire town for nothing. Leslie, it's okay. Oh, my God. You did all this? How did you get food? I had a classic stroke of Haverford genius. Who has the most to lose from a new Paunch Burger? Their competitors. I got all the other fast-food places in town to donate food. I know black tie and chicky tenders isn't the best mix, - but-- - No, Tom, I love it. And more importantly, so will all of our more ample citizens. How did you get the word out? Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day. Also, I told the firemen they should use the lot as triage and then gave them and all the dead and wounded - two free drink tickets. - Wow. This is great. Thank you so much. Let's start the gala. Oh, and thanks for dressing up, Jerry. - Hello, Chief Fugleberg. - Hey. That's your buddy Andy Dwyer over there, isn't it? - Such a shame. - Oh, no. - Did he fail his test? - It's weird. He got 100% on his written test-- first guy in history to do it-- but he failed his personality examination. He's a sweet kid-- just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop. Oh, Andy. Too bad. He's certainly something of a genius. We could use his brains on the force. Official police wrist lock. You can't hit me. Try to hit me. Or here, no, try-- it's this hand. Wrist lock. Boom, too much pain, you can't even hit me. Try to hit me. If I had my gun, you wouldn't try to hit me, though, is the thing. Uh, if I could have everyone's attention please? I am so happy to announce that as of one minute ago, we have reached our fund-raising goal. Every dollar spent here tonight by you, the community, will be poured right back into this wonderful project. And speaking of community, I'd like to thank my community-- my friends. It's a lesson that I have learned over and over again, but it bears repeating-- No one achieves anything alone. Without further ado, the best band in Pawnee-- Mouse Rat. ♪ Park ♪ we will build it, the park ♪