Just Don’t Be Useless

A doctor's office, day. Stan took Kyle's advice. A doctor is checking Stan's ears

Stan

And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me.

Doctor

Uh huh, and what about food? 

Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too?

Stan

Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit.

Doctor

[reads his medical file] This says you had a birthday recently?

Stan

I just turned 10.

Doctor

Well, that makes sense. 

You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes.

Stan

So this is normal?

Doctor

It's very normal. 

Let's just do a quick ear exam. 

I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear. 

[plays some music, with lots of fart sounds] 

What's that sound like to you?

Stan

Sounds like shit.

Doctor

Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan. 

[plays a Dylan track. Dylan gets through three syllables before fart sounds replace him.]

Stan

Uh that sounds like shit too.

Doctor

Wait, •this• sounds like shit to you?

Stan

Yeah dude, it's just shit.

Doctor

Well that's very strange. 

[turns off the player] 

Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else. 

[takes two pictures up to Stan] 

Look at these two pictures. 

One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. 

Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper?

Stan

They both look the same. 

[true enough, except for the turds]

Doctor

You don't see any difference in the pictures?

Stan

No.

Doctor

[holds up the picture in his right hand] 

That is an ad for The Zookeeper and 

[holds up the picture in his left hand] 

that is a turd about to be reheated.

_Stan

They both look like turds about to be reheated to me.

Doctor

Oh dear. I think I know what this is. 

 

You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. 

And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. 

 

With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. 

It's a condition called 

"Being a Cynical Asshole."

Stan

Oh no.

Doctor

Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. 

Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to 

[sounds shitty now, and Stan can't believe his ears. Soon, shit comes out of the doctor's mouth and Stan is more horrified]