Lovely!

“I feel that if anything makes The Next Generation, 

or will make the The Generation feel Antiquated, 

it will be the presence of A PsychoTherapist aboard; 

people will say “Oh how quaint! Remember when 

Psychotherapy was popular?”

 

[-- x - Int./Ext. Medical office aboard Red Dwarf -------------------------]

[KRYTEN, COUNSELLOR present]

COUNSELLOR :

Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; 

I am The Ship's 

Chief Psychiatric Counsellor, 

and I thought it's about 

time we got together, 

and had a really good natter.

KRYTEN :

My name is Kryten, sir.

COUNSELLOR :

Lovely! We are doing well, 

aren't we! Now, you're a robot, 

aren't you?

KRYTEN :

I was, the last time 

I looked, sir, yes.

COUNSELLOR :

And can you tell me, when you were created, can you remember?

KRYTEN 2340 sir.

COUNSELLOR :

Very good, 2340. Now, that's in The Future, isn't it?

KRYTEN Yes sir, I was created after you died.

COUNSELLOR 

Lovely! Lovely! So, I died, er, and you were created. 

And how long would you say I've been dead, altogether?

KRYTEN Oh, you're not dead anymore, sir.

COUNSELLOR Aren't I?

KRYTEN :

No no, you're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell?

COUNSELLOR 

Right! I was alive, died, and 

then started living again..?

KRYTEN You have been most fortunate sir!

COUNSELLOR I have, haven't I? Golly! 

Your chair is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

KRYTEN Er, yes, sir?

COUNSELLOR Just checking! Excellent, lovely, lovely! So-o, how did I suddenly spring back to life again?

KRYTEN You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, teenty little robots!

COUNSELLOR 'Teenty little robots'?

KRYTEN And they make this little noise - 

'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!

COUNSELLOR :

Yes, just double check that chair for me, would you, Kryten? It is still screwed down, isn't it?

KRYTEN Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR :

With really long, long screws that go deep, deep into the ground?

KRYTEN Er, yes, sir.

COUNSELLOR Okay, now tell me, what kind of robot do you think you are? What were you programmed to do?

KRYTEN Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir. I'm programmed to do sanitation-type things: washing, cleaning, ironing.

COUNSELLOR Hmm. You also drive spaceships though, don't you? Pretend to be the science officer, and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair, with all those lovely, pretty buttons and press them all?

KRYTEN Yes, I do that too, sir. That's sort of thanks to Mister Lister.

COUNSELLOR Mister Lister..?

KRYTEN He helped break my programming, sir. Over the years I have managed to develop some serious character faults of which I'm extremely proud! I'm even able to lie to a modest standard, for example: "you have a very fine hair cut!" You see how good I've got? Also, "I've completely mastered pomposity, even though I say so myself!" I've also developed several rudimentary emotions, including fear: "Oh my God! It's going to kill us!"; sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us"; happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise: "Oohh! I've turned into a frog!", and just lately, I'm proud to say, I've got the hang of anger, with rudimentary mindless violence:

KRYTEN That's a newie. I was going to launch it at this year's Emotion Show. At the moment, I'm working on ambivalence, which means feeling two opposite, irreconcilable emotions about the same thing:

KRYTEN As you can see, I haven't quite got the hang of that one yet. I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

COUNSELLOR What is your relationship with Lister?

KRYTEN I love Mister Lister, sir, he taught me everything. Without him, I'd probably be normal.

COUNSELLOR I'm going to make a recommendation now, Kryten, which I think will help you, but just before I do, just double check that chair for me, would you?

[The counsellor rubber-stamps his form, the stamp bears the legend: RESTORE TO FACTORY SETTINGS]