Tuesday 23 August 2022

Bung a Rock at It












[Outside The TARDIS]

The Cosmic Hobo : 
Yes. 


JAMIE
Have you thought up 
some clever plan, Doctor? 


The Cosmic Hobo : 
Yes, Jamie, I believe I have. 

JAMIE
What are you going to do? 


The Cosmic Hobo
Bung a rock at it. 







NARRATOR :
It is now necessary to travel two-million years 
backwards in time, to where 
Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent 
are stranded in the primeval past 
of the utterly insignificant planet Earth. 

They are faced with A Problemin that a spaceship, 
which has apparently travelled 
back in time to rescue them, 
can not materialise until 
they have worked out 
a way of sending a message 
forward in time to summon it. 

This is clearly a terribly convoluted 
temporal paradox of 
mind-mangling complexity. 

Scene 3. Int. Prehistoric Earth 

ARTHUR:
Perhaps we could wave your towel at it. 

FORD:
You know what your trouble is Arthur? 
You’ve got as much grasp of multi-temporal 
causality as a concussed bee. 

ARTHUR:
oh. You don’t think it would work? 

FORD:
No. That ship hovering there is 
only a potential ship, 
the possibility of one. 

ARTHUR:
We could still wave at it. 

FORD:
Yeah, very friendly but 
chronologically inept. 
Listen, we have to send A Message 
forward in time… 

ARTHUR:
Yes…. 

FORD:
…to where that spaceship 
is going to be. 

ARTHUR:
We don’t know where. 

FORD:
No. 

ARTHUR:
We don’t know when

FORD:
No. 

ARTHUR:
And anyway, we haven’t got 
a time machine. 

FORD:
No. 

ARTHUR:
So? 

FORD:
You’re right. 

ARTHUR:
What? 

FORD:
We might just as well wave a towel at it. 

ARTHUR:
Right. [Shouts] Hello!! 

FORD:
[Shouts] Hello!! 

ARTHUR:
[Shouts] Hel-looo!! 

ARTHUR:
[Shouts] Spaceship!! 

FORD:
[Shouts] Over here!! 

FORD:
[Shouts] Just down here!! 

ARTHUR:
[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

FORD:
[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

FORD: 
[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

ARTHUR:
[Shouts] Coo- 

ARTHUR:
Ford! It’s coming down! 
Look it’s coming down to us! 

FORD:
I don’t believe it. 
It’s impossible 

ARTHUR:
But it’s happening. 

FORD:
Hey, I don’t like the look of that. 

ARTHUR:
What? 

FORD:
It’s wobbling. I think it’s gonna crash. 
[Shouts] Fire your retro-rockets, you idiot!! 

[The retro-rockets fire

FORD:
[Shouts] Too hard!! Much too hard!! 
Run Arthur! Run for your life! 
Make for the hill! 

ARTHUR:
What hill? 

FORD:
Well there was a hill there a moment ago. 

ARTHUR:
What that rather nice one with all the daffodils? 

FORD:
Damn the daffodils, the whole hill’s gone! 

ARTHUR:
The ground’s heaving beneath us! 

FORD:
That ship’s causing a bloody earthquake. 

ARTHUR:
Look the hill’s come back! 

[Sound of volcano erupting] 

ARTHUR:
It’s erupting! 
It must be on a volcanic fault! 

FORD:
[Shouts] 
Watch outtttttt! 

[Massive volcanic eruption and sounds of destruction, eventually tailing off into echoey silence…

ARTHUR:
Well. We did it. 

FORD:
Yeah. 

ARTHUR:
We flagged down a logically-nonexistent 
spaceship with a towel. 

FORD:
Yeah, great! 

ARTHUR:
Marvelous! 

FORD:
Wonderful! 

ARTHUR:
Terrific! 

FORD:
Tell me Arthur..? 

ARTHUR:
Yes? 

FORD :
This boulder were stuck under… 
how big would you say it was? Roughly.

ARTHUR :
Hmm. About the size of 
Coventry Cathedral. 

FORD :
Do you think we could move it? 
… Ha. Just asking. 
Can you feel my rucksack anywhere? 

ARTHUR :
Ummmmm. Hmm. Here. 

FORD :
Ya see, it’s in these sorts of situations that 
it’s really good to have a guide to help you. 

ARTHUR :
What? 

FORD:
’The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. 
It tells you what to do in any eventuality. 

ARTHUR:
What, even being stuck in a crack in the ground beneath a giant boulder which you can’t move 
with no hope of rescue? 

FORD :
Yeah. It’ll have something. Watch. 

[The Guide starts up

The BOOK :
What to do if you find yourself stuck 
in a crack in the ground underneath 
a giant boulder you can’t move 
with no hope of rescue
Consider how lucky you are that 
Life has been good to you so far.

Alternatively, if Life hasn’t been good to you so far -
- which, given your current circumstances seems more likely -
-  Consider how lucky you are that it 
won’t be troubling you much longer.

FORD :
It’s time I did something 
about that book.


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