But I Didn't Die.

Generation-X were not well dressed, because there was no reason to dress smartly. 

They were not career-minded, for there was no reason to pursue the corporate dream. 

They were seen largely as apathetic, 

but it was an apathy born of a logical assessment of the options rather than just innate laziness. 

They were often well-educated and creative, 

and were usually portrayed as being talkative and self-obsessed. 

If they had A Mission, of sorts, it was 

To Work Out How to Move Forward

from Where They Were. 

Can't even go get meself a cup of tea. 

There's a café just along the road. 

There may be, mate, there may be. 

I used to go there quite a bit. 

Years ago, now. But I stopped. 

I used to like that place. 

I spent quite a bit of time in there. 

I thought they understood what I said. 

I mean, I used to talk to them. 

Same with the factory. 

I used to talk about things and these men used to listen whenever I had anything to say. 

It was all right.

Trouble was,... 

.. used to have... kind of hallucinations. 

But they weren't hallucinations. 

They... I used to get the feeling I could see things... very clearly. 

Everything was so clear. 

Everything used to... 

Everything used to get very quiet. 

Everything got very quiet. 

All this... quiet and this clear sight, it was... 

But maybe... I was wrong. 

Anyway... Someone must've... said something. 

I don't know anything about it. Some kind of lie must've got around and this lie went round. 

I thought people started being funny in that caf?. 

Factory. Couldn't understand it. 

Then one day... 

.. they took me to a hospital... right outside London. 

They got me there. I didn't want to go. 

Tried to get out quite a few times. 

It wasn't very easy. 

They asked me questions in there. 

They got me in and they asked me all sorts of questions. 

Well, I told them when they wanted to know what my thoughts were. Mm. 

Then one day,... this man,... .. the head doctor, I suppose it was, he... he called me in. 

He said... He told me I had something. 

He said... they'd concluded their examination, that's what he said. 

And he showed me a pile of papers and he said that I'd got something. Some complaint. 

He said... Just said that, you see. 

"You've got this thing that's your complaint and we've decided," he said, "that in your interests there's only one course we can take. " 

He said "We're gonna do something to your brain. " 

He said "If we don't, you'll be in here for the rest of your life. " 

"But if we do,... you stand a chance," he said, "you can go out and live like the others. " 

"What d'you want to do to my brain?" I said to him. 

But he just repeated what he'd said. 

Well, I wasn't a fool. 

I knew I was a minor. 

I knew they couldn't do anything to me without getting permission. 

I knew they had to get permission from my mother. 

So I wrote to her and I told her what they were trying to do. 

But she signed the form, you see, giving them permission. 

I know that because he showed me her signature when I brought it up. 

Well, about a week later,... .. they started to come round and do this thing to the brain. 

We were all supposed to have it done, in this ward. 

They came round and did it one at a time, one a night. 

They used to come round with these... I don't know what they were. 

They looked like big pincers with wires on. 

The wires were attached to a little machine. 

It was electric. 

They used to hold the man down. 

And then this chief... this chief doctor,... .. he would fit the pincers... something like earphones. 

He used to fit them either side of the man's skull and keep them there. 

There was a man holding the machine, you see. 

He'd turn it on and then this chief,... .. he'd press these pincers against the man's skull and keep them there. 

Then they'd take 'em off, cover the man up... and they wouldn't touch him again until later on. 

Well, they were coming round to me. 

The night they came, I got up off my bed and I stood against the wall. 

They told me to get back on the bed. 

I knew they had to get me back on the bed. 

If they did it while I was standing up, they might break my spine. 

So I stood up.

Then one or two of them came for me. 

Well, I was younger then. 

Much stronger then than I am now. 

I was quite strong then. 

I laid one of them out. 

I got another one round the throat and then suddenly this chief, he had these pincers on my skull. 

And I knew they weren't supposed to do it while I was standing up and... 

.. that's why I... 

Anyway,... he did it. 

Though I did get out, I got out of the place. 

But I couldn't walk very well. 

I don't think my spine was damaged. 

No, that was perfectly all right. 

Trouble was,... I couldn't hear what people were saying. 

I couldn't look to the right or the left, I had to look straight ahead.

If I turned my head round, I couldn't keep upright. 

And I had these headaches. 

I used to sit in my room. 

It was when I lived with my mother. 

And my brother. 

He was younger than me. 

I laid everything out in order in my room, all the things that were mine. 

But I didn't die. 

Anyway,... I feel much better now. 

But I don't talk to people now. 

I steer clear of places like that café. 

I don't go into them now. 

I don't talk to anyone like that. 

I've often thought of going back and trying to find the man who did that to me. 

But I want to do something first. 

I want to build that shed out in The Garden.