The Internet has given everyone in America A Voice and evidently, everyone in America has chosen to use That Voice to bitch about movies [ They haven't seen... ].
We gotta put a stop to these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2/12) Movie CLIP - What the F*** is the ...
And on that note, we cue the music.
Well. Look at these morose mother fuckers right here.
Smells like somebody shit in their cereal.
Bung! Ha ha ha!
That was good. Come on in.
So, what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods?
I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods.
Where's our mother-fucking movie check?
You heard about that, huh?
I got nothing to do with it.
That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now.
I sold my half of the "Blunt man and Chronic" rights to him years ago.
Why the fuck would you do a thing like that?
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation is weed, and dick and fart jokes?
I mean, you got to grow, man.
Don't you ever want anything more for yourself?
I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does.
I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just I see a man crying out.
He's crying out,
"When, Lord?
When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl?
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
When's gonna be my time?"
He knows.
I'm the chucklehead?
You're the fucking dumb-ass who gave your comic away, and now you don't get no fucking movie check, neither.
When you're right, you're right.
I wish I held onto a little piece of that thing because if the buzz is any indicator, that movie's going to make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The Internet buzz.
What the fuck is the Internet?
The Internet is a communications tool used the world over, where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Here's what we're looking for Moviepoopshoot.com.
Poop shoot. Yeah.
This is a site populated by militant movie buffs sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement downloading scripts and what they think is inside information about movies and actors they claim to despise yet can't stop discussing.
OK, this is about "Blunt man and Chronic" right here.
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday on their adaptation of underground comic fave,
Blunt man and Chronic
Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us in the movie?
No, but it's Miramax so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
You know, they put them in a bunch of movies. Who? You know, those kids from "Good Will Hunting". You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? Yeah, I wasn't a big fan, either but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". Word, bitch. "Phantoms" like a mother-fucker. What's up now? Ahem. All right. So, here we go. Now, this is the shoot-back section. This is where the people who read the news get to chime in with their two cents. For example, we got a guy here with the chick magnet net handle "Wompa One" opining on what he thinks about "Blunt man and Chronic". He says, "Blunt man and Chronic and their stupid alter egos". "Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all." "They don't deserve their own movie." He's got a point. Fuck him. What's the next one say? This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses". "Blunt man and Chronic is the worst comic I ever read." "Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters," "a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catch phrases," "like a third-rate Cheech and Chong" "or Bill and Ted." "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob." "Fuck them up their stupid asses." Who the fuck said that shit?
A guy who calls himself "Magnolia Fan".
All right, here, check this one out.
"Jay and Silent Bob are one-note jokes" "that only stoners laugh at." "They're fucking clown shoes." "If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them" "for being so stupid." "I, for one, will be boycotting this movie." "Who's with me?"
Then there's, like, fifty more posts of people who are joining Spartacus's here boycott.
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
Let it go, man.
They're not talking about you guys.
They're talking about "Blunt man and Chronic".
They said Jay and Silent Bob. They used our real names.
It doesn't matter if there's a comic book version of us and a real version, because no one knows we're real in real life.
Really?
All these people reading that shit think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a couple jerkoffs because of what all these dick-heads are writing about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob.
Maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're makin' some chick and shit, and she's, like.
"Ooh, I wanna suck youse guys' dicks off"
and she's, like,
"What's your names?"
And I'm, like,
"Jay and Silent Bob". Recognize.
And she's like,
"Oh, I've read on the Internet" "that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs".
And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead.
Well, fuck that.
We gotta put a stop to these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches before they ruin our good names.
First of all,
I don't know how good your names are.
Second of all,
There's not much you can do about stopping this bile.
The Internet has given everyone in America a voice and evidently, everyone in America has chosen to use that voice to bitch about movies [ They haven't seen... ].
As long as there's a "Blunt man and Chronic" movie, the net nerds are gonna have something negative to say about it.
Well, wait a second.
If there wasn't a "Blunt man and Chronic" movie, then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit about Jay and Silent Bob, right?
They're not saying anything about you now, OK?
They're talking about fictional characters.
Fic-tio-nal cha-rac-ters.
Am I am I getting through to you at all?
So all we gotta do is go stop the fuckin' movie from gettin' made.
Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars that you two would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know, it a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? But, since it appears inevitable, I recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down and get yo' mother-fuckin' movie check as you so succinctly put it 'cause that's what's important, right? Um, no, Holden McNeil. The important thing here is a fuckin' bunch of mother fuckers we don't even know callin' us ass holes on the Internet, to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. Puttin' a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. So when's this movie gettin' made? Uh, they start this Friday. So if today's Tuesday, that gives us. Eight days. Uh, three by my count, but close. Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie from gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're goin' to Hollywood.
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