THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUST AND CONFIDENCE
YOUTH: There is something about this 'affirmative resignation' that sounds pessimistic.
It's just too bleak if the upshot of all this lengthy discussion is resignation.
PHILOSOPHER: Is that so?
Resignation has the connotation of seeing clearly with fortitude and acceptance.
Having a firm grasp on the truth of things – that is resignation.
There is nothing pessimistic about it.
YOUTH: A firm grasp on The Truth....
PHILOSOPHER: Of course, just because one has arrived at affirmative resignation as one's self-acceptance, it does not automatically follow that one finds community feeling.
That is the reality.
When one is switching from attachment to self to concern for others, the second key concept – confidence in others – becomes absolutely essential.
YOUTH: Confidence in others. In other words, believing in others?
PHILOSOPHER; Here, I will consider the words 'believing in others' in the context of distinguishing trust from confidence.
First, when we speak of Trust, we are referring to something that comes with set conditions.
In English, it is referred to as credit.
For example, when one wants to borrow money from a bank, one has to have some kind of security.
The Bank calculates the amount of the loan based on the value of that security, and says, 'We will lend you this much.'
The attitude of 'we will lend it to you on the condition that you will pay it back,' or 'we will lend you as much as you are able to pay back' is not one of having confidence in someone. It is Trust.
YOUTH : Well, that's how bank financing works, I guess.
PHILOSOPHER: By contrast, from the standpoint of Adlerian psychology, the basis of interpersonal relations is not founded on Trust but on Confidence.
YOUTH : And 'confidence' in this case is ...?
PHILOSOPHER : It is doing without any set conditions whatsoever when believing in others.
Even if one does not have sufficient objective grounds for trusting someone, one believes.
One believes unconditionally without concerning oneself with such things as security. That is Confidence.
YOUTH : Believing unconditionally?
So, it's back to your pet notion of neighbourly love?
PHILOSOPHER : Of course, if one believes in others without setting any conditions whatsoever, there will be times when one gets taken advantage of.
Just like the guarantor of a debt, there are times when one may suffer damages.
The attitude of continuing to believe in someone even in such instances is what we call Confidence.
YOUTH: Only a naive dimwit would do such a thing!
I guess you hold with the doctrine of innate human goodness, while I hold with the doctrine of innate human evilness.
Believe unconditionally in complete strangers, and you'll just get used and abused.
PHILOSOPHER: And there are also times when someone deceives you, and you get used that way.
But look at it from the standpoint of someone who has been taken advantage of.
There are people who will continue to believe in you unconditionally even if you are the one who has taken advantage of them.
People who will have confidence in you no matter how they are treated.
Would you be able to betray such a person again and again?
PHILOSOPHER: I am sure it would be quite difficult for you to do such a thing.
YOUTH: After all that, are you saying one has to appeal to the emotions?
To keep on holding the faith, like a saint, and act on the conscience of the other person?
You're telling me that morals don't matter to Adler, but isn't that exactly what we're talking about here?
PHILOSOPHER: No, it is not.
What would you say is the opposite of confidence?
YOUTH: An antonym of confidence? Uh.....
PHILOSOPHER: It is Doubt.
Suppose you have placed 'doubt' at the foundation of your interpersonal relations.
That you live your life doubting other people – doubting your friends, and even your family and those you love.
What sort of relationship could possibly arise from that?
The Other Person will detect the doubt in your eyes in an instant.
He or she will have an instinctive understanding that 'this person does not have confidence in me'.
Do you think one would be able to build some kind of positive relationship from that point?
It is precisely because we lay a foundation of unconditional confidence
that it is possible for us to build a deep relationship.
YOUTH: Okay, I guess.
PHILOSOPHER: The way to understand Adlerian psychology is simple.
Right now, you are thinking, 'If were to have confidence in someone unconditionally, I would just get taken advantage of.'
However, you are not the one who decides whether or not to take advantage. That is the other person's task.
All you need to do is think, 'What should I do?'
If you are telling yourself, 'I'll give it to him if he isn't going take advantage of me', it is just a relationship of trust that is based on security or conditions.
PHILOSOPHER: Yes. As I have stated repeatedly, carrying out the separation of tasks returns life to an astonishingly simple form.
But while the principle of the separation of tasks is easy to grasp, putting it into practice is difficult. I recognise that.
YOUTH: Then, you are telling me to keep on having confidence in everyone, to keep on believing in all other people even when they deceive me, and just go on being a naive fool?
That's not philosophy or psychology or anything of the sort – it's just the preaching of a zealot!
PHILOSOPHER; I reject that definitively.
Adlerian psychology is not saying 'have confidence in others unconditionally' on the basis of a moralistic system of values.
Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better, and for building a horizontal relationship.
If you do not have the desire to make your relationship with that person better, then go ahead and sever it – because carrying out the severing is your task.
YOUTH: Then, what if I've placed unconditional confidence in a friend in order to make our relationship better?
I've jumped through all sorts of hoops for this friend, gladly satisfied any requests for money, and been unstinting with my time and efforts in his regard.
But even in such cases, there are times when one is taken advantage of.
For example, if one were horribly taken advantage of by a person one has believed in completely, wouldn't that experience lead one to a lifestyle with an 'other people are my enemies' outlook?
PHILOSOPHER: It seems that you have not yet gained an understanding of the goal of confidence.
Suppose, for example, that you are in a love relationship, but you are having doubts about your partner and you think to yourself, 'I'll bet she's cheating on me.'
And you start making desperate efforts in search of evidence to prove that.
What do you think would happen as a result?
YOUTH: Well, I guess that would depend on the situation.
PHILOSOPHER: No, in every instance, you would find an abundance of evidence that she has been cheating on you.
YOUTH: Wait? Why is that?
PHILOSOPHER: Your partner's casual remarks, her tone when talking to someone on the phone, the times when you can't reach her...
As long as you are looking with doubt in your eyes, everything around you will appear to be evidence that she is cheating on you.
Even if she is not.
YOUTH: Hmm.
PHILOSOPHER: Right now, you are only concerned about the times you were taken advantage of, and nothing else.
You focus only on the pain from the wounds you sustained on such occasions.
But if you are afraid to have confidence in others, in the long run,
you will not be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
YOUTH: Well, I see what you're getting at – the main objective, which is to build deep relationships.
But still, being taken advantage of is scary, and that's the reality, isn't it?
PHILOSOPHER; If it is a shallow relationship, when it falls apart the pain will
be slight.
And the joy that relationship brings each day will also be slight.
It is precisely because one can gain the courage to enter into deeper relationships by having confidence in others that the joy of one's interpersonal relations can grow, and one's joy in life can grow, too.
YOUTH: No! That's not what I was talking about, you're changing the subject again.
The courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of – where does it come from?
PHILOSOPHER: It comes from Self-Acceptance.
If one can simply accept oneself as one is, and ascertain what one can do and what one cannot, one becomes able to understand that 'taking advantage' is the other person's task, and getting to the core of 'confidence in others' becomes less difficult.
YOUTH: You're saying that taking advantage of someone is the other person's task, and one can't do anything about it?
That I should be resigned, in an affirmative way?
Your arguments always ignore our emotions.
What does one do about all the anger and sadness one feels when one is taken advantage of?
PHILOSOPHER: When one is sad, one should be sad to one's heart's content.
It is precisely when one tries to escape the pain and sadness that one gets stuck and ceases to be able to build deep relationships with anyone.
Think about
it this way. We can Believe. And we can Doubt.
But we are aspiring to see others as our comrades.
To believe or to doubt – The Choice should be clear.
