Be Charming to Your Virus

KRYTEN 

There is one option, sir... 

I believe you might 

Have a Chance if You, 

well, reason with it. 

LISTER 

Reason with what? 

KRYTEN 

The Virus, sir. 

After all, it is 

intelligent. 

LISTER 

Kryten, are your neural circuits 

picking up Interference from 

the tumble-drier again? 

KRYTEN 

If We can patch-in 

The Universal Translator, 

it might just be possible 

to Talk to it —

I Believe it's Your 

only chance, sir. 

[-- x - Int. Starbug medibay --] 

[ALL present] 

KRYTEN 

It's a long shot, I know, but 

if we can reason with it, 

We might persuade 

it to leave. 

Now, remember :  

Be charming. 

LISTER 

Be charming to 

my virus... right. 

KRYTEN 

Patching in the U.T... 

<A floating, holographic screen spins into existance. On it is rendered something akin to a pulsating, animated Julia Set fractal, in colours of red and green> 

EPIDEME 

Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you 

out there in flesh-and-blood land! 

And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine 

sub-operative, and spice food conneseur, 

This is your death! 

<The epideme virus has a loud, intimidatingly brash voice, and is somewhat reminiscent of The Plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. The fractal image expands and contracts to match the virus's tone and inflections> 

EPIDEME

Your line... 

KRYTEN 

I take it we're speaking 

with the Epideme virus..? 

EPIDEME 

Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, 

I'm feeling generous, give him two! 

KRYTEN 

Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I -- 

EPIDEME

Dave... let's run down the rules. If you win : 

You get to live; if I win: you get to die, and 

I take all your knowledge then I kill you... 

LISTER 

What? You absorb knowledge 

from every person you kill? 

EPIDEME 

So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight... No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus. 

LISTER 

How can you justify killing 

another living being? 

EPIDEME 

How about that chicken you 

biriani'd last night? How can 

you justify killing that?? 

LISTER 

Me and The Chicken... 

it was different. 

EPIDEME 

How's that, David..? 

LISTER 

Well, I'm A Person, 

it was A Curry. 

EPIDEME

He died so *you* could go on living; 

is that so different from what I'm doing? 

LISTER 

Of course it is! Totally! 

I'm a human being, 

I have certain qualities 

that elevate me above poultry! 

I can think; I can play the guitar -- 

CAT

Better than A Chicken? 

Are you crazy? 

KRYTEN 

We're losing the argument, sir! 

You better move on to another subject. 

LISTER

-- I'm the last guy alive! 

EPIDEME

And that gives you more 

right to exist than me..?

 LISTER 

Well, yeah... because -- 

EPIDEME 

Time for your species to check out, Davey. 

Arevaderche, humies... 

[-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -- ] 

[LISTER present, patched into the universal translator. EPiDEME virus visible on it's screen] 

EPIDEME

David, come on... You've got A Virus; it's fatal - 

it happens. Doesn't mean we can't be friends! 

<Frustrated, LISTER reaches 

to disengage the translator> 

EPIDEME 

Don't touch that dial!! [Exit EPIDEME]