Life Just Breaks You.

“I look just like my dad, that scares me to death. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up one day and start acting like my dad, you know? I mean, I love him... but he is a goober, man.


All dads are goobers! They are! You become a goober! I don't know why. Life just breaks you, man. One day, you just go, "Screw it! I don't care what people think of me anymore! I'mma wait for the paperboy in my underweaaar!


I'mma go to the mall in a Bermuda jumpsuuuit!


I'mma walk around The House in a robe that won't quite close!


Who wants sausage with breakfast? I'm fixing sausage!"


Dad, put some shorts on! You're a GOOBER!

You guys ever find yourselves...
[Hicks slumps down on a stool, legs wide open, arm shoved behind his head]
...sittin' around the house like that?
That goober moment is almost upon you.
When that sock starts danglin' and you don't care, you got some serious fuckin' questions you better start asking. You're about to start worrying about your lawn.
[creaky old voice] "Wonder how the lawn is...
Let me just go outside and stand naked in my lawn...
Survey my goober domain!"

"Dad, what the FUCK IS IN YOUR EAR?!!"
Something very vital is in my dad's ear. He's always... "Something's in there!" Could be my college money! [laughs]
I never got along with my dad, man. When I was a kid, other kids would come up to me, "My dad could beat up your dad!"
I'd go, "When?
He cuts the lawn on Saturdays!
Nail him out there!
When he's got those Bermuda shorts, red tennis shoes and sock garters on."
[mimes lawnmower noises]
"Go pop him in the head with a rake."
[loud, high-pitched pop, then the sound of a body collapsing]

I got an older brother who's a genius. Certifiable genius. As though an older brother enough is not enough to cause you havoc, right? A genius on top of it. Boy, that sucked.
When I was younger we used to fight, you know. I'd go, "I don't have to do anything if I want to!"
He'd go, "Yeah, you do. You gotta take up space."
"Oh yeah?"
Even then, I was king of the comebacks for him.
[whistles "The Good, the Bad & the Ugly Theme"]

Oh, boy. Remember summer vacations with your folks?
Did anybody get the concept behind that?
We did not get along together in a five-bedroom house! Dad's idea was to put all of us in a car!
And drive through the desert in the hottest time of the year!
Good call, Dad! Let's confront our tensions!
Remember that? It was stressful! They weren't fun! You weren't vacating! It wasn't leisure!
"We're gonna get up at 2 AM! I wanna be on the road by 2:05! We don't have time to stop in restrooms, we're passing Dixie cups around the car!
We're gonna drive for 14-hour stretches in no direction whatsoever! The sun will always be shining through your window, Bill! Figure that out!


I have seen the sun take TURNS with our car before! To beam through my window!


I'm in the back seat like an ant under a magnifying glass.


"Dad, turn the air conditioning on, please!"


"Nope, it eats up gas."


"Then Dad, you take my college money and you turn that goddamn A/C on, buddy! I'm not gonna be a sunstroked mongoloid so you can save 2 cents a fuckin' mile!"


"HUSH.
 Heavens, have a plum."


"I don't want a plum! I wanna be freeze-dried and mailed home!


I'm not having fun on our vacation!"



Being in the car with my Mom for 14 hours, man... she's just talking, talking, talking. All... just talking, talking, talking!


I just wanna go, "Mom... I've been listening to you for about 10 hours now. And I got a really serious question I want to ask ya. 

Do you know ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING TUMOR?

"
Everyone!
"

Got a tumor, gotta see it. You know, that tumor's starting to swell like a melon and, um... oohhh..."
WHO HAS SWELLING TUMORS? DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM!


I'm trying to eat a fucking plum back here, Mom! PLUM, TUMOR, DO YOU GET THE SIMILARITY AT ALL?