I’m Gonna BURN This Place to The Ground

Loki :

I’m gonna burn this 

place to The Ground.

MOBIUS: 

I’ll show you where my 

desk is, you can start there.

Have a look —

Home sweet Home.

Loki :

……I Thought there 

was no magic here.

MOBIUS: 

There isn’t.

Loki :

That’s not real.

MOBIUS: 

It is, and, unfortunately, so is all the paperwork.

Good tinder for your fire, though. Come on.

Loki :

This place is a nightmare.

MOBIUS: 

That’s another department.

Now that department 

I’ll help you burn down.

(LOKI SIGHS)

MOBIUS: 

I’m Agent Mobius, by the way.

Loki :

Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?

MOBIUS: 

No. That’s where you just were. 

I’m taking you some place to talk.

Loki :

I don’t like to talk.

MOBIUS: 

But you do like to lie, which you just did.

Because we both know you love to talk.

Talkie-talkie.

Loki :

How long have you been here?

MOBIUS: 

(SIGHS) I don’t know. It’s hard to say, 

time passes differently here in the TVA.

Loki :

What does that mean?

MOBIUS: 

You’ll catch up.

Loki : 

So, you’re part of 

The TVA’s courageous and 

dedicated workforce?

MOBIUS: 

Yes.

Loki :

You were created by 

The Time-Keepers.

MOBIUS: 

Yep.

Loki :

To protect The Sacred Timeline.

MOBIUS: 

Correct.

Loki :

(LAUGHS)

MOBIUS: 

Is that funny?

Loki :

The idea that your little club 

decides the fate of trillions of 

people across all of existence at 

the behest of three space lizards, 

yes, it’s funny.

It’s absurd.

MOBIUS: 

I thought you didn’t 

like to Talk.

Loki :

(SCOFFS)

MOBIUS: 

(SIGHS)

After you.

Loki :

For The Record, this really does

feel like a Killing-Me 

kind of a room.

MOBIUS: 

Not big on Trust, are you?

Loki :

Trust is for children and dogs.

There’s only one person 

You can Trust.

MOBIUS: 

Yourself? I like it.

Slap it on a T-shirt.

Loki :

If the TVA truly oversees all 

of Time, how have I never 

heard of You until now?

MOBIUS: 

‘Cause you’ve never needed to.

You’ve always Lived 

within your set path.

Loki :

I Live within whatever 

path I choose.

MOBIUS: 

Sure you do. Okay, 

come have A Seat.

I told you, Time moves

differently in The TVA.

Come on, sit down.

Let’s get into this.

Go on, Have A Seat.

….If Looks could Kill.

Loki :

What Do You want from Me?

MOBIUS: 

(INHALES) Well, let’s start 

with a little cooperation.

Not my forte.

MOBIUS: 

Really?

Even when you’re wooing 

someone powerful you 

intend to betray?

Come on.

Loki :

You don’t know anything about Me.

MOBIUS: 

Maybe I’d Like to Learn.

I specialise in The Pursuit 

of Dangerous Variants.

Loki :

Like Myself?

MOBIUS: 

Mmm… No, particularly 

Dangerous Variants.

You’re just a 

little pussycat.

I got a Set of Questions for You.

You answer them Honestly, and 

then maybe I can give You 

something You want.

You wanna get 

out of Here, right?

Yeah, so We’ll start there.

Should you return, what 

are You gonna Do?

Loki :

Finish what I started.

MOBIUS: 

Which is?

Loki :

Claim My Throne.

MOBIUS: 

You wanna Be King?

Loki :

I don’t want to be, 

I was born to be.

MOBIUS: 

I know, but King 

of what exactly?

Loki :

(SCOFFS)

You wouldn’t 

understand.

MOBIUS: 

Try Me.

Loki :

Midgard.

MOBIUS: 

AKA Earth.

All right. Now You’re 

The King of Midgard, 

then what?

Happily ever after?

Loki :

Asgard, The Nine Realms.

MOBIUS: 

Space?

Loki :

Space?

MOBIUS: 

Space is big. 

That’d be a nice 

feather in Your Cap.

“Loki, The King

of Space.”

Loki :

Mock Me if You Dare.

MOBIUS: 

No, I’m not. (CHUCKLES)

Honestly, I’m actually 

A Fan. Yeah.

And I guess I’m wondering 

Why does someone with 

so much range 

just wanna rule?

Loki :

— I would’ve made 

it easy for Them?

MOBIUS: 

People like easy.

Loki :

The First and most oppressive 

Lie ever uttered was 

The Song of Freedom.

MOBIUS: 

How’s that one go?

Loki :

For nearly every Living Thing, 

Choice breeds shame and 

uncertainty and regret.

There’s A Fork in every road, 

yet the wrong path always taken.

MOBIUS: 

Good. Yeah.

You said “nearly every 

Living Thing,” so 

I’m guessing 

You don’t Fall into 

that category?

Loki :

(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS)

The Time-Keepers have 

built quite The Circus, 

and I see The Clowns 

are playing their parts 

to perfection.

MOBIUS: 

(CHUCKLES)

Big metaphor guy. I love it.

Makes you sound super-smart.

Loki :

I am smart.

MOBIUS: 

I know.

Okay.

MOBIUS: 

Okay.

(WHIRRING)

Loki :

(SCOFFS) What is this?

MOBIUS: 

A sampling of your

 greatest hits, if I may.

(SIGHS)

LOKI: (OVER VIDEO)

 If it’s all the same to You…

I’ll have that drink now.

No.

Loki :

And I remember. 

I was there. 

Anything else?

MOBIUS: 

It’s funny, for someone 

Born to Rule, 

You sure Do 

lose a lot.

You might even say it’s 

in Your Nature.

Loki :

— You know, things didn’t 

turn out so well for the last 

person who said that to me.

MOBIUS: 

Oh, yeah, Phil Coulson.

(GROANS)

THOR: 

No!

MOBIUS: 

Didn’t The Avengers 

Come Together 

to literally 

Avenge Him by 

Defeating You?

Loki :

Little solace to 

a Dead Man.

MOBIUS:

Do You enjoy 

Hurting people?

Making them feel small?

Making them feel afraid?

Loki :

Your Games don’t 

Frighten Me.

MOBIUS: 

Making Them feel little?

Loki :

I know What I Am.

MOBIUS: 

A Murderer?

Loki :

A Liberator.

MOBIUS: 

Of eyeballs, maybe.

(MAN SCREAMS)

MOBIUS: 

Look at That Smile. 

You are enjoying that

Did You enjoy Hurting them?

Loki :

I don’t have to Play 

this Game. I’m A God.

MOBIUS: 

Of what, again? 

Mischief, right?

Yeah. I don’t see anything 

very mischievous about this.

Loki :

— No, I don’t 

suppose you do.

MOBIUS: 

(MOBIUS SIGHS)

Let’s talk about your escapes.

You’re really good at 

Doing AWFUL Things, 

and then just 

•getting• away.

Loki :

What can I say, I’m 

a mischievous scamp.

The Human Heart

JOR-EL’S GHOST :

The Virtuous 

Spirit has no need for 

Thanks or Approval, only 

The Certain Conviction 

that What Has Been 

Done is Right.

Develop such Conviction 

in yourself — 

The Human Heart on 

Your Planet is 

•still• subject to 

Small Jealousies, LIES, 

and Monstrous Deceptions.

It is much more fragile 

than Your Own….

LUTHOR yanks 

the crystal out.

LUTHOR : 

…….So much for 

Moral Rearmament. 

The Doomsday Device

 DeSadeski:

Continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed, then... Das voydaniya... Rests phone on the table before him.
Muffley:
What... what is it, what?
DeSadeski:
The fools... the mad fools.
Muffley:
What's happened?
DeSadeski:
The Doomsday Machine.
Muffley:
The Doomsday Machine? What is that?
DeSadeski:
A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.
Muffley:
All human and animal life?
Cut to: int. Ripper's office. Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a comforting arm around his shoulder.
Ripper:
through his cigar Mandrake,
Mandrake:
Yes, Jack?
Ripper:
Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
Mandrake:
Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.
Ripper:
Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
Mandrake:
Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
Ripper:
On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Mandrake:
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.
Ripper:
Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water.
Mandrake:
Uhhh God...
Ripper:
And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Mandrake:
Yes. chuckles nervously
Ripper:
You beginning to understand?
Mandrake:
Yes. chuckles. begins laughing/crying quietly
Ripper:
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
Mandrake:
Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
Ripper:
Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
Mandrake:
Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
Ripper:
Well do you now what it is?
Mandrake:
No. No, I don't know what it is. No.
Ripper:
Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.
Ripper:
Walks to window and shouts Two can play at this game soldier!
more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp.
Ripper:
That's nice shooting, soldier! Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk. Mandrake! Come here!
Mandrake:
You calling me, Jack?
Ripper:
Just come over here and help me with this belt.
Mandrake:
prone on couch I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those... sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
Ripper:
Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy!
Mandrake:
Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my leg's gone.
Ripper:
The what?
Mandrake:
The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
Ripper:
Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!
Cut to: int. War Room
DeSadeski:
When it is detonated, it will produce enough lethal radioactive fallout so that within ten months, the surface of the earth will be as dead as the moon!
Turgidson:
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's ridiculous. Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks.
DeSadeski:
You've obviously never heard of cobalt thorium G.
Turgidson:
No, what about it?
DeSadeski:
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when they are exploded they will produce a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for ninety three years!
Turgidson:
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I mean, afterall...
Muffley:
I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexiy. Is the Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?
DeSadeski:
No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is designed to to trigger itself automatically.
Muffley:
But surely you can disarm it somehow.
DeSadeski:
No. It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it.
Muffley:
Automatically?
Turgidson:
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, Mr. President. walks backwards towards the big board We're wasting valuable time. falls over backwards and does a somersault, and brings himself back onto his feet Look at the big board! They're getting ready to clobber us!
Muffley:
But this is absolute 
Madness, Ambassador. 
Why should you build such a thing?
DeSadeski:
There are those of us 
who fought against it, 
but in The End 
We could not keep up 
with The Expense involved 
in The Arms-Race,
The Space-Race,
The Space-Race, 
and The Peace-Race --
And at the same time
Our People grumbled
for more nylons and
washing machines. 
Our Doomsday-scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, 
and we were afraid of 
a Doomsday-gap.
Muffley:
This is preposterous. 
I've never approved 
of anything like that.
DeSadeski:
Our source was The New York Times.
Muffley:
Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly turn their heads in search of Strangelove.
Strangelove:
in wheelchair A moment please, Mr. President. stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between Muffley and DeSadeski. Under the authority granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious.
Muffley:
Then you mean it is possible for them to have built such a thing?
Strangelove:
carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking right hand, which is in a black glove Mr. President, the technology required is easily within the means of even the smallest nuclear power. It requires only the will to do so.
Muffley:
But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at the same time impossible to untrigger?
Strangelove:
Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing.
Turgidson:
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines, Stainsy.
Muffley:
But this is fantastic, Strangelove. How can it be triggered automatically?
Strangelove:
Well, it's remarkably simple to do that. When you merely wish to bury bombs, there is no limit to the size. After that they are connected to a gigantic complex of computers. Now then, a specific and clearly defined set of circumstances, under which the bombs are to be exploded, is programmed into a tape memory bank.
Turgidson:
Strangelove. What kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it, Stainsy?
Stains:
He changed it when he became A Citizen. 
It used to be Merkwurkdigliebe.
Turgidson:
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, huh, Stainsy?
Strangelove:
Yes, but The... whole point 
of The Doomsday Machine... 
is lost... if you keep it A Secret! 
Why didn't You 
Tell The World, eh?
DeSadeski:
It was to be announced at The Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.

Exile

The Cosmic Hobo : 

They'll forget Me, won't they?

TIME LORD 3: Not entirely. 

They will be returned to a time
just before they went away with you.

They will remember their 

first adventure with you, but 

nothing more. But come along. 

Your Fate has been decided.

[The Wheel in Space]

(The Doctor watches on The Trial chamber 

view-screen as a confused Zoe walks down a corridor.)

TANYA: Oh, Zoe. 

Zoe, are you alright?

ZOE: Oh, yes --

TANYA: Are The Doctor and Jamie gone?

ZOE: Yes, I've just seen them off.

[ This is doubley-weird, given that Zoë was a stowaway — so They’ve not only removed all Her Memories, They’ve gone into Her Head and altered her motivations and desires at the same time, since surely her curiosity and desire to run away from her Day Job on The Wheel and see The Universe would necessarily have preceded her decision of whether to stow away aboard The TARDIS by hiding in an old sea-chest in the console room, or, not  — They have deleted that desire and curiosity, along with her memories. ]

TANYA: Well, 

We'd better get Back to Work, you know. 

There's a lot to be done if we're going to 

get The Wheel back to normal --

Are you sure you're all right?

ZOE: Oh, yes. I thought 

I'd forgotten something important, but it's nothing.

TANYA: Right, come along then.

ZOE: All right, I'm coming.

[Trial chamber]

(On The Screen, Zoe looks back then the image fades.)

The Cosmic Hobo : 

She'll be alright, won't she?

TIME LORD: Of course.

The Cosmic Hobo : What about Jamie?

TIME LORD 3: Look.

[Culloden Moor]

(Pipes are skirling as a Redcoat aims his musket
at Jamie's back. He turns and drops just as the soldier fires.)

JAMIE: Try to murder a McCrimmon, 

wid ye? Well, I'll show you! Creag an Tuire!

(Jamie charges the Redcoat, swinging his sword while the man 

tries to reload. The soldier wisely gives up and flees.)

[ Yeah, They’ve dropped him back in his own time and country of origin with no memory of leaving or how he got there, and They’ve dropped him back Home as an amnesiac in the middle of a GENOCIDE — that’s why he left with The Doctor, Ben and Polly in the first place : it WASN’T Safe, particularly for any Highland Clansman wearing Tartan. ]

[Trial chamber]

TIME LORD: 

They will both continue their 

lives as if nothing had happened.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Yes, very efficient. Now then, 

— what about me?

TIME LORD: 

We have accepted Your Plea 

that there is Evil in The Universe 

that must be fought, and that You 

still have a part to play in that battle.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

What? You mean that 

You're going to let me go free..?

TIME LORD: .....NOT entirely. 

We have noted your particular interest in the planet Earth. 

The frequency of your visits must have given you special

knowledge of that world and its problems.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Yes, I suppose that's True -- 

Earth seems more vulnerable than others, yes.

TIME LORD: For that reason 

You will be sent back to that planet.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

....Oh, good.

TIME LORD: -- In exile.

The Cosmic Hobo : In exile?

TIME LORD: 

You will be sent to Earth in the 20th century, and 

will remain there for as long as We deem proper, 

and for that period The Secret of the TARDIS 

will be taken from you.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

But you, you can't condemn me 

to exile on one primitive planet in 

one century in time! Besides, 

I'm known on the Earth — It might 

be very awkward for me…

TIME LORD: 

Your appearance has changed before, 

it will change again, and That is part 

of The Sentence —

The Cosmic Hobo : 

You can't just change 

what I look like without consulting me!

TIME LORD: 

You will have an opportunity 

to choose your appearance.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Oh, well, that's not so bad. 

But I warn you, I'm very particular.

TIME LORD: 

Here is your first choice —

(A man with a big bushy beard, followed by other sketches.)

The Cosmic Hobo : 

…..Oh he's too old! 

….Well, he's too fat, isn't he. 

…….No, he's too thin. 

……That one's too young. 

……Oh now, that won't do at all. 

It's ridiculous.

TIME LORD: 

You're wasting Time, Doctor.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

It's not my fault, is it? 

Is this the best you can do? 

I've never seen such an incredible bunch!

TIME LORD: 

Since you refuse to Take The Decision, 

The Decision will be taken for you.

The Cosmic Hobo : 

No, no, no, I never said that. But I maintain 

I have The Right to decide what I look like! 

It could be very important on the Earth —

People on Earth attach a very 

great deal of importance….

(The Doctor's face is beginning to twist and change.)

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Ah, what's happening?

(We are treated to multiple images 

of Patrick gurning as they circle around.)

The Cosmic Hobo : 

What's hap... what's happened?

TIME LORD: 

The Time has come for You 

to change your appearance, 

Doctor, and begin your exile — 

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Is this some sort of joke? 

No, I refuse to be treated in. 

What are you doing?

(The Doctor's face disappears.)

The Cosmic Hobo : 

No! Stop, you're making me giddy! 

No, you can't do this to me! 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Serious Organised Crime

Tucson Pathologist :

You know, this is pretty unusual, 

Federal Agents in the middle of the night shift.

Sierra :

It's a high-priority case.

This thing hit The System

and bells went off all over The FBI,

from Quantico to the tiny telephone

in Hoover's casket.

Tucson Pathologist :

So, it's a signature you're looking at?

Sierra :

Yeah. Someone's getting slash happy.

Tucson Pathologist :

All homeless guys?

Sierra : (smells him)

Clearly not.

Homeless people smell primarily

like human excretions, sweat, urine.

This guy...

This guys smells like garbage

over a layer of clean skin.

Not even old garbage, either.

He smells like yesterday's 

breakfast, not last week's.

…..I think I'll take over from here.