Book Two

“….I’ve never heard of him writing 

anything, really, after Mein Kampf…

That other book that you mentioned - -

What is that called…?”

“Yes, called ‘Hitler’s Second Book’ —”

After the demise of the magazine, 

Goopta could not sell his work, and 

he became destitute and suicidal. 

Out of pure desperation, he managed, in a single, feverish night, 

to crank out a book that changed the course of human history :

“How to be Happy, even when You Shouldn't.”

It was quickly followed by the best sellers,

“How to Manipulate People 

by your apparent Friendliness.”, and

“How to overcome Your Fears 

by making others Fear You.”

And upon the release of his masterpiece, 

Goopta hit the lecture-hall circuit, always 

preaching to standing-room only, 

for he shrewdly refrained from providing chairs. 

“Every painful moment in your life, 

casts a shadow across your neurobiology. 

Until you exterminate these dark memories, 

you will remain in a negative groove. 

Thus, those who cannot forget their past... 

Are condemned to repeat it.”

Goopta then opened an institute to help teach people 

how to become more self-helpful. 

Patients, who are called "Doctors," 

since the term "Patient" has unhealthy associations, 

learn how to shed The Darkness of their minds by mastering 

therapies taught by the institute's staff, which, to inspire a sense 

of empirical transmigration, is 

modeled after The U.S. Postal Service. 

The institute proved so popular, selfosophy branched out,

and institutes popped up throughout the nation. 

And Goopta announced a new evolution to Selfosophy :

“After wiping away its mind of Darkness, 

The Self must then wipe its eternal soul. 

And since our souls have existed for 

thousands of years before the advent 

of Selfosophy, we all have a great deal of wiping to do.”

The tax-exempt belief system also evolved its own Theology. 

But I can't tell you what it is. It's A Secret. 

When learning the theology, selfosophists must undergo a sworn blood-oath ritual, which is also a secret. So this artist's depiction is purely speculative and surely way over the top. In fact, forget you even saw it. In any case, all this secrecy and profits drew criticism from some quarters. But these critics were quickly silenced, either by libel suits or by what selfosophists call "Knock-knock, zoom-zoom" affirmations. There were even some internal criticisms. If a member continues his complaints, he is deemed a "Rat-fink-o-vich"... And is excommunicated from selfosophy. In 1979, onan goopta molted his earthly encumbrance... To pursue his selfosophical research in another dimension... That means he died of prostate cancer. But the institution he left behind has never been more popular... As we head into the next millennium.