Night Court

SALEM, 

MASSACHUSETTS,

1693

AGATHA :  

(SHUDDERING) 

No, no, no. Please, no. 

No. No, please.

(BREATHING RAGGEDLY)

(Gets tied to a stake — which is harsh 

because they hanged witches in America, 

not burned them —

So this is actually significantly

worse than the fate 

that would have been waiting

for her, had she been convicted 

by The Muggles / Men of Salem 

in the daytime Witch Trials 

then-ongoing — )

(GRUNTS IN PAIN)

The Court of Shrews : 

Agatha Harkness, 

Are You a Witch?

AGATHA : 

YES — I am 

A Witch.

The Court of Shrews :

Yet you have betrayed 

your coven.

AGATHA : 

I have NOT!

The Court of Shrews : 

You STOLE knowledge above 

your AGE and STATION.

You practice 

The DARKEST 

of Mag!ck.

AGATHA : 

I know…

I know nothing 

of these ‘crimes’. 

I… I swear it.

The Court of Shrews : 

Enough deception!

AGATHA : 

I did not break 

your ‘rules’. 

……..They simply bent 

to My Power.

(WITCHES CHANTING IN LATIN)

AGATHA : 

Wait.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

AGATHA:

No. I cannot control it! I…

If only you would teach me!

(Turns to Evanora) 

Help me! Please! 

Mother, PLEASE! 

PLEASE! Mother!

Evanora : 

(JOINS IN CHANT)

AGATHA : 

No!

[AGATHA] (SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

(CHANTS IN LATIN)

(GRUNTS)

(WITCHES GROANING)

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTS)

(WITCHES YELP)

AGATHA : 

Please, I can be GOOD.

Evanora : 

No, you CANNOT — 

(blasts her)

(GRUNTS)

[AGATHA] (GROANING)

[AGATHA] (SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

[AGATHA] (GRUNTS)

AGNES :

Hmm? Hmm? What? 

No, I know. (CHUCKLES) 

She does look shocked to meet 

the real us, doesn’t she?

The Morality Test

The Chief : 

O'Brien to Commander Sisko. 


The Sisko : 

Go ahead. 


The Chief : 

Sir, the Enterprise hailed us again. 

Captain Picard is waiting to see you. 


The Sisko : 

Acknowledged. 

This won't take long.

[Observation lounge]

Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Come. 
(Sisko enters) 


Commander. Yes, please, 

come in. Welcome to Bajor. 


( He misprounces it —

Pompous French prick. )

The Sisko : 

It's been a long 

time, Captain. 


Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Have we met before? 


The Sisko : 

Yes, sir. We met in battle. 

I was on the Saratoga 

at Wolf 359. 


(Oh dear, he's still carrying 

a grudge. Big pause.)

Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

I assume that you have been briefed on the events 

leading to the Cardassian withdrawal? 


The Sisko : 

Yes, sir. I understand they've 

spent the last half century 

robbing the planet of every 

valuable resource before 

abandoning it. 


Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

They've left the Bajorans without a means of being self-sustaining. 

The relief efforts we've been coordinating are barely adequate. 

I've come to know the Bajorans. I'm a strong proponent

for their entry into the Federation. 


The Sisko : 

Is it going to happen? 


Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Not easily. The ruling parties 

are at each others throats. 

Factions that were united 

against the Cardassians 

have resumed old conflicts. 


The Sisko : 

Sounds like they're 

not ready.

Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Your job is to do everything short of violating 

The Prime Directive to make sure that they are. 

I have been made aware by Starfleet 

of your objections to this assignment. 

I would have thought that after three years 

spent at the Utopia Planitia yards, 

that you would be ready for a change. 


The Sisko : 

I have a son that I'm raising alone, Captain. 

This is not the ideal environment.

Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Unfortunately as Starfleet officers, we do not always 

have the luxury to serve in an ideal environment. 


The Sisko : 

I realise that, sir, and I'm investigating the possibility 

of returning to Earth for civilian service. 


Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Then perhaps Starfleet Command should be 

considering a replacement for you. 


The Sisko : 

That's probably a good idea.

Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

I'll look into it. In the meantime however
 —

The Sisko : 

In the meantime, I will do the job I've been 

ordered to do to the best of my ability, sir. 


Capt. Jean-Luc Picard : 

Dismissed.

Batman Returns

The Batman : 

Admiring your handiwork?

Oswald : 

“Touring the riot scene”.

“GRAVELY assessing the devastation”.

Upstanding-Mayor stuff.

The Batman : 

You’re not The Mayor.

Oswald : (sickening leer) 

THINGS CHANGE…

The Batman : 

What do you want?

Oswald : 

Ah, the DIRECT approach — 

I ADMIRE that in 

A Man with A Mask!

(stops grinning) 

…….You don't really think 

You'll WIN, do you?

The Batman : 

(quiet smirk) 

Things Change.

Catwoman : 

(panting, out of breath)

 ….Meow!

EVERYTHING GETS 

BLOWN TO SHIT

MAX :

Adulation is a cross to bear. 

God knows I know.

But someone's got to supplant our 

standing in the way 

of progress, Mayor.

And don't deny it, 

Mr. Cobblepot, you've 

got the magic.

Your charisma's bigger than 

both of us. Come on down.

Oswald :

Mayor?

MAX :

Mayor.

Oswald :

Max — Elections happen 

in November. 

Is this not late December?

MAX :

Don't worry about it.

I want you to meet Jen and Josh, 

my image consultants.

Here — Reclaim 

your birthright.

Jen :

I'm Jen. Okay, let's see. 

What I'd like to do first is 

put these gloves on you.

Our research tells us that 

voters like fingers.

So if we were to just lose this...

( disgusting sexual grunting ) 

We'll do it another time.

Josh :

Not a lot of reflective 

surfaces in The Sewer, huh?

Oswald :

Still, it could be worse.

My nose could be gushing blood.

Josh :

What do you mean by that?

[ he BITES The Fucker’s nose 

off, Iron-Mike Style ]

MAX :

Everybody, back to work!

Let's make...

...A Mayor!

[ Double-Nixon Salute ]

You're right, we missed 

the regular election —

but elected officials can 

be recalled, impeached...

given the boot. 

Look at Nixon, Agnew.

Then think of you...

Oswald Cobblepot, 

filling the void.

Oswald :

…..I'd like to fill her void.

MAX :

We'll need signatures 

to overturn the ballot. 

I can supply those.

Oswald :

……teach her my French 

flipper trick. 

MAX :

We need one more thing.

Oswald :

A platform?

“Stop global warming. 

Start global cooling. 

Make The World an icebox.”

MAX :

I like it. But to get The Mayor 

recalled, we must 

have a catalyst.

Oswald :

( lost in Delusions of Grandeur )

"You're doing great, 

Mayor Cobblepot."

"Your table is ready, 

Mayor Cobblepot."

"I need you, Oswald. 

I need you now! "

"That's the biggest parasol 

I've ever seen."

Oswald :

So we need an incident like 

The Gulf of Tonkin, or 

The Reichstag fire...

….You want my old friends up there 

to drive The Mayor into

a foaming frenzy?

MAX :

Exactly. 

Oswald :

Sounds fun. But...

...I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.

I have my own 

things to tend to.

MAX :

"Sidetracked?" This is your chance 

to fulfil your destiny

that your parents 

carelessly discarded.

Oswald :

Reclaim my birthright, you mean?

MAX :

Imagine, as Mayor, you have 

the ear of the media, 

access to the captains of industry

unlimited poontang.

Oswald :

(gross sexual grunt ) 

…..You drive a hard 

bargain, Maxie.

Alright, I'll be Mayor.

Burn, baby, burn!