Capes and Capers

The Exorcist :

Colonel, do me a favor? Please?

Explain to this moron here that 

in none of the plays of Shakespeare 

can there be a part for Superman.

Sunshine Superman :

There could be, the way I explained it.

The Exorcist :

The way you explained! Jesus!

You know what he wants? You want to hear?

When the conspirators draw their knives, 

he wants to rescue Julius Caesar!

Ready? Swoop down like a rocket, pick him up 

and go hurdling mighty temples 

in one single, incredible bound!

Jesus, Nammack. Are you crazy?

KANE :

Maybe we do need a few restrictions.

The Exorcist :

Colonel.

Colonel.

I'm in Trouble, I need help. 

Immediate help.

Take an enema; call me soon.

Dr. Fell, you're wanted in surgery.

I've been having an argument, a monster... 

and I'll like you to settle it once and for all.

Some Shakespearean -

Hold this please.

Some Shakespearean scho -

Thank you.

Some Shakespearean scholars say, that when Hamlet is pretending he's crazy... 

He really IS crazy,

Correct?

KANE :

That's right.

The Exorcist :

Now, other Shakespearean scholars say, that when Hamlet...

Other Shakespearean scholars say that 

when Hamlet is pretending to be nuts... 

he really isn't nuts, its an act.

Please give me your opinion.

KANE :

I would like to hear your's first.

The Exorcist :

(To the dog, Sir Lawrence, 

who is the one he is having the argument with.)

Terrific psychiatrist.

That's class.

Dr. Fell 

(No, really, he did) :

Pretty...

The Exorcist :

Why don't you go inoculate a fucking armadillo, Fell?

Doctor Fell 

(No, Really, he did.) :

No really, I'm interested. 

I'm terribly interested.

The Exorcist :

Your interests are coextensive 

with on Nero's ass on Sunday morning.

Heady concept, Frankie.

The Exorcist :

Now listen, Colonel — 

Considering how Hamlet is acting... 

is he really and truly crazy?

Kane :

Yes.

Fell :

No.

The Exorcist :

You're BOTH wrong.

Now think what happens:

First The Father dies; 

then His Girl leaves him flat.

Then, there's the appearance by 

His Father's Ghost...

Bad enough, but then 

The Ghost says he was murdered.

And by whom?

By Hamlet's Uncle, 

who recently married Hamlet's Mother!

Now that, by itself is a helluva hangup — 

because Hamlet LIKED His Mother... a LOT!

Kane :

But then we agreed that Hamlet's insane.

The Exorcist :

No, he's not.

He is pretending, but...

If Hamlet HADN’T pretended to BE crazy, 

he would have GONE crazy.

See, Hamlet isn't psycho.

He's hanging on a brink.

A little shove, a little teensy eensy little eensy push, 

and the kid's gone! Bananas! Whacked out!

So his unconscious mind makes

him do what keeps him sane... namely 

acting like he's nuts!

See 'Cause acting crazy...

is a way to let off steam; 

a way to get rid of your 

fucking aggression. 

A way to get rid of your 

fears and your terrors...

If I did what Hamlet does in this play, 

They'd lock me up; 

They'd put me in prison.

They'll punish me, sure!

But Him? 

Prince Royal Garbagemouth 

gets away with murder. 

And why?

Because nuts are not responsible!

Meantime, the crazier Hamlet acts... 

The more he indulges himself, 

the healthier he gets!

Kane :

Yes. I think...

The Exorcist :

I'm waiting.

Kane :

I think I agree with Your Theory.

The Exorcist :

Yes! There!

(to Sir Lawrence, The Dog)

You see? You understand that now,

you dumb stupid idiot?

From Now On, We Do The Scene My Way!

Come On, Sir Lawrence!

God bless your veins and your arteries, Colonel.

Sir Lawrence, you don't know shit...

Astronaut 

Capt. Billy Cutshaw :

Did he buy it?

The Exorcist :

Did he buy it?

Hell, I bought it.

Billy, I think there is something wrong with us.

Kane, The Killer :

Groper, get off the line.

The Hamlet Theory is Correct.