Molly In Bloom

She's The One

Who like all our pretty songs

And she likes to sing along

And she likes to shoot her gun

But she don't know what it means

Don't know what it means

And I say ‘Yeah...’

Molly Bloom :

Dad? 

You all right? 

Sorry about that. Sorry. 

Professor Bloom :

How's it going? 

Molly Bloom :

What are you doing in New York? How'd you know I was at the skating rink? 

Professor Bloom :

I'm a Doctor of The Mind. 

Molly Bloom :

Oh, Dad. 

Professor Bloom :

I'm here in New York because that's where you are. 

I called your mom at the hotel and she said you were here. 

Listen, it's not a big deal, but from what I saw out there, I think you're having a small breakdown. 

That's weird. 

Molly Bloom :

I can't think of why. 

Professor Bloom :

Probably because of the arrest and not knowing what's going to happen next. 

Molly Bloom :

Old Man, do you really not recognize sarcasm? 

Professor Bloom :

Do you? 

Here, drink this. 

Molly Bloom :

I'm an alcoholic, I can't drink but thanks for remembering.

Professor Bloom :

It's hot chocolate. 

Okay. 

Professor Bloom :

And for diagnostic purposes, 

Do you think that we're on a cocktail lounge right now? 

You seeing waiters with trays of champagne? 

I want to check your pulse. 

Molly Bloom :

Have you found a pulse? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah, just admiring my watch. 

Molly Bloom :

I can see you're getting warmed up but I really don't have the emotional bandwidth to defend my "as usual irresponsible behavior." 

Professor Bloom :

I know, I got your e-mail. 

I get that I'm not welcome in your life right now as Your Father though you should know 

I could give a shit if I'm welcome or not.

But I'm not here in my capacity as Your Father. 

I'm indifferent to whether Your Father lives or dies. 

I'm a very expensive therapist and I'm here to give you one free session. 

Molly Bloom :

You think what I need right now is a therapist? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah. 

Molly Bloom :

I have to be back at my lawyer's office soon. 

Professor Bloom :

Do you like your lawyer? 

Molly Bloom :

I wasn't asking for money when I called you, Dad. 

I just needed My Dad. 

God forbid you part with a nickel. 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah, Tiny Tim, you grew up on a lake and you've skied all over the world, were those work houses tough? 

Molly Bloom :

I gotta go. 

Professor Bloom :

Molly.

Molly Bloom :

I gotta go. 

Professor Bloom :

Molly, sit the fuck down! 

All right, we're gonna do three years of therapy in three minutes. 

Molly Bloom :

How? 

Professor Bloom :

I'm gonna do what patients have been begging therapists to do for a hundred years, 

I'm just gonna give you The Answers. 

Molly Bloom :

To what? 

Professor Bloom :

Well, let's start with this -

Why does a young woman who, at 22, has a gold-plated resume, why does she run poker games? 

Molly Bloom :

Why did I choose to make a ton of money? 

That's a head scratcher. 

Professor Bloom :

You were gonna be a success at anything you wanted, you know it. 

If you'd gone to law school you'd have you'd have owned the law firm right now. 

Professor Bloom :

Why did you do... 

The Other Thing instead? 

Molly Bloom :

I don't know. 

Drugs. 

Professor Bloom :

You didn't start with the drugs until the end. 

They weren't The Problem, 

they were The Medicine. 

It was so you could control Powerful Men. 

Your addiction was having power over Powerful Men. 

Molly Bloom :

Is that what you really think? 

Professor Bloom :

No. I know it for sure. 

You've now completed your first year of therapy. 

Molly Bloom :

I saw an opportunity, 

it wasn't about you. 

Professor Bloom :

Nah, it wasn't just about me. 

Molly Bloom :

It wasn't at all about you.

Professor Bloom :

It was. 

Second year, second question. 

Molly Bloom :

Do you think you were a good husband? 

Professor Bloom :

What do you care? 

Molly Bloom :

I care, because you were married to my mother. 

I care because My Father's an asshole. 

Professor Bloom :

Congratulations, you've completed Year Two. 

And for The Record : —

Your Father raised three kids on a college professor's salary.

 

One of them is a two-time Olympian, a sixth round draft pick of the Philadelphia Eagles and a leading philanthropist.

 

The other is a cardiothorasic surgeon at Mass General 

and 

The Third managed to build a multi-million dollar business using not much more than her wits. 

Molly Bloom :

I'm about to plead Guilty in federal court. 

Professor Bloom :

Well, Nobody's Perfect.

 

The Point is I did a few things right.

 

Last Question. 

Molly Bloom :

No, I have to go. 

Professor Bloom :

Last question, Mol. 

I'll answer it but you have to ask it. 

You have... to ask it. 

Molly Bloom :

Why didn't you like me as much as my brothers? 

Professor Bloom :

There it is. 

I did. It only from time to time appeared that I didn't. 

Molly Bloom :

It only appeared that you didn't? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah. 

Molly Bloom :

That is some Schedule 1 bullshit. 

Why would--

it only appeared-- 

Why would-- 

Okay, I had an attitude problem. 

I talked back. 

I broke some normal adolescent rules. 

I snuck phone time after curfew, 

I took your car when I wasn't allowed to-- 

And drove it into a McDonald's. 

And kids get punished for that, but they don't-- 

Professor Bloom :

Did I not say the McDonald's? 

I mean, did you misunderstand what drive-thru meant? 

Molly Bloom :

You turned into a different person, your voice, your face. 

Professor Bloom :

It's because I knew you knew. 

Molly Bloom :

I didn't hear what you said. 

Professor Bloom :

I said I knew you knew. 

Molly Bloom :

You knew I knew what? 

Professor Bloom :

What do you uh, think about the following concepts? 

Just gonna run 'em by you. 

‘Marriage.’ 

Molly Bloom :

It is a trap. 

Professor Bloom :

That I was cheating on Mom. 

I knew you knew. 

‘Society’ 

Molly Bloom :

It is a joke. 

Molly Bloom :

No, I didn't know unt-- until I was 20. 

Professor Bloom :

‘People.’ 

Molly Bloom :

I don't trust people. 

Professor Bloom :

No, you'd known since you were five. 

You saw me in my car and you really didn't know what you saw. 

Molly Bloom :

I don't have any heroes. 

Professor Bloom :

You knew, honey. 

And I knew you knew, and that's...

 

That's how I reacted to the shame. 

And you reacted by showing seething contempt for me, by driving my car into a McDonald's 

Molly Bloom :

And wanting to have power over Powerful Men? 

Professor Bloom :

No. That was a red herring just to make you mad. 

Molly Bloom :

You're such an-- 

Professor Bloom :

You tripped over a stick. Okay? 

Twelve years ago you tripped over a stick. 

It was a one-in-a-million thing. 

You tripped over a stick.

 

That's what you did wrong. 

There's your session. 

It's funny how much faster you can go when you're not charging by the hour.

I'm Your Father. 

Trying to comprehend how much I love you would be like trying to visualize the size of the universe. 

I didn't know you got beaten up until I read it in your book. 

It was a hell of a way to learn about it.

You should know that I'm hiring someone to find the guy who did it then I'm hiring someone to kill him. 

Molly Bloom :

Don't even joke about that. 

Professor Bloom :

I'm not. 

Molly Bloom :

It wasn't a purse snatcher, Dad, it was the mafia. 

Professor Bloom :

I don't care if it's the leader of Hamas.

Someone put their hands on you. 

They're gonna suffer. 

Molly Bloom :

Dad, I'm fine. 

Professor Bloom :

No, they're gonna suffer. 

Molly Bloom :

Dad, I'm all right. 

Professor Bloom :

No. They're gonna suf-- 

Molly Bloom :

Really, I'm fine.

MOLLY

A survey was taken a few years ago that asked 300 professionals one question: 

"What's the worst thing that can happen in sports?" 

Some people answered losing a Game 7. 

‘ He scores! Bruins win in seven games! ’

And other people said getting swept in four.

Some people said it was missing the World Cup. 

‘Guatemala is eliminated!’ 

And some Brazilians said it was losing to Argentina. 

Not just in the World Cup-- anytime, ever, in any contest. 

But one person answered that the worst thing that can happen in sports was fourth place at the Olympics. 

This is a True Story, 

but except for my own, I've changed all the names and I've done my best to obscure identities for reasons that'll become clear. 

I'm Molly Bloom and right now, I'm ranked third in North America in Women's Moguls. 

I grew up in Loveland, Colorado about two hours north of Denver. 

I have a BA in Political Science from the University of Colorado where I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 3.9 GPA. 

The median L-SAT score at Harvard Law School is 169. 

My score: 173. 

Number 87 up. 

56 on deck. 

I've spent 16 years chasing winter and being coached by the best in The World. 

Sundays were for working out with my father. 

‘Something's really wrong.’ 

When I was 12 years old, for no particular reason, my back exploded. 

‘Tough it out.’

Good advice. 

‘And lose the attitude.’

 Less than ten minutes later, I was in the back of an ambulance. 

I had what's called rapid onset scoliosis. 

My spine was curved at 63 degrees and I'd need a 7-hour surgical procedure that involved straightening my spine, extracting bone from my hip, fusing 11 vertebrae together and fastening steel rods to the fused segments. 

She's gonna be fine. 

I wouldn't let her ski anymore. 

“Definitely not moguls. 

And obviously, skiing competitively is out of The Question.” 

Oh, I know. 

I was on skis again in a year, running moguls in 18 months and by my 20th birthday, I'd made the U.S. Ski Team. 

It's the last round of qualifying for the Salt Lake City Olympics. 

This is the Champion Run at Deer Valley. 

The altitude's 8,100 feet and the pitch is 52 degrees which is the same as the sides of the Great Pyramid. 

The wind's 20-25 miles an hour blowing left to right. 

It's three-below zero at the top of the slope and with 17 skiers in front of me, it's gonna be like trying to stick a landing on a frozen infinity pool.

Kiki blew out of her line. Shannon was off-balance on her second landing. 

He's talking about Kiki Bandy and Shannon Keebler, my two toughest competitors who had significant point deductions on their final runs. 

I can make the Olympic team right now. 

Go get it. 

And if I had three perfect runs in Salt Lake... 

The best runs of my life... 

I can beat the Austrians and the Swiss and have a realistic shot at the podium. 

Then law school and then a start-up. 

A foundation that seeds entrepreneurial women. 

My father's at the bottom of the slope telepathically telling me to check my line. 

“Check your line.”

I check my line.”

“Competitor ready.” 

Good snow contact, calm upper-body, legs together, good shape, no line deviation, set up for the D-Spin, and... stick the landing. 

Now two things you need to know before the second trick which'll be a 720. 

The first is that when visibility is bad the way it is now, race officials toss pine boughs on the course so the skiers have some foreground depth reference. 

The second is that the tightness of your bindings is determined by what's called a DIN setting. 

If you're a beginner, your DIN setting is probably a two or three. 

If you're an experienced weekend skier, it's probably seven or eight.

 Mine's 15. My boots are basically welded to my skis. 

Right...so how does this happen? 

It happened because I hit a pine bough that had become frozen in the snow. 

And I hit it so precisely that it simply snapped the release of my bindings. 

Right in that moment, I didn't have time to calculate the odds of that happening because I was about to land pretty hard on my digitally remastered spinal cord which is being held together by spare parts from an Erector Set. 

“Back up! Back up! Move!

Watch out! 

Give her room! 

That way, move! 

None of this has anything to do with poker. 

I'm only mentioning it because I wanted to say to whoever answered that the worst thing that could happen in sports was fourth place at the Olympics... 

Seriously, Fuck You.

VAL : THE LADY-DAD OF THE APOC-A-LIPSTICKS

I was in a band when I was your age —

I also did it to impress chicks




They’re actually pretty good —

There’s no way you’regoing to let them win, are you?

Not a Chance, no.

HOBO

EVIL-LYN

Anita Sarkisian.

"I have no loyalty to Skeletor — It's His Power I want!"

Anita Sarkisian.

@joss  Wait — I'm not a Eunuch... I gotta say, this whole 'curse' thing has been WIDELY misinterpreted.... 

THE PRISONER

THE 9 RULES OF UNCLE CHRIS

'Graham’

means 

'Grey Haired One’. 

That's why Graham is called Graham.

“Since this is The Generations Award, I'm going to cut to The Chase and I am going to speak to you, The Next Generation.

I Accept The Responsibility as Your Elder. 

So, listen up.

1.

"Breathe. 

If you don't, you will suffocate."

2.

"You have a soul. 

Be careful with it."

3.

"Don't be a Turd. 

If you are Strong, be a Protector. 

If you are Smart, be a Humble Influencer. 

Strength and Intelligence can be weapons, so do not wield them against The Weak. 

That makes you a bully. 

Be bigger than that."

4.

"When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger and they won't even know they're eating medicine."

5.

"It doesn't matter what it is. 

Earn it. 

A good deed. 

Reach out to someone in pain. 

Be of service. 

It feels good and it's good for your soul."

6.

"God is Real. 

God Loves You, God Wants The Best for You. 

Believe that, I do."

7.

"If you have to poop at a party, but you're embarrassed because you're going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do. 

Lock the door, sit down, get all of the pee out first. 

And then, once all the pee is done, poop, flush, boom! 

You minimize the amount of time that the poop's touching the air. 

Because if you poop first, it takes you longer to pee and then you're peeing on top of it, stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out, then everyone at the party will know that you pooped. 

Just Trust Me, it's Science."

8.

"Learn to Pray. 

It's easy, and it is so good for your soul."

9.

"Nobody is Perfect. 

People will tell you that you are perfect just the way that you 
are, 
YOU ARE NOT! 

You are Imperfect. 

You always will be, but there is a Powerful Force that designed you that way, and if you are willing to accept that, you will have Grace. 

And Grace is a Gift. 

Like the freedom that we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with Somebody Else's Blood. 

Do Not Forget That. 

Don't take that for granted."

Patriarchy Rocks!

Fr. Jules:

I don't wanna hear about no motherf***in' ifs. 
All I wanna hear from your ass is, 

'You ain't got no problem, Jules. 

I'm on the motherf***er.

Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for The Calvary which should be coming directly.'

God:

You ain't got no problem, Jules. 

I'm on the motherf***er. 

Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for The Wolf, who should be coming directly.


 Fr. Jules:
...you sendin' The Wolf..?

God :
You Happy now, Muthafucka?

Fr. Jules :
Sheeeeeeyit, Negro!
 
That's all You Had to Say...! 

HOW TO PRAY

Fr. Jules:

I don't wanna hear about no motherf***in' ‘if....’s. 

All I wanna hear from yo’ ass is, 

'You ain't got no problem, Jules. 

I'm on the motherf***er.

Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for The Calvary which should be coming directly.'

God:

You ain't got no problem, Jules. 

I'm on the motherf***er. 

Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and await for The Wolf, who should be coming directly.

 Fr. Jules:

...you sendin' The Wolf..?

God :

You Happy now, Muthafucka?

Fr. Jules :

Sheeeeeeyit, Negro!

 

That's all You Had to Say...!